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Date Posted: 14:14:24 02/29/04 Sun
Author: Prateek Srivastava
Subject: Re: Anyone wanna help write a cold opening for next Saturday's show?
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Re: Anyone wanna help write a cold opening for next Saturday's show?" on 08:19:44 02/29/04 Sun

I wrote a Jeff Richards sketch awhil back, sorta of like his last attempt to be part of SNL. You wanna add something to it. I like your ideas of bring cameos onto the scene.


Jeff Richards’s Last Stand

Jeff Richards(special appearance)
Chris Parnell
Lorne Michaels
Jeff Zucker/Himself: Jimmy Fallon
Horatio Sanz
Colin Firth


Open with the set of SNL, and the camera is focused on Home base, it pans around to show the audience. Then it pans around to show Chris Parnell walking around the area He comes near a wall that is adjacent to Home base and there is a dumpster next to him. He gets out a walkie talkie.

Chris Parnell: Let Operation, uh, Rescue mission, er. Dammit, I forgot what the mission name is called. Jeff just get your ass out here.
(The dumpster lid opens and Jeff climbs out.)

Chris Parnell: What were you doing in there.

Jeff Richards: I’ve been living in there.

Chris Parnell: Really?

Jeff Richards: (in a whisper voice) No, not really, it is just to add to my sob story.

Chris Parnell: Look, you don’t want to come off desperate, just get on stage, I’ll get the camera.
(The camera cuts to home base as Jeff comes onto it. The camera pans to show Parnell wheeling in the studio camera and is recording Jeff’s every move. Cut to Richards on stage)

Audience member’s voice: It’s Jeff Richards!
(Gasps and shocks are heard all around)

Jeff Richards: Yes, it is I, Jeff Richards.
(Cut to Lorne Michaels’s Office, he is at his desk and looking at the TV monitor)

Lorne Michaels: Jeff Richards? What the Hell!
(He runs out of his office. Cut to Home base again)

Jeff Richards: Get ready, and get set, and prepare to be, a Richardsfyed, uh, to the max.
(Then Richards starts to play air guitar, and the camera pans to show the audience all confused)

Chris: Jeff don’t do that rock crap, just start the rap.
( A heavy rap beat plays in the background, the camera cuts to see Lorne running onto the stage)

Lorne: Jeff, what the f**k! Get off the stage.
(The music stops abruptly.)
Lorne: What is this crap, we have sketches to do, not time to screw around, and who is that manning the camera.
(Chris comes onto the stage)
Chris Parnell: It’s me Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: Chris, what are you doing.

Chris: I am doing what Will Ferrell did for me, saving a fellow SNLer’s career.

Jeff Richards: Look, I am just giving a variety performance. I want to show everyone that I am still great. I want to prove myself.

Lorne Michaels: We have other sketches to do. Right now Colin Firth is supposed to do a musical number, and why isn’t Colin out here anyways.
(Camera pans around to show Richards walking up close to Parnell to whisper something.)

Jeff Richards: Where is the host, I hope you took care of him.

Chris Parnell: Don’t worry, I asked Horatio to distract “the host”.( Parnell then goes to face Lorne, who is confused at this point)
Chris: “The host” is “busy” right now.
(Cut to Horatio’s dressing room. Horatio and Colin are laughing and they are taking bong hits)

Horatio: You know what, I ate that chocolate that was in your very small tub.

Colin Firth: That wasn’t a tub, it was a toilet, and that wasn’t chocolate.
(They look at each other for a minute and then burst out laughing. Cut to Home base again.)

Lorne Michaels: Jeff, it’s over. Deal with it. You’re fired and your not coming back. It has been some time now, you really should let it go. There are plenty of other sketch comedy shows out there.

Jeff Richards: I hope, you are not suggesting MAD TV.

Lorne Michaels: Oh no, of course not. I think MAD TV, is too big time for you.

Jeff Richards: Now that, was a low blow.

Lorne Michaels: There is nothing to be done, now get out of here. You have 5 minutes or I’m calling security.

Chris Parnell: Come on Lorne.

Lorne: No, and that is that.
(Jimmy Fallon comes out, dressed as Jeff Zucker, president of NBC.)

Jeff Zucker: Yes it is I Jeff Zucker president of NBC, and I say, Lorne, give him a chance.

Lorne: Jimmy, cut the crap. Everyone can tell who you are. There is nothing you can do.

Jimmy Fallon: At least I made a good attempt.

Lorne Michaels: No it wasn’t. It was a cheap ass, attempt.
(Jimmy Fallon walks off the stage and heads for the dressing room)

Chris Parnell: Lorne, what is wrong with at least giving this small amount of time to him.

Lorne Michaels: No, we have a lot of sketches to do, now, I am calling security.

Chris Parnell: Hear him out at least, you gave Gilbert Gottfried a chance, you can give this guy a chance.

Lorne Michaels: Oh,( hesitantly) fine, Jeff, you have 5 minutes to show your stuff.
(The rap beat goes on again, Jeff is in a rap persona now. He starts to freestyle. After each line, he pauses for the beat.)

Jeff Richards: Hey, how many of y’all saw that movie “You Got Served”. Man, because of that, I started using that s**t all the time.
When I walk into the store and I pay for my food, and I say “You Got Paid”.
When I go into the alley and I see a girl crying and abused I say “You Got Raped”.
When I see a dude and he’s getting mugged I say “You got Mugged”.
When I go into the bar, I ask for my chicken tenders with beer. The tenders are always tender when I chomp on them.
When they are all digested I say “You got Digested”.
Then I go to the restroom and I blackout. And I say to myself “You Got Wasted”
Then hours later, I sit on the stool and I say, to the waitress, where’s my order.
She says to me, “You Got Served,”
(The music stops, and rap is done.).

Lorne: Jeff, I know you have 2 minutes left, but I have seen enough. That was absolutely, (he pauses for a second), horrible! That movie is more than a month old, we do not do current event comedy from that long ago. Now, leave.

Jeff Richards: Wait. Lorne, please, listen. I know I am not the best, but I have some great impressions. My Letterman is dead on.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, you do have impressions, but we have an impressions man, that’s what Darryl is for. He has impressions of good people, Clinton, Chris Mathews, Donahue. No offense, but Letterman is not something that can be made fun of regularly. You don’t diss Letterman.

Jeff Richards: Ok, fine. But what about Drunk Girl. That is a high quality recurring character.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, but we got a call from AA. They find Drunk Girl an offensive.

Chris Parnell: Oh come on, Lorne. SNL is meant to be offensive. And besides, Drunk Girl is not that offensive.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah you right. And that is why Jeff should be fired( pauses for a minute). This is SNL, we only have characters that are really offensive, not partial offensive ones.

Chris Parnell: Lorne you are just being inconsiderate now. Anything he does or says, you reject. You are just going to say no to everything and then eventually you will call security and kick him out. For good.

Lorne: Chris, there are many reasons I had to fire him, but there are too many to discuss right now. But I did let him say the phrase as a send off.

Chris: Lorne, everybody says the phrase, even a damn Parakeet said “Live from New York”.

Lorne: Ok fine, but you are wrong about all that other stuff you said just now.

Chris: I was?

Lorne Michaels: Yes, I not going to keep saying no and then later, call security. I will call them right now! Security! Escort Mr. Richards off Studio 8H.
(Two burly guards come and grab Jeff Richards. He is hoisted into the air.)

Jeff Richards: Chris, help me.

Chris Parnell: Jeff, I have reasoned all I can with Lorne. I could fight more, but I don’t want to lose my position at SNL.
(Pan to Richards being carried away, he some how manages to get behind a guard and basically pull himself on them. He lands on the ground and tries to crawl towards Lorne.)

Jeff: All right, fine, I will not make any more attempts to be part of this cast anymore. I accept my leave.

Lorne: That is all I ask Jeff. I still respect you, and hope you find other areas of work.

Jeff: So uh, Lorne, now that I off the cast of SNL, can I host the show?

Lorne Michaels: Ok, that’s it. Security! Get him out of here.
( The Guards grab him once more. This time with more force and walk him out of the area. Camera is still on Richards)

Jeff Richards: Help! Anyone, aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(He continues to scream in the arms of the security guards. Suddenly the screen begins to get blurry and shake. It is those transitions for ending a dream sequence. The screen goes back to normal, and Jeff Richards is in his bedroom. He is sitting upright and screaming still. He stops suddenly)
Jeff Richards: Ah god, what a crazy dream, I really got to let this SNL thing go. I have to move on.
(He gets up out of bed, and the camera pans to the other side of room to show a computer which is on.)
Jeff Richards: Crap! Did I leave the internet on.
(He is still groggy, and he walks over and sits down and starts to click his mouse. The camera pans around to give you a side shot of Richards clicking and typing on the computer)
Jeff Richards: Stupid Pop-up ads. Hey, what is this. Saturday Night You, where fans write their own comedy sketches.
(He becomes more interested and starts to click that mouse and read the screen. As he reads his face begins to smile. Then after a minute he starts laughing.)
Jeff Richards: Haha, hey, this stuff is really funny.

(The screen fades to black.)

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