Re: REVIEWS: Colin Firth 03/06/04 -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 18:46:49 03/08/04 Mon
Author: JPIII
Subject: Re: REVIEWS: Colin Firth 03/06/04
In reply to: Patrick Lonergan 's message, "REVIEWS: Colin Firth 03/06/04" on 01:54:33 03/06/04 Sat

Misunderstanding Dad

(Scene opens to home where Father is reading credit card statement.)

Father: What the hell, BILLY GET IN HERE!

(Billy a teenage boy walks in room.)

Father: Son, I know you just took your senior class trip to New York over Christmas break, and I lent you my credit card.

Billy: Yeah.

Father: Well, I�m not upset about the money you spent; I�m upset on what you spent it on.

I THINK THIS IS TOO QUICK A SETUP. IT'S UNREALISTIC DIALOGUE, IMO. I THINK THAT IT WOULD BE MORE APPROPRIATE AND SMOOTH IF THE FATHER TAKES ISSUE INITIALLY WITH THE AMOUNT SPENT, WHICH IS MORE UNIVERSAL. THEN, HE REMARKS ON WHAT WAS PURCHASED, WHICH IS BASICALLY YOUR GAME.

Billy: Like what?

Father: (Points at statement.) Like this, from the minibar you bought two liters of Coke. Damn son, that�s a lot of cocaine.

Billy: Oh come on Dad, Coke is Coca-Cola!

Father: Lame excuse. (Looks back at statement.) Here you went to a restaurant called �McDonalds�. Huh, never heard of it. Oh, and you ordered more Coke here! Christ, you�re addicted!

THIS IS A GREAT EXCHANGE, FOR THE MOST PART. I LOVE HOW HE JUMPS TO "CHRIST, YOU'RE ADDICTED!" HOWEVER, I FEEL HE SHOULD SAY SOMETHING MORE DETAILED AND "DAD-LIKE" INSTEAD OF "LAME EXCUSE".

Billy: No I�m not dad!

Father: We�ll talk about that later, but I�m even more shocked by this. It says you ordered two movies, which I�m guessing are adult films, called The Italian Job and Holes!

ANOTHER DIALOGUE ISSUE HERE...HE DOESN'T NEED TO SAY "WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER, BUT I'M EVEN MORE SHOCKED BY THIS." JUST TRANSITION INTO HIS NEXT COMPLAINT WITH A LINE LIKE, "AND WHAT ABOUT THESE MOVIES...(HERE HAVE LINE W/ MOVIES) YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON A CLASS TRIP BUT INSTEAD YOU'RE ALL COKED UP WATCHING PORNOS ALL NIGHT!"

Billy: Wait, Holes is the movie with the kids in it!

Father: Oh, so your into that sort of thing, that�s just gross. Frankly Billy, I�m worried about you. I found these in your bedroom (Holds up bag of red and orange water balloons.) You have condoms! Do you even have a girlfriend?

THIS IS A GREAT LINE...GOOD JOB HAVING DAD TURN THE "HOLES IS THE MOVIE WITH KIDS IN IT" INTO SOMETHING. HILARIOUS!

Billy: Dad, your taking this way too far and I think when Mom gets home we need to have a talk.

HERE, YOU DON'T NEED TO USE DIALOGUE TO TRANSITION TO MOTHER COMING IN. IN FACT, IT SOUNDS REALLY UNREALISTIC TO HAVE MOM COME IN AS SOON AS HE MENTIONS HER. ALL HE NEEDS TO SAY IS, "DAD, YOU'RE TAKING THIS TOO FAR! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND..." AND THEN SHE COMES IN.

(Mother walks through the door.)

Mother: Billy, I got your Coke at the store!

Father: So your mother is your supplier! I suppose �store� is some code word for a guy named Juan on 5th street! You sicken me!

THIS IS A HILARIOUS RESPONSE! GREAT JOB!!!

(Father storms out of room.)

Mother: What was that all about?

Billy: Oh, just a misunderstanding!

THIS IS AN ODD RESPONSE...TOO QUICK AND BRIEF. HE SHOULD OUTLINE WHAT HAPPENED IN TWO OR THREE LINES, ESPEC. MENTIONING THE "COKE"...

Mother: Its been a rough day, I need to talk with my friend Jack Daniels.

AND MOTHER SHOULD SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HIS FATHER BEING EASY TO CONFUSE OR SOMETHING...AND THEN MENTION THE JACK...

(Father rushes back in room.)

Father: HAH! Jack Daniels! I caught you now!

Mother: Okay, you caught me, I was going to drink whiskey what are you going to do about it?

Father: (stunned by last statement) Uhh� well I don�t know.

Mother: I know how paranoid you are, you can�t stand your own vices so you cover up yours by trying to pin vices on us.

Father: Okay, it�s true. I have a lot of problems. I�ve had 268 affairs, and some of them weren�t even with women.

I DON'T LIKE THE EASE WITH WHICH DAD ADMITS HIS FAULTS. MAYBE MOTHER POINTS THE 268 AFFAIRS OUT, AND OFFERS PROOF WHEN FATHER DENIES IT. THEN, HE'S WILLING TO DISCUSS THEM MORE.

Billy: Eww, dad that�s gross.

Father: I know son, I�ve also had over 6 different kinds of Chlamydia, some of those also not from women.

Mother: Oh honey, I forgive you.

Father: Really?

Mother: Hell no, come on Billy let�s get the hell out of here.

Billy: Yeah, you sicken me dad!

(Father looks sad for seconds then gets happy look on face. Goes over to telephone and dials number.)

Father: Hello, are these the owners of Scrapps the dog? Oh great, look I really need to see Scrapps tonight and� hello�hello. Damn it! What does a man have to do to get a dog in this town?

(Sketch fades out)

THIS IS A REALLY GOOD SKETCH IDEA, AND YOU EXECUTE THE JOKES VERY WELL. HOWEVER, YOUR SET-UP AND TRANSITIONS ARE VERY QUICK AND COME ACROSS AS UNREALISTIC AND SLOPPY. THIS WILL IMPROVE, THOUGH...WES, YOU'RE A VERY TALENTED WRITER WITH AN ASSLOAD OF POTENTIAL. I DOUBT I COULD HAVE WROTE SOMETHING THIS COHERENT AND FUNNY AT 13.

Nightline

Announcer: This is ABC News Nightline. Reporting from Washington, here is Ted Koppel.

I'M BEGINNING TO TIRE OF SNY WRITERS USING SHOWS CONSTANTLY PARODIED ON SNL. USE A SHOW THAT'S NOT REGULARLY DONE, OR HELL, DARE I SAY WRITE A PREMISE SKETCH TO CONVEY YOUR IDEA?

(Dissolve to Ted Koppel in the studio)

Ted Koppel: Good evening. I�m Ted Koppel and this is �Nightline�! Well, Super Tuesday has come and gone, however much to the effort of Democratic Party,

THIS LINE MAKES NO SENSE..."HOWEVER MUCH TO THE EFFORT OF DEMOCRATIC PARTY"...THESE THINGS SHOULD BE EDITED PRIOR TO POSTING.

everyone seems to want to talk about other things. Like, the Oscars�all the gay marriage especially Rosie O�Donnell�s!

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE..."ALL THE GAY MARRIAGE ESPECIALLY ROSIE O'DONNELL'S!" PLEASE REVISE YOUR SKETCHES PRIOR TO POSTING.

Or what about the Olson twins? Who really give one legitimate care about what happened in the Super Tuesday primaries?

OK, I'M ABOUT DONE WITH THIS. I'M TEMPTED TO QUIT GIVING MY TIME TO REVIEW PIECES THAT HAVEN'T BEEN ADEQUATELY REVISED. "WHO REALLY GIVE ONE LEGITIMATE CARE ABOUT..." IT MAKES NO SENSE, GRAMMATICALLY.

And now to help answer these burning questions is my panel of guests. Senator John Kerry, Senator John Edwards, The Reverend Al Sharpton and, who the hell knows what he hell does�

OK, I'M DONE. "WHO THE HELL KNOWS WHAT HE HELL DOES" READ IT TO YOURSELF...DOES IT MAKE SENSE? YOU HAVE TO CORRECT THESE THINGS BEFORE ANYONE WILL TRULY RESPECT YOUR SKETCHES.

Greg and Elle

INT. DORM ROOM � DAY

A girl, ELLE, and guy, GREG, sit on a bed. They're obviously college students.

Greg: Nice dorm room Elle.

Elle: Thanks Greg. See anything else you like?

Elle gives Greg a look - �please come and ravage me.�

THIS IS A NICE DESCRIPTOR...REMINDS ME OF A FORMER WRITER'S ABILITY TO DO THESE SUCCINCTLY AND APPROPRIATELY.

Greg: Oh, I sure do.

Greg and Elle start making out. Elle starts to unbuckle Greg�s belt, but GREG becomes distracted by a picture on the wall.

Greg: You like horses a lot, huh?

Elle: Yeah. Most girls go through their horse phase, but I never got out of mine. There�s just something about them. Such a powerful animal. Especially the Black Stallion.

Greg: Oh? Is that one there in the photo?

Elle: Yeah, they�re my favorite to ride. Extremely large, but very comfy.

GREG looks at the picture of the Black Stallion. He tilts his head to the side observing the horse�s maleness.

Greg: I�d say large is accurate.

Elle: So enough talk about horses. Where were we...

They start to make out again. Elle makes a little more progress with Greg�s pants. He�s distracted again.

Greg: I didn�t know you were an artist?

Elle: Well I�m not really. I just sort of do it for fun. I�m not that good or anything.

GREG studies the wall.

Greg: I see your favorite subject is the Cucumber.

Elle: Yeah, I kind of became obsessed with the cucumber. I skipped apples, pears, grapes, went straight to the cucumber.

HERE, I THINK YOU COULD HAVE DONE A MUCH BETTER JOB WITH RESPECT TO LETTING ON YOUR GAME...INSTEAD OF "APPLES, PEARS, AND GRAPES"...HOW 'BOUT OTHER PHALLIC VEGGIES AND FRUITS THAT ARE SMALLER THAN CUCUMBERS, LIKE CARROTS OR STRING BEANS.

Greg: I see.

Elle: That one there is my favorite. Even though it was kind of small...only about 8 inches.

Greg: That�s small?

Elle: Oh yeah, some cucumbers can grow up to over 1 foot long and weight around twenty five pounds.

Greg: (scared) Oh...really? I-I didn�t know that.

Elle: But enough about big cucumbers...

Elle goes for Greg�s zipper, but Greg fights her hands away. He sees something else.

Greg: Good Lord! Th-that�s quite a sculpture there?

Elle: Which one?

Greg: Th-the naked man...

Elle: Oh, yeah. That was a lot of fun to make. I like abstract stuff.

Greg: B-but...don�t you think a NASA rocket is a little extreme for the...I mean it�s...

Elle: You�d think so (chuckles) but that was inspired by a live model.

Greg: (mesmerized) Oh my God...

Elle: Yep. It was pretty weird staring at a naked guy with a bunch of people though.

Greg: I can imagine.

Elle: Yeah, it also didn�t help that the model was my ex-boyfriend.

THIS IS A NICE ADDITION TO THE GAME...AN EX-BOYFRIEND. GOOD WORK.

Greg: Alrighty! Look at the time.

The telephone rings.

Elle: Ugh! Let me get that, but I�ll be right with you in a minute.

Elle slides her hand up Greg�s thigh. He jumps up. She picks up the phone.

Elle: (on the phone) Hey. Really? Wow, that is big. Oh, I don�t know yet. I�m crossing my fingers though.

Greg fiddles with the nude man sculpture. He measures the rocket with his fingers.

Greg: I think I�m gonna leave now.

Elle: (on the phone) I gotta go. Call you later to give you a full report.

Elle hangs up the phone.

Greg: I�ll see you later Elle.

Elle: Don�t go. We were just getting started.

KNOCK! KNOCK! Somebody�s at the door. Elle sighs.

Elle: Sorry about all these interruptions. Come in!

Girl (DRATCH) walks into the room.

Girl: I�m here for the �Giant Penises Matter� meeting.

THIS MAY BE A LITTLE TOO BLATANT. I'D PREFER INNUENDO WITH THIS SKETCH, WITH THE WORDS OF THE PHONE CALL BEING AS OBVIOUS AS I GOT. BUT, IT DOES PROVIDE FOR AN ADEQUATE TRANSITION TO YOUR ENDING, WHICH IS ALSO ADEQUATE.

Elle: Oh, you didn�t get my email? It�s been postponed till next week.

Greg is rushing out the door.

Elle: Hey, where are you going?

Greg: Uh...I really gotta finish building my sock drawer...

FUNNY, CREATIVE EXCUSE. NICE WORK.

Elle: Wait!

She grabs Greg before he leaves.

Elle: I�m sorry Greg. All of this... it�s all just an act. It�s not really me. I...I don�t even like large...well you know.

Greg: Oh, you don�t? Then why do you celebrate the large penis by holding meetings in your dorm room?!

Elle: You don�t know what it�s like... being the only girl who prefers a smaller...well you know.

Greg pauses and ponders her words.

Greg: Really?

Elle: Yes. The peer pressure is overwhelming.

Greg: I had no idea.

Elle walks over and sits on the bed.

Elle: Now why don�t you come back over here?

Greg sits next to her.

Greg: Can we turn off the lights?

Elle turns off the lights. It�s pitch-black. We hear rustling and a zipper.

Elle: Okay, well small�s one thing, but microscopic is another.

Greg makes pathetic whimper noise.

The End

NICE ENDING...FUNNY. OVERALL, THIS IS A SKETCH TO APPRECIATE AS A WHOLE...IT DOESN'T CARRY WITH IT A BUNCH OF BELLY-LAUGH MOMENTS, BUT IS NICELY WRITTEN. GOOD JOB, MIKE...HOPE YOU STAY AROUND HERE.

JPIII

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Replies:

I forgot to mark these...here are the reviews for the final three sketches (NT) -- JPIII, 19:05:21 03/08/04 Mon