Date Posted:23:00:26 03/20/04 Sat Author: jafi.com Subject: Re: Nightline In reply to:
jafi.com
's message, "Nightline" on 19:18:00 03/20/04 Sat
Nightline by JAFI.COM
CAST
Ted Koppel...Darrell Hammond
Random Beat Reporter...Finesse Mitchell
Howard Dean...Chris Parnell
OPEN WITH NIGHTLINE VIDEO INTRODUCTION AND MUSIC
V/O-"APRIL 2, 2004"
CUT TO VIDEO MONTAGE OF HOWARD DEAN'S CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT
Koppel V/O- Howard Dean of Vermont. His campaign changed the face of politics in 2004. His maverick run for office showed that the internet could be used as a vehichle for change and not just another discreet way to recieve pornography.
But, in the end, his campaign ran out steam.
CUT TO THE NOW FAMOUS FOOTAGE
The Real Howard Dean-"YEEEEEEEAH! YEEEEEEEEAH! YEEEEEEEAH!"
CUT TO CLOSE UP OF CHRIS PARNELL AS HOWARD DEAN IN THE NIGHTLINE STUDIO
Koppel v/o-Tonight, we'll talk to Howard Dean...
And I, Ted Koppel, will tell him personally...
to his face...
Why he never had a chance in hell of winning the presidency of the United States.
ROLL REGULAR VIDEO INTRODUCTION OF NIGHTLINE
PUSH IN TO TED IN THE NIGHTLINE STUDIO
Ted Koppel-(welcoming his audience)-Good evening, I'm Ted Koppel and welcome to Nightline.
We'll get to our interview with Howard Dean in a moment, but first let's look back at the long, strange trip it's been for Howard during this presidential season. Here's Random Beat Reporter and his report.
CUT TO VIDEO TAPE OF RBR'S REPORT
RBR-Thank you, Ted. And yes, it has been a long, strange trip for Howard Dean this political season...
Say what you want about Howard Dean and his unorthodox campaign, but in my personal opinion...
QUICK CUT BACK TO TED AT THE NIGHTLINE DESK
Ted-And thank you Random for your report.
I have now been joined at the Nightline desk by former presidential candidate Howard Dean.
Welcome back to the show, Howard.
Howard Dean-Well, thank you Ted. It's always nice to come on your show.
Ted-Hmmm... You seem to look a little different from the last time you were on the show. Have you lost weight?
Howard-(smuggly) Atkins, Ted. It's all the rage.
Ted-I see.
You don't mind if I pour myself a glass of courage before we start, do you Howard?
Howard-It's your show Ted.
TED KOPPEL REACHES UNDER THE DESK AND PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF J&B AND A GLASS OF ICE
TED POURS HIMSELF A ROUND
AND TAKES A QUICK SIP
Ted-Ahhh...sweet nectar of life.
So what were we talking about?
Howard-Ah...your producer called me up and invited me on the show.
Ted-Because Brittney Spears cancelled.
Howard-(shaking his head yes) Yes... and your producer told me you were going to let me talk about the on-going war in Iraq, global terrorism, and how the wealthiest percentile are getting richar while the rest of US eat ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Ted-Oh, yes. That's what we told you...
Just to get your ass in the door.
But that's not why your here.
Howard-It's not. So, I guess it doesn't matter that I approved all the questions you were going to ask me before I showed up at the studio tonight.
Ted-(taking another sip) Nope.
Howard-Okay, Ted. Ask me your first question then.
Ted-My first question to you Howard is this...
What in the hell we're you thinking when you decided to run for president?
Howard-Excuse me.
Ted-Oh, come on now Howard. Did you really think you'd win the democratic nomination for president and go on to face Bush?
Did you? I mean, did you?
TED RETURNS THE SCOTCH GLASS TO HIS LIPS
Howard-(screaming) YEEEEEAH! YEEEEAH! YEEEEAH!
(quietly) I did for a while.
Ted-Good lord.
Howard-Well, Ted. You have to be in it to win it. As you may remember, I was doing quite well in the beginning and for a while, I was the democratic front runner.
TED SPIT TAKES HIS SCOTCH IN HOWARD'S FACE
Ted-(choking to death)-...Democratic front runner?!
Howard-(wiping his face)-Jesus, Ted. Why in the hell did you spit in my face?!
Ted-Sorry, Howard. I was just reacting in shock and awe to the fact that YOU actually thought you were the democratic front runner.
Howard-What are you talking about, Ted? You mean to tell me I wasn't the democratic front runner?
Ted-(chuckling) Good lord, no.
Howard-(unbelieving)-But, the entire news media said I was the front runner. The newspapers said I was the front runner. Even Saturday Night Live said I was the front runner...
...and THEY would never lie, would THEY Ted?
I mean...
What the hell is going on around here?
Ted-Can you handle the truth, Howard?
Howard-Sure.
Ted-Howard, who won the New Hampshire primary?
A primary in your own backyard?
Howard-Kerry did.
Ted-Very good, Howard. Now, who won the first caucus in Iowa this season?
Howard-Kerry did.
Ted-Okay, Howard. Where is the democratic convention being held this year?
Howard-Boston.
Ted-Very good, Howard. Now add 1 + 1.
Howard-(guessing)-...I guess what your trying to say is that I was never really the front runner for the democratic nomination in the first place.
Ted-(shouting)-BINGO!!! WE HAVE A BINGO!!!
PLEASE HOLD ALL CARDS!!!
Howard-(shaking his head)-I don't understand. Then why would the mainstream media say that I was the front runner for all that time?
Ted-Simple, Howard. Do you know how bad it's going here at ABC right now?
Howard-Not off hand Ted, no.
Ted-It's pretty damn bad. Eisner's holding on by his forskin, the star of our only decent show had a heart attack and died, and our parent company just lost PIXAR.
Howard-So.
Ted-(screaming)-
SO! SO!
WE LOST OUR CASH COW, DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!
MY 401k IS RUINED!!!!!!!!
TED THROWS HIS GLASS ACROSS THE STUDIO
Howard-Wow, it's that bad? It's almost as bad as all the checkpoints you have to go through to stand on the set of GMA, isn't it?
But, what does this have to do with me?
Ted-(still screaming)-DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MORE MONEY WE WOULD LOSE IF YOU WERE PRESIDENT?!!!!!!!
Howard-What in the hell are you talking about, Ted?
Are you talking about big business actually paying their FAIR share of the tax burden in this country?
Ted-Touche' Howard, Touche'.
Howard-(shocked) I can't believe I'm hearing this!
I tell you Ted.
There's so much collusion between...
GOVERNMENT...
CORPORATIONS...
AND THE ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY...
It's like the nightly news is just another damn entertainment program.
Ted-(angrily) Now hold on a second, mister! We are respected news journalists. And not shill merchants.
TED GETS HANDED A NOTE FROM OFF STAGE
Ted-Read this...Okay.
This just in from ABC News.
The Walt Disney Company presents it's new animated classic, "Home on the Range".
A fun family feature full of heart, now playing at a theater near you.
(crumpling the card-screaming to off-stage)
NOW CUT THAT OUT!!!!!!!!
So Howard, have you finally figured it out?
Howard-(realizing the truth)-I think I'm starting to get it Ted...
It's like the media used my campaign as a speed bump for Kerry's campaign.
It's like the media always knew Kerry was the real front runner.
And then made it as difficult as possible for Kerry to win the nomination.
Because he might actually win.
It's like they tried to create a conflict that was never REALLY there to begin with.
And then sell ad time around it.
Hell, the media even tricked Al Gore into backing me.
I'm starting to get the feeling that I've been...
Ted-(quickly)-And all our time is USED up for tonight.
