An Message from Yasir Arafat -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 10:06:39 03/29/04 Mon
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: An Message from Yasir Arafat
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Sketch idea: An address from Yasir Arafat" on 10:04:24 03/29/04 Mon

A MESSAGE FROM YASIR ARAFAT
Jim Bevan

Yasir Arafat... Chris Parnell

(open on a screen displaying the Palestinian flag)

Announcer: You are watching Palestinian Television. The following is a message from Chariman Arafat to the people.

(screen fades to reveal Yasir Arafat in his compound, sitting behind his desk, speaking on a cell phone. The camera zooms in for a close-up)

Yasir Arafat (speaking on the phone): So you tried the ointment and it didn't help you? (Pause as he listens to dialogue). Okay, Habim, here's what I'd recommend. First, get a couple of sticks of dynamite, and tie them together to form a belt. Strap it around the area of the rash and attack a detonator. Then walk into a cafe in Jerusalem... (notices the camera on him) Call you back later. (Turns off his cell phone)

Good afternoon, my people. I am here to speak with you about the major issues facing us today. But first, I wanna give a shout out to all our noble freedom fighters out there. Whattup, boyz?! (starts pumping his hands in the air). Holla holla for my man Allah. (stops pumping his arms and begins chuckling) Oh, I've wanted to do that for so long. Now, onto more serious matters.

First, the recent assassination of Shiek Yassin, the leader of Hamas. Let me begin by saying that I greatly condemned Yassin's tactics of targeting innocent civilians and hindering the peace... (breaks into laughter again) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I tried to get through that with a straight face but I couldn't. Ha ha! (calms down) Alright, Shiek Yassin, stuck in a wheelchair and totally blind, was taken out in an Israeli strike. Well, it's safe to assume that he couldn't see it coming. Eh? (He points to his eyes to indicate the pun) Okay, that's enough comedy for now. But the killing of Yassin was a tragedy, and it shows just what kind of people the Israelis are. No regard for human life, willing to kill anyone, even those who cannot defend themselves, just to further their selfish goals. I take great offense to that, we started that practice years ago. I don't like it when other countries steal our schtick.

Next, we are being attacked by the international community because two young boys were stopped in recent weeks for attempting to carry out suicide bombing missions. We have been decried as monsters, that we don't value the lives of our children, that we consider them expendable in our campaign. Like I said earlier, we started this practice, this is just more proof. I'm already working on filling out a copyright infringement lawsuit. Problem is, all the lawyers in the region are our enemies, if you get my drift.

So, the world is bitching because two children, one of whom had mental problems, were recruited by the Al-Asqa brigade to blow themselves up. They were paid twenty-two dollars to carry out their mission of martyrdom. I am shocked and appalled at these actions. Why, why do you give them the money when they're going to blow themselves up? Come on, think people! Do you really believe they'll be able to spend it after they explode? Then you can't get it back because by then it's ash, and you're out twenty-two bucks. Also, what were you thinking recruiting a kid with mental problems, do you realy think they'll carry it out properly? At the checkpoint he even told the Israeli officers he had a bomb on him. Please people, think these things out.

Since this is such a hot topic, I have collaborated with Al-Asqua to alleviate this problem. From now on, all potential suicide bombers below the age of eighteen will be required to take intelligence and aptitude tests, and will be trained to lie properly. They will also be taught that, when stopped at a checkpoint, you DO NOT tell the officers you have a bomb on you! It just ruins the whole operation. Finally, rather than a monetary payment for their operation, all young suicide bombers who pass their performance tests will receive eight packs of Yu-gi-oh cards for their services. (he produces a pack of the cards from his desk.) I know this hardly stands up to an eternity in paradise, but you have to admit the game is very fun. It is advised, though, that you get the most out of the cards before you do your job. Enter a tournament if you're sure you'll win, because you won't have a chance to compete again. (He opens the pack of cards and shows one to the camera.) Look, Exodia. (He slips the card into his pocket)

Next, the Israeli government has just declared that they will now target all Palestinian terrorist leaders for assassination. I want to assure the people that we will not cave in to this empty threat, and we shall fight against them no matter what the cost. That being said, I wish to make an announcement:

As of today, I am hereby relinquishing my position as chairman of the Palestinian territories and bestowing them upon my wife, Suha. If any Israelis are listening out there, remember. SUHA ARAFAT is the leader now, not me, I'm out of this. I have full confidence in my wife's abilities. She is an expert in financial and political matters, and she should be able to run this country smoothly, even from her luxury apartment suite in Paris, along the left bank of the Seine, on Rue de (the rest of the address is cut out by the sounds of a low-flying plane overhead. Arafat looks upwards and appears quite nervous.) Well, I'm afraid I must cut my address short. I am attending a conference on Muslim rights in, uh, Saudia Arabia, yeah, Saudi Arabia sounds good, so I must be going.

(He stands up from his desk and grabs two suitcases by his side.)

When I return to my land, I shall continue to fight for the rights of our people, I just won't be your leader anymore. That's my wife's job now, Suha's in charge. She lives in Paris, and can be found in her apartment almost all day, except between noon and four, when she goes out shopping or to lunch, in case you want to wait for her to return.

(He grabs a plane ticket from off his desk and a travel brochure that reads "Barbados, a world beyond your wildest dreams.")

Allow me to end by saying to my people, continue the fight, we will obtain our freedom. Also, blasting caps and detonators are a lot cheaper when you get them from Half.com.

(A loud crash is heard as the cannon of a tank crashes through the right wall of Arafat's compound. The cannon lowers and aims right at his head.)

Okay, I gotta leave. My wife is the leader now and she lives in Paris. Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

(fade out)

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Replies:

Skit with some changes -- Jim Bevan, 17:17:35 03/29/04 Mon