Corrections -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, [2], 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 08:59:30 09/01/06 Fri
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Corrections
In reply to: Jason 's message, "Dustin Hoffman episode thread" on 21:35:15 08/31/06 Thu

*Tagline: Errors from yesterday's paper are retracted.

Writer... Fred Armisen
Editor-In-Chief... Chris Parnell

(Open on a well-lit office room where a man dressed in casual wear sits at a computer. There are various newspaper articles framed on the wall behind him. He cracks his knuckles and starts typing on it. The words he writes are heard in voice-over.)

Writer (V/O): The Philadelphia Enquirer, in its constant efforts to ensure that its readers and subscribers receive completely factual information in their news, would like to make the following corrections regarding errors that were published in yesterday's paper.

First, in our front-page article on Iran's defiance towards the UN in regards to its continued uranium enrichment program, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad did state that threats and pressure would not cause him to back down. He did not, however, say, "I will continue to guide in the construction of a nuclear powerhouse... IN MY PANTS, BABY! Take that bitches!", as was wrongfully quoted. We believe that comment was wrongfully taken from the Jimmy Kimmel show or some other juvenile late-night program. Regardless, we apologize for the mistake.

In our coverage of the closing of the Saint Barnabas Episcopal elementary school in Germantown, we noted that the primary reason the school shut down was because the student enrollment for the year was less than the minimum required. It was explained that this was caused by factors such as lack of funding, rising costs, and competition from charter schools. However, we were wrong in stating that another such factor that led to declining enrollment was because the teachers were "sicko pervy molesters" the kids were afraid of seeing again out of fear that their "supple young buttholes would be violated over and over again." We deeply regret this mistake, forgetting that sometimes children have wild imaginations. And we sincerely apologize for reporting the faculty of Saint Barnabas to the Megan's Law website, that was our bad, and completely out of our jurisdiction.

Our article on Bucks County's receiving extra funding to combat gang activity indicated that the money would be used to buy new equipment and educate the youth of the county about the dangers of gangs. Regrettably, we failed to notice that the staff member who wrote this piece mentioned that the believed the money would be better spent "tossing all those no-good darkies and wetbacks in the slammer", blaming those ethnic groups for all gang violence. His comments were completely unacceptable - they should have been placed in the Opinion section rather than news.

In the Health and Sciences section, the byline for the article "AIDS Deaths on the Decline in Central Africa" attributes the piece to the wrong author. The article was penned by Joyce Harris of the Associated Press, not Douche-cock McGee of Vagina International Media. (a beat, then he resumes writing) Mister McGee's story is on page E-four regarding which laundry detergent best cleans skidmarks out of tighty-whities, which was wrongfully attributed to Harris. (another beat, then more typing) We sincerely apologize to Miss Harris, and beg of her that she will not seek legal action should this mistake irreparably ruin her career.

While not technically a correction, we have received numerous inquiries from our readers about our coverage of the state governor's race. For the record, candidate Lynn Swann is African-American, and yes, he is running under the Republican ticket. (sounding slightly frustrated) It's true, they exist. So you can stop writing in and telling us that we're bull-shitting you.

Regarding the story on page A-seven about mysterious discs being sighted in the night sky, this was a grievous error on our part. The article was accidentally culled from the Weekly World News tabloid. (his voice tone becomes slightly nervous, as though he was covering something up.) So there is no need to worry... there were NO strange crafts flying over Philadelphia, NO extraterrestrial beings whatsoever.

(Suddenly, the editor-in-chief of the paper, a well-dressed man, comes into the room unheard and rests his hand on the writer's shoulder, causing him to jump up and yelp in shock.)

Editor-in-Chief: How are those retractions coming along?

Writer (trying to calm down): Oh! Uh, fine! Just fine sir... (still nervous) Making sure that I catch every error and fix it.

Editor-in-Chief: Well that's good to hear. We can't have our readers thinking that we willfully allow mistakes, half-truths and blatant errors in the news. The television news presenters have that market cornered.

(The editor starts laughing loudly, and after a few seconds the writer joins in by chuckling nervously. As the editor laughs, a blue, forked tongue darts in and out of his mouth. The writer catches this out of the corner of his eye, but continues laughing so as not to alert suspicion. Eventually, they stop.)

Editor-in-Chief: Ah, that was a good laugh. Well, keep up the good work. I have some important business to attend to. Big plans, very big, if you get my drift.

Writer (trying to remain calm): I can only imagine... sir.

(The editor turns and walks away, showing a blue reptilian tail protruding from the base of his spine and poking through his pants. The writer wipes some sweat away from his forehead and resumes tying on his computer, returning to a voice-over.)

While this is not technically a retraction, it should be noted that the Westchester County Neighborhood Watch will be meeting on Wednesday at eight rather than Thursday. Attendants are asked to please bring any tips they might have on how to kill reptiles. This is very important. Very important!

(voice-over resumes in a calmer tone) Finally, in our in-depth article on the proposal to legalize slot machines in Pennsylvania, it was a grievous error on the part of the paper to publish sidebar articles regarding how slots are supceptible to tampering in order to get massive payouts, especially considering that they were published alongside detailed diagrams and instructional guides. (he pauses for a moment, rubs his chin, then continues typing.) However, if anyone should successfully use this information without getting caught, don't forget who helped you out.

In conclusion, we again apologize for these mistakes. We had wrongfully assumed that our chief copy-editor had successfully completed his rehab. Obviously, we should have realized that he had not when he ran through the office with his pants down, accusing the other staffers of not having gone through formatting and proof-reading and screaming...

(turns to the camera and shouts.)

Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!

(fade out)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Batch of sketches -- Jason, 10:16:05 09/01/06 Fri