Remembering Mitch -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 22:23:48 09/24/06 Sun
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Remembering Mitch
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Sketch for the Dane Cook episode" on 22:08:53 09/24/06 Sun

Tagline: Dane pays tribute to a fallen friend.

... Dane Cook

(Open on Dane standing at home base by himself. The lights are low, and he appears somber as he addresses the audience.)

Dane Cook: You know, I've been having a great time these last couple of years. I'm starring in movies, I've got stand-up specials, it's all wonderful. But as incredible as all this success is, it hurts me to know that one of my friends isn't here to experience some for himself.

It was over a year ago that I lost one of my best friends, and America lost one of its best comedians. Mitch Hedberg was an wonderful person and had an incredible sense of humor, and he never failed in making his audiences laugh. But he had to fight a lot of demons, and in the end they beat him. While Mitch is gone, he left a legacy with his killer one-liners and absurd jokes. And if you don't mind, I'd like to share a couple of my favorite jokes of his.

(He sighs deeply and looks at the audience.)

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died.

I saw a fish all by itself, I said, "Dude, you should stay in school."

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder then."

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.

I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal!

(The audience applauds loudly as Dane looks upward.)

Dane Cook: Mitch, we really miss you man, but you'll always be alive in my heart. (He looks back at the audience) Thank you.

(The scene shifts to show a picture of Mitch Hedberg, with "Rest in Peace" written on it.)

(Fade out)

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