Re-posting Weekend Update with Jim Bevan's jokes -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 16:40:00 09/05/05 Mon
Author: jennings
Subject: Re-posting Weekend Update with Jim Bevan's jokes
In reply to: jennings imitating Patrick Lonergan 's message, "REVIEWS: Steve Carell 09/03/05" on 23:52:03 09/04/05 Sun

Feature Details:

- Vice President Dick Cheney gives the hurricane refugees some advice
- �Diddy� comments on a recent lawsuit against him
- Roger Ebert reviews �The 40 Year Old Virgin�

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Written by Mark Jennings Reese II, Jason Dignard and Jim Bevan

�Tina Fey
�Amy Poehler
Dick Cheney�Darrell Hammond
�Diddy��Finesse Mitchell
Roger Ebert�Fred Armisen

(Fade in)

Announcer: From Studio 8H, in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

Amy Poehler: Good evening, I�m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: And I�m Tina Fey.

We�d just like to start by offering our sympathy to all of those who were hit by Hurricane Katrina. If you know someone, you are someone who was involved, we wish you nothing but hope�hope that you can eventually get back to what you had before the hurricane. All our hopes and prayers are with everybody who has suffered the devastation of Hurricane Katrina in the south. But come on! (Sarcastic) You couldn�t have seen this coming?

(Audience boo Tina�s joke)

Rough room! Here are tonight�s top stories.

Ohio Governor Bob Taft, a lame duck leader, and now a convicted criminal for state ethics violations, said there is still important work for him to do and he will not resign. Didn�t Hitler say something just like that before he killed himself? I think so.

Chief Justice William Rhenquist passed away this week at age 80, after leading the Supreme Court for 33 years. President Bush has offered his respects to Rhenquist and says that he will fill the vacancy as soon as they've finished cloning John Roberts.

The defense team for Saddam Hussein is protesting the date for the former dictator's trial, claiming that it will not have enough time to prepare their case. The Iraqi judge has considered prolonging the trial date, but warned the attorneys that for every additional day the trial is postponed, there will be another hundred volts pumped into the rat bastard.

Officials in Australia's parliament have been forced to rescind a decision to bar the building's security guards from addressing visitors as "mate" after the move sparked a nationwide uproar. Prime Minister John Howard -- who has famously referred to US President George W. Bush as "mate" -- called the directive handed down barring use of the most quintessential of Australian custom, "absurd and ridiculous". Absurd and ridiculous, yes. But remember, these people like getting fucked in the ass by kangaroos!

Researchers in Australia have learned that using dark ultraviolet lights, similar to those found in nightclubs, are an effective tool for luring and trapping cane toads that have been damaging the Australian wilderness for years. However, use of the black lights has caused a new problem, as the toads instantly chirp Donna Summer tunes when exposed.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is defending President Bush on the charge that the government�s sluggish response to Hurricane Katrina is because of racism towards the black community. Are we suppose to believe that? Secretary Rice, you are the whitest black person I have ever seen! Shut it, Oreo!

Tina Fey: And now here with some advice for the Hurricane Katrina victims, is the President, sorry, the Vice President of the United States, Dick Cheney. Mr. Vice President?

Dick Cheney: Hello America. It�s me, the vice president. I really I wish I could do more to help you, but the best I can offer is this�

(Cheney begins to song speak lyrics of �Refugee� by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers)

Somewhere, somehow somebody must have kicked you around some. Tell me why you wanna lay there and revel in your abandon. Listen, it don't make no difference to me baby. Everybody's had to fight to be free. You see you don't have to live like a refugee, now baby you don't have to live like a refugee.

Thank you, America. And remember, you do not have to live like a refugee.

Tina Fey: Vice President Dick Cheney, everyone!

Victory for same-sex couples after the California Senate approved Saturday that would legalize gay marriage. Oprah Winfrey was quoted as saying, "Hey!" And then Keanu Reeves said, "Whoa!" And then The Penguin said, "Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah-wah!!!!" And then Dennis Miller said, "Ha-ha!" And then Herve said, "Ze plane!" And then governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger was stated as saying, "Argh-argh-righ-sag!!!" And then Cary Grant said, "Darling!" And then Kramer said, "Giddyup!" And then George W. Bush said, "Uniter/divider!" And then the baby said, "Goo-goo! Ga-ga!" And that's what they said.

Oceanographers utilized a new red-light camera to explore the deep regions of the Gulf of Mexico, and were astounded to discover marine animals that had eluded detection before, including a new variety of squid and luminescent shellfish. Even more astounding, when caught in the camera's glare, the shellfish blinked "Hi, Mom" in Morse code.

In political and entertainment news, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld will be a guest on �The Late Show with David Letterman�, next week. After that, Rumsfeld will start a 2-week stint as the �Center Square� on �Hollywood Squares�.

Mexican President Vicente Fox in his state of the union address urged all citizens to stay committed to democracy and that they are in charge of that nation. There were said to be thousands of people there for his speech. Afterwards, they all jumped into nine trucks and went to a bar.

A Hong Kong jury Thursday convicted an American woman of poisoning her husband�s milkshake with sedatives and then bludgeoning him to death. However, the verdict was overturned after finding out that it was just �Ovaltine�. Stuff's gross!

In Japan, sales of mimolette cheese have increased greatly after former Prime Minister Yoshiro Mori denounced it as being "hard and dry." Based on this trend, sales of Hugh Hefner's genitals are expected to skyrocket over there.

Author Ann Rice has offered harsh criticism to the relief efforts in New Orleans following the wake of Hurricane Katrina, claiming that the American people looked down on the people and turned their backs on the city when the were in need. She is most furious that the government has done nothing to aid the hundreds of vampires left stranded by the storm.

ABC announced this week that they will halt all promotion and production of their new hurricane television drama. Why? Are you afraid of pissing off all those people in New Orleans? Don�t worry about. They don�t have televisions�they can�t watch TV!

Amy Poehler: Recently, Sean "Diddy" Combs has been sued for using a man's image even after reneging on a big money deal. �Diddy� could look at $5 million dollar lawsuit. Here to comment is �Diddy�.

(�Diddy� comes out and sits down)

�Diddy�: Whassup?

Amy Poehler: Now, �Diddy� did you use this man's image for further use to endorse your clothing line without paying him the equivalent amount promised to him in the beginning of your contract?

�Diddy�: No.

Amy Poehler: �Diddy�, ladies and gentlemen.

In Miami, last weekend, the 2005 Video Music Awards were held and the winners were�ah, who cares!

Actor Nicholas Cage reportedly donated $1 million to the Hurricane Katrina relief effort. Cage commented on the donation, saying, �I did this so the people will be�(intensely) OKAY!�

Some celebrity gossip, Drew Barrymore clashed with a family while at a Mets game in New York this past week. She was reportedly drunk and very rude to the family in a luxury box. Asked to comment, ET said, �Someone needs to get Drew her crazy pills and she�ll be fine!�

We are all aware of the recent Jude Law story. He was caught sleeping with his children�s nanny, Daisy Wright. Well, gossipers, this week, are now talking about how Jude and his fianc�e� Sienna Miller have been seen out and about, hitting the town. Are they back together? Our guess, Jude pulled the old Hugh Grant Caught with a hooker routine!

(Tina & Amy break into the Hugh Grant routine, both doing fake British accents)

Well�well�you know�I was horny, very horny�and I just felt like seeing how the�the nanny was. It was never; never suppose to go that far. (Heads down, heads peer up with innocent eyes) Please!

Amy Poehler: Jude Law, we love you!

Donald Trump announced this week, his new cast of �Apprentice� hopefuls. Trump commented on the new cast saying, �It�s gonna be �uge! It�s gonna be �uger than the destruction in New Orleans!�

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have been slated to sing �America The Beautiful� as part of a 9/11 � NFL tribute. Actually, Jessica will be singing. Nick has been asked to say in the car.

Amy Poehler: This summer, the movie industry has brought us some of the best and worst films in recent history. They have also faced some hard truths, with failing box office sales. �The 40 Year Old Virgin� has topped the box office the last 2 weeks, and now here with his review of �The 40 Year Old Virgin�, starring tonight�s host Steve Carell, movie reviewer from The Chicago Sun-Times, Roger Ebert!

Roger Ebert: Thank you, Amy. You know, with a title like �The 40 Year Old Virgin�, you can�t help but laugh, unless, you are or were still a virgin at 40. It hits close to home! It�s kind of like �This Is Spinal Tap� and hard rock bands. Funny, nonetheless, Steve Carell shines in this sidesplitting comedy! That�s what Michael Roeper said. I, personally, did not see this film as funny, more like a cry for help! Steve Carell, you are not as funny as you think are! When NBC premiered �THE OFFICE�, I watched it�and then I attempted to shoot myself with a gun! Lucky for me, the gun wasn�t loaded. Amy, Tina, �The 40 Year Old Virgin� is not funny, but it was entertaining. It was entertaining, in the fact that, someone thought to write a script about my life at 40. I was virgin at 40. This is Roger Ebert saying, �thumbs down�. Good night.

Amy Poehler: Roger Ebert! And finally today�

Tina Fey: Our hopes and prayers are with everybody who has suffered the devastation of Hurricane Katrina in the south.

For Weekend Update, I�m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: And I�m Amy Poehler.

Tina & Amy: Good night and have pleasant tomorrow.

(Fade out)

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Replies:

PLEASE IGNORE (NT) -- jennings, 16:41:08 09/05/05 Mon