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Date Posted: 11:31:01 10/01/05 Sat
Author: Prateek S.
Subject: I'm posting my sketch here just in case
In reply to: jennings 's message, "A note about writing the Steve Carell episode this week" on 13:31:10 09/26/05 Mon

Here's my MTV bashing sketch.

Let MTV VMA Up Your Life

Announcer... Chris Parnell
VMA Producer... Steve Carrell
Samantha... Amy Poehler
Bruce Springsteen... Will Forte
Violin Player... Kanye West
Audience Member #1... Rachel Dratch
Dave... Seth Meyers
Orlando Bloom... Fred Armisen
Audience Member #2... Horatio Sanz
Frank... Jason Sudeikis
Teacher... Kenan Thompson
Ludacris... Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: MTV has given people the chance to be MADE. They’ve Pimped your Ride. They given so much back to their fans. There’s only one way they can top their selves. Get Ready to Let MTV, VMA Up Your Life. If you win, MTV will send the producers of the Video Music Awards to your town and help make your life more fun! No... they’re not going to teach you skills or make you a better person, that’s not what the Music awards are about. It’s the VMA’s and it’s all about Celebrity Appearances and overbearing stage performances.. Why can’t life be like this over budgeted stage show?
(Cut to a VMA Producer sitting at his desk)

VMA Producer: Ah another one of our drug induced ideas. Let’s give kids more stuff! Why are we always doing giveaway shows? Why do you people love watching other people enjoy themselves? Where’s the entertaining part? Do you know the budget on this show? That’s an extra Christmas bonus going right down the drain. You know I work my ass off on the VMAs for about 2 months in a year, and now I’ve got this fecal matter to deal with! Those snot nosed anal monkeys should have given me my own show. I pitched this awesome show idea, where random celebs compete in a series of human sacrificial and self depriving acts. It was going to be called CELEBRITY: SATAN’S CALLING! (Snaps out of his fantasy) Uh yeah... let’s take a look what happened when young Samantha needed help for her talent show.
(Camera cuts to Samantha looking at the camera)

Samantha: Please MTV... I’m very nervous playing in front of big crowds. I can’t believe my drugged up mom made me sign up for this talent show. How do those artists perform on the Video Music Awards without getting nervous. Please help me out!
(Cut Samantha on stage at her talent show. She’s sitting at the piano)

Samantha:(to the audience) I will now play Canon In D with a special guest.
(Samantha starts to play Canon in D. It’s kind of shaky and weak. Samantha strikes the wrong key. She stops for second. Suddenly the stage revolves and Bruce Springsteen revolves around)

Samantha: Ladies and Gentlemen Bruuuucccccce!
(Audience goes nuts. Bruce Springsteen smiles)

Bruce Springsteen: Born down in Dead Man’s town, and the first kick was when I hit the ground-

Audience Member #1: Oh my gawd! Did she just introduce Bruce Lee! I’m gonna flip out if I see him enter the dragon!
(Everyone gives her a weird look. Mean while Samantha runs from the back of the revolving stage and stands next to Bruce.)

Samantha: Uh... hi!
(Audience becomes silent. Bruce starts singing, and the tune from Born in the USA pots up)

Bruce Springsteen: You end up like a dog that’s been beat too much till you spend half your life just covering up... BORN IN THE USA! BORN IN THE USA! America, it is awesome to be here and not on the Kerry Campaign trail! Let’s keep this party going, yeah!!
(Audience starts cheering and singing along. Samantha notices the reaction and calmly goes backstage)

Samantha: Well my performance was shaky and Bruce Springsteen just took over my act. I can’t believe it... That’s never happened in MY LIFE! Thanks MTV for VMAing up my life!
(Cut to the next act in the talent show, a Violin player playing an upbeat song. Crowd boos)

Violin Player: Man this is wack!

Audience Member #1: You suck!!! Play some Bruce Springsteen, or break a board with your thumb. Coz, I’m not applauding till my cheap tastes are satisfied!

Violin Player: Is it because I’m black? A black man can’t play the violin!

Audience Member #1: Actually, you’re playing the viola! It’s a variation of the violin invented by the great...

Violin Player: Hey don’t patronize me you punk ass bitch! It’s the same thing(flings instrument into the audience and storms off stage)No one cares about Violinists! They just want to shoot us down... emotionally.
(Cut to VMA Producer at his desk)

VMA Producer: So yeah... this is just an awesome contest(sarcastic). But hey this is MTV and they will rule the music world one day. Whatever happened to those Video block hours. I loved those long hours. Do you know how much coke I could snort in that amount of time? (Realizes he’s on camera) Uh well... I didn’t really snort any cocaine, I’m just saying that I had plenty of time to do it. Wow I’m tense, I’m gonna go get my ass waxed! Someone show more clips of kids winning VMA Up My Life! And can that same someone get me a latte and a copy of Spanking Till It’s Blue Monthly?
(Fade to Romeo and Juliet play in action. Cut to Dave backstage)

Dave: Please MTV, I’m a 6th year high school senior and I needed an after school activity to get out of detention. So now I’ve got this dumb ass line in this play. Please VMA Up My Life!
(Cut to play in action. The younger actors are played by extras commence in their lines. Suddenly someone shouts here comes the guards. They are interrupted by the announcer)

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen from Elizabethtown, which opens on October 14th, please welcome Orlando Bloom!
(Crowd goes nuts, as Orlando Bloom walks in the middle of the scene. The young actors are frightened, some run off the stage)

Orlando Bloom: (in a low feminine voice) Hello America! I don’t know why I’m here, but I have that cheap film coming out. So check it out okay. If it bombs I’ll be forced to do comedy. Who wants to see this pansy do comedy? I have a “Cumming on Tuesday routine”... who wants to see me talking about cumming? Man, this small talk is just wasting my time, there goes 20 tabloid magazine covers I could have been on. Ladies and Gentlemen... GUARD NUMBER 2!
(Dave suddenly appears above the stage. He’s strapped to a harness and a wire and he’s slowly lowered to the ground. He’s doing a belly dance and laughing idiotically as he’s lowered. His wire snaps and he falls onto the stage)

Dave: Uh... Line? I didn’t memorize my line okay!
(He stands there with a confused look. But the audience gives standing ovations. Cut to the end of the play and the camera focuses in on Audience Member #2)

Announcer: So what did you think of the show? Who had the best performance Romeo or Juliet?

Audience Member #2: Uh... none of them, I loved Guard #2's role. He was so FREAKING AWESOME!
(He jumps up and down)

Announcer:(giddily laughs) But he only had one line, what makes him so good?

Audience Member #2: Romeo didn’t have Orlando F-ing Bloom introduce him. And I didn’t see Juliet get lowered by a stage harness. Not like she can be lowered, did you notice she’s kind of... (makes the fat gesture with his hands)

Announcer: You mean she’s obese... like you! (Audience member gets a look of sadness. Cut to a class room. With Frank sitting in a desk along with extras playing students. Teacher is at the front)

Frank: (Looks at the camera) I didn’t do my homework, I was too busy watching Real World, and all those other dating shows. So please MTV, VMA up my life and stop my teacher from grading the homework.
(Cut to an older white haired African American teacher)

Teacher: All right class, I’ll assume you did the reading. Now I will call on you randomly and you’ll have to answer a few questions orally. Up first is Frank.

Frank: Why do these have to be orally?

Teacher: Would you rather have them anally? Hahaha! Get ready for your questions.
(Ludacris bursts through the door.)

Ludacris: Any ass thing can happen, because I’m a god, I’m lord of the freaking dance. Yo yo yizzout!

Frank: OH MY GOD... Ludacris you’re here! What you got in your hand dawg! (Frank runs up to Ludacris and starts hugging him)

Ludacris: Get off me Bill O’Reilly! Where’s Mr. Washington?

Teacher: Right here!

Ludacris: And the winner of the Moon-Man for best token black teacher in a conservative white prep school goes to... Mr. Washington!

Teacher: Yeah.. I won. (Looks at the camera) I ain’t thanking no one. Especially that cheapskate, god! This was done all on my own, and thanks MTV for VMAing up my life! I finally got a teacher’s award and it was delivered by my dawg Ludacris! Hey Luda stick around for some time.(Looks at the class) Class Dismissed. Go on and get the hell out of here!
(Class happily leaves. Frank gets out a Cadillac Grill from his desk)

Frank: Please Mr. Ludacris, I’ve had this grill in my desk hoping one day a Souther Rapper would come in and sign it!
(Ludacris takes the grill. He looks at it for a minute and then smacks Frank in the head leaving him unconscious)

Ludacris: Hey teach... got any bitches back there?

Teacher: No sadly there ain’t any. (Lights up) But there’s a hot student teacher in the Math department!
(Ludacris and Teacher run out of the classroom. Cut to the VMA producer lying on a massage table with a towel on)

VMA Producer: It’s bad enough I don’t get paid a lot, but now MTV screwed me out of an ass waxing. All I got was a free massage from the masseuse academy, and that’s never a good idea! At least you idiots have a bed to look forward to. My apartment burned down so I have to sleep on the floor of Denny’s! All that money could have helped me out, but no! And the critics are calling the show an unorthodox piece of garbage and blaming me for the destruction of morals in youth. I’ll give you critics a moral fact... I haven’t moved a bowel in over 11 weeks! Why can’t MTV VMA up my life? Why doesn’t Lindsay Lohan ride up on a yacht and deliver me some prune juice? Why the hell doesn’t that happen?
(Cut to the announcer)

Announcer: So enter now and Let MTV VMA Up Your Life. And make sure to tune in to MTV this fall for VMA Up My Life. Where you’ll see these teens and others live out their new VMAed up life! Because we’re MTV, and we’re never going to show music videos again so enjoy our stale moronic programming!
(Scene fades to black)

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