Weekend Update Material -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 12:40:41 10/06/05 Thu
Author: Jason
Subject: Weekend Update Material
In reply to: Jason 's message, "Sketches for Jon Heder Episode" on 12:06:41 10/06/05 Thu

Bill Buckner...Seth Meyers

President Bush has completed his nominations for retiring Supreme Court Justice Sandra
Day O�Connor and has talked them over with the Senate. Some of the nominations
include Tom Cruise, Oprah Winfrey and the guy who says, �Can you hear me now?� on
the phone commercials. However, Bush is adamant in finding someone in her family, and
has pushed hard to get her cold, bald Irish grandniece. (picture of Sinead O�Connor)

Nearly 300 employees of Wal-Mart stores in Florida have created an association to speak
out against the retail giant stating the company�s reduced hours and constant changing of
schedules. But, what they were most upset about was what they got in their paychecks.
(picture of yellow smiley face holding up blurred middle finger with sign that says, �You
will work and you will like it.�)

The White House has criticized William Bennett, former Education Secretary for his
remarks on having black babies aborted would be effective in diminishing the crime rate.
This ridiculous comment has insulted every rational thinking human being on the face of
the planet, especially since one of our president�s did very well with himself. (picture of
extra playing Thomas Jefferson holding a number of black babies) Bennett is also
candidate for Jackass of the Year. Congrats, Mr. Bennett. (shown tacking on his photo on
a wall with pictures of George W. Bush, Michael Brown, Tom Cruise, and many others
which are impossible to see)

A case has been started as to a group of orphanage kids who were used for a sick project
in which the kids became long-termed stutterers. Some of the victims include a janitor
worker from New York, a butcher from New Jersey, and this pig. (picture of Porky Pig)

President Bush in an effort to desist his sharp decline in American support in anything he does, said Thursday that Islamic terrorists are seeking to "enslave whole nations" and that is a reason to stay in Iraq and go over there until we are victorious. "We never back down," said Bush, "even if we don't win."

Amy Poehler: The Boston Red Sox suffered a huge loss Wednesday in their ALDS game against the Chicago White Sox, after a supposed double play ball went under second baseman Tony Graffanino's legs, which then caused the three-run homer that won the game. Here to talk about this tragic loss is former Red Sox first baseman Bill Buckner.

(Bill Buckner comes out with moustache and normal clothing)

Bill Buckner: Hi, everyone. Bill Buckner, here. After the Sox won the 2004 World Series, my life has been better than it has ever been. People sending flowers to me about how much they are sorry that have booed for nearly fifteen years. Getting cards with money in it, which is always a gift in itself, telling me how awful they feel that they made my life a living hell. It's truly been great.

What Tony Graffanino did may be the biggest mistake of his life. Believe me, I know. My career after a simple ground ball going under me has been kaput in the baseball industry. My team said that it wasn't my fault that we lost the World Series in '86, but everytime I turned around, it sounded like someone punching their locker, screaming at the top of their lungs, "That f'ing Buckner." It was probably just in my mind, since I seemed to be losing it at that point.

Anyway, Graff, the loss of the ALDS will be on your shoulders, bud. And get ready for torment that you wouldn't believe. When I went back to my hometown, I suffered a series of troubling, disturbing events that will never leave my psyche any time soon, and I wouldn't want to talk about it.

There was the time I went downtown and high school kids started chucking rocks at me, or the time I went to the grocery store and all of the customers started chucking food at me mostly heavy cheese and frozen foods, or the time I went past the old folks' home and they started chucking their plentiful amount of pill bottles at me. I could talk about when I foiled a robbery on the street, and when I helped the woman from the ground she maced me anyway, saying how easy it was to pick up a ball like that. I could talk about the time when I played mall Santa Claus and kids told their parents how they could, just by intuition, smell the stench of failure. I could even mention the time I met up with a priest for any type of salvation, and how he replied with an emphatic "no" and that a cross-bound Jesus Christ could've made the play better.

All in all, a tough fourteen years, but I have gotten by, and my reputation has cleared since the Red Sox won. Graff, you are going to go through some tough times, and I'll be here for you. If you need to talk to me, I clean pools in the Boston area, and sometimes make my living coaching girl's softball, where a play like I did, isn't as bad. Thank you.

Amy Poehler: Bill Buckner, ladies and gentlemen.

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Replies:

More WU Material -- Jason, 13:06:44 10/06/05 Thu

Re: More WU Material -- Jim Bevan, 13:11:15 10/06/05 Thu