Three Sketches/Weekend Update Jokes -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 01:25:13 11/11/05 Fri
Author: Jason Dignard
Subject: Three Sketches/Weekend Update Jokes
In reply to: Jason Dignard 's message, "Sanctuary for Jason Lee Episode" on 01:24:10 11/11/05 Fri

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Joseph McCarthy�s Billy Goat Hearings

Harry Smith...Darrell Hammond
Joseph McCarthy...Will Forte
Gail Hopkins...Amy Poehler
Senator Richard B. Russell...Jason Lee

Announcer(voice): And now we return to A&E Biography....

(clip of real-life Joseph McCarthy with no audio reprimanding someone on the bench for
being a communist)

(cut to host standing in front of collage of famous happenings)

Harry Smith: Welcome back to our biography of Joseph McCarthy. As U.S. senator for
the state of Wisconsin, McCarthy became known as one of the most hated and infamous
men of the 20th century. Grossly uncorrobated accusations towards everybody being
Communists was his motivation as senator, and became one of the darkest periods in
American history. But, what many people don�t know was Joseph McCarthy�s other
�witch hunt.� In 1953, there were many sources that were bringing his Red Scare to a
close: The new film Good Night And Good Luck is centered around a TV show that
Edward R. Murrow created that helped bring the witch hunts to a national audience, and
lack of evidence was starting to build. But, the most damning circumstance to his being
censured as senator was his Billy Goat Hearings in the year of 1954. Here are some clips;
they very likely put the nail in the coffin of McCarthyism.

(black and white footage; woman sitting on stand and frazzled McCarthy sitting behind
table addressing)

Joseph McCarthy: State your name, ma�am, for the record.

Gail Hopkins: Gail Hopkins.

Joseph McCarthy: And what is your occupation?

Gail Hopkins: I was your maid. Back when you could afford it.

Joseph McCarthy: Just saying maid will suffice.

Gail Hopkins: Okay.

Joseph McCarthy: Ms. Hopkins, do you know why you are here this afternoon?

Gail Hopkins: Actually, no. I don�t really know why I�m here, Joe.

Joseph McCarthy: That�s Senator McCarthy.

Gail Hopkins: Sorry.

Joseph McCarthy: Ms. Hopkins, is it not true that you deal with....um...let�s say, garbage,
on a daily basis.

Gail Hopkins: Yes, I�m a maid. I tidy up rooms for my employers for money.

Joseph McCarthy: That�s right. That�s absolutely right. Ms. Hopkins, can you tell me what
a billy goat does?

Gail Hopkins: A what?

Joseph McCarthy: A billy goat. A goat. You know...

Gail Hopkins: Ah....nothing. I can�t think of anything that a goat does.

Joseph McCarthy: A goat, Ms. Hopkins, walks around all day, picking up trash with it�s
mouth. Goats are around trash everyday, it�s their way of life. Ms. Hopkins, it is the
opinion of this committee...(cut to senators shaking their heads �no�)...that you are in fact
nothing but a goat.

Gail Hopkins: What?

Joseph McCarthy: Ms. Hopkins, is this your picture?

(pulls back curtain and picture shows Hopkins bending over to pick up a soda can)

Gail Hopkins: Hey, where did you get that?

Joseph McCarthy: That�s not important.

Gail Hopkins: I�m in my pajamas.

Joseph McCarthy: Nevertheless. Now, is that you?

Gail Hopkins: Yes.

Joseph McCarthy: And what are you doing?

Gail Hopkins: I�m picking up some trash.

(McCarthy pulls back another picture of a goat eating a soda can)

Joseph McCarthy: I rest my case.

(back to A&E studio)

Harry Smith: Senator Joseph McCarthy�s drilling of possible �suspects� did not impress
everyone that saw. With the advent of television, people all over the country could see
what was truly an attack of the innocent.

(back to black and white footage)

Joseph McCarthy: Senator Richard B. Russell.

Richard B. Russell: Yes, that�s my name.

Joseph McCarthy: And where are you senator from?

Richard B. Russell: State of Georgia.

Joseph McCarthy: Georgia! Beautiful state.

Richard B. Russell: That it is, pardner.

Joseph McCarthy: I�ve been to Georgia. I notice that in many of the major cities, there is
garbage scattered throughout the streets.

Richard B. Russell: Well, the world isn�t what it used to be.

Joseph McCarthy: You�re right about that.

Richard B. Russell: Pollution and littering are problems that will be tough to solve in the
future, but I feel it can be done. And our streets were like that probably due to celebration
of Korean War privates coming back home.

Joseph McCarthy: (agitated) I see. Tell me, senator, what does your son do for work?

Richard B. Russell: He is in waste management.

Joseph McCarthy: (with a bright smile on his face) Aaaahhhh! Waste management. So he
works with garbagemen who pick up trash everyday.

Richard B. Russell: Actually, he works in an office, but yeah, he does....

Joseph McCarthy: And you say that your son picks up trash for a living?

Richard B. Russell: Well, no.

Joseph McCarthy: A-ha!

Richard B. Russell: Look, fella, what is your deal?

Joseph McCarthy: My deal, senator, is that I have great faith in the fact that your son may
be a trash picker-upper by day, and by night he transforms into a mutant hybrid of human
being-slash-mountain goat. Do you hear me, senator?

Richard B. Russell: You, my friend, are a loony.

Joseph McCarthy: I�m the one pointing the finger, Russell. I am in no way a bird of any
kind. No loony here.

Richard B. Russell: I will see to it that you never work a day in U.S. government ever
again.

Joseph McCarthy: That�ll be the day.

(back to studio)

Harry Smith: But, that�s exactly what he did. Richard B. Russell was one of several that
eventually censured Joseph McCarthy and sent him to an early grave with his alcoholism.
Coming up tomorrow on A&E Biography, we will look into the enigmatic romance of one
of America�s favorite couples: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline. Thank you for
watching and good night.

(fin)

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The Movie Man

Keith...Jason Lee
Alex...Amy Poehler
Audience Member 1...Andy Samberg
Audience Member 2...Kenan Thompson
Audience Member 3...Bill Hader
Mother...Rachel Dratch

(sketch takes place in a movie theatre with characters looking at the screen)

Keith: Man, I�m so glad we�re watching this movie. I haven�t gone to a theatre in years.

Alex: Well, I�m glad to bring you along. We�ve been dating for a week now, and thought
a movie would be a great way to get into the romantic mood.

Keith: No problem there.

(both laugh)

Alex: Ooooh, it�s starting.

(lights dim and movie begins; caption comes on saying �One Hour Later�; couple is still
watching the movie)

Keith: Who�s that guy?

Alex: That�s the spy. He was the one with the blonde hair in the beginning.

Keith: The spy? The spy for what?

Alex: (confused) The spy for the Russian government. At the beginning of the movie.

Keith: Oh right, right. (couple of seconds go by as they both are eating popcorn) And
who�s that guy?

Alex: That�s the guy who�s spying on him.

Keith: I don�t remember him in the beginning.

Alex: Look, just watch.

(couple seconds go by)

Keith: I think I should know who the guy is.

Audience Member 1: Quiet.

Keith: Is he the man at the beginning with the sugar cone?

Alex: What?

Keith: The man at the start when he had ice cream and was talking to someone.

Alex: That was a kid, Keith. Just watch the movie.

Keith: But, I thought it was a guy.

Alex: It was a kid.

Keith: I know, but I thought it was a kid.

Audience Member 2: Hey, we�re trying to watch the movie.

Audience Member 1: Shut up.

Keith: Sorry.

(Caption: One Hour Later)

Keith: Now, who�s she?

Alex: She�s the girlfriend of the hero.

Keith: Hero?

Alex: (angry) The guy at the beginning spying on the spy.

Keith: But, why are they pointing guns at each other?

Alex: Because they are sworn enemies.

Keith: But I thought the first guy was friends with the second guy. Not friends with the
third guy, and from the start of the film he was helping the second guy get rid of the third
guy.

Alex: What is your problem? I thought you loved movies.

Keith: I do love films. It�s just that, I can never seem to pay attention in a movie theatre.

Audience Member 3: Shut the hell up.

Keith: Sorry. (couple of seconds go by) Who�s he?!!!

Alex: (enraged) That�s the same guy!!!!

Keith: Which guy?

Alex: Look, the man at the start of the film was a spy and his friend was was...

Keith: Oh, I know that. But, who�s this guy?

Alex: It�s the same guy.

Keith: Oh. (couple seconds go by) Now, who�s this guy?

Alex: (enfuriated and jumping up and down) It�s the same guy. It�s a new scene and he has
changed clothing. He also looks like he may have put a baseball cap on. But, it is the same
guy, the same guy, alright?

Keith: Alright.

Alex: My God.

Keith: Now, where are they going?

Alex: I don�t know, they�re in a car and I don�t know.

Keith: What kind of car is that?

Audience Members: SHUT UP!!!!!

Keith: Whoa, easy, guys.

(Caption: One Hour Later)

Keith: (restless) How long is this movie?

Alex: About three hours long.

Keith: I hope it�s almost done.

Alex: (bitter) Me too.

(few seconds go by as loud noises come from screen)

Keith: My God. That is just horrible. (Alex hides her face from the horror on the screen)
Good Lord. Man, oh man. How brutal. Now, why we he do that to a friend of his?

Alex: (staring at him with disbelief) That�s it.

(Alex gets up and leaves)

Keith: Wait, where are you going? I need to know what happened to the fourth and fifth
guy, and the first woman and the kid...the kid with the sugar cone. What happened to the
sugar cone kid? What happened????!!!!

(later that day, cut to old woman in her house; Keith enters)

Keith: Hi, Mom.

Mother: Oh, hello dear. How are you?

Keith: Oh, not good. I lost another date again.

Mother: Oh, Alex? She was lovely. What happened?

Keith: We went to the movies and she just went berserk. I don�t know.

Mother: Oh, that�s too bad. You have a few messages. One from your friend, Jason.

Keith: Jason, he�s the guy with the glasses, right?

Mother: What?

Keith: Jason�s the one with glasses?

Mother: No, that�s Kirk. Jason is the guy with red hair.

Keith: Oh, yeah. What did he want?

Mother: He wanted to let you know that he will never be taking you to a hockey game
ever again. He says telling you the rules every five minutes is ridiculous and unhealthy for
him. And the other message is from your doctor about your disorder.

Keith: Doctor Detroit?

Mother: No, Doctor Spalding? Doctor Detroit was a movie.

Keith: I better go see him then. The hospital is down the road and three blocks, right?

Mother: No, it�s a couple miles away. You have to get on the highway, remember?

Keith: I think so. Love ya, ma.

(Keith leaves)

Mother: I love that boy.

Keith(voice): Is my car the blue one or the red one?

(fin)

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60 Minutes (co-written with Mark Jennings Reese)

Ed Bradley...Kenan Thompson
Andy Rooney...Bill Hader

(studio of 60 Minutes)

Ed Bradley: ...and judging from the CIA leak, the Bush administration is in for an
investigation. And now, a few minutes with Andy Rooney.

(cut to messy office area of Andy Rooney)

Andy Rooney: Everyday I get letters from my fans asking what is it that makes me tick.
I�ll tell you what makes me tick. Everytime I get up in the morning I think about
everything that comes into my mind. Sort of a stream of consciousness type of life, I
guess.

One morning while eating at Denny�s, I noticed that they didn�t serve corn beef hash.
What ever happened to corn beef hash? I found it quite yummy. Not a lot of salt, but a
salt-like texture. And it�s gooey paste of a taste always made my mouth water. Is corn
beef hash really that bad that they don�t hold it at a Denny�s? What has become of our
culture? And why the heck can't I get a serving of corn beef harsh at Denny's? Who are
the Neo-Nazis that are keeping something good wholesome and decent away from this
journalist. The answer is, I don't know.

Jumbo shrimp. Calling something big as small, and vice versa. I believe that there should
be a word for this type of thing, and that�s my opinion.

When was the last time that anybody came up with new patterns to put on umbrellas? All I
see are solid colors; one color, on each of them. And who invented the umbrella? Who
came up with the idea to pull back on a tab and bring the umbrella to life? And where do
you get umbrellas? And why is it so bad to open an umbrella indoors? Who are the
Neo-Nazis who came up with the rule?

No matter what you say to me, I�m sticking to my gut: a gondola is the same thing as a
canoe.

Elbow macaroni is such a strange shape for a pasta. And what about the fusilli? Pinwheel?
It all tastes the same to me.

Why is it that wolves have fangs and I don�t? I�m better than a wolf, but you don�t see me
with fangs! Who are the Neo-Nazi who gave wolves fangs? I'd like to know. I deserve
fangs, and would put them to good use.

There are so many different types of candy bars out now, and they are all made of
chocolate. (for next sequence, he starts taking out candy bars and showing to audience)
This is a Reese�s Peanut Butter Cup. This is a Snickers. This one is called a Mars bar.
Butterfinger. Whatchamicallit! This is 3 Musketeers. This one is called a Clark bar. Oh
Henry! Caramello. Another Snickers bar. More Snickers. Another Butterfinger. Fast
Break. This one is called a Baby Ruth. This is another Caramello. This is another Snickers.

I'm Andy Rooney and thank you for spending just a few minutes with me, Andy Rooney.
Good night.

(back to studio)

Ed Bradley: Thank you for joining us on 60 Minutes. Next weekend on 60 Minutes, we
will talk about the federal deficit, interview the husband of the CIA operative victim, and
visit the damage sustained by Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. And Andy Rooney will be back
to talk about the lack of people who where nightcaps anymore and why firefighters should
go back to wearing red instead of yellow. Good night.

(fin)

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Weekend Update

Ortho Evra birth control patches pose risks such as increased estrogen and blood clots.
The drug may also cause the death of unborn fetuses.

Rioting as begun to eradicate in the streets of France after two long weeks of violence.
However, the stench is still there, and ever increasing.

In London, England, a tooth believed to be pulled from the mouth of the Napoleon was
purchased at $22,600. The bidder was said to have been a fanatic of the great warrior
mind of Napoleon, and stated that the tooth was delicious.

A former Elvis impersonator helped catch a thief who stole more than $200,000 worth of
memorabilia in a Las Vegas Elvis Presley museum. Nevada police said if it weren�t for
him, they would�ve had to find out what was missing with nothing but a hound dog.

A wealthy presidential candidate in Sri Lanka has promised if elected, that he will give
everybody a free cow. The cow can be used for milk, meat, anything. Anything! (picture
of man in boxers caressing cow�s face)

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