Sketch is here in the reply -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, [4], 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 11:48:17 11/27/05 Sun
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Sketch is here in the reply
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Sketch for Dane Cook's show" on 11:47:09 11/27/05 Sun

SHOKAKROTCH 5000
Jim Bevan

Mother... Tina Fey
Jeremy ... Jason Sudeikis
Spokesman... Chris Parnell
Coach... Horatio Sanz
Dan... Dane Cook
Cassie... Kristen Whig
Little League Players & Parents... extras

(open on a teenager's bedroom. Jeremy, a kid about 17 or 18, is lying on his bed playing a handheld game. His mother opens the door, sees her son lounging around, and gets a look of disapproval on her face.)

Mother (loudly): Jeremy!

(Jeremy is startled by his mother's shout. He jumps and drops the game on his mattress, then turns to look at his mother. A nonchalant look appears on his face.)

Jeremy (indifferent): Something wrong, Mom?

Mother (stern): Why are you lying around playing those stupid games? You have an economics report to finish!

Jeremy: Hey, chill Mom. It's just a few pages about comprehensive Keynesian economic theory and how it relates to today's financial world. Easy stuff. I'll have it done before it's due tomorrow.

Mother: It's one-thirty A.M, Jeremy. It is tomorrow!

(Jeremy looks at the clock on his cabinet and sees the time, realizing that his mother is right. She sighs in frustration.)

Jeremy: Oh... it is. I guess I should get started on that paper then. (He reaches over, opens a drawer in a cabinet by his bed, and pulls out a bag of chips.) After lunch. (He reaches into the bag and starts munching on the chips.)

Mother (exasperated): Honestly Jeremy, you'll never accomplish anything if you keep procrastinating and goofing off!

Jeremy (between bites): Not true, Mom. I could eventually become the mayor of a small Michigan town. (a beat) Of course, that all depends on how many voters think my nomination is just a gag and choose me thinking it's a joke that won't make a difference when the ballots are counted. It all depends.

(Jeremy goes back to munching on his chips as his mother stifles a scream and stomps her foot in anger. Letting out another sigh, she turns to the camera with a look of disappointment.)

Mother: My son is a bright kid, but he just doesn't have the drive he needs to get ahead. I wish there was something I could do to help motivate him.

Spokesman (V/O): How about a shock to his genitals?

(The mother looks around in surprise at hearing this claim)

Mother: Would that really work?

Spokesman: Absolutely. What better means of prodding someone into doing what you want them to than a quick jolt to their goody bag? And we can help you do just that.

(the scene quickly cuts to a plastic table in an empty room. On the table is what appears to be a pair of purple briefs with circutry running through the fibers, and a small device like a remote control is set aside it.)

Spokesman: Introducing the Sony Shokakrotch 5000, the pinnacle of motivational technology. By combining Skinner's theory of conditioned reflexes and aversion therapies with the brutality of chief Inquisitor Torquemada, the target subject's behavior will conform to your ideal status quickly and permanently.

(cut back to the mother, who is addressing the camera and seems a little put off by the concept.)

Mother (skeptically): But isn't shocking my son's genitals an inhumane approach to get him to do his homework more quickly?

Spokesman (enthusiastically): You've got that right, madam. Just strap the Shokakrotch to your son's groin area, turn on the controller, and whenever he gets out of line, you can correct his abberant behavior with 500 volts to Mr. Happy.

Mother (still skeptical): Okay... how do I get it onto him without his noticing?

Spokesman: Ma'am, once you buy it, that's your problem.

(the scene changes to show Jeremy in the den of his house, sitting at his computer.)

Spokesman: Watch how effective the Shokakrotch 5000 is at eliciting a stronger work ethic from this lazy teenager.

(Jeremy's mother walks into the room, angry that he's on the computer.)

Mother (angry): Jeremy! Shouldn't you be studying for your Physics test?!

Jeremy (indifferent): In a minute, Mom. I have to finish this for my blog. It's a list of quotes from the "Harry Potter" movies that are much funnier by changing one word with "balls." Heh heh. Listen to this, I took it from Chamber of Secrets: "Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its balls." Is that killer or what?
Mother (sarcastic): So, you find testicle humor funny? Well then, this should be a laugh riot.
(She pulls the control panel out from her pocket and presses a button on it. A loud electrical buzzing is heard, and Jeremy twitches in his chair, screaming in pain. After a few seconds, she presses the button again and Jeremy falls back into his chair, breathing heavily.)
Jeremy (surprised): What the hell was that?!
Mother: That was the Shokakrotch 5000 working its magic. You've had trouble motivating yourself, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. From now on, whenever you slack off in your study habits, your pleasure bag will be answering to me. So, did you get the humor in that, or do I need to repeat the joke? (She smiles smugly)
Jeremy: Okay, okay, you've made your point. But how the hell did you get that thing around my nuts?
(His mother stands silently for a while, looking to the camera for answers. After a few seconds, she presses the button again and shocks her son once more.)
Mother: Don't waste your time asking dumb questions, start studying!
Jeremy: All right! I'm going!
(Jeremy gets up and runs out of the room. His mother turns off the controller and again smiles victoriously.)
(the scene cuts to a baseball field where a group of Little Leaguers is practicing. Their coach watches them from the sidelines and appears pleased with their performance.)
Spokesman: The Shokakrotch is the perfect way to obtain 100 percent effort from children, at work, and at play. Isn't that right, coach?
(The coach turns to the camera to answer the question.)
Coach (proud): That's right. My team was ranked dead last in the previous season. But thanks to the motivating powers of the Shokakrotch 5000, we're second in the rankings this year. The kids have never played better in their lives. (He looks to the left and motions to someone off camera.) Danny, come over here. (Dan, a young kid in uniform, walks over to the coach and looks at the camera. He has a rather worried expression on his face.) Danny's my third baseman. He had a lot of rough breaks last year, but now... the boy's MVP. And I owe it all to the Shokakrotch. Isn't that right, Danny? (He puts his hand on Dan's shoulder.)
Dan (in a high-pitched voice): Yes... you're right. I was a really poor player until coach started using the Shokakrotch. That really gave me the motivation I needed to play my best. Now I'll never again feel the shame of defeat. (He looks down at his groin area.) That's not the only thing I won't be feeling ever again...
Coach (interrupting): Okay, that's great Danny, you can go now. (Danny walks offscreen) Yeah, those nut-zappers are a godsend. It was a little tricky getting 'em onto the kids, though. Some rather... unpleasant moments occured.
(cut to the coach and a kid in the dugout. The coach has a pair of Shokakrotch briefs in his left hand, and he's reaching for the kid's pants with his right. The boy is squirming and trying to get away from him.)
Coach (forceful): Come on, Kevin, drop your pants!
Boy (in protest): No! Get away from me!
Coach: Do you wanna win games, Kevin? Huh, do ya?! Then drop your drawers and let me get in there!
(The scene is broken up by two men who converge on the area and wrestle the coach away from Kevin, then proceed to start beating him. The coach screams out from the beatings.)
Coach (V/O): Yeah... in retrospect, I guess that looked kind of bad
(the scene shifts back to the Shokakrotch on the table in the empty room)
Announcer: The Shokakrotch 5000 has dozens of versatile applications. With it, you can increase employee performance, stop annoying telemarketers, get that bank loan you've been after, convince your husband to help you with the damn dishes, make little Billy finish his broccoli, even effectively interrogate terror suspects at secret C.I.A prisons... if there are secret C.I.A. prisons... which everyone knows there aren't. It's all a lie designed by terror-sympathizing liberal propagandists to diminish support for our troops. (nervously) Heh heh... right? (back to a normal tone) Moving on, let's check back with Jeremy and his family. Just look at the changes that have been made.

(the scene changes to a living room where the mother from earlier is sitting on a couch reading a magazine. Jeremy slowly walks up to her with a slightly frightened look on his face.)

Jeremy (nervous): Uh... Mom... the trash has been taken out, and I just finished folding and putting away my laundry. So, um... (fiddling with his fingers) is there anything else you need done, or can I get ready for my date with Cassie?

Mother (inquisitive): Have you finished your biology project? (she begins to reach for her pocket)

Jeremy (near-panic): Yes! Yes! It was completed yesterday! For this semester and the next!

Mother: Well then...

(She reaches into her pocket. Jeremy cringes in fear of what is coming, but is surprised to see his mother pull out some $20 bills.)

Mother: Here's some money for dinner. You and Cassie have a wonderful evening.

(Jeremy, completely surprised, takes the money and smiles widely)

Jeremy: Thanks Mom, this is great! I've gotta wash up before I head out.

(He rushes off-screen, and a few-seconds later the sounds of a running shower can be heard. His mother sits back and smiles.)

Mother (to the camera): My son has more ambition than he ever did before. Thank you, Shokakrotch. (She picks up her magazine and starts reading it again, then after a moment puts it down with a quizzical expression.) Did I deactivate it or not?
(A loud electrical snap eminates from offscreen, followed by screams of anguish from Jeremy. His mother is surprised by the sudden surge.) Hmmn, guess I didn't.

(cut to a fancy restaurant setting. The camera is focused on a table, with a close up on Cassie, a well-dressed teenage girl. She has a happy expression on her face as she talks to her date sitting across from her.)

Cassie: This is a marvelous restaurant; it's so romantic. Thank you again, Jeremy. I'm having a great time. (a beat) Though I wish they didn't have to put us in the smoking section.

(the camera pans back to include Jeremy in the shot. His skin is singed black in certain areas, his hair frizzed up, and smoke comes off his body.)

Jeremy (bitterly): I'm sorry about that, Cass. I wish it could have been better. (He turns to the camera and takes a sarcastic tone.) Thanks, Shokakrotch.

(He turns back to his date, and Cassie begins sniffing the air.)

Cassie: Hmmn, I don't know why, but I'm in the mood for smoked salmon.

(Jeremy groans in frustration.)

(cut back to the Shokakrotch and its controller on a table, with the words "SHOKAKROTCH 5000" on the bottom of the screen, and the SONY logo in the upper right corner.)

Announcer: The Shokakrotch 5000. From Sony. Making quality products to torment ignorant Americans for fifty-nine years.

(fade out)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Re: Sketch is here in the reply -- Prateek S., 00:33:38 11/28/05 Mon