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Date Posted: 18:23:13 02/19/05 Sat
Author: Marcus Campbell
Subject: Re: REVIEWS: Hilary Swank 02/19/05
In reply to: Patrick Lonergan 's message, "REVIEWS: Hilary Swank 02/19/05" on 17:51:35 02/19/05 Sat

My cold open didn't make it this week so Im wondering what all of you guys think. Also, I'd appreciate if people reviewed all the sketches in the show since my sketches always seem to appear last, why I do not know, and most reviews seem to stop around weekend update. Thanks.

The Princeton Review
Darrell Hammond..Announcer
Hillary Swank........Dana Wilkes
Chris Parnell..........Edward Grant
Amy Poehler.........Gillian Fisch
Seth Meyers..........Josh Bendorf
Horatio Sanz.........Mr. Spliff
Tina Fey................Carol Kirby
Rachel Dratch........Kaleen Kirby

[open on CNN intro]
Announcer: Hello and welcome to CNN's coverage of the press
conference being held by the Princeton Review to
unveil it's new Top Party Preschools list. We
now go live to the conference.
[cut to the press conference]
Dana Wilkes: Hello, Im Dana Wilkes and I will be speaking
on the behalf of The Princeton Review.
Alright, we are here to announce our list of
the Top Ten Party Preschools in the nation, a
new feature recently added to coincide with
our Top Ten Party Schools for post secondary
institutions. And the list reads as follows:
10. Mommy's Little Helpers - Hollywood,
California
9. Wow, Is That My Hand? DCC - Salem, Oregon
8. Capt. Morgan's Pre-K - Uniontown,
Pennsylvania
7. Drew Barrymore School Of Montessori -
Ogden, Utah
6. PotHead Start Program - Brooklyn, New York
5. One, Two, Four...Something - Cary, North
Carolina
4. Little Pilots Development Center - Ocala,
Florida
3. Fee Fi Fo Fried Day Care - Miramar, Florida
2. Mr. Wobbly's Learning Center - Colorado
Springs, Colorado
And the number one party preschool in the
nation is...
1. Lil' Snorts - Warren, Michigan.
Any questions? Yes, you there.
Edward Grant: Edward Grant here for the American Medical
Association, isn't this just like your
college list, a reckless attempt by the
Review to gain attention for it's new
preschool academic guides?
Dana Wilkes: That's a fair question, yes, a very astute
question. My answer to that would be no sir,
it is our opinion that social life is integral
to the university experience and that
preparing for college is like saving for it:
you need to start early. Does anyone else find
it hot in here? I find it very warm, excuse me
for a moment [pulls out the Review's academic
preschool guide and uses it as a fan, mugging
it for the camera] There much better. Now, as
I was saying, The Review neither condones nor
encourages partying at any level, whether
university or preschool but if your child can
tap a keg at age five, they'll have a much
better chance for success at, say, the
University of Indiana or Florida State.
Edward Grant: This list just seems like such a black eye to
such an upstanding publication, though.
Wouldn't you agree?
Dana Wilkes: Well, no, I wouldn't, I mean we also index
preschools in numerous academic areas and we
even counter the party rankings with a list of
the top ten "Stone Cold Sober Preschools"
which this year includes such fine
institutions as Little 12 Steps Day Care in
Bristol, Conneticut and the AA BC Learning
Center in Lancaster, California so it's not
like we're being irresponsible. Any other
questions? Yes, you there.
Gillian Fisch: Hello, Florida Department Of Education
Director Gillian Fisch here, and I would
just like to say that I believe it's
completely irresponsible for you to print
such a list and I am seriously considering
shutting down some of the schools that
appear on this party index. I'll tell you
right now, I don't want some day care
pervert teaching my little girl how to roll
a joint or funnel a beer. What if it's
different from the way I teach it? Partying
should begin at home.
Dana Wilkes: Well, that's certainly a valid opinion but
it's not as if we're promoting a school where
the children would be unhappy, I mean
partying's all about fun whether it be at home
or in school and we at The Review believe a
healthy mix of teaching from both sources can
fully prepare a child for the post secondary
world. Besides, the kids love attending these
schools but don't take my word for it, take
four year old Josh Bendorf's word, a current
pupil at Capt. Morgan's Pre-K. Come on up,
Josh.
[Josh takes the podium]
Josh Bendorf: Hello, everybody. I just want to say since I
enrolled at Capt. Morgan's Pre-K, I've
already been rushed by six fraternities at
Penn State. Plus, Capt. Morgan's is really
really fun. I like Thursdays, when Mr. Spliff
visits. Thank you.
[a giant cartoonish spliff mascot appears on stage next to Josh and escorts him offstage]
Dana Wilkes: See? Sufficiently prepared and having a blast.
Now does anybody else have any questions or
comments?
Carol Kirby: I do. My five year old daughter who's enrolled
at the Drew Barrymore School Of Montessori has
something she'd like to say. Go ahead, honey.
Kaleen Kirby: With this school on my record, I'll never
make it into Brigham Young, now.
Carol Kirby: See? What do you think of that? Pushed away
from great academic learning centres like
Brigham Young because she attended a party
preschool.
Kaleen Kirby: [pulls on mom's sweater] Wait, Mom, I'm not
finished.
Carol Kirby: What is it, Kaleen?
Kaleen Kirby: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!

[opening credits roll]

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Replies:

  • Next Host (for those who didn't tune in) -- CCS, 04:14:03 02/20/05 Sun
  • Jack Johnson - never heard of him but I've heard of him (NT) -- that doesn't make sense, but it's true - I promise, 10:31:54 02/20/05 Sun
  • Re: Next Host (for those who didn't tune in) -- Ken Hidaka, 14:55:07 02/24/05 Thu
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