Take A Seat -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 20:18:51 05/12/05 Thu
Author: Dignard
Subject: Take A Seat
In reply to: Dignard 's message, "Possible E-mail Problem" on 20:17:09 05/12/05 Thu

Take A Seat

Robert Gordon...Will Ferrell
Catherine(voice)...Rachel Dratch
Harvey Lambert...Chris Parnell
Dr. Feinburg...Fred Armisen
Mr. Stone...Finesse Mitchell

(takes place in a small room, Mr. Gordon's office, he is sitting behind a desk)

Robert Gordon: Catherine, can you send in that new applicant for our sales department?

Catherine(voice): Yes, Mr. Gordon. He's waiting right out here.

Robert Gordon: Thank you.

(Harvey Lambert enters and they both shake hands)

Robert Gordon: Nice to meet you, Mr. Lambert. I'm the head of the sales department
here, and am looking for some new applicants for here.

Harvey Lambert: Well, Mr. Gordon, I would love to be a part of this firm.

Robert Gordon: Okay, great. Take a seat.

Harvey Lambert: Uh, I'm fine.

Robert Gordon: You sure?

Harvey Lambert: Yeah.

Robert Gordon: Okay, I'm looking at your application, and notice that you have graduated
from DeVry Academy in Long Beach, California.

Harvey Lambert: Oh, yes. An excellent business program.

Robert Gordon: I have a few clients that have graduated from California. A beautiful part
of the country. Big city.

Harvey Lambert: Yep.

(long pause)

Robert Gordon: Are you sure you don't want to sit down?

Harvey Lambert: I'm sure.

Robert Gordon: You can if you want.

Harvey Lambert: Positive.

Robert Gordon: Alright. Now, it says here that you have taught for several colleges in the
New York area about sales positions in their respectable business courses.

Harvey Lambert: That's right, Mr. Gordon. I find it is crucial in our future to have a
majority in percentage of college graduates to have degrees in business courses. The years
to come will need it in my opinion.

Robert Gordon: I think that is a great thought. As for your qualifications, you have...I'm
sorry. But you can take a seat if you want to. It's really no trouble.

Harvey Lambert: Oh, no. But thanks. Can we go on with the interview?

Robert Gordon: I just don't understand why you won't sit. There's a chair right in front of
my desk.

Harvey Lambert: I'd rather stand if that's alright.

Robert Gordon: Fine. I just find it strange that an applicant doesn't sit down when there is
a chair available. The interview could go on for hours.

Harvey Lambert: I'm perfectly capable of standing for a given amount of time.

Robert Gordon: Okay, my mistake. The interview. Um, it says here that...(glances at
Lambert)...excuse me for a moment.

Harvey Lambert: Sure.

(Gordon gets up and goes to the door)

Robert Gordon: You can sit down while I'm gone.

Harvey Lambert: I'll be fine.

Robert Gordon: (aggravated) Okay.

(Gordon exits and the door is closed, while secretary and Gordon talk, camera goes on
expressionless Lambert, who seems not to hear what's going on)

Robert Gordon (voice): (screaming) WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GUY'S PROBLEM!
IS HE INSANE?! HE WON'T SIT DOWN! WHAT KIND OF MORON DOESN'T SIT
DOWN?!!! IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!

Catherine (voice): Please, Mr. Gordon. Calm down. He'll hear you.

Robert Gordon (voice): I DON'T CARE IF HE HEARS ME! THIS IS F'N
RIDICULOUS!!!! I'M GONNA SNAP!

Catherine (voice): Mr. Gordon, remember what you're doctor said? You need to calm
down, or that vein in your forehead will burst. Please, take it easy. I know you can do this.

Robert Gordon (voice): (calming down, but still loud) Me seeing a doctor! I could've been
a doctor. THIS GUY NEEDS A DOCTOR!!!! HARVEY LAMBERT!!!!!!!!

(Gordon enters with smile on his face and calm voice)

Robert Gordon: Hi. Sorry about the wait. I just had to blow my nose.

Harvey Lambert: No problem.

Robert Gordon: But before we go on with the conversation, I would just like to ask you
one more time. Why won't you take a seat?

Harvey Lambert: (frustrated) I just don't want to.

Robert Gordon: Okay, just making sure. Tell me, did you sit in the waiting room?

Harvey Lambert: What does it matter?

Robert Gordon: Just tell me.

Harvey Lambert: Yes.

Robert Gordon: You sat in the waiting room. But not in here.

Harvey Lambert: Yes.

Robert Gordon: (showing anger in his face) Uh-huh!

Harvey Lambert: Look, can you just look over my apllication?

Robert Gordon: Hey, that's what we're here for right? We're trying to find a new person
for our sales position. Now, it says here that you were a professor at...(pauses)...look just
sit down!

Harvey Lambert: (angry) NOOOO!

Robert Gordon: Why not?!!

Harvey Lambert: I don't want to sit!

Robert Gordon: There's a soft chair, here. Who is going to pass up a soft chair? This is
crazy. Just sit down.

Harvey Lambert: No.

Robert Gordon: You sit down!!!!

Harvey Lambert: No!!!!

Robert Gordon: Look, what the hell are we doing?! This is ridiculous. We are
professionals. We should be acting like civilized men, and not like children.

Harvey Lambert: You're right, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

Robert Gordon: I'm sorry I yelled, too. I don't know what got into me.

Harvey Lambert: Me either.

Robert Gordon: Okay, why don't you just have a seat and we can continue with the
interview.

Harvey Lambert: I would not like to sit.

Robert Gordon: YOU SHUT UP!!!!

Harvey Lambert: No.

Robert Gordon: YOU SHUT THAT F'N MOUTH OF YOURS!!!!! YOU SHUT IT!!!!
YOU SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW, OR I'LL KILL YOU WITH THAT CHAIR!!! YOU
HEAR ME?!!!!

Harvey Lambert: I'm outta here.

(Lambert leaves, and Gordon flings chair at door)

Robert Gordon: NOBODY PASSES UP A SOFT CHAIR IN MY OFFICE!!!!
NOBODY!!!!!

(caption on black screen shows "Ten years later...")

(shows Gordon in doctor's suit in hospital room with other doctor)

Robert Gordon: It took me about ten years, but I'll finally got my doctor's license. You
have no idea how much I hated being in that cramped office building. And the people I
had to deal with? Oh, man. It just goes to show you that I'm not as crazy as people say I
am. There are others worse than me.

Dr. Feinburg: Well, I'm glad you're happy again. Being a doctor can be one of the most
fulfilling tasks in human society.

Robert Gordon: Yeah, you're right.

Dr. Feinburg: See you later. Here's your first client, Mr. Stone. Good luck.

Robert Gordon: Thanks, man.

(as Feinburg exits, Mr. Stone enters on crutches)

Robert Gordon: Hello, Mr. Stone. I'm Dr. Gordon. How are you doing today?

Mr. Stone: Not so good. I broke my hip a couple hours ago playing basketball.

Robert Gordon: Wow, that doesn't sound too good.

Mr. Stone: No, not really.

Robert Gordon: Well, why don't you take a seat, and we'll check it out.

Mr. Stone: I actually can't sit down. I have a broken hip.

Robert Gordon: That's fine. I'll just check your results here. And while I look at them, you
can sit down on that bench right there.

Mr. Stone: I told you I can't. I think it's impossible to sit with a broken hip.

Robert Gordon: Just sit down!

Mr. Stone: I can lean against it.

Robert Gordon: SIT DOWN!!!!

Mr. Stone: No.

Robert Gordon: YOU SIT!!!!

(Gordon approaches Stone with a look of anger as sketch ends)

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