Re: Sketch question -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 16:53:54 05/15/05 Sun
Author: Brian Dean
Subject: Re: Sketch question
In reply to: Brian 's message, "Sketch question" on 20:09:26 05/09/05 Mon

As requested here is my sketch. I hope it is used on the website on Saturday.

Women�s Synchronized Snoring

Announcer (V/O)�Seth Meyers
Tony Simmons�Chris Parnell
Mike Rogers�Will Forte
Amy Smith...Lindsay Lohan
Katie Johnson�Amy Poehler
Maria Rodriguez�Maya Rudolph
Betty Finch �Rachel Dratch
Jenny Cabot�Tina Fey
Lisa Richards�Ana Gasteyer
Donna Jo Hayden�Gwyneth Paltrow
Four girls

Announcer (V/O): You are watching ESPN2 where no sport is too weird or obscure.

(Cut to graphic saying �Women�s Synchronized Snoring�, fading in to the announcers)

Tony Simmons: Welcome back to the exciting world of women�s synchronized snoring. I�m your host Tony Simmons along with my co-host Mike Rogers and Mike it�s been quite a competition so far.

Mike Rogers: That�s right Tony, before the commercial break we saw the Chinese team in action and everyone knows they are among the best in the sport.

Tony: But now it�s time for the hometown favorites, the American team. Here they come now.

(Seven women dressed in American bikinis come out to energetic music. They run down an aisle where there is a large bed)

Amy (to crowd): Hey everyone how are you doing?

(Crowd wildly cheers)

Amy: Well the girls and I are ready to give you our best synchronized snoring. Right girls?

Other teammates: Yeah!

Amy: Okay let�s do it.

(The seven women pile onto the bed and close their eyes)

Tony: (Quietly) It looks the American team is ready to get started.

(The seven women fall asleep and being snoring in unison. They move their bodies at the same time as well)

Mike: They seem to be really energetic today Tony. The American team is among the most popular teams in synchronized snoring.

Tony: And they�ve recently added some a new member, Amy Smith. Amy is considered to be a prodigy. Team captain Lisa Richards has let her introduce new routines to the set. Including the Three Stooges move.

Mike: You know Tony; most people don�t appreciate how difficult this sport is.

Tony: That�s right Mike synchronized snoring takes precision timing. Take a look at this move set.

(The American team scratches their stomachs in unison snoring at a higher pitch. They then whistle in their sleep sleeping on the right sides of their bodies and then switching to their left sides. Afterwards, they shift their bodies to sleep on their stomachs)

Tony: Simply phenomenal. Let�s take this time to take a closer look at the team.

(Cut to a split screen. On one side of the screen they show the live shot of each member sleeping. On the other side is a taped interview of the respective woman sleeping)

Amy: Hi, my name�s Amy Smith. I�m 18 and I�m the newest member of the team. I�ve always wanted to be a champion snorer since I was a little girl. It would be my biggest dream come true if we win. Go team!

Katie: I�m Katie Johnson. People have always said I�m a little too aggressive. That�s probably why I�ve been kicked out of every sport I tried. (To the cameraman) Hey are you eyeballing me. You want a piece of me? (Starts to attack the cameraman)

Maria: Hola, me llamo es Maria Rodriguez. I come from Mexico to join team because I am great at taking the siesta. (Yelling) Ay yi yi yi go team.

Betty: I�m Betty Finch (yawns) and I joined the Synchronized Snoring team because I have narcolepsy. It�s the only sport I can do without injuring myself. (Suddenly falls asleep.)

Jenny: (Cheerily) Jenny Cabot is my name and unlike the other girls I�m happily married and I�m expecting my first baby this fall. This will probably be my last chance to win before my baby is born. (Suddenly serious) So we better win or else. (Glares at the camera)

Lisa: I�m Lisa Richards. I�m team captain and also the coach of the women�s snoring team. I�ve heard some people say that synchronized snoring isn�t a real sport. Well to those naysayers I say in a day and age where people playing poker is a sport, who can say sleeping can�t be a sport? (Angrily) Huh, can you tell me that?

Donna Jo: Hi ya�ll. I�m Donna Jo Hayden. I�m from Mobile, Alabama and I�m happier than a hog in the slop to be a part of the team.

(Cut back to the competition)

Tony: Uh oh, Mike looks like things are heating up quickly.

Mike: Yes the team is about to do the Three Stooge move. So far it has unused in actual competition, but here it comes.
(The seven women begin a routine that has Amy and Katie snore first like Moe, then
Maria, Betty, and Jenny snore like Larry and Lisa and Donna Jo finally snore like Curly. They first snore by group and then at the same time. The music end and the crowd applauses while the women remain asleep)

Tony: That was a tremendous routine. The Americans really pumped up the crowd and impressed the judges.

Mike: Yeah Tony, but they have some steep competition. This year�s contest has synchronized snoring teams from all over the world including:

England (cut to Lindsay, Amy, Maya, Rachel, Tina, Ana, and Gwyneth snoring while wearing British bikinis revealing crooked teeth)

The plucky underdogs of Jamaica (Seven African-American women in Jamaican bikinis asleep)

France (Lindsay, Amy, Maya, Rachel, Tina, Ana, and Gwyneth once again this time wearing only French bikini bottoms and holding their hands over their breasts. Armpit hair is visible while the women snore the French anthem)

And of course the dreaded team of China (Seven Asian women in bikinis snoring in short, precise tones like robots). It�s said the Chinese team trains by sleeping 23 hours a day. There are also rumors that they also take illegal enhancement drugs. For this sport that�s Nyquil and According to Jim reruns. By all accounts, the Chinese are the odds on favorites to win by the bookies.

Tony: (quietly to Mike) People actually bet money on this crap? For God�s sake.

Mike: (quietly to Tony) Tony shut up we�re back on the air.

Tony: (suddenly excited) Okay it looks the judges have picked the winner.

(Cut to a podium where the Announcer comes with the verdict.)

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the judges have made their decision. The winner of the 2005 Women�s Synchronized Snoring is: The United States!

(The crowd erupts in applause and the American team wake up and rushes to the podium.)

Amy: We did it! We won! Woo Hoo! Omigod this is so awesome!

Katie: We won! We won! We rule and they suck. Finally a sport I haven�t been kicked out of. Eat it soccer! Eat it with a spoon.

Maria: Si, Si. Es muy bueno.

Betty: (Yawning) Yeah I�m real excited. I think I�m going to practice a little (Falls asleep on the Announcer�s shoulder making him nervous)

Jenny: (Patting to her belly) This is for my baby. (To her belly) Mommy�s not a loser.

Lisa: I knew we could do it. Eat it Torre. We�re winners and you�re not.

Donna Jo: Shut my mouth and count the sheep. It feels great to be a winner.

Announcer: Congratulations ladies you are champions. Amy, you must really be excited being a rookie and all.

Amy: I am excited. But this win isn�t just for us. I want to thank all the fans and be a role model to all the future synchronized snorers. Like these girls (Four pre-teen girls come up to the podium)

Amy: (To the girls) Do you girls want to be on the synchronized snoring team when you grow up?

Girl 1: You bet Amy. My friends and me are already in training. (To the other girls) Let�s show them what we can do girls. (The four girls fall asleep standing up and snore in unison.)

Announcer: Well ladies, it looks like you have some serious competition.

Katie: No way! I�m not losing my spot to a bunch of brats. (Head butts the Announcer, waking up Betty) Come on girls we can sleep standing up too. (The team falls asleep standing up as well, snoring in unity)

Announcer: (Rises up weakly) Well that�s all the time have for Women�s Synchronized Snoring. Coming up next on ESPN2 is Celebrity Thumb Wrestling.

(Fade out)

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