Re: SKETCHES & WEEKEND UPDATE MATERIAL -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, [5], 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 02:27:25 08/06/05 Sat
Author: Jason Dignard
Subject: Re: SKETCHES & WEEKEND UPDATE MATERIAL
In reply to: Jason Dignard 's message, "SKETCHES & WEEKEND UPDATE MATERIAL" on 02:24:58 08/06/05 Sat

Minstrel Show

Jesse Jackson...Darrell Hammond
Al Sharpton...Kenan Thompson
Black Guy...Morgan Freeman
George...Fred Armisen
Kevin...Seth Meyers
Brian...Will Forte

(closeup of sign that says �Minstrel Show 4pm Every Day� on outside of tent)

(newspaper spinning saying, �African-Americans Speak Out Against Minstrel Show�)

(showing Jackson, Sharpton, and black man sitting behind table with microphones talking
to reporters)

Jesse Jackson: (with name on-screen) A national outrage has come upon us today. When
in this day in age, such a travesty is not frowned upon among our political leaders, there is
a problem. Where blackface is a form of making fun of race, dancing and prancing and
glancing and chanting and ranting, the hippity-bippity smoky-joe fro-fro, we need a plan.
This cannot go on, and that is a fact.

Al Sharpton: (with name on-screen) Let�s face it; racism will always be around.We can all
agree on that. The fact of the matter is that this proposterous, promiscuous propaganda
will not stand. The black community will not tolerate, and we will not watch it happen.
These people are in for a fight; can I get an Amen?!!!

Black Guy: (with name on-screen saying A Black Guy) I really don�t know why I�m here.
These two fellows, who I truly respect, somewhat kidnapped me and forced me into
talking about the denigration of our race with a certain sign. I really don�t know at�s going
on, but I would truly like to find out.

Jesse Jackson: Yes.

Al Sharpton: Alright, then.

(Later that day at the Renaissance Fair)

George: We seem to have been getting a lot of hype lately as to bringing back such an
awful form of activity that seems to be banned. Anybody know what we did wrong?

Kevin: It appears that our sign for the minstrel show has angered several famous, well,
kind-of famous politicians. Well, not really politicians, as they are disgruntled Americans.
In any event, we need to change the sign.

Brian: What should we change, George?

George: Well, the time we can�t change, and the every day part is crucial and accurate.

Kevin: Minstrel show. Do you think that�s it?

George: I don�t know why. Why would anybody be angry about foppishly agile medieval
entertainers dancing, singing, and reading poetry? That can�t be the problem. Perhaps our
sign needs embellishment.

Brian: Like?

Kevin: I�ve got just the solution.

(Caption: NEXT DAY)

(Sign reads: �Minstrel Show 4pm Every Day-Laugh, Cry, Sing-Along With The Low
Class Enthusiasts)

(Spinning paper reads: �Panel To Address Reporters Again Today�)

(back to panel)

Jesse Jackson: Any respectable human beings these people are not. We can find ways for
them to allow this, but we musn�t. Call out your friends, your neighbors, your
fellow-countrymen. We need a force, bring out your horse, and we will defeat them, of
course.

Al Sharpton: This is an outrage. A travesty of American experimentation brought back to
destroy any comfort the black community has tried so desperately to retain since Jim Crow
Laws. We need to defeat this whiteys portraying themselves as ourselves in a ridiculous,
rampageous ruckus. We will not let this stand.

Black Guy: Again, I don�t think you understand the seriousness of my dilemma. On the
one hand, these anarchists of oration have taken their faith and bestowed upon me to tell
you. On the other hand, when you reporters leave, they make sure I don�t run away and
lock me in their van. I�m sure this problematic show has its reasons, and probably is not
what you think. You may also think that they are listening to every word I say, but this is
not the case. Help me. Help me, please!

Jesse Jackson: Brother, brother.

Al Sharpton: Damn right.

(Later That Day, Renaissance Fair)

George: Once again, we are having problems with the sign. Such a complex situation is
not what I had in mind for this renaissance fair. What needs to be changed, Kevin?

Kevin: I thought the explanation would help, since minstrels are fun-loving lessers who
loved to sing. I don�t know what went wrong.

Brian: I have another theory. Perhaps a treat for the viewers would not be a bad idea.

George: That�s a good idea, Brian. Let�s try it.

(Caption: NEXT DAY)

(Sign now says, �Minstrel Show 4pm Every Day-Free Watermelon)

(Spinning paper reads, �Panel Meets Again With Free Press�)

(Another spinning paper reads, �Spinning Newspaper Injures Three�)

(Back to panel)

Al Sharpton: How far will this go?? I have decided to take Jesse�s time to talk, to give you
my uproarious complaint. Must our race face a different torturous manner every day of
our lives. These demons are ruining what little sense of pride we have for this country.
Trust me and my friends here tonight, there will be no more talk. We will walk the walk.
Hallelujah, dammit.

Jesse Jackson: Rat-a-tat-tat. Humminny-scrumminy, bipple-sipple-ripple-koffifle!
Drambooie.

Black Guy: Apparently you didn�t listen to my reply for help yesterday. They have stopped
serving me food, and have begun to turn me into their suits model. This is no way to live,
and since they can�t understand me over their giant egos....(cut to them looking at each
other and checking each other out)...I would hope that you pay attention to a man in need
of a hand.

(Later That Day, Renaissance Fair)

George: We are in a lot of trouble. What should we do?

Kevin: We�ve tried everything.

Brian: Maybe it�s the words �Minstrel Show.� Could that be the problem?

Kevin: What did they call that in the 20s and 30s when people dressed up in blackface and
tried to impersonate African Americans exaggeratedly?

Brian: I believe they called that jazz. Or maybe The Jazz Singer. I don�t know.

George: I didn�t want to do this. But, I�m afraid we have no choice but to add a rave
review to the sign to make it more visual to our fans.

Kevin: That should do the trick.

Brian: Let�s use that review from the Kentucky Knights Of Columbus.

(Caption: NEXT DAY)

(Sign reads, �Minstrel Show 4pm Every Day
�Wonderful Show That Blew Our Shoes Off�-KKK�)

(Spinning newspaper reads, �Renaissance Fair Destroyed By Vigilantes�

(Another spinning newspaper reads, �Renaissance Fair Organizers Arrested�)

(Headline Underneath reads, �Fair Committee Claims Accident Occured Because C�s
Didn�t Work On Typewriter�)

(fade)

--------------------------------------------

Let It Out

Mr. Bundy...Fred Armisen
Mr. Harper...Chris Parnell
Mrs. Harper...Maya Rudolph
Stanley...Rob Riggle
Karen...Amy Poehler
Willis...Will Forte
Stephen...Horatio Sanz
Julia...Rachel Dratch
Peter...Seth Meyers
Greg...Jason Sudeikis

(takes place after a eulogy and family and friends are up from chairs hugging and talking
before they go to see the matriarch of the Harper Family)

Mr. Bundy: Well, Mr. & Mrs. Harper, I hope everything went well. The toughest part is
pretty much over. Now, you can greet your dear departed mother.

Mr. Harper: Mr. Bundy, thank you. It was a simply wonderful eulogy. We can�t thank you
enough.

Mrs. Harper: I was wondering who that man is over there.

(cut to large man standing next to casket as if a bouncer of some sort)

Mr. Bundy: Oh, that�s my brother Stanley. He runs the funeral home with me.

Mr. Harper: What�s he doing standing over there?

Mr. Bundy: You�ll see.

(family members line up to say last goodbyes to matriarch)

Karen: Momma, I can�t believe you�re gone. It�s me, Karen. I just can�t believe it. It�s not
possible.

Stanley: It�s okay. Let it out. Let it all out. Breathe.

Karen: I know. I know. It�s just....I loved her so much (sobs)

Stanley: Come on, come on. There, it�s alright. Just let it all out. I�m here for you.

Karen: You are a wonderful man.

Stanley: It�s my job. It�s alright. Nothing wrong with crying at a funeral.

(exits, next approaches)

Willis: Mom, oh mom, it�s Willis. Why did you die? It�s just, you were so healthy.

Stanley: It�s okay to cry, you know.

Willis: Back off. I�m trying to talk to my mother here.

Stanley: Just cry and you�ll feel better. It�s okay to cry.

Willis: Just shut up. Shut up.

Stanley: It�s okay to be angry; just let it out. Come on.

Willis: Shut up. (shoves Stanley and then punches him in the face; Stanley shows no pain
or reaction)

Stanley: It�s okay.

Willis: Oh my God. I�m so sorry. I just....I mean...I....

Stanley: I�m here to take all of your pain. Grief is necessary at our funeral. Now, just cry
on my shoulder.

Willis: I....I...(sobs heavily)....Oh God, why did she die? (falls into Stanley�s arms) Why?
Why? Why?

Stanley: There, there. It�s fine. You�re doing fine. Cry on my shirt.

Willis: You are a loving and caring man. Thank you so much.

Stanley: That�s what I�m here for.

(leaves, family of five enters)

Stephen: Hello, there.

Stanley: Hello. How are you holding up?

Stephen: Okay. It was my wife�s mother.

Julia: Mom, it�s me Julia. I�m here with Stephen and the kids. Oh, mom, I love you so
much. I love you.

Stanley: Uh-huh. Let it out. Come on now. Tears are what we like to see here.

(kids start bawling and leap on top of Stanley, one on his back one on his side, and the
third one on his leg)

Stephen: Hey, kids get off.

Stanley: Lots of people are angry at funerals. They need to let any and every emotion they
can.

Stephen: But, they�re biting you.

Stanley: It�s part of the job. I�m here for you.

Julia: Oh, Mom. (bawls and kicks Stanley in the ground, no reaction)

Stanley: Uh-huh. Give me what you�ve got.

Julia: AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(Julia grabs a chair and breaks it over his face, while the kids continue to pounce on him)

Stanley: Nothing wrong with anger. Let it just ooze out of your body.

Julia: Oh my God. Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

Stephen: You are truly a wonderful man. I salute you.

(family exits, and still Stanley shows no emotion or physical pain; next person approaches)

Peter: Peter, here. Mom, I know we got in an argument before I left to go to California. I
know you hated me boxing, but it was the only thing I could do very well. I�ll never
forgive myself for yelling at you. Never.

Stanley: Now, everything�s alright. She loved you.

Peter: Oh, no. I killed her!!!! I killed her!!! (begins crying)

Stanley: No, you didn�t. She loved you and she didn�t want to see you get hurt.

Peter: No! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

(Peter punches Stanley right in the face)

Peter: Oh, geez. Oh, no. What have I done?

Stanley: It�s quite alright. It comes with the territory.

Peter: It felt good. Oh, Mom. I failed you. I�m a nobody.

Stanley: That�s not true and you know it.

Peter: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

(Peter punches Stanley approximately twenty times in the face, still no reaction from big
man)

Stanley: Now, do you feel better?

Peter: Oh, yes. Very much. I can never repay you. Thanks so much.

(exits, next family member enters in baseball uniform and with mitt and bat)

Greg: Mom, it�s me, Greg. I�m wearing that baseball uniform that I wore the day you
died. It won�t be the same without you. (begins to leave)

Stanley: Wait, what are you doing?

Greg: I�m going to talk to my family, what....

Stanley: You have to let out your anger. Your mother is dead. Let it out.

Greg: I did. I guess I�m just not the crying type.

Stanley: Did she like you playing baseball?

Greg: She loved baseball.

Stanley: Did she yell at you before she died?

Greg: Nope. I kissed her goodbye before I went to school and told her I loved her.

(Stanley obviously frustrated)

Stanley: Have you failed her in any way?

Greg: Nope.

Stanley: Bad grades?

Greg: No, sir.

Stanley: Never cleaned your room?

Greg: Always spotless.

(Stanley thinking of something)

Stanley: Ah! What did you get her for her birthday?

Greg: I didn�t get her anything. I....uh...I had my brother get it....um...

Stanley: It�s alright. She didn�t know.

Greg: I�m....I�m so ashamed. I....I....

(takes baseball bat and begins cracking him over the head with it, over and over)

Stanley: Just let it out. Give me all your pain. (still no pain of any kind)

(later that night, just Stanley and his brother)

Mr. Bundy: Wooo. What a day. It�s sad to see that big of a family lose a precious member
of the clan.

(cut to Stanley who stills shows no pain, but face is covered in stitches, blood, cuts,
scratches; ribs are taped up and leg has a cast on it; shirt and pants are torn)

Stanley: Yeah, who knew that the woman had twelve siblings, ten kids, and three dozen
grandchildren.

Mr. Bundy: How are you holding up, bro?

Stanley: Well, it got a little tough after meeting with the weightlifter brother, and then the
kickboxer daughter, and then her adopted child from Japan who always carried his
throwing stars; but all in all, a fine day.

Mr. Bundy: I love ya, buddy.

(two walk away and fade)

----------------------------------------

Help Is On The Way

Kelly Taylor...Rachel Dratch
Russell Weston...Morgan Freeman
Coworker...Seth Meyers

(showing a woman hanging on the ledge below a window and man is there above her at
the window)

Russell Weston: Help is on the way! Don�t worry. Stay calm.

Kelly Taylor: That�s easy for you to say. I�m hanging on by my fingers here.

Russell Weston: Just don�t panic. Help is on the way. Pay no attention below. It will just
scare you.

Kelly Taylor: Really, help is coming?

Russell Weston: They�ll be here shortly.

Kelly Taylor: Oh, thank God. Don�t leave me, please. Please.

Russell Weston: I won�t. I won�t. Now, what�s your name?

Kelly Taylor: Why do you need my name? Are you trying to find next of kin? Oh God.
Oh, no. I�m gonna die. I�m gonna die!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
(screams incredibly loud)

Russell Weston: Calm down. Please, don�t panic. Help is on the way. I was just making
conversation. You know, trying to keep you from.....panicking.

Kelly Taylor: Oh, yes. That�s right. I�m Kelly Taylor.

Russell Weston: Uh-huh. I�m Russell Weston. And where do you live?

Kelly Taylor: Where do I live? You want to know where I live, so you can find all of my
belongings to give to the coroner, and he police station, and to my lawyer, and to my
family, and to the funeral home! Oh God! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (screams at
the top of her lungs)

Russell Weston: No, no, no. It�s conversation. Please don�t panic. Help is on it�s way.

Kelly Taylor: Oh, yes. Yes, that�s right. I live downtown at Bushneck Lane.

Russell Weston: Can you tell me how this happened?

Kelly Taylor: To tell the police as to how I died?!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Russell Weston: For God�s sakes, woman. Control yourself. Panic will get you nowhere.
You need to stay calm.

Kelly Taylor: Okay, okay. I�m calm. I�m calm. Alright. (sighs) There, a deep breath. I was
trying to grab some important paper work that was by the window, and a sudden gust of
window startled me and I fell out.

Russell Weston: Alright. Everything�s fine now. Everything�s good. Keep your cool. Now,
do you know who I am?

Kelly Taylor: Uh, Russell Weston.

Russell Weston: Yes, that�s right.

Kelly Taylor: I remembered it. I�m bad with names.

Russell Weston: Do you know what I do, Kelly?

Kelly Taylor: I don�t think I�ve ever seen your face around here.

Russell Weston: I�m here to rob you.

(pause and look of confusion on face of Kelly)

Kelly Taylor: What?

Russell Weston: I�m here to rob you. It�s perfect, actually. You hanging on a ledge like
this. It�s superb.

Kelly Taylor: Omigod, omigod OMIGOD!!!!!!! No, no, no. Don�t kill me! PLEASE!!!!!!!!

Russell Weston: Please calm down. I�m not here to kill you. I�m here to rob you. Can you
hear down there, or what?

Kelly Taylor: Omigod!!!! I�m going to die out here.

Russell Weston: Once again, for the millionth time, help is on the way. I had no intention
of hurting you.

Kelly Taylor: Help is on the way?

Russell Weston: (frustrated) Yes!!!!!! Now, I lied about being a robber. I was trying to
show you that you should not panic. Did you see how shaky you were when you were
down there?

Kelly Taylor: You�re right. Whoooo! Thank you for being here. Thank you.

Russell Weston: Now, I�m going to keep on asking you questions. It doesn�t matter what
I ask you. It will help the time go by, when help does arrive, since THEY ARE ON
THEIR WAY! Got it?

Kelly Taylor: Yes?

Russell Weston: Now, can you tell me where your purse is?

Kelly Taylor: What?

Russell Weston: I�m jus keeping conversation. Just stay focused.

Kelly Taylor: Okay, it�s in Room 5G on my desk.

Russell Weston: Alright, alright. You�re doing fine. Now, can you tell me where all of
your friends or coworkers purses and/or wallets are?

Kelly Taylor: Everyone usually keeps their wallets in their desks.

Russell Weston: That�s fine. That�s just fine. You�re doing great.

Kelly Taylor: Oh, God. I�m slipping. (screams louder than ever before)

Russell Weston: Help is on the way! Help is on the way!

Kelly Taylor: Oh, yes.

Russell Weston: Now, is there a safe in the building anywhere?

Kelly Taylor: Yes, on the third floor in Accounting.

Russell Weston: That�s dynamite, Kelly, dynamite. You are doing an excellent job. Hang
in there.

(coworker enters room)

Coworker: Can I help you?

Russell Weston: Oh, I was just leaving. This crazy woman was screaming from the
window over there and I thought I would check it out.

Coworker: That�s Kelly. She�s a weird one at that. Where is she?

Russell Weston: She�s out on the ledge.

Coworker: But, this is the first floor.

Russell Weston: Hey, you got to humor those with clever imaginations.

Coworker: I hear that. I�ll go over and talk to her.

Russell Weston: She also said something about stealing everyone�s money and the
company�s earnings. That�s probably a lie, too.

(Russell exits and coworker approaches window; fade)

---------------------------------------------

WEEKEND UPDATE MATERIAL

The NCAA has banned the use of American Indian mascots by sports teams. This is
because of the recent complaints from the North Carolina-Pembroke Braves� mascot,
Chief Slow Onawakee. (photo shows crosseyed naked Native American with blur blocking
nether regions)

An allegedly mentally retarded death row inmate from Virginia was deemed competent to
face the death penalty. It is now known that his last meal will be yummy lollipops.

A man was sentenced Thursday to seven years in prison for sexually assualting a female
passenger who was asleep next to him on an airplane. The man�s defense was that
�someone on the wing of the plane told him to feel her up.�

Melissa Etheridge is returning to recording music and performing on a semi-regular basis.
It is also been rumored of a new book coming out about her struggles with her fight
against breast cancer. I bet I know what isn�t on her list of things to do: Men.

Robert Blake�s first wife said in her court deposition that he tried to have her killed after
they divorced. Blake answered back saying, �What are you bitching about? You�re not the
one I had killed!�

Investigators looking into the Air France jet that went off the runway and burst into flames
feel that the plane landed farther down the lane that it should have, but they still don�t
know the true cause of the incident. If you honestly want my opinion, I truly believe that it
was penguins. (picture of penguins on top of plane ripping it apart, flames coming out of
side of jet) Damn penguins!

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]