Re: Here goes nothing... The sketch! -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 21:56:23 01/18/05 Tue
Author: Chelsea Almany
Subject: Re: Here goes nothing... The sketch!
In reply to: Chelsea Almany 's message, "Here goes nothing..." on 21:51:21 01/18/05 Tue

(The words surrounded by *asterisks* are supposed to be bolded/emphasized.)

*****

Mr. Miller
The new substitute has trouble controlling his anger.

*****

Andy... Seth Meyers
Chris... Finesse Mitchell
Hannah... Maya Rudolph
Ashley... Amy Poehler
Principal... Paul Giamatti
Mr. Miller... Will Forte
Mr. Matthews... Darrell Hammond

(Ext -- A typical high school)
(Int -- Open on a math classroom. The students are milling about, waiting for their teacher.)

ANDY: ...and he said he only weighed 200 pounds, and I was like "Yeah, well, what about your other kneecap?"

(He and Chris laugh.)

CHRIS: Dude, I think I said the same thing to your mom last night. Ohh! You got served! (high-fives another student)

(Hannah leans over towards the boys.)

HANNAH: Hey, do you guys know where Mr. Matthews is?

ANDY: I don't know. I heard he had to go take his girlfriend to get an abortion.

CHRIS: I heard he was having a penis transplant.

ASHLEY: I heard he was going to see "Racing Stripes."

(The other three students show disgust.)

CHRIS: That's just sick!

(The principal enters.)

PRINCIPAL: Students, students, calm down. As most of you know, Mr. Matthews will not be here today, due to ... unforeseen circumstances.

(The students giggle.)

PRINCIPAL: (confused) Umm...yes, unforeseen, hilarious. Anyway, your substitute, Mr. Miller, will be in here soon. Now, you might be interested to know that Mr. Miller used to be a senator and once spoke at the Republican National Convention.

(Some of the students look interested.)

PRINCIPAL: (leaning out the door) Mr. Miller, come on in!

(Mr. Miller, better known as Zell Miller, walks in.)

MR. MILLER: (screaming) *Hello, students!*

(The principal exits with haste. Mr. Miller sits at the desk.)

MR. MILLER: Do any of you *know* what today's *lesson plan* is?

ASHLEY: (raises hand) Uh, I think we're supposed to be grading last night's homework.

MR. MILLER: *Homework*! (face gets progressively redder and redder) You know what *I* think of *homework*? When *I* was growing up, our *homework* was called *life!* We had to *build our own houses* out of *teabags* and *dog droppings!* We didn't *have* homework about *numbers*!

CHRIS: Yeah, it was just Roman numbers back then, right?

MR. MILLER: *Don't* backtalk *me!* (takes out answer sheet) *What's* the answer to number *two*?

HANNAH: Umm...five?

MR. MILLER: *Wrong*! It's a *true or false* question! Where I come from, if someone tried to pull off such a *stupid answer*, we'd *box their ears* and make 'em *squeal like a piggie!* You gonna *squeal* for me, woman? (wheezes in and out)

ANDY: Mr. Miller, you're turning scarlet.

MR. MILLER: What'd you say to me, *scum*?

ANDY: Never mind. Can we get back to our homework?

MR. MILLER: You *kids* don't know *anything* about the *real world*! You just *watch television* and make *homemade pornography*! When *I* wanted to have fun, we had to *get on horses* and *ride down this long road to Main Street* just to *shout insults at people with pockets!* Are you *listening?*

(He walks up to Hannah and Ashley, who are talking.)

MR. MILLER: Pay *attention,* you *harlot*! (slams fist down on their table)

HANNAH: How do you know my middle name?

MR. MILLER: That's not *important*! What is *important* is the *paycheck* I'm getting for this!

CHRIS: That's what your mom said to me last night.

MR. MILLER: Care to *repeat* that?

CHRIS: (kind of scared now) Y-You heard me.

MR. MILLER: My *mother* is a *saint*! You're *lucky* I don't *switch your testicles with your eyes,* you little *hooker*! *Now* what'd'ya wanna say to *meeee?*

CHRIS: I think you need medical help.

MR. MILLER: I wouldn't *need* medical help if this *school* wasn't *homosexual!* I walked *all the way* past the *metal detectors* and I still couldn't get my *M&Ms* anywhere, not even the *peanut* ones, not even in the *vending machines!* This heathen school doesn't sell *chocolate!* *Chocolate!*

(As he repeats the word "chocolate," various clips of stock footage are shown: birds flying out of trees, glass shattering, buildings falling over, etc.)

(Mr. Matthews, AKA Chris Matthews, enters, shaking his head.)

MR. MATTHEWS: My God, Miller. Last time I heard yelling that loud, I was staying in the hotel room next to Johns Kerry and Edwards.

MR. MILLER: Dammit, *Matthews*! You're always *interrupting me*!

CHRIS: Mr. Matthews, who is this guy?

MR. MATTHEWS: This is Zell Miller, a mentally diagnosed crazy person.

MR. MILLER: You never did *accept* my challenge to a *duel*, Matthews! *Remember*?!

MR. MATTHEWS: They made Ritalin for people like you.

MR. MILLER: You'll *regret* that, you *pantywaist!* If you strike me down I shall become more *powerful* than you can *possibly imagine!*

MR. MATTHEWS: You fell asleep watching Star Wars again, didn't you?

MR. MILLER: *Silence!*

MR. MATTHEWS: Get outta here, you nut job, or I'm gonna start yellin' even more.

(Mr. Miller rips the answer sheet in half and runs through the wall, leaving a Forte-sized hole. Mr. Matthews sighs and sits on his desk.)

ANDY: That guy was crazy.

MR. MATTHEWS: Yeah, sorry about that. By the way, don't see "Racing Stripes."

ASHLEY: It's okay, Mr. Matthews. At least we didn't have Mr. O'Reilly again.

(Hannah and Ashley shudder.)

(Fade out)

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Replies:

Re: Here goes nothing... The sketch! -- Hillary, 18:18:51 01/19/05 Wed
- it was JPIII (NT) -- ., 23:50:45 01/19/05 Wed
- Re: Here goes nothing... The sketch! -- Chelsea Almany, 07:26:57 01/20/05 Thu