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Date Posted: 17:09:51 02/02/05 Wed
Author: Chelsea Almany
Subject: Sorry about the delay, this computer is truly messed up ... here they are!
In reply to: Chelsea Almany 's message, "02/05 sketches" on 16:32:43 02/02/05 Wed

All You Don't Need is Love
Arrogant billionaires, annoying recurring characters, and rioting Democrats hamper Ryan's attempts to propose.

*****

Ryan ... Chris Parnell
Jessica ... Rachel Dratch
Howard Dean ... Rob Riggle
John Kerry ... Seth Meyers
Donald Trump ... Darrell Hammond
Melania Knauss ... Paris Hilton
Brad Pitt ... Will Forte

*****

<p>[Ext -- New York skyline]
<br><I>[Ryan and Jessica are sitting on the curb, talking. There's a light snow, soft music is playing in the background, he has his arm around her, it's very romantic... except for the conversation.]

<p><b>Jessica:</b> I'm going to ask my roommate if I can get a bird. And then I'm going to get a penguin.

<p><I>[They laugh.]

<p><b>Ryan:</b> You know, technically, a penguin is not a bird.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> What do you mean? A penguin's a bird. It has wings.

<p><b>Ryan:</B> So do certain feminine hygeine products, but you don't call them birds, do you?

<p><b>Jessica:</b> <i>[laughing]</i> Eew! You're so gross!

<p><i>[She playfully pushes him on the shoulder and continues giggling. While she's distracted, Ryan takes a deep breath and pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket. He scans over it for a few seconds, then tosses it on the ground and turns towards Jessica.]</I>

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Jessica?

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Yes?

<p><b>Ryan:</b> I have something I need to tell you. Now, I've never said this to anyone before, but I think you're the right person. I -- <I>[chickens out]</I> I ate lotion once.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Is that part of the Atkins diet?

<p><b>Ryan:</b> No, it's lotion.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> This sounds like a very interesting story. Does this have anything to do with the time you got that soda can stuck in your --

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Completely different story!

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Good.

<p><b>Ryan:</b> But that's not what I wanted to talk about here. We've been together, what, two, three years?

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Two years, four months, eighteen days and three hours. <i>[looks at her watch]</i> Oh, and one minute.

<p><b>Ryan:</b> That was an eerily accurate response, but whatever. I think that it's finally time that I asked you if --

<p><i>[Howard Dean runs behind them, carrying a torch and screaming like the maniac he is.]</i>

<p><b>Howard Dean:</b> I've got a torch! <b>Yeeeaaaaaaagh!</b>

<p><i>[A disapproving John Kerry enters and drags Dean by his collar.]</i>

<p><b>John Kerry:</b> You silly fool. How many times do I have to tell you, you need pitchforks <b>and</b> torches? Sometimes I think that you have never been a part of an angry mob before. You will never root and pillage successfully with that attitude.

<p><b>Howard Dean:</b> Sorry, boss.

<p><b>John Kerry:</b> Sorry will not suffice in the real world, maladroit! <i>[slaps him]</i>

<p><b>Howard Dean:</b> Quit callin' me names I don't understand!

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Would you please excuse us? We're kind of having a moment here.

<p><b>John Kerry:</b> Sorry about that, bud. What did you say your name was?

<p><b>Howard Dean:</b> He never said what his name was. He didn't introduce himself yet.

<p><b>John Kerry:</b> Shut up, boy!

<p><b>Howard Dean:</b> Sorry, boss.

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Well, my name's Ryan, and this is my girlfriend Jessica.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Hello, Mr. Kerry. I voted for you.

<p><b>John Kerry:</b> Hello, Brian, Melissa.

<p><b>Ryan:</b> No, it's --

<p><b>John Kerry:</b> Shut up! <i>[slaps Dean again]</i> We're on our way to a political convention.

<p><b>Howard Dean:</b> Republican convention. We're gonna start fires and break stuff and <b>all that! Whoooooooooo!</b>

<p><b>John Kerry:</b> Why don't you ever wear your shock collar? Come on.

<p><i>[Kerry drags Dean offscreen.]</i>

<p><b>Jessica:</b> That was weird. So, what were you saying, honey?

<p><b>Ryan:</b> I was trying to tell you that I love you.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Aww.

<p><b>Ryan:</b> And I was hoping that maybe, just maybe, you reciprocated those feelings?

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Huh? Do you have to use those SAT words around me, honey?

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Sorry.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> It's all right.

<p><b>Ryan:</b> So...um...do you feel the same way?

<p><b>Jessica:</b> About what?

<p><i>[Ryan buries his face in his hands.]</i>

<p><b>Jessica:</b> What did I do?

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Nothing at all. I just wanted to know if...if... <i>[reaches into his pocket]</i> If you ... if your mother would be interested in becoming my mother-in-law? <i>[to himself]</i> What?

<p><b>Jessica:</b> My thoughts exactly.

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Sorry, I'm just kind of nervous. I've never done this before.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Done what?

<p><b>Ryan:</b> I've never gone up to the girl I love and asked, "Will you -- "

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Is that Donald Trump?

<p><i>[Ryan realizes it's now or never and throws a velvet box at Jessica.]</i>

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Wanna get married? There, I did it!

<p><i>[Jessica opens the box and looks at it.]</i>

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Oh my gosh...

<p><i>[Donald Trump and his new wife enter.]</i>

<p><b>Jessica:</b> It <B>is</B> Donald Trump! I told you!

<p><b>Donald Trump:</b> Hello, strangers. I'd like you to meet Melania.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> She's a lovely woman.

<p><b>Donald Trump:</b> Not just any woman. My woman.

<p><b>Melania Knauss:</b> Say it to me, honey?

<p><b>Donald Trump:</b> Okay, but just this once. <i>[does "You're Fired" hand motion]</i> You're married.

<p><i>[She jumps and claps with glee.]</i>

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Hi, Mr. Trump!

<p><b>Donald Trump:</b> That's my name. I hope you saw my wedding. It was huge.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> No, but I read about it in the tabloids.

<p><b>Ryan:</b> <i>[still waiting for an answer]</i> Honey...

<p><b>Jessica:</b> What? I'm talking to Donald Trump here!

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Trump, please die.

<p><b>Donald Trump:</b> No can do. Anyway, it was a Trump-tastic affair. I had all of the women on The Apprentice, and tons of the hot chicks on Fear Factor, and even Paris Hilton.

<p><b>Melania Knauss:</b> Even though he knows I hate that skank.

<p><b>Donald Trump:</b> Mel, you got a great rack, but don't push it.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> It sounds like it was a beautiful wedding.

<p><b>Donald Trump:</b> Not just any wedding. My wedding.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> You already said that.

<p><b>Donald Trump:</b> That's because the writer of this sketch doesn't know how to do a Trump impression. <I>[turns to Melania]</I> All right, wife, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna go back to the hotel, I will remove my clothing, and we're going to chug Pepto-Bismol while you admire my beauty.

<p><b>Melania Knauss:</b> You got it!

<p><i>[They link arms and exit.]</i>

<p><b>Ryan:</b> So? What do you say?

<p><b>Jessica:</b> <i>[looking at the ring]</i> Well, I have to say -- wait. Is this cubic zirconia?

<p><b>Ryan:</b> 100% pure cubic zirconia!

<p><b>Jessica:</b> That's not a good thing.

<p><b>Ryan:</b> It's not?

<p><b>Jessica:</b> No, it's not.

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Damn.

<p><b>Jessica:</b> Oh well! You're no Brad Pitt, but you're the best I can do!

<p><b>Ryan:</b> Is that a yes?

<p><b>Jessica:</b> It is.

<p><i>[As she starts to put the ring on, Brad Pitt sneaks up behind her and taps her on the shoulder.]</i>

<p><b>Brad Pitt:</b> Hi, I'm world-famous heartthrob Brad Pitt. Wanna do the nasty in the back of my limo?

<p><b>Jessica:</b> You know it!

<p><i>[They exit, leaving Ryan sitting on the curb, looking dejected. As people always do after being turned down, he breaks into song.]</i>

<p><b>Ryan:</b> <i>[singing]
<br>I'm shaking with anger
<br>From my head down to my knees
<br>Jennifer Aniston's ex is truly
<br>Mesistopheles
<br>Brad Pitt is such a jerk
<br>He really is a phony
<br>Once again, he ended my quest
<br>For holy matrimony
<br>Tell me, what did I do
<br>To deserve this plight?
<br>Do I really have to go back
<br>To whackin' it every night?</i>

<p><i>[Dean and Kerry, now carrying both pitchforks and torches, enter, obviously drunk.]</i>

<p><b>Howard Dean/John Kerry:</b> <i>[singing]
<br>The raaain in Spaaain falls mainly on Spaaain!</i>

<p><i>[They fall over laughing as Ryan glares at them.]</i>

<p><b>Ryan:</b> That was <b>my</b> show-stopping musical number! <b>Mine!</b>

<p><i>[He starts punching and kicking them.]</i>

<p><i>[fade out]</i>




Irrational Domesticators
Fox swears they didn't take this idea from ABC. Honest!

*****

Announcer ... Chris Parnell
Husband #1 ... Darrell Hammond
Wife #1 ... Tina Fey
Wife #2 ... Rachel Dratch
Wife #3 ... Maya Rudolph
Husband #2 ... Finesse Mitchell
Castaway #1 ... Fred Armisen
Castaway #2 ... Will Forte

*****

<p><i>[Fox logo]</i>

<p><b>Announcer:</b> Okay, we'll admit it. We may have based a few of our shows on already-existing programs on ABC. But guess what? We finally thought of an idea <b>all by ourselves!</b>

<p><i>["Irrational Domesticators" logo]</i>

<p><b>Announcer:</b> Every Monday, you'll stay glued to your TV, seeing what these irrational domesticators will do next.

<p><i>[Husband #1 and Wife #1 are sitting in front of the television.]</i>

<p><b>Husband #1:</b> How are you feeling today, honey?

<p><b>Wife #1:</b> A little more irrational than normal, to tell you the truth.

<p><b>Husband #1:</b> What do you mean by that?

<p><i>[She hits him in the face with a toaster.]</i>

<p><b>Announcer:</b> TV Guide calls it "An even more dumbed-down version of the hit ABC program." But what do they know?

<p><i>[Wives #2 and #3 are sitting by the pool, wearing bikinis and high heels.]</i>

<p><b>Wife #2:</b> Boy, it sure is tough being a domesticator.

<p><b>Wife #3:</b> Yeah. Sometimes I just feel so...irrational.

<p><i>[Husband #2 approaches and puts his arm around Wife #3.]</i>

<p><b>Husband #2:</b> Hey honey, I've got a meeting tonight. Do you think you could take the kids to soccer practice?

<p><b>Wife #3:</b> Die, oppressor!

<p><i>[She pushes him into the pool. As they struggle offscreen, Wife #2 watches calmly and applies more sunscreen.]</i>

<p><b>Announcer:</b> The Washington Post described it as "Desperate Housewives without the intelligence, dialogue, or clothing." But Maxim? Well, they called it "the best show on TV." "Irrational Domesticators," premiering this Monday on Fox. Stay tuned for "Deserted!"

<p><i>[Shot of the two castaways sitting by a coconut tree.]</i>

<p><b>Castaway #1:</b> Boy, we sure are lost.

<p><b>Castaway #2:</b> You mean deserted, right?

<p><b>Castaway #1:</b> Uhh...yeah.

<p><i>[Fade out]</i>

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