Re: Excuses... -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 23:28:36 02/06/05 Sun
Author: Hillary
Subject: Re: Excuses...
In reply to: Hillary 's message, "Excuses..." on 23:25:38 02/06/05 Sun

Woman 1�..Rachel Dratch
Woman 2�..Tina Fey
��Paris Hilton
Woman 3�..Amy Poehler

(There is a line in front of the women's bathroom. A few extras will be needed, obviously. Or they could get the guys in drag. Women are chatting, tapping their feet, etc.)

Woman 1: Ugh, this line is so long. Do you think we'll get in before the show starts again?

Woman 2: I hope so, 'cause I can't hold it for another hour.

Woman 1: Why didn't you go to the bathroom before we left?

Woman 2: I was running late, obviously. Why didn't you?

Woman 1: I did.

Woman 2: Oh�I see.

Woman 1: Wait�what's that supposed to mean?

Woman 2: It's nothing, I can just�see your problem.

Woman 1: Hey, wait a minute. I'm only forty.

Woman 2: And getting older by the minute.

Woman 1: Thanks for the reminder.

(Paris walks past the line and into the restroom, to the indignation of all the ladies-in-waiting. They mutter and glare.)

Woman 2: Hey, what do you think you're doing?

Woman 1: Hey, calm down. Maybe she had a good reason.

Woman 2: A good reason to cut? Like what?

Woman 1: Well, maybe she just wanted to wash her hands. Or maybe she wanted to fix her makeup.

Woman 2: Could be, she certainly needs to, she looks like a streetwalker in that getup.

Woman 1: Or maybe she was going to throw up.

Woman 2: Ew.

Woman 1: (playfully malicious) Tossing her cookies. Doing the Technicolor yawn. Yodeling in the porcelain canyon. Reviewing today's menu�

Woman 2: Okay! I get it!

Woman 1: Well, if she were looking in the mirror she'd be out by now. But if she's upchucking, then she'll probably be awhile.

Woman 2: But if she was going to the bathroom, she should be out�right�about�now! (On cue, Paris walks out of the bathroom, as the women on line gasp and glare at her again.)You know what? I'm going to say something. Will you save my spot? (Woman 1 nods and Woman 2 takes off after Paris. When she catches up, the neverending line is still in the background.) Excuse me, miss? What do you think you're doing?

Paris: (playing dumb) What do you mean?

Woman 2: Um, you just cut the restroom line.

Paris: Oh. Yeah, that. Sorry about that, I was just, er�looking in the mirror.

Woman 2: No you weren't. I timed you, and that is not how long it takes for a woman to look in the mirror.

Paris: What? That's ridiculous, it's not like there's a worldwide standard for that.

Woman 2: Oh no, of course not. I'm working with the New York City standard.

Paris: �Oh. Well�I, uh, didn't feel so good.

Woman 2: Nuh uh, you weren't in there long enough for that.

Paris: Crap.

Woman 2: Just admit that you were cutting because you had to go really bad!

Paris: (insistent) But I wasn't! I didn't go!

Woman 2: Well then, what were you doing?

Paris: �I can't tell you.

Woman 2: (frustrated) What the hell do you mean?

Paris: It's top secret. (Woman stares.) Classified information. Confidential. Can't let the cat-

Woman 2: (interrupts) I get what you're saying, but it doesn't make any sense. What could you do in the bathroom for a minute that would be confidential?

Paris: Perform background checks on the people here. (realizes her slip) Oh no, now look what you made me do!

Woman 2: Oh my god. (a little too loudly) Are you working for the CIA?

Paris: (smugly)�Maybe. Do I need to have you "taken care of"?

Woman 2: (frightened) No! No, that will not be necessary, I don't know nothing!

Paris: (smirks) That's what I thought.

Woman 2: But�why would the CIA be here, at an awards show?

Paris: To check up on people, you know. Monitor their activities.

Woman 2: But that's ridiculous, these people are all celebrities.

Paris: Remember, that makes them people with a lot of money and power.

Woman 2: But you're a celebrity! You look familiar, I feel like I've seen you somewhere before�

Paris: (quickly) Yes, and what better person for this type of assignment? I'm right on the inside edge. I should go, though, before I tell you too much and have to�(makes the "slit your throat" gesture)

Woman 2: (gulps) But�I still don't understand why you're tailing celebrities.

Paris: Let's just say that even if the people are not aware, that the CIA knows about the international Jewish conspiracy, and the goyim are not going to stand for it any longer. (walks away quickly. The stunned woman goes back to her place in line.)

Woman 1: Well, what did she have to say for herself?

Woman 2: Oh�she just made excuses, and then blew me off.

Woman 1: What a bitch. Was that Paris Hilton?

Woman 2: Who's that?

Woman 1: Nobody, really, she's just a spoiled skank.

Woman 2: Hmm�something tells me there's a lot more to her on the inside than what may be on the surface.

Woman 1: (snickers) Yeah, maybe some air in her head.

Woman 3: Hey, you cut! Not fair.

Woman 1: No, she was here before.

Woman 2: I was here before, I just went to�

Woman 1: No excuses! Go to the end of the line! (Fadeout as they argue.)

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This is good. -- Jim Bevan, 13:41:25 02/07/05 Mon