WU commentary by Alan Keyes -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 12:27:05 09/01/04 Wed
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: WU commentary by Alan Keyes
In reply to: CCS 's message, "I hate that commercial too, good idea for the interruption" on 14:52:30 08/31/04 Tue

The big part of my update contribution. I hope you like it.

WEEKEND UPDATE COMMENTARY

...Tina Fey
Alan Keyes... Dave Chappelle

Tina Fey: Now, with a commentary regarding his campaign for the US Senate, here is former radio talk-show host and American representative to the United Nations, Alan Keyes. Good to have you with us, Dr. Keyes.

(A well-dressed Keyes comes onto the stage amidst great applause and takes a seat to the left of Tina)

Alan Keyes: Thank you, Tina, it's a pleasure to be here. Now, my campaign for the senate seat from Illinois has been highly criticized by my liberal opponent over the past few months. That is why I am taking the opportunity to present the truth about the smear tactics concocted by the Democrats to sully my good name, and show the people of Illinois that I will serve them in the Senate far better than my Satanic, baby-molesting, terrorist sympathizing rival could ever hope to.

First and foremost, I am appalled at how my opponent is labeling me as a carpetbagger simply because I'm officially a resident of Maryland rather than Illinois. They have called me a hypocrite because four years ago, I denounced Hillary Clinton for her Senate campaign in New York when she was not a resident of that state. Yes, I decried her immoral tactics, but I am not guilty of the same wrongdoing. You see, only Democrats can violate federalism by running for office in other states. Since I'm a registered republican, that mean that I am exempt from any illicit tactics and free from criticism...

Tina Fey (interrupting): Sorry to cut in, Dr. Keyes, but your logic seems rather flawed. How can you say that only liberals can be carpetbaggers?

Alan Keyes (sternly): Well, Tina, since the democrats already have so many positions that their party is exempt from, I thought it was long overdue that the GOP had some also. I think the audience is familiar with what I'm referring to. I mean damn, ya got those cows Ted Kennedy and Michael Moore saying that all Republicans are racist, they're the "champions of minorities", and they let a damn Klansman into the Senate under their party! (this last sentence is said with great anger, then he calms down.) I'm sorry, it just worries me that if I do get elected, I will have to work alongside the sheeted Senator Byrd. When he heard that I was running, infact, old Robbie sent me a little present. I have it here with me. (He holds up a rope tied in a noose).

Tina Fey: Ouch, that's nasty.

Alan Keyes: Yes, I know.I think you can see now that conservative double standards aren't as damaging as liberal hypocrisies. (muttering angrily) Damn punks callin' me an Uncle Tom, ya got Julian Bond and Jesse Jackson talkin' with Kerry's hand up their heinies, and nobody says they're sellin' out their race for politics. (calms down)

Now that I have that matter cleared up, I would like to speak about my opponent, Barak Obama. Now right off the bat you can see that he is totally unfit to represent the American people, what the hell kind of name is Barak? While I have a darker skin tone than Mr. Obama, I have a whiter name, which provides balance and demonstrates my commitment to the American people. And what exactly does Mr. Obama, which rhymes with our-greatest-enemy-Osama, stand up for? Well, he's a Democrat, so that should already tell you what he believes in: abortion, high taxes that reduce the middle class to poverty level, letting violent criminals run free in the streets, giving fruits the right to get married and pork as much as they want, cutting back on our defense programs and telling the terrorists "Drop your bombs here, we're all ready for them!"...

Tina Fey (interrupting again): Woah woah woah, Dr. Keyes, how can you say that about your opponent? Are those the actual tenets of the Barak Obama campaign.

Alan Keyes (condescendingly): Now Tina, I just said that he was a liberal, so what else would he believe in? I'm afraid my time is up, so let me close by saying that the people of Illinois deserve better than a militant socialist such as Barak Obama. They will be much better off under my militant fascist policies. Thank you all, and remember, if you're not a conservative African American, you're just a damn ni###r.

(Keyes walks off stage)

Tina Fey: Senatorial candidate Alan Keyes, ladies and gentlemen!

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Replies:

A late joke, but is it funny? -- Jim Bevan, 21:42:37 09/03/04 Fri