JP Diddy and the JP Diddy Dancers Present: BEST OF SUMMER 2004! -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 03:49:10 09/24/04 Fri
Author: J.P. Diddy
Subject: JP Diddy and the JP Diddy Dancers Present: BEST OF SUMMER 2004!
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "My picks for best of the summer season" on 19:57:13 09/08/04 Wed

Where did my wonderful formatting go!!!

Hope it's still easy to read...

Okay snyers, here's my list of the best ofs:

Cold Open:

Nightline - Patrick Lonergan - Scarlett Johansson
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[ cut to a smiling John Kerry holding John Edwards in his arms like a puppy. Edwards leans out as far as he can, looking around the room excitedly with his tongue panting in the breeze. ]

John Kerry: Good evening, Ted. As you can see, I picked second-place frontrunner Senator John Edwards as my running-mate. Isn't he cute? He's all mine now, and I can't wait to show him off at this year's Democratic National Convention in Boston!
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Special mention: Presidential Roast

Monolgue

Phillip Seymour Hoffman - CCS
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Carter: We were thinking, �Why don�t you star in Titanic?�

Philip: [ a beat ] That movie was already released.

Carter: Exactly!

Mo: Titanic was a huge hit�

Carter: �a phenomenon�

Mo: �a real Jurassic Park of its time�

Philip: Are you even allowed to use that as an expression yet?

Carter: Wake up and taste the sweet, sweet honey; with Titanic, you can�t lose!
-----

Special mention: Scarlett Johansson.

And the rest in alphabetical order:

Cancer - JEN - Scarlett Johansson
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Cory: I don't have cancer! I've already filed my insurance claims and quit my job, I was ready to down four bottles of pills a day, lose my hair and call it good while I sat on my leather couch playing Halo. I'm on a national team, I had to audition to be on it and if I'm working I can't play if I can't play I'll get kicked off! I need to be dying from cancer.
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Comments: I'm not a fan of the disease but the skit is hilairous.

Corporate Diva - Jonathon O'Beirne - Uma Thurman
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Husband: (cont'd) No martinis. Okay ... I can live with beer. But my wife really wanted a Pina Coloda.
(The bartender glares at the wife, reaches under the counter and retrieves a cherry. He sticks it into the mouth of the beer and then grabs a mini umbrella and jabs it into the cherry. )
-----

Comments: The visuals worked great.

Escort to Strange - III - Uma Thurman
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Man: No, I did not! I specifically told the person who answered the phone I wanted an Asian girl...dressed like a prostitute!

Escort: Well, I�m not Asian!

Man: I know...but I was willing to settle for whatever it is you are, except for the penis thing!
-----

Comments: It's happened to us all at one point or another...

Experiencing Nature - Hillary - Matt Leblanc
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Tracy: I stowed away in Jonas� backpack last night�I knew you guys were going �backpacking,� and I just couldn�t bear it anymore. For a YEAR I�ve been squishing my feelings back down into the�place where feelings come from�I can�t keep doing this! It�s just not healthy! Jonas, I am madly in love with you! (Very awkward silence as we see Jonas and Sophie�s shocked faces.)

Jonas: That was straightforward.

Sophie: Tracy, that�s very sweet. You�re a girl that cares�very deeply. I know you care a lot about Jonas, and I appreciate that. You�ll always have a place in his heart. Now that we�ve established that, could you please jump off a cliff? (We see a group of (puppet) chipmunks jumping around and squealing in a tone that seems to say, �Ouch! That�s gotta burn.�)
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Comments: Everybody loves animal puppets! Nice touch.

Gay Pirates - Wally J - Matt Leblanc
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Rainbow: Arh matey, that wouldn't be very wise now would it? I am Captain Rainbow-Beard of the pirate vessel, Fabulous.
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Comments: Needs reformatting but I luv this line and it's a good conept.

His Folks - Vincent G. - Uma Thurman
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Strange Man: Shut up! Shut up! Will you shut up!
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Comment: It's not only a skit but also a game. I could have used 2 bucks dammit...

Honesty - Jack Farrell - Dave Chapelle
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Announcer: John Brooks says that he has always been a fan of felines.

Announcer: KICKS THEM FOR THE FUN OF IT!

Announcer: John Brooks also insists that he would have absolutely nothing to do with the movie "Superbabies 2".

Announcer: SAW IT THREE TIMES!
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Comment: Heh. Cool campaing ad. This was your only non-opener type skit! I felt all your work was strong.

Hospital Clown - III - David Cross
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Clown: I just told you, sillyhead! (sauntering over to the hospital bed) Hey...who�s the lucky trooper? C�mon, son, wake up! I�m Bebop the Clown and I�ve got a thousand treats in my pocket just for you if you can get up and show me your silly face!

Mother: Oh, God! He�ll never wake up again!

Clown: Oh, fiddlesticks! Hey, watch this! (starts pulling a long, multicolored handkerchief out of his pocket, which he balls up) Catch! (throws it at the child�s lifeless body)
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Comment: Perfect character for David Cross. Nice.

How you doing? - MJR - Matt Leblanc
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Matt Le Blanc: How you doin�?

Vanilla Ice: I�m actually doing pretty well. I just cut an album with the dudes from �2 Live Crew� and MC Hammer produced the album.

Kennedy: That sounds really awesome. Like gag me with a spoon.

Vanilla Ice: What the hell?

Matt Le Blanc: How you doin�?
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Comments: Shades of Whoa! The Gameshow. I liked it.

Just like Home - CCS - Phillip Seymour Hoffman
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Greg: Are you telling me you grow cocaine in this room?

Francisco: No, I don�t do drugs and I�m not a dealer. They just remind me of home, so I keep them around. Just like someone else might have a tulip or rock garden, I have a coca garden.

Greg: I think I understand what you�re saying.

[ a small alarm goes off on Francisco�s desk ]

Francisco: Oh! That alarm reminds me that it�s time to feed the whore.

Greg: Wait a second, you have a whore in this room?

Francisco: [ retrieving bread and liquor from desk ] S�, Margarita. I lived next door to a whore house back in Colombia. There was another whore house by the soccer field. The school was next to two whore houses and housed another one in the basement.
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Comments: Heh. It was hilarious and visual. 'The school was next to two whore houses and housed another one in the basement.'...heh. Mmm whores.

Lawrence of the boardroom - Patrick Lonergan - David Cross
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Lawrence: Alright, alright, just let me try it once more - I know I can do it!

[ Lawrence steadies his hand, as he moves his fingertips toward the flame and touches it again. He screams yet again, and drops the lit match. ]

Lawrence: Holy mother fugger!! [ blows on his fingers ] I am gonna KILL that match!!

[ suddenly, the Boss enters, played by none other than Peter O'Toole ]

Boss: Good God, Lawrence! What the hell do you think you're doing? Don't you know that's real fire you're playing with?
-----

Comment: Very funny and the cameo really made it work. Nice.

Rhyme or Reason - CCS - Matt Leblanc
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Brad Ryme: My low prices on this classic bureau have another one of my competitors in a fuss. [ reads ] �Dear Mr. Ryme, I own Dockside Furnishings, and I have come to the conclusion that you are the anti-Christ. Your bureau prices are so low, there is no option left for me but to order your death. You better watch your ass, you bastard, cause my men are coming for you. They�ll shoot you so full of lead, that the doctors won�t be able to perform an X-ray at your autopsy. They�ll cut you into six different parts so that you can be easily stored in one of those fine bureaus you sell. I hope you have appreciated the time you�ve spent with your testicles, because they won�t be around much longer.� And it goes on and on like that for another five pages. Folks, furniture sales just don�t get better than this!
-----
Comments: It was one of those skits where I wasn't quite sure what was going on but I was laughing and that's the point. Nice.

Small Claims - JEN - David Cross
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(He hands a sign which he has next to him to the judge.)

Judge: Oh my, oh.. wow.

(She sets the sign down and takes a drink of water from a Dora the Explorer squeeze water bottle.)

Judge: That's a really terrible sign.

Harold: I have no fingers! I did the best I could.

Judge: Try your feet, try you nose, but this -- this is -- despicable.

Gary: No one should have to see that, it's like a fat man showing off his man boobs at a nudey beach; just put them the freak away.
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Comments: I would really like to see the Judge character again. Awesome character and great skit overall. Bring back the Judge! Sidenote: J-crew rules.

Talk Show in an Elevator with Otis Lift - Patrick Lonergan - Uma Thurman
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Otis Lift: Well, why don't you tell our audience what you do chew. Or, better yet, perhaps you could answer the age-old question: Spit or swallow?

Man #2: That question is both rude and vulgar - in that order, alphabetically.

Otis Lift: What, we're just talking about birds here.

Man #2: Boy, there is no such bird known as a spit.

Otis Lift: So your answer would have to be the swallow.
-----

Comments: Hilarious and it's just a great original concept. Perfect ending.

List with out the snippets:

Cancer - JEN - Scarlett Johansson
Corporate Diva - Jonathon O'Beirne - Uma Thurman
Escort to Strange - III - Uma Thurman
Experiencing Nature - Hillary - Matt LeBlanc
Just like Home - CCS - Phillip Seymour Hoffman
His Folks - Vincent G. - Uma Thurman
How you doing? - MJR - Matt Leblanc
Gay Pirates - Wally J - Matt Leblanc
Honesty - Jack Farrell - Dave Chappelle
Hospital Clown - III - David Cross
Lawrence of the boardroom - Patrick Lonergan - David Cross
Rhyme or Reason - CCS - Matt LeBlanc
Small Claims - JEN - David Cross
Talk Show in an Elevator with Otis Lift - Patrick Lonergan - Uma Thurman

I'd like to note that I felt that the Cold Opens and Monologue's were really awesome this summer.

2 weeks until the premiere!

peace out.

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Replies:

The long awaited picks from Mark Jennings Reese II -- because jennings said so!, 09:00:38 09/24/04 Fri

Mark, u ignorant slut... -- JP, 04:37:01 09/26/04 Sun

I am an ignorany slut...credit should go to JP, the third and not JP, the ragan (NT) -- jennings, 09:46:40 09/26/04 Sun