Re: New Sketch -- The First Presidential Debate -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 17:06:29 09/26/04 Sun
Author: jennings
Subject: Re: New Sketch -- The First Presidential Debate
In reply to: jennings 's message, "New Sketch -- The First Presidential Debate" on 17:04:22 09/26/04 Sun

�The First Presidential Debate�
Written by Mark Jennings Reese II

Jim Lehrer...Chris Parnell
President Bush...Will Forte
John Kerry...Seth Meyers
...Ralph Nader

(Fade in)

Announcer: Live from the University of Miami in Coral Gables, Florida, this is the first Presidential Debate. And now, your moderator, Jim Lehrer.

Jim Lehrer: Good evening. I'm Jim Lehrer. Welcome to this, the first of three debates between the current President of the United States, George W. Bush, Senator from Massachusetts, John Kerry and former Consumer Advocate Ralph Nader. First lets meet the candidates.

(Enter the 3 candidates via stage right; each candidate heads to their podiums)

(Bush gets confused where he is suppose to be)

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, your podium is in the middle. The one with the sippy cup fulled with apple juice.

President Bush: Thank you, Jim. Sorry, America�I haven�t done one of these debate things before.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, I know for a fact you participated in three of these debates 4 years ago, when you first ran for office.

President Bush: Damn! Another intelligence failure! I gotta go get this one investigated! I�ll be back!

(Bush starts to walk away from his podium)

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, you can�t leave. Please return to your podium.

President Bush: You�re a quick one, Jim!

Jim Lehrer: Fine. Let�s start the debate. Tonight�s first issue, Foreign Policy. Let�s start with you, Mr. Nader. How would you fix the situation in the nation of Iraq?

Ralph Nader: Jim, I think there are few things that we really need to look at, when discussing the situation�

(Bush cuts off Nader�s ramble)

President Bush: Jim, I�d like to correct you. Iraq is an economic policy. Thank you.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, it is not your time to talk, yet! And Iraq is definitely a foreign policy and not an economic policy.

President Bush: (Tries to make a �W� with his fingers, makes an �M� instead) WHATEVER!

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, I believe it goes like this. (Proceeds to make a �W� with his fingers)

President Bush: WHATEVER!

Jim Lehrer: Mr. Nader, sorry, please continue.

Ralph Nader: There are a few things we must put into perspective when discussing Iraq and one of those things is (dramatic pause) SEATBELTS SAVE LIVES!

Jim Lehrer: Thank you, Mr. Nader. Mr. President, how would you fix the situation in Iraq?

President Bush: Jim, I�d like to use one of my lifelines!

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, that is not possible in this debate�only on the millionaire show.

President Bush: (Turns to John Kerry) I like that show, Regis is like, �Is that your final answer?�

John Kerry: You are a poor excuse for a man.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, I�ll ask you again�how would you fix the situation in Iraq?

President Bush: Can I buy a vowel?

Jim Lehrer: No, Mr. President, wrong show.

President Bush: Fine, then I�ll take �Whoppi Goldberg� in the center square for the win!

Jim Lehrer: No, Mr. President, wrong show.

John Kerry: Jim, I�d like to answer the question.

President Bush: Damnit! I was going to solve the puzzle!
Jim Lehrer: Senator Kerry, please go ahead.

John Kerry: Now, fixing the situation in Iraq maybe very important and it is, but we as Americans cannot stand by and watch millions and millions of people go to bed without food�they go to bed not knowing that�that�that�I won 3 purple heart in the Vietnam War! And America, I cannot stress enough...I�m John Kerry and I want to be your President!

Jim Lehrer: (Shaking his head) Thank you, Senator Kerry. Let�s move on to our next issue. Our next issue this evening is the Hurricane destruction. Mr. Nader, if you were President, how would you assist the Southeastern states with the debris left over from the numerous hurricanes?

Ralph Nader: Jim, that�s an easy question�that can be answered with an easy answer. I�ve got one word for you...SEATBELTS!

Jim Lehrer: (looks at Nader awkwardly) Thank you, Mr. Nader. Mr. President, what are you planning on doing to help the Southeastern states with the hurricane destruction?

President Bush: Well...well...I have not yet figure what I am planning on doing...but I do know this...a hurricane, even a tropical storm is not an act of nature...it�s more like a �terrorist cell�. So, I�m planning on putting out a bounty on all meteorologists. They are the ones who are responsible for the hurricanes�and the tropical storms. Florida, Alabama...Mississippi...don�t blame me, don�t blame Mother Nature...put all the blame to the meteorologists and the terrorist. Terrorists are bad...and so are weathermen!

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, you are out of time. Mr. Kerry, if you were President, how would you assist the Southeastern states with the debris left over from the numerous hurricanes?

John Kerry: Well, Jim...when hurricanes come knocking, it�s important for the American people to take every precaution to avoid pain or hurt or to get stuck in a bad situation. Now, I am creating every precaution possible so America can crawl out of this bad situation�the bad situation I am referring to is�the fact that the moron in the middle is the President of The United States. So, Jim to answer your question, I am helping the cause by removing the current President. Thank you�I�m John Kerry!

Jim Lehrer: We know your name, Mr. Kerry. Thank you. It�s now time for each candidate to state why they should be President of the United States. Mr. Nader, please start.

Ralph Nader: I should be your president�because I know what saves lives�you know what the answer is...seatbelts!

Jim Lehrer: Thank you, Mr. Nader. Mr. President!

President Bush: I should be the president because�well�I never really thought about it much�but�I think I should be the president because simply�I am the President. You catch my drift?

Jim Lehrer: Thank you, Mr. President. Senator Kerry?

John Kerry: Thank you, Jim. America, I should be the President of the United States for many reasons. And one of them is, I�m John Kerry and I won 3 Purple Hearts! I�m John Kerry and I want to be your President!

Jim Lehrer: Thank you, Senator Kerry.

John Kerry: I�m not done, Jim! I�m John Kerry. I am the lesser of the two evils here. So�America, vote for me! Thank you.

Jim Lehrer: Thank you, Senator Kerry. Your time is up. This concludes tonight�s debate.

President Bush: So, Jim who won?

John Kerry: You are kidding right? No one is that stupid!

President Bush: You know what, John, if you were a candy; you would be a �dum-dum��because you�re dumb and you�re (pause) �dumb�.

Jim Lehrer: Thank you for watching. I�m Jim Lehrer and good night.

(Fade out)

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