Sketch for Latifah Show -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 07:13:59 10/08/04 Fri
Author: DRG4
Subject: Sketch for Latifah Show
In reply to: DRG4 's message, "Sketch for Latifah Show" on 07:12:45 10/08/04 Fri

Amazing Archaeological Discoveries?

Professor Wendy Thomas...Queen Latifah
Dr. Bob Alvarez...Chris Parnell
Student # 1...Seth Meyers
Student # 2...Rachel Dratch
Student # 3...Fred Armisen

[SCENE: An archaeology class. Professor Wendy Thomas is addressing the students.]

Professor Wendy Thomas: Okay, class, settle down. Dr. Bob Alvarez is going to be speaking to us today about some his recent findings. Now he's come a long way, so let's give him a warm welcome. Dr. Alvarez?

[Dr. Bob Alvarez comes through the door and stands at the center of the classroom]

Dr. Bob Alvarez: Thanks, Professor Thomas. (to the class) Hello there, class.

[The entire class shouts "Hi, Bob!"]

Dr. Bob Alvarez: (groans) I was expecting that. Even the chancellor did it when I was getting my Ph.D. I'm going to get that Bob Newhart one day and make him pay for the pain he's caused me. (pauses and takes a deep breath) Anyway, as your professor said, I'm here to talk to you about some of my most recent archaeological findings. Let's get started.

[Dr. Alvarez walks over to a table next to him covered by a sheet. He then removes the sheet, revealing his artifacts]

Dr. Bob Alvarez: Okay, let's start with this item. (picks up a Verizon-brand cell-phone) Now, you can tell from the sequence of painted numbers that this civilization had a primitive catalog system. Also, strangely enough, they associated three letters of their alphabet with each number. It's a weird language that my colleagues and I have yet to decipher. Another point of interest is that...

(Student # 1 raises his hand)

Dr. Bob Alvarez: (surprised) Yes? You have a question? Already?

Student # 1: Not really. But isn't that just a cell-phone? I have the exact same one. (reaches into his pocket and holds up his cell-phone) See?

Dr. Bob Alvarez: (shocked) Where did you get that?

Student # 1: (surprised) I bought it at the mall. Why?

Dr. Bob Alvarez: (enraged) The local mall is selling artifacts to college students? Something must be done about this! (calms down) Listen, after this class is over, I want you students to buy up as many of these devices as you can. Then, take them to the local museum. They'll know what to do. Understand?

[The class responds with an enthusiastic "Yes, sir."]

Dr. Bob Alvarez: Excellent. Okay, let's move on. Here's something that's very interesting. (picks up an old McDonalds plastic drinking cup) A primitive drinking cup from ancient times. Notice the pattern of yellow arches throughout the cup. It indicates that this society used arches in their architectural designs. Also, this cup is very flexible, so it wasn't made of stone or wood. I've hypothesized that it's almost a form of liquid plaster, almost like today's plastic.

(Student # 2 raises her hand)

Dr. Bob Alvarez: (annoyed) Yes?

Student # 2: That's just a cup from McDonalds. (points at the cup) Look, there's even a copyright date on it from 1998.

Dr. Bob Alvarez: (notices the copyright information and gets excited) Astounding! This changes everything about this finding! It isn't a drinking cup like we previously thought!

Student # 2: (confused) It's not?

Dr. Bob Alvarez: No, it's a prophetic item. It means that they predicted that a wave of arched settlements would spring up in their version of the year 1998. This could possibly give us a clue as to the whereabouts of the remainder of their settlements!

Student # 2: (confused) Wait, really? (amazed) Wow.

Dr. Bob Alvarez: Indeed. (pause) Finally, I have this little thing. (holds up a laser pointer)

Student # 3: (interrupting him) Okay, let me guess. That isn't a laser pointer?

Dr. Bob Alvarez: Right you are, young man. You see, this society had a strong knowledge of mirrors and how to manipulate them, so they were able to create a very raw refraction system. See, when I press this button, the refraction system gets to work and produces the red light that streams forth. Watch. (presses the button and points the red light onto the bulletin board at the front of the class) I should also note that the light is red because of a special pigmentation method they devised. I actually wrote my dissertation on it.

Student # 3: (impressed) Wow. What was the light used for?

Dr. Bob Alvarez: I'm glad you asked. This device was used for mental therapy and relaxation. If someone was complaining of aches and pains, the local shaman would shine the red light at the person's forehead. They believed that this would soothe their minds and reduce the effects of any headaches or general fatigue. The longer the light was shined, the greater the reduction of the ailments.

[The class gasps with awe]

Dr. Bob Alvarez: One of you mentioned a minute ago how similar this device looks to a laser pointer. One of my associates has actually hypothesized that the same pain-relieving effect can be achieved with today's modern laser pointers. He claims to have had success with it, so feel free to try it in your spare time. Let me know how it goes.

Professor Wendy Thomas: (standing up from her desk) Okay, class, we're just about out of time. Let's thank Dr. Alvarez for taking time out of his busy schedule to speak with us today.

[The class applauds for Dr. Bob Alvarez and then files out, amazed at what they've just seen. Professor Wendy Thomas and Dr. Bob Alvarez are left alone in the classroom]

Professor Wendy Thomas: Thanks a whole lot, Bob. I really appreciate it.

Dr. Bob Alvarez: No problem, Wendy. Did I come off okay? I thought I got a little "out there" towards the end.

Professor Wendy Thomas: No, it was perfect. This is what the department gets for cutting back my benefits. If you don't give me any money, I'm not going to teach your prospective majors properly. It's as simple as that.

Dr. Bob Alvarez: Yeah. And it also means that I'll meet my cell-phone quota for the month, so suck on that, Verizon. Want to grab some lunch before your next class?

["Dr." Bob Alvarez pockets his cell-phone and laser pointer while Professor Wendy Thomas throws the McDonalds cup into the trash. They leave the classroom, laughing together as we fade out]

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Replies:

Funny stuff -- Jim Bevan, 08:32:20 10/08/04 Fri
- Yeah, thanks for the correction. That's what I was trying to go for. (NT) -- DRG4, 19:32:50 10/08/04 Fri