Jude Law's Monologue -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, [7], 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 21:56:11 10/18/04 Mon
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Jude Law's Monologue
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Monologue Idea" on 21:54:29 10/18/04 Mon

JUDE LAW'S MONOLOGUE
Jim Bevan

... Jude Law
Gary... Will Forte

Don Pardo (VO): Ladies and gentlemen, Jude Law!

(Jude Law takes center stage and bows to the cheering crowd)

Jude Law: Thank you, thank you all! This has been an incredible week for me. I have had so much fun working with the Saturday Night Live cast - their are some of the most talented actors I've ever had the honor perform with. Being on this show was a nice break for me. Seems as though I've been doing nothing but hit movies lately. I've got a new one coming out soon, a romantic comedy called "Alfie," maybe you've heard of it. (applause from the audience) Yes, it was a lot of fun, I was a little wary at first, though. I told the casting agent, "Look, the script's great but I'm not interested in the title role. I never liked that puppet and I won't have my character eating cats." (the audience laughs) You all got it, thank God for those VH1 nostalgia specials.

Back to what I was saying, though, I've put quite a few films under my belt in the last couple of months. First there was"Sky Captain", which... (cheers from the audience, Jude looks happy) Ah, I'm in luck, the geeks are in full show tonight! No no, I'm only kidding, so glad you liked the film. It was a thrill for me as well. I just loved working in such an original, unique project, and I want to thank the producers for stealing the ideas from the science fiction comic artists of the 1950s to achieve this originality. (laughter) Thank you, thanks again. No I was quite impressed with how popular "Sky Captain" was, a lot of people saw it. President Bush actually saw the movie and afterwards, he said he wanted to give me a medal of honor for my heroism in defending our planet. (he pulls a medal out of his pocket and shows it to the audience) I couldn't say no to the man, he's leader of the free world!

Yes, I had a lot of fun with that movie, and now I'm in another film, "I Heart Huckabees" where I got to mingle with Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin. (huge outburst of applause) It was incredible working with those legends, and we had a lot of fun, both onstage and off. Why, one day after filming I went to Dustin's trailer to borrow this book he had, and I heard these wierd noises coming from within, so I opened the door and... first let me say that, before this, I had assumed that Lily Tomlin was a lesbian, but what I saw....

(A shot rings out and strikes James Genus, the SNL Band's base player. Genus yells out in pain and falls to the ground, clutching his leg. The other band members rush to his aid, while Law looks at the event in shock.)

Jude Law (surprised and horrified): Good Lord, is he okay?! Who would do such a thing?! The man's been shot in the shin!

Offscreen Voice: Sorry about that, man!

(The source of the voice, a thirty-something man named Gary, approaches the stage. He's dressed in army fatigues and has a sniper's rifle strapped across his shoulder. He steps next to Law and addresses the fallen bassist.)

Gary: Dude, I am so sorry about what happened, you were not who I was aiming for. (He takes his rifle off of his shoulder and examines it in his hands.) Dammit! I knew that scope was off!

Jude Law (utterly confused): Excuse me sir, but what exactly are you...

Gary (energetically): Oh, wow, Jude Law. Woah, it's a real treat to meet you. Hope you don't mind, but could you just stand still for a minute? (Gary raises the rifle up to eye level so that the barrel is pointing at Law, and he gets his finger around the trigger.) There we go, now the scope's not a problem.

Jude Law (slightly irritated): My God, man, are you insane?!

(Law pushes the rifle and knocks it out of Gary's hands. The gun hits the floor and goes off, firing a bullet out towards the direction of the audience.)

Off-screen voice (loudly): Aaah! My shoulder!

Gary (pointing at Law): He did it, not me. (Stops pointing). Mr. Law, can I call you Jude? This would really be a lot easier if you'd just hold still and not do anything. My marksmanship's still a little off and I can't really...

Jude Law (loud and angry): Why the hell were you trying to shoot me, you bloody maniac?!

Gary: Oh, okay, I'll tell you the backstory, no problem. My name is Gary, and, uh, gee, there's no really nice way to say this. But, uh, I came here tonight to kill you?

Jude Law (angry and exasperated): Why, dare I ask, were you planning to kill me?

Gary: I was getting to that as well. You see, here in America we have this neat little concept on the Internet called a "Dead Pool" (makes the quotation marks with his fingers.) What happens is young, macabre-minded entrepreneurs, such as myself, choose a list of celebrities we think are going to kick the bucket each month, and we put money on it. The more dead stars we have right, the more cash we win.

Jude Law (calmer, but still confused): Yes, I've heard of the concept, but it doesn't explain why you wanted to shoot me.

Gary (meekly): I, uh, I'm not that good at making the right picks. And I've been in a bit of a slump lately. So, I had the bright idea that I'd win more if I took some "initiative" (makes the quote marks again) in handling my monthly picks. Now, my pool site has quite a lot on you since you're so hot now, and if you were to meet with some "unfortunate fate," I'd make quite a bundle.

Jude Law (irked): How much are they offering on me?

Gary (mumbles, a beat): Eleven hundred.

Jude Law (exasperated): Eleven hundred dollars! Is that how much a human life is worth to you, Gary?!

Gary (defensively): Hey, I know that you don't have the same concept of money in your backwater country, (Law looks very offended) but in America, that's quite a lot when you're living out of your mom's basement. Now, can you please hold still? (He pulls a pocket knife out of his pants and grabs Law's arm, holding it out straight.) Let's see, was it across or down for maximum blood loss? I can never remember that?

(Law slaps the pocket knife out of Gary's hands and scowls at him)

Jude Law (angry again): Are you completely out of your mind, Gary?! You're talking about killing people to win some stupid gamble! You shot the band's bass player, he's bleeding badly.

Gary: Oh yeah, I forgot about that guy. (turns to the band) Hey, buddy, again I'm really sorry that I got ya. What's your name?

Random Band Member: He's Jim Genus.

Gary: Jim Genus, huh. Let me check something. (Pulls out his cell-phone and enters some text. Law looks at him in amazement.)

Jude Law: Where on earth is security? Shouldn't they be getting him out of here?

Random Band Member #2: This show's on at eleven-thirty and they only paid you a thousand to host the show, you think NBC puts a lot into the SNL expense budget.

Gary (turning off his phone): Eh, Barry told me that Genus is only at seventeen bucks this month. Tempting, but I've got bigger fish to fry. Jim, can I borrow your guitar? (Genus tosses his guitar to Gary. He picks it up off the floor.) Hey thanks, glad you're not mad at me. (He begins playing "I Fought the Law" on the bass)
Shot at Jude Law with my, shot-gun,
I fought Jude Law but Jude, Law-won
I fought Jude Law but...

(Law knocks the guitar out of Gary's hands. Gary scowls at him.)

Gary (irritated): Dude, that's really getting old. How can I drive you to suicide if I can't do my crappy singing? Damn, and I thought Tony Danza was a tough kill.

Jude Law: Tony's never going to die, it's part of his pact with Lucifer. (a beat) Gary, you need help.

Gary (shrugs sheepishly): I know, I have a problem and I need to work on it. (suddenly upbeat) Can I stay and watch the show.

Jude Law: Sure thing, just as soon as we get you in some restraints. (to the audience) All right, now that all that's over with, we have a teriffic show for you tonight. Ashlee Simpson is here...

Gary (interrupting, intrigued): Woah woah woah, Ashlee Simpson? Sweet, the pool for her croaking this month is up to eight hundred bucks!

Jude Law (agitated): (turns to Gary) Look, Gary, I won't stand for any more of this violent money-making scheme. You're obviously a sick individual who... (pauses, gets a look of interest on his face) Eight hundred dollars on Ashlee, you say? (Gary nods, an evil smile grows on Jude's face) Hmmn, that's not too shabby. (back to the audience) As I was saying, Ashlee Simpson's here, though she might not be for long. Stick around and we'll be right back!

(the audience applauds as Law and Gary begin scheming on how to off Ashlee and make some easy money)

(fade out)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Re: Monologue Idea -- Jack Farrell, 23:44:55 10/18/04 Mon

Glad you liked it, Jack (revised monologue) -- Jim Bevan, 12:22:26 10/20/04 Wed

Review -- Prateek, 16:59:35 10/22/04 Fri
- Thank you, Prateek. -- Jim Bevan, 17:19:02 10/22/04 Fri