The Late Late Show Auditions -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 10:05:28 11/13/04 Sat
Author: by Jack and Mark
Subject: The Late Late Show Auditions
In reply to: mjr 's message, "Patrick, I got a 'delay message' from Yahoo about your Hotmail account" on 10:04:24 11/13/04 Sat

Details -- a series of celebrities try out for the empty Late Late Show desk

�The Late Late Show Auditions�

Written by Mark Jennings Reese II & Jack Farrell

CBS Executive�Rob Riggle

Dave Coulier�Chris Parnell

Gabriel Byrne�Liam Neeson

Kathy Griffin�Amy Poehler

Dennis Hopper� Will Forte
Craig Kilborn� Seth Meyers

(Camera fades in on the empty �Late Late Show� set)

CBS Executive: Hello. These are the audition for �The Late Late Show�. As you know, we have had various celebrities host our show and nothing has really worked. So we have called upon more celebrities to give it a go�trying to find someone who can really capture the Late Late Show spirit. Let�s start with Dave Coulier!

(Dave Coulier enters via stage right; walks over to the desk)

Dave Coulier: Hello, I�m Dave Coulier and this is the Late Late show, and you know what, (does his famous hand gesture) cut it out! It�s time for some jokes�as we go in the news!

(SUPER: IN THE NEWS)

In an interview, rapper Eminem admitted to a brief relationship with singer Mariah Carey. Hey, Mariah, after the glitter faded, did it melt in your mouth?

The USA Today reports that despite violence, sex and language, senior citizens are "down with" Eminem. Oh, my bad, that was Enema, not Eminem.

CBS Executive: Thank you, Dave.

Dave Coulier: Those jokes were good, who wrote �em?

CBS Executive: Some guy, who doesn�t work for the network anymore.

(Dave Coulier exits the stage)

Okay, let�s have Gabriel Byrne.

(Gabriel Byrne enters the stage; sits down at the desk)

Gabriel Byrne: (straight faced) Hello. I�m Gabriel Byrne�and I�m Irish. That�s funny. I don�t know how funny I can be on this show. My family got a chuckle when I said I was going to audition for �The Late Late Show�. I�m not very funny. ABC learned that the hard way.

CBS Executive: Gabriel, can you just read those jokes?

Gabriel Byrne: (straight faced) Okay. I can do that.

(SUPER: IN THE NEWS)

ABC news special that will air on Monday night explores the possibility that Jesus Christ had a wife. If this is the case for Jesus, it could be questioned, did Jesus die because of religious persecution or a nagging wife?

Hey, folks, that�s not funny! I know what�s funny�how about a sketch about potato famine?

CBS Executive: Gabriel, that won�t be needed. Please, we have more celebrities to audition.

(Gabriel Byrne exits)

Okay, can we please have Kathy Griffin?

(Kathy Griffin enters the stage; sits down at the desk)

Kathy Griffin: Hello. I�m Kathy Griffin�I�m kind of annoying but hey�I�m a �D� list celebrity�and here is the news!

(SUPER: IN THE NEWS)

Here is a news story about Kato Katlin. Actually, before I tell the joke, here is a story about how I got stuck behind some smuck online at Starbucks. So, my cell phone rings and its Andrew McCarthy. He wants me to read this script for �Weekend At Bernie�s 3��and I was like no, I don�t have that kind of time on my hands for a movie that will suck! So�

CBS Executive: Kathy, we don�t have time for the rest of the story. Please leave!

(Kathy Griffin leaves the studio and the executive shuffles through his papers for the next applicant.)

CBS Executive: Okay our next potential host is� Dennis Hopper?

(Dennis Hopper comes onto the stage and looks very intense.)

Dennis Hopper, what the hell are you doing here?

Dennis Hopper: Come on man you know one of the greatest things about America is the energy of the late night comedian and what it represents to all of us, to go out their and take apart the fabric of our society man I�

CBS Executive: Okay Mr.Hopper why don�t you just read some of the monologue material you have their sir.

Dennis Hopper: Alright, Earlier this week President Bush put forth another bill to- hey Mr. Executive I was just thinking of something, how about when one of these jokes bomb I come out man and I just do this thing like �If you don�t laugh at this next joke this entire studio is going to explode!�

CBS Executive: Thank you Mr. Hopper. I think that will be enough.

Dennis Hopper: Don�t worry man I am not actually going to explode the studio man!

CBS Executive: That will be all.

Dennis Hopper: Okay, by the way did you see �Waterworld�?

CBS Executive: Yeah

Dennis Hopper: Here you go

(Dennis Hopper reaches in his wallets and gives the executive a few bucks. Hopper walks off. Craig Kilborn walks onto the stage.)

CBS Executive: Craig what the hell are you doing here, you quit!

Craig Kilborn: Yeah well you see the thing is, I got nothing, so I am back.

CBS Executive: I don�t think that�s going to work Craig.

Craig Kilborn: Come on I did the show for 5 years so I obviously know what I am doing, and Conan�s leaving in 5, then I�ll be #1!

CBS Executive: No Craig.

Craig Kilborn: Please hire me back, I have no place to go, ESPN doesn�t want me and the YMCA kicked me out Puhleasse!

(SUPER: 5 Minutes Later)

(Camera pans to the parking lot of CBS)

I need a friggin� gun!

(Fade out)

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