Re: Sketch idea -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 19:27:41 05/29/04 Sat
Author: Some Guy
Subject: Re: Sketch idea
In reply to: Some Guy 's message, "Sketch idea" on 17:41:14 05/29/04 Sat

Fred Armisen - Bobby Hall
Rachel Dratch - Bobby's mom
Will Forte - Kevin
Darrell Hammond - Carter High Coach
Seth Meyers - Frank
Chris Parnell - Jake
Amy Poehler - Tammy
Horatio Sanz - announcer
Kenan Thompson - Coach Keaton

[Shot of a high school football game. Scene focuses on the Kennedy High sideline, where the home team is having a meeting.]

Coach Keaton: All right boys, We've got this game in the bag. How all we have to do is run out the clock.

Kevin: Ok coach, we know what to do. Let's go finish those Carter bastards off!

Team in unison: Yeah!

[Team heads back on the field]

Coack Keaton: Wait a minute.

[team stops]

Kevin: What is it coach?

Coach Keaton: Hey Bobby! Bobby Hall! Come over here!

[Bobby Hall, an obviously mentally challenged waterboy runs over towards the coach]

Coach Keaton: Hey Bobby, how would you like to play in the game?

[Bobby jumps up with excitement]

Kevin: Coach, you shouldn't tease the kid like this. You know he can't play.

Coach Keaton: Listen son, I have to give him a chance. You may have had ample opportunities to play the sports you like, date the girls you like, have the toys you like. However, people like him, people like myself, we haven't had these luxaries. So you see, I feel obligated to put him in.

Kevin: Well you're the boss. I just hope this doesn't turn out badly.

[Super: Five Minutes Later]

[Both teams line up at the line of scrimmage. Kevin is the quarterback, while Bobby is behind him.]

Kevin: I hope you're ready kid, 'cause I'm handing off to you.

[The center hikes the ball to Kevin who hands off to Bobby. Bobby nearly fumbles, but Kevin helps him retain.]

Kevin: Run Bobby run!

[Bobby runs in the wrong direction, as Carter high players are unsure what to do.]

[On Kennedy sideline]
Coach Keaton: Run the other way Bobby! The other way!

[On Carter sideline]
Carter High Coach: Don't touch him boys! Anyone who stops him is off the team!

[A Kennedy player turns Bobby around and sends him running in the correct direction.]

[dramatic music plays as players, cheerleaders, coaches, and fans cheer on Bobby]

[standing in the bleachers]
Bobby' mom (in tears): Come on baby! Run all the way!

[on the sideline]
Announcer: You know I've been covering sports for many years now, but this, sports fans, may be the greatest moment I ever had the pleasure of witnessing. In an era of multi-million dollar contracts and steriods, it's refreshing to see that there are still -

[Out of nowhere, Frank, a Carter defensive player, spears Bobby]

Announcer: Aw screw it! I quit.

[Frank takes off his helmet and starts dancing.]

Frank: I nailed your ass punk! I laid the smackdown on you beeotch!

[Shots of everyone else looking stunned. Bobby's mom is really crying now. Bobby is taken off on a stretcher while Frank keeps dancing.]

[Super:10 years later.

[Frank, now fat and bald, sits on his porch with his friend Jake, who looks like a tweaker]

Tammy (offstage): Dammit Frank, you done smoke all my weed! I'm gonna smash yo face in you small-dicked queer.

Frank: Shut up bitch. (sips beer) I think I'm going to shoot that bitch in the head.

Jake: Yep

Frank: Then I'll turn the gun on myself.

Jake: (laughs) You know you're too much of a pussy to go through with any of that.

Frank: Probably. (sips beer) Hey remember back in high school when I put that retard in the hospital? That was funny.

Jake: Yep

[fade]

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