Kerry gives advice to the class of 2004 -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 01:50:42 06/05/04 Sat
Author: RG Stockton
Subject: Kerry gives advice to the class of 2004
In reply to: RG Stockton 's message, "WU Item" on 01:49:22 06/05/04 Sat

...Tina Fey
Sen. John Kerry...Seth Meyers

Tina Fey: Well, summer is coming up soon, which means more students will be leaving high school to face the world. Here now to give advice about moving on is... wow, really? Sen. John Kerry.

(enter Sen. John Kerry)

Sen. John Kerry: Thank you, Tina. Well, the elections are coming, so I want to...

Tina Fey: (inturupting) Uh, Mr. Kerry, you're supposed to talk about the classes of 2004's future.

Sen. John Kerry: I was just getting to that Tina. Now, since summer is arriving, I thought I'd talk to America's young adults with these words of wisdom. America is known as the land of oppertunities. There are many choices you high school students can make. For one you can go to college. While you're there you can study to be a teacher, an engineer, or you could party hardy like some Yale graduates I know. I took college with ease. Sure, I took the "wacky tobacci" days back, but at least I didn't snort anything. So be sure, that in November, to vote...

Tina Fey: Wait, wait, Senator, this is about the graduates. Keep on the subject.

Sen. John Kerry: I know, I know. Just please let me finish. Now after graduation from either high school of college, the big deal is finding a job. (reaches for a map showing the United States) You see, you are here. (grabs another mad showing arrows pointing away from the United States) Jobs are there. If I'm elected, I'll be sure to bring jobs back to...

Tina Fey: Mr. Kerry, hold on. You're not here to talk to America's Youth at all, you're just telling voters to vote for you.

Sen. John Kerry: Is that really what you think, Tina? Well, you're right. If this is what it takes for the people to recieve the voter's vote. I want people to vote for me, not against Bush.

Tina Fey: Didn't I hear that from "Head of State"?

Sen. John Kerry: See? I'm reduced to altering movie quotes to have people like me. I'm not a taxer as those ads have shown. I never agreed with gay marriage in Massachusetts, nor have I opposed. If you ask me, I don't like the president's plans, just like the rest of America. Our president has encouraged the cruel and unusual punishments of terrorist prisons made by Donald Rumsfeld, and sent multiple jobs outside of the US. Does he remember what country he runs? Remember, students, since most of you will be eighteen, be sure to register and vote for John Kerry for 2004. Did you get that, Tina?

(pan slowly to right, to show Tina is sleeping)

Sen. John Kerry: Tina!

(Tina awakens in shock)

Tina Fey: What, what?

Sen. John Kerry: I'm done. (starts to leave) Oh, wait.

(Kerry pulls out a tape recorder and plays a bit of the chorus of Outkast's "The Way You Move")

Sen. John Kerry: OK, I'm done.

Tina Fey: Sen. John Kerry, everybody!

(Kerry leaves, leaving his tape recorder. Tina notices the recorder)

Tina Fey: Hmm, maybe if...

(Tina plays the music backwords to reveal a hidden message)

Tape Recorder: Vote Sen. Kerry 2004.

Tina Fey: Yeah, I thought so.

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