Re: Uma Thurman's Monologue - revised -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 07:06:49 06/07/04 Mon
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Re: Uma Thurman's Monologue - revised
In reply to: Jim 's message, "Uma Thurman's Monologue" on 13:39:51 06/06/04 Sun

UMA THURMAN�S MONOLOGUE
Jim Bevan

� Uma Thurman
� Maya Rudolph
David Letterman�Chris Parnell

Don Pardo (VO): Ladies and Gentlemen, Uma Thurman!

(Thurman walks out onto center stage and takes in the applause, dressed as her character, �The Bride�, from �Kill Bill�)

Uma Thurman: Wow, thank you so much. I am so honored to be here tonight, kicking off SNL�s summer season. It�s simply incredible. Now, as many of you can tell, I�ve been getting quite a bit of publicity from a little movie made by my good friend Quentin Tarantino, Kill Bill. (applause from the audience.) You know, there�s actually an amusing story about how that film got started. (she chuckles) See, about two years ago, Quentin was having dinner with Angelina Jolie, and she was right in the middle of her divorce, and he was just writing down every nasty thing she said about Billy Bob, hoping something would inspire�

(Thurman is interrupted when Maya Rudolph walks up on stage and taps her on the shoulder.)

Maya Rudolph: Uh, Uma, excuse me, Uma? I need to talk to you for a minute.

Uma Thurman (slightly caught off guard): Oh, um, okay. (To the audience.) Everyone here knows Maya Rudolph, she�s very funny on the show, we had a great time in rehearsal this week. We�re going to be in quite a few sketches tonight, they�re absolutely hilarious�

Maya Rudolph: That�s what I needed to talk to you about. See, a few of the skits we were supposed to do got cut, even the one you liked the best.

Uma Thurman (surprised): What, you mean we won�t be in the drag queen prison shower bit?

Maya Rudolph (shaking her head): Yeah, I�m sorry, it�s gone. They needed to make room for all the �Kill Bill� parodies. The writers got a lot of them for tonight.

(She pulls an list out of her pocket and reads from it.)

Maya Rudolph: Let�s see here, we have: �Kill Bush,� �Kill Osama,� �Kill Bill Hung,� �Kill Cowell,� �Kill Bill Gates,�, �Kill Brad Pitt,� �Kill Lorne Michaels,� �Kill Will Forte,�, �Kill Darrell Hammond,�� oh, I�m sorry, those last three were from Parnell�s �To Do� list. (Thurman looks shocked. Rudolph simply nods.) Yeah, he�s still really pissed about losing the role of Bush. That was the only thing he had going for him.

Uma Thurman: Pity, but it just doesn�t seem fair that they had to get rid of�

(Thurman is interrupted by a loud shout.)

O.S. Voice: Hold it, hold up for a minute�

(The two women on stage are shocked when �David Letterman� rushes up onto stage, pushing Thurman aside to take the center spot. He begins addressing the audience.)

David Letterman (bland monotone): Thank you, thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Now we�re seven minutes late, and that�s going to cost the show three hundred dollars� on paper. See, get it, paper�? (awaits laughter, but gets nothing. Still, he remains undaunted.) By the way, if Mr. Forte is still in the studio, there are some guys out in the parking lot who would like to talk to him about �Clone High.� You know, I saw that show, and I think there�s a bit of a conspiracy going on here. This is twice in our history where Abe Lincoln is in the spotlight, and in both cases, he�s killed off too early and we never get a chance to see how the show ends. Eh, eh?

Uma Thurman (sighing incredulously): David, please, what exactly are you trying to accomplish here?

David Letterman (turning to Uma): Baby, I won�t lie to ya, I�m very, very excited! I�ve been dying to do this all day, and I think now is the best time to take care of it. (Moves his hands back and forth between the two women, as if he were introducing them to one another.) Uma, Maya. Maya, Uma. Uma, Maya. Maya, Uma.

Maya Rudolph (exasperated): Oh God, not this again!

Uma Thurman (angered): David, you�re not ruining my night again. Please leave!

David Letterman (oblivious): By the way, I have an announcement to make; Spike TV has signed off for the evening. So now if you want your big-breasted women and jackass game shows, you�ll have to turn to the other fifty networks that present them. You know, tonight is a very important night for Uma here, almost as important as Pixar was to Disney� heh? (no laughs.) Well of course, it�s summer movie season, and all the big studios are doing what they can to bring in viewers, they want to get as big a piece of the pie as possible. Of course, if they�re showing Michael Moore�s film and he�s there to see it, they won�t be getting any pie� (silence). As you may know, SNL alumnus Bill Murray�s new movie came out on Friday, �Garfield�, got a lot of publicity. It�s doing very well overseas in Cambodia, but of course, that may be because of it�s translated title, �Fat Orange-Haired Pussy�� I know that�s not much of a joke, but I just wanted to stand in front of a million people and say fat orange-haired pussy.
One of the big films scheduled to come out this summer is �I, Robot.� Coincidentally, this is, as I understand it, the original name they developed for the Lasik machines. (No
laughter, he turns back to the two women.) Uma, Maya. Maya, Uma.

Uma Thurman (greatly frustrated): David, this is your last warning, get off the stage now!!!

(Letterman ignores her and pulls out a stack of blue cards from his vest pocket. He wipes his glasses on his shirt in preparation.)

David Letterman: And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Top Ten signs that the sketch you saw in dress rehearsal will not be used in tonight�s show

(Drum-roll SFX play as he reads off the cards. Thurman and Rudolph groan in anguish.)

David Letterman: Number ten - it tried to pass off Kenan Thompson as Jack La Lane!;
Number nine - the title of the skit contained the word �chimpanzee� and the phrase �up the anus!�;
Number eight - Debbie Downer showed full frontal nudity!;
Number seven- the premise involved a senior member of the cast interrupting the monologue while imitating a talent-less late-night talk show host!;
Number six - the comedic climax was Omarosa�s sex-change!;
Number five - Jimmy Fallon came back to fill one of his old roles alongside Horatio!;
Number four - Donald Rumsfeld was beaten to a bloody pulp with a Lemony Snicket book!;
Number three - Lemony Snicket was beaten to a bloody pulp with a Lemony Snicket book!;
Number two - It was written by Adam McKay AND Paula Pell!;
And the number one sign that the sketch you saw in dress rehearsal earlier this week will NOT be included in tonight�s show� it was video footage of the backstage bloopers from the Andy Roddick episode! All right, we have a great show for you �

(David is silenced when Thurman pulls a dagger out from her suit and stabs him through the chest. He falls forward, dead. Thurman licks the blood off of her dagger and grins evilly, making Rudolph nauseous.)

Uma Thurman (infuriated): I�ve waited ten years to do that, you hack bastard! Maya, can you take care of this?

Maya (nervously): Uh, yeah, sure, what do you want me to do with it?

Uma (sinisterly): Why don�t you see if he�ll float? Okay, now that that�s been taken care of, we have a killer show for you tonight! Keep your asses in your seats, we�ll be right back!

(Fade out)

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