"8 and a half Mile" -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 14:31:59 06/09/04 Wed
Author: jennings
Subject: "8 and a half Mile"
In reply to: jennings 's message, "my new sketch...please take a look" on 14:29:59 06/09/04 Wed

�8 and a half Mile�
Written by Mark Jennings Reese II

Announcer�Darrell Hammond
Eminem / Jimmy Smith, Jr�Chris Parnell
Christina Aguilera / Maya�Maya Rudolph
Mekhi Phifer / Future�Finesse Mitchell
Kim Basinger / Jimmy�s Mother�Uma Thurman
Jay Mohr�Seth Meyers
�Just John Kruk��Fred Armisen

(Fade in)

Announcer: You�ve waited�for a year and a half�get ready for the sequel�to one of the best �against all odds� films of all-time�ever. Eminem reprises his role of Jimmy Smith Jr., but this time he�s a struggling stand-up comic who�s got to beat the odds if he wants to make it in the funny business.

Eminem: Yo, I�m the �FUNNY WHITE GUY� and I�m a stand up comic. I was thinking that I should start going to a �sperm bank��because let�s face it�this is a face of a masturbator! I figure�I do it on such a regular basis, I should get paid for it�it�s just like going to work! But I don�t think I can take the fact of walking around�in about 15 years, there�s going to be this 14, 15 year old punk white kid acting like he�s black walking down the street, yelling, �Where are all the white bitches?!�

Announcer: Yeah, he�s funny. But he must deal with his life in the laughs and in the tears. As his girlfriend, Maya, played by Christina Aguilera, has news for his.

Maya: Jimmy, I�m pregnant.

Eminem: What? Damn! Did you tell the �Detroit Pistons� to wear condoms when they were havin� sex with you? Damn!

Announcer: But yet, through it all, he�s funny.

Eminem: Yo, when I�m not doing comedy, I work at a grocery store. By the last day of the sale, we are out of like all the sale items, but customers, old people would come into the store on the last day of the sale looking for the moon, the stars and the stripes. Everything, yo! It got so ridiculous one time, I remember an old woman asking me, �Excuse me, do you have the frozen head of Walt Disney, I saw in the flyer?� I said, �Hey old lady! Do we have the frozen Walt Disney? The Frozen head of Walt Disney? We had 5 of them on Sunday, where the fuck were you?�

Announcer: He�s funny�but what happens when the going gets tough?

Eminem: The tough gets going!

(Camera fades to an aisle in a grocery store)

Yo, man! That�s neither here, nor�here. If I don�t make it as a stand-up comic, what will I make it as?

Future: Yo, man! How about as a rapper?

Eminem: Yo, Future�I�m white! How the hell am I going to make as a rapper? Is my name Vanilla Ice? No! What about that fag Slim Shady? No!

Announcer: And yes! Mekhi Phifer does reprise his role as �Future� in this summer sequel.

Future: Yo, you going to the open mic tonight?

Eminem: Ya! I gotta man. The producers from �Last Comic Standing� are going to be there. I wanna be the last comic standing, yo!

Future: That�s good motivation, man. Cuz, I signed you up to go first!

Eminem: Yo, man, what the hell, dude! Why?

Future: Yo, you gotta bring it!

Announcer: Yeah, I know what you are thinking. This is more �8 Mile� instead of something different. Well, never mind that because we�re paying Eminem $25 million to be in this�and we don�t want this to be a wash. Kim Basinger is back too�as Jimmy�s mother. You remember, the slut who likes to play bingo. But she too, has a secret for Jimmy.

Jimmy�s mother: Jimmy, I�m pregnant.

Eminem: What? Damn! Did you tell the �Detroit Pistons� to wear condoms when they were havin� sex with you? Damn!

Announcer: But yet, through it all, he�s funny.

Eminem: You know what I love about comedy? I love doing impressions. I love putting funny lines into celebrities� mouth and doing the voice. Here�s an example. Arnold Schwarzeneggar��Hello, I�m Arnold, the governor of Kallyfornia. I am putting the state of Kallyfornia under the state of emergency because�I just shit my pants!�

Announcer: Like we said, he�s funny...but can he make it on �Last Comic Standing�?

(Camera fades to the final standup showdown on Last Comic Standing)

Jay Mohr: Welcome to �Last Comic Standing�. I�m Jay Mohr. We are down to our last two comics�All the way from �The 8 Mile Trailer Park�, Jimmy Smith, Jr�and all the way from �Cold Ass Buffalo, New York�, a comic who calls himself, �JUST JOHN KRUK�. Can you feel the excitement! This is as exciting as a blowjob from an 88-year-old woman! Yeah! Okay, let�s hear from �JUST JOHN KRUK�, first.

�JUST JOHN KRUK�: Okay�so, how are you all doing? Good? I�m horrible. I saw that jackass William Hung on TV, the other night. He sang a shitty cover of Ricky Martin�s �She Bangs�, hey William, she bangs, she bangs, you suck, she bangs, she bangs, and you suck!

Announcer: We don�t want to give away too much, but here�s the hit single Eminem will be putting out when this movie is released next month.

(Camera cuts to Eminem singing in the trailer park)

Eminem: �you better laugh at yourself in the mirror before you go on the stage, you know it, you better let the laughter go, go. You only get one joke to tell, do not miss your chance to laugh, this opportunity comes once in a punch line, yo!

Announcer: So, are you ready to see the final throw down of this great summer blockbuster sequel? Okay, here it is�no one�s going to see it, anyhow!

(�JUST JOHN KRUK� continues his standup routine)

�JUST JOHN KRUK�: Someone told me that they think William Hung is a good singer. Anyone who thinks William Hung is good singer should be shot in the face! Saying William Hung is good singer, isn�t that a lot like saying George W. Bush is good president. �William Hung, Good Singer�, isn�t that an oxy-moron? If you think it�s not, you should be shot in the face! William Hung can sing, isn�t that like saying Dat Phan can be funny? I kid Dat Phan because I�m Dat funny!

(Pause for laughter)

So I saw Alex Rodriguez in a Yankees uniform this week. So, let�s recap, The Yankees infield, 2 gay, 2 to go! Little girls yelling, Alex Rodriguez�s name like he�s one of the Backstreet Boys. A-ROD! A-ROD! More like�a dick! And if you didn�t find that last joke funny, you should be shot in the face!

Announcer: How does this end�well, Jimmy chokes, loses �Last Comic Standing� and finds himself stocking the shelves at the local grocery store and becomes the store manager in just under 6 years. What happens to �JUST JOHN KRUK�? He was shot in the face! How do you like that for irony? So, see this summer blockbuster, big budget summer blockbuster huge budget, blockbuster sequel, opening in theatres on July 4th. Did I mention this is a big budget, summer blockbuster sequel?

This film is rated PG�pathetically genuine!

(Fade out)

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Replies:

How to fix it... -- Ozzie, 18:12:21 06/09/04 Wed
- If I may make a suggestion -- Jim Bevan, 21:02:37 06/09/04 Wed