Re: Matt Leblanc Leftover -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 22:55:35 06/29/04 Tue
Author: Prateek Srivastava
Subject: Re: Matt Leblanc Leftover
In reply to: Prateek Srivastava 's message, "Matt Leblanc Leftover" on 22:54:31 06/29/04 Tue

Spider-Man 2 Premiere Problems

Willy James-Will Forte
Sam Raimi-Matt Leblanc
Security Guard-Kenan Thompson
Mary-Jane-Amy Poehler
Marcus Washington-Finesse Mitchell
Ben Parker-Darryl Hammond
Robber-Horatio Sanz
Peter Parker/Tobey Mcguire: Seth Meyers
Harry Osborne: Fred Armisen

Open with with the red carpet at the Spider Man 2 Premiere. There are people passing security and the camera pans to show Willy James walking up to the security.

Security: Look man, I am gonna need tickets or credentials or you are not getting in.

Willy: Oh, just let me look in my pocket
(He looks for a minute and then runs forward to be grabbed by the guard)

Security: I need a ticket dude!

Willy: Oh, sorry, sorry, let me go get it.
(He walks away for a minute only to lunge back at the guard with no success.

Security: C�mon man(a beat) you�re not getting in!
(Sam Raimi walks by with his entourage and Willy notices him)

Willy: Hey, let me through, Sam, come on man, you know me, Willy, Willy James.
(Sam does not pay attention)
Willy: You really do look like Matt Leblanc.
(He stops)

Sam: Finally, someone notices my likeness of Leblanc.
(He pulls him aside)
Sam: So, who should I make the autograph to.

Willy: No, I want you to let me come with you to the premiere.

Sam: I just met you, good try buttering me up with the Matt Leblanc bit, but all I can give you is an autograph.

Willy: But, I�m the number one fan of Spider-Man. I�ve seen everything, the DVD�s, all the posters, all the bloopers, never before seen footage, the Sequel trailers and specials. Come on, I�m going into the premiere.

Sam: I�m sorry, but you�ll have to wait till June 28th like everyone else.

Willy: I�m a big fan, but I�m not a morning person, I�m not gonna stand out there for a ticket. In fact, I don�t have to. Sam Raimi, I think you may want to see this.

Sam: See what?

Willy:(He pulls a video tape from his pants) This is some extra footage from Spider Man 1.

Sam: He looks at the time. Well, I got time before the premiere, and you did complement me! Let�s see what you got. Probably some homemade loser crap.
(He leads Willy to an office in the theater and he gets a monitor and inserts the tape. He turns off the lights and we cut to monitor and camera focuses in to show the clip)
(We fade into the clip, and note, it is a pre recorded part of this sketch)
(Open to the metropolis area. Spider-Man is swinging on those posts that are built on the side of buildings and he is getting ready to swing away. Pan to the ground where Mary Jane looks on staring at Spiderman)

Mary-Jane: Wow what a guy, what a man! He may be out to do good, but I�d like to do some good and get him outta that costume. Hell, he doesn�t have to play Spiderman for me!
(Spider-Man senses what she is thinking and swings down to see her. They embrace and start to make out, but it is hard with the mask. The victorious patriot music plays and people appear around them, cheering and shouting. Suddenly YMCA music pots up and everyone around starts to dance.)
(Spider-Man grabs Mary Jane, and they get really close. Suddenly Ben Parker, Peter�s uncle appears next to them)

Ben Parker: Hey Pete, I�m alive, it was a joke, haha just kidding.
(That robber that shot him walks up next to him)

Robber: Uh yeah, it was a joke HAHAHA.
(The robber starts to dance with Ben Parker, and he pretends to shoot him with his finger. They also start to get close and then. The music switches to Tango Everyone stops and watches as the robber and Ben suddenly tango together)

Mary Jane: Wait a minute. Did you just call Spider-man Peter!(She looks at Spider-Man) Peter Parker!

Ben Parker: Well yeah, whenever there�s trouble and Spider-Man is around, Peter is nowhere to be found. Hell, he kept throwing you hints in every other shot. I mean come on, what moron couldn�t figure it out.

Mary Jane: But Spider-Man looks good right now, and since when does Peter look so firm and tight in that suit. Is it really you Peter?(She rips off the mask)
Mary Jane: I knew it! It�s not Pete at all!
(The tango music stops and the camera pans around to show a black guy in the Spider-Man suit)

Spider-Man: I�m uh Marcus Washington, how you doin(Towards Mary Jane)

Ben Parker: Wait, then where is Peter, you can�t have SpiderMan without him.

Mary-Jane: I don�t need Peter Parker I got what I want. (Looking at Marcus) Some Brown sugar!

Marcus: Now this how a movie should be! You got the white people talkin for the 1st thirty minutes, kill some dudes and have the brotha come and bang the chicks no matter what color they are!
(Suddenly the theme from Seabiscuit pots up. We see Peter/Tobey Mcguire riding on the horse right up to where everyone is standing)

Ben Parker: Finally, Peter where have you been.

Peter: No one ever gives me credit for my other roles. I�m Tobey Mcguire and I do have other movies under my belt. After this movie I�m doing something called Seabiscuit, you know about a horse. I�m a distinguished actor. A distinguished! ACTOR!!!!!
(He gets off the horse and starts to freak out)
YAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(He falls to the ground and is unconcious)

Mary Jane: I can�t believe I was ever in love with that guy.
(Suddenly Harry Osborne appears riding a unicycle and carrying the Green Goblin Mask)

Harry: So wait, Peter�s uncle is alive and my dad isn�t. Parker was riding a horse and there�s a black guy in this movie. What the hell is going on here. This movie is not making any sense!

Marcus: Yo dawg, calm your white ass down and repeat after me. (A beat) LIFE NEVER MAKES SENSE!

Harry: Life Never Makes Sense. Okay!
(Peter Parker gets up and stands next to his horse)
Everyone altogether: LIFE NEVER MAKES SENSE!
(Everyone starts to party and �Shake Your Groove thing� pots up. The group of Ben Parker, the robber, Marcus, Mary Jane, Sea Biscuit horse, Harry, and Peter Parker start to disco in a big line The crowd of people start to cheer and go crazy and the camera pans up to the sky.)
(The letters THE END appear in web material and screen goes black. We fade in to Willy James sitting in the office with Sam Raimi)

Sam Raimi:( He looks at the monitor) Oh my GOD!! (A beat). Where the f**k did you get that. I thought the studio destroyed that film. (He starts to worry and mumble to himself) Not tonight! All the important people are here!

Willy James: How was this alternate ending made?

Sam: Oh we were celebrating the final day of shooting and I had my stupid ass brother monitoring the camera. I broke out the champagne, but obviously I got outta hand. Then my brother said something about Spider-Man having a musical ending and we shot this. The next day. I awoke passed out on set. I realized we filmed major motion picture crap. I told the crew to destroy this and we had to shoot the proper ending.

Willy James: You know, Broadway would love this. If there was a Spider-Man musical, this would be it.

Sam Raimi: Oh, Broadway will never know about this. Oh, hell, I can�t you going around with this. I thought they were all gone. Damn, not at the premiere. (He starts looking through the office desk drawers)
Sam Raimi: Look, here�s a VIP pass for the premiere.
(He hands Willy James the pass and grabs the video cassette from him)
Sam Raimi: Don�t you ever bring this footage up again. This ending will never see the light of day again. Now get out of here!
(Sam gets out a match, and burns the cassette and the camera pans around to Willy James as he exits the office. He closes the door and stands there for a minute)

Willy James: Man, not only does Sam Raimi look like Matt Leblanc, he�s just as stupid as him.
(He laughs) HAHAHA. Like that was my only copy of it. But hey, I�m in the premiere and that�s what matters. But you know, I�ve got to milk this cash cow for all it�s worth. Next step
E-BAY.com, oh yeah!
(Willy laughs and then he walks off-screen and it fades to black)

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Replies:

Re: Matt Leblanc Leftover -- Prateek Srivastava, 23:39:52 06/29/04 Tue