THE ANSWERS!!!!!!! -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 16:34:48 07/02/04 Fri
Author: V. Gargiulo
Subject: THE ANSWERS!!!!!!!
In reply to: V. Gargiulo 's message, "His Folks" on 01:56:57 06/26/04 Sat

EXT. FRONT DOOR OF SUBURBAN HOUSE - DAY
Boyfriend and girlfriend, ROCKY and JULIA, are at the door of the house of Rocky�s family. Rocky rings the doorbell.
Julia: I�m looking forward to meeting your family.
Rocky: Well, they�re a little weird but they�re really all right once you get to know them.
Rocky�s aging mom, MARTHA, opens the door.
Martha: Rocky!
Rocky: Hi Mom!
Martha: Is this the girl you were telling me about?
Rocky: This is her.
Martha: Oh. She�s so beautiful.
Julia: Thank you.
Martha: Well, come in. Let�s not stand outside.
They all proceed into the house.
INT. FRONT HALLWAY OF THEIR HOUSE - DAY
Rocky looks down.
Rocky: Oh dear. I stepped on the cat.
Martha: Did you kill it?
Rocky: It�s not moving.
Martha: Well, we�ll throw it in the oven then.
Rocky: That�s a good idea.
Martha: (to Julia) So, what�s your name?
Julia: (baffled by the dead cat conversation) What?
Martha: What�s your name, child?
Julia: Julia.

1) Julia (Off White Album)

Martha starts crying all of the sudden.
Julia: (cont'd) What happened? Did I say something?
Rocky: Ah...I forgot to tell you. You see, Mom has been depressed ever since the Beatles broke up in 1970 and anytime you say the name of a Beatle song, she starts crying.
Julia: Oh, I see.
Rocky: So act naturally.

2) Act Naturally (A Cover Off "Help" Album)

Martha belts out with a loud cry.
Julia: I will.

3) I Will (Also other White Album)

Martha belts out another loud cry and for the rest of the sketch, she will continue to belt cries out as names of the underlined Beatle songs are said. Meanwhile, Rocky�s sister, MICHELLE, comes in the room.
Michelle: Rocky! So nice to see you again.
Rocky: Hello, Michelle. This is Julia.

4) Michelle (Song Off Of "Rubber Soul")

Rocky: Hello. I�m Rocky�s sister.
Julia: Hello.
Rocky: What are we having for dinner, Michelle?
Michelle: Pot roast.
Julia: Oh, that sounds good.
Michelle: Yes, it�s made from real marijuana. After eating it, you�ll feel free as a bird. And then for dessert, you can either have savoy truffle or wild honey pie.

5) Free As A Bird (Reunion song off the Anthology)
6) Savoy Truffle (Off Of White Album)
7) Wild Honey Pie (Off Of White Album)

Rocky: Well, I�m starving. Are you hungry, Julia?
Julia: Well, a little.
Rocky: Is it almost done?
Michelle: Oh yes. It won�t be long. All I�ve got to do is slice the potatoes, chop up some carrots, you know.

8) It Won't Be Long (1st Song Off "With The Beatles")
9) All I've Got To Do (2nd Song Off "With The Beatles")

Rocky: Sounds wonderful.
Michelle: Well, nothing�s too good for Dad on his birthday.

9) Birthday (Off Of White Album)

Rocky: Where is Dad?
Michelle: Oh, he�s in the living room. He�s getting ready to mow it.
Rocky, Julia, Michelle, and the sobbing Martha go in the living room.
INT. LIVING ROOM OF THEIR HOUSE - DAY
They find Dad, whose name is JUDE, putting gasoline in a lawn mower sitting on the carpet. He spills some on the floor.
Rocky: Hey Jude!

10) Hey Jude (1968 Single)

Jude: Son!
Rocky: Happy birthday.
Jude: Thank you. Thank you. Who�s the girl?
Rocky: This is Julia, my girlfriend.
Jude: Oh, I like her. She�s not like your other dates. She�s a woman. And if she loves you that�s even better.

11) She's A Woman (B-Side To "I Feel Fine")
12) She Loves You (Early Beatles Single; 1964)

Rocky: She loves me and I love her.

13) And I Love Her (Off Of "A Hard Day's Night)

Jude: (to Martha) Honey, don�t. The kids are here. Come together.

14) Honey Don't (Off Of "Beatles For Sale")
15) Come Together (Off Of "Abbey Road")

Martha: (crying) I�m down. Ohh!

16) I'm Down (B-Side To "Help" Single)

Michelle: Well, if you excuse me. I have to go check on the potatoes but I�ll be back.

17) I'll Be Back (Off Of "A Hard Day's Night")

Jude: (to Rocky and Julia) You know your mother has been in such misery since those damn Beatles broke up. I wish they�d get back.

18) Misery (2nd Song Off 1st Album "Please Please Me")
19) Get Back (Off "Let It Be")

Rocky: Has it been bad lately?
Jude: Well, no. She�s been getting better actually. Getting better all the time. It�s just that any time she hears the name of a Beatle song, she�s starts crying.

20) Getting Better (Off "Sgt. Pepper's")

Rocky: It�s only love.

21) It's Only Love (From "Help")

Jude: It�s something.

22) Something (From "Abbey Road")

Michelle comes back in the room carrying the dead cat.
Michelle: Did you want me to stick this cat in the oven?
Rocky: Ah...yeah.
Michelle: All right. You all might as well come to the table. Dinner�s almost ready.
Jude: Come on, Martha my dear. Let�s go eat.

23) Martha My Dear (From "White Album")

They all go into the kitchen/dining room to the table.
INT. KITCHEN/DINING ROOM OF THEIR HOUSE - DAY
Michelle: Pull up a chair.
Jude: Why? There�s six here already.
Jude sits on the end. Julia and Rocky sit on one side. Martha sits on the other side. Michelle goes to the refrigerator. She opens the door and a MAN WITH A BRIEFCASE walks out.
Michelle: Oh, excuse me.
The man then proceeds out a nearby window. After that, some STRANGE MAN sticks his head in the window.
Strange Man: Shut up! Shut up! Will you shut up!
Jude: So tell me, Julia, what do you do for a living?
Julia: I�m a med-student working a part-time job at a restaurant.
Jude: Really? Medical-student, eh?
Julia: Yes.
Jude: I�ve got this big mole. Well, actually, I don�t know what it is. But anyway, I�ve got this big mole at the tip of my anus. Would you look at it?
Julia: (hesitantly) Um...maybe later.
Jude: Why wait till after we eat? Something might fall on your face when you look at it then. Doctor Robert said it was some horrible flesh-eating disease and was very very contagious.

24) Doctor Robert (From "Revolver")

The Strange Man comes up from under the table.
Strange Man: Shut up! Shut up! Will you shut up!
Michelle: All right, here�s dinner.
Michelle puts a very very burnt pot roast on the table.
Jude: Umm. Lovely Rita.

25) Lovely Rita (From "Sgt. Pepper's")

Michelle: My name is Michelle.
Jude: Oh, there she goes again.
Michelle starts crying.
Julia: Why is she crying?
Rocky: Well, Michelle has the same thing Mother has. Except instead of the Beatles, it�s the La�s with her.
STILL SHOT OF THE LA�S ONLY ALBUM
Voice-over: The La�s. British band of the early 1990�s. Known for their hook-laden alternative pop-rock such as �There She Goes� and �Way Out�.
BACK TO SCENE
Jude: (to the sobbing Martha) Oh! Darling. You�ve got to hide your love away. Come on. Don�t let me down. We can work it out. I mean, tomorrow never knows. The Beatles could regroup any time at all. (to Rocky and Julia) Oh she�s hopeless. She�s like this eight days a week. I mean I�m so tired of her crying all the time. Let it be. Jesus!

26) Oh! Darling (From "Abbey Road")
27) You've Got To Hide Your Love Away (From "Help")
28) Don't Let Me Down (B-Side To "Get Back")
29) We Can Work It Out (1965 Single)
30) Tomorrow Never Knows (From "Revolver")
31) Any Time At All (From "A Hard Day's Night")
32) Eight Days A Week (From "Beatles For Sale")
33) I'm So Tired (From "White Album")
34) Let It Be (From "Let It Be")

The actual JESUS CHRIST walks into the shot.
Jesus Christ: (in Lurch mode) You rang.
The Strange Man pulls into the shot.
Strange Man: Shut up! Shut up! Will you shut up!
Martha: Look. I don�t want to spoil the party so I�ll go. I would hate my disappointment to show.

35) I Don't Want To Spoil The Party (From "Beatles For Sale")

She runs off crying to the living room.
Jude: Good. More for me. Pass the pot.
Rocky hands Jude the whole pot roast. While Rocky does this, we see water pouring out from Jude�s pants onto the table.
Rocky: Dad! Control your bladder.
Jude: It�s that disease. I�m telling you. (to Julia) You sure you don�t want to look at it right now?
He gets up and drops his pants.
Julia: No. I�m leaving. I can�t take it here anymore.
She gets up and walks towards the exit. Rocky gets up too.
Rocky: Julia!
Martha belts out another loud cry in the distance.
Rocky: (con't) Wait!

36) Wait (From "Rubber Soul")

Another loud cry in distance.
INT. FRONT HALLWAY OF THEIR HOUSE - DAY
Rocky stops Julia in her tracks and looks her straight in the eye.
Rocky: (con't) Look. I love you and all I ask of you is that you love me. I don�t care if you don�t like my folks but just put up with them just a little longer. Please. Please please me.

37) Please Please Me (From "Please Please Me")

Martha belts out another loud cry in the distance.
Julia: All right.
They walk back up to the table.
INT. KITCHEN/DINING ROOM OF THEIR HOUSE - DAY
Jude: What was that all about?
Julia: Nothing. I...ah...had a panic attack.
Jude: You�re weird.
VERY QUICK STOCK FOOTAGE OF A GEYSER SHOOTING UP A FULL STEAM OF WATER.
BACK TO SCENE
Julia is soaking wet.
Rocky: Ohhh! Look out for the geyser.
Julia: That�s it! I�m outta here! Good-bye!
Just then a MONSTER attacks her. Michelle comes running up with a broom hitting the monster with it.
Michelle: Down! Down Bruno!
Rocky: Oh yeah. This is my brother, Bruno. He�s so ugly we have to keep him locked up in the attic. I don�t know how he escaped.
Just then, a BEATLE IMPERSONATOR GROUP comes out and starts to play the opening of �I Want To Hold Your Hand�. Martha, who just walked back into the scene, starts crying out.

So 37 In Total. Not counting all the times "Julia" and "Michelle" is said. Also Rocky's name refers to "rocky Racoon" but the words "Rocky" and "Raccoon" are never said together. So it doesn't count.

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