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Date Posted: 07:37:53 07/07/04 Wed
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: 7/10/04 Weekend Update Bits
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Ideas for WU" on 07:35:34 07/07/04 Wed


…Tina Fey
Ralph Nader… Chris Parnell


Tina Fey: Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein remains on trial in the now sovereign nation for war crimes, among the tyrant’s charges are the mass murder of thousands of Kurds in 1988, and the deaths of innocent Kuwaitis during the 1990 invasion. The former tyrant scoffed at the accusations and stated, “Ha, if I really committed such horrible acts against these people, why aren’t they here to verify it?”

Hussein remained defiant during the proceedings and denounced his trial as nothing more than a staged act run by President Bush to help with his re-election. Upon hearing this allegation, President Bush said, “Okay, who told him? Come on, guys, I asked you to keep this a secret. Rummy, Condi, it wasn’t either of you, was it?”

With the tyrant facing justice and Iraq moving forward towards a democratic government, President Bush has begun to outline plans to help other nations suffering other dictatorial rule achieve sovereignty. One of the key points in his plan - do NOT give chemical and nuclear weapons capabilities to the dictators, even if you think they’ll help you fight a common enemy.

Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry has selected former rival John Edwards as his running mate, and the personal wealth of the two politicians and their families has created one of the richest campaign tickets in history, estimated at more than a billion dollars. This provides Kerry with quite an advantage, as Edwards’ money now allows him to bribe an additional seven percent of the American voters.

Acclaimed actor Marlon Brando recently passed away at the age of 80. An altercation arose during funeral services for the film legend when it was revealed that Sacheen Littlefeather had taken his place in the casket.

Earlier this month independent presidential candidate Ralph Nader made a speech in which he declared that the American government was a “puppet” under the control of the Israeli government, thereby showing his increasing desperation to say anything in order to obtain whatever media coverage he can get.

Predictably, Nader’s comments have created quite a firestorm and have led to charges of anti-Semitism. Here now to clarify his statement is Ralph Nader.

(Ralph Nader enters from the right, dressed in a brown dress shirt and with a Hitler-like mustache on his face. He sits down next to Tina, who stares oddly at his familiar facial-hair.)

Ralph Nader: Good evening, Tina. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to defend myself.

Tina (slightly put-off): No problem. Uh, that’s an, um, interesting ‘stache you have there.

Ralph Nader: Oh, this, I’m glad you like it! I thought it would be good to craft an image for my campaign, you know, give the voters something they can recognize and associate with me. Now, these last few weeks have been rough on me, what with all the allegations of bigotry and anti-Semitism. Thankfully I’ve had my family and friends by my side during these tough times. As it happens, my sister Laura’s in the audience; she’s an anthropology teacher at Berkeley. (He waves to the audience, raising his arm in a seig-heil salute) Hey Laura, great to see you. Thanks for coming.

Now, I am here tonight to put an end to these pointless accusations that I harbor a hatred towards the Jewish devi - I mean people. First and foremost, I want to apologize for my statement, it was wrong and erroneous. The Jewish community does not have some hold over the American government to force them to submit to their desires. Hell, they wouldn’t have the time or energy to manipulate Congress, what with their control of the international banks and media. But again, it was in poor judgment to say such a thing, and I am truly sorry. If I wished to protest the United States’ overwhelming kowtowing to Israel, I should have chosen a more valid point for argument, such as the Zionist plot to plant microscopic tracking chips in vaccines, or the subliminal mind control programs broadcast during the news.

But I am not an anti-Semite, I hold no grudge against the Jewish people. And I am greatly hurt by these pointless allegations, they are founded in nonsense. I can disprove all of these foolish claims. Last week when I sent my annual donation to the Hamas martyrs group, I could have mailed out blueprints and security schematics for the B’nai Brith foundation, but I did not! I’ll send that out in three weeks, because my post office has temporarily suspended bulk mailing. Now, I hope that after viewing this, the voting public will realize that their judgments were erroneous and faulty, and that you shouldn’t believe the media-spread lies perpetuated by these damn Je… well, you know. Vote Nader for 2004, teach those Green Party bastards a lesson.

Tina Fey (somewhat confused): Ralph Nader, everyone. That was quite an, um, interesting defensive speech, Mr. Nader.

Ralph Nader: Well, I’m quite grateful for the opportunity to be here, Tina. Everyone’s been so quick to label me and attack me, they never took the time to hear my side of the story. I really appreciate your gesture. As a matter of fact, I got you a little gift to show my gratitude. I hope you like it.

(Nader gives Tina a small jewelry box.)

Tina Fey (surprised): Wow, this is very nice. Thank you. (She opens the box and removes a pair of gold swastika earrings. She looks rather disturbed, but tries to remain tactful.) My, what a unique design.

Ralph Nader: Glad you like them. You know that’s an ancient symbol for good luck and prosperity. Quite a number of great men used that very insignia in their lives to bring about much needed change in our world…

Tina Fey (abruptly): Ralph Nader, ladies and gentlemen! (Nader walks off the stage. Tina looks at the earrings and holds them up to her earlobes.) Well, they are rather pretty. (She puts them in her pocket for later.)

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