The sketch -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 18:52:15 07/25/04 Sun
Author: DRG4
Subject: The sketch
In reply to: DRG4 's message, "Weekend Update Auditions Sketch" on 18:51:05 07/25/04 Sun

Weekend Update Auditions

...Lorne Michaels
...Tina Fey
...Chris Parnell
...Seth Meyers
...Will Forte
...Fred Armisen
...Rachel Dratch
...Amy Poehler

[SCENE: Studio 8-H; Lorne Michaels and Tina Fey are gathered at the Update desk]

Lorne Michaels: Okay, Tina, I know it's still the summer, but we really need to get a jump on auditioning people to take Jimmy's spot.

Tina Fey: Yeah, I know, but can't I just do it alone?

Lorne: No. Viewers like to see sexual tension between the anchors. You know, like Katie Couric and Matt Lauer, Dan Rather and Connie Chung, and Sam Donaldson and Cokie Roberts.

Tina Fey: Okay, if you say so.

Lorne Michaels: Then let's get going.

Tina Fey: (with enthusiasm) Here's our new anchorman, Chris Parnell! Chris?

[Chris Parnell wheels onto the Update set]

Chris Parnell: Thanks, Tina. Hi, America, I'm Chris Parnell. I've been on this show for six and a half years, but I'm very underrated. People say I'm this generation's Dan Aykroyd or Phil Hartman, but I never seem to get noticed, so hopefully this will do something for me career. Anyway, our top story tonight, John Kerry dressed up as the Addams Family character Lurch for a recent costume party. He then proceeded to imitate Lurch by acting cold and lifeless. (pause) How was that?

Lorne Michaels: Not bad, Chris. We'll get back to you.

[Chris Parnell leaves the set]

Tina Fey: (impressed) Yeah, he was pretty good. He brings a different energy than Jimmy.

Lorne Michaels: Yeah, but we can't give him the job. If he becomes famous and leaves, I'll have to find a new straightman, and you know how hard they are to come by.

Tina Fey: (agreeing) True, true.

Lorne Michaels: Next!

[Seth Meyers wheels onto the Update set, wearing Jimmy's Update outfit and a wig of Jimmy's hair]

Tina Fey: (surprised) And who are you supposed to be?

Seth Meyers: Greetings. I'm Seth Fallon...(quickly) I mean, Meyers. I'm Seth Meyers. (pause) It's nice to be here on Weekend Update. I'm so excited, I wrote a few songs about it. (pulls up a guitar from underneath the Update desk)

[Seth begins playing Avril Lavigne's "Don't Tell Me"]

Seth Meyers: (singing) Well, I...

Tina Fey: (interrupting) Okay, Seth, I think we've seen enough. Thanks.

Seth Meyers: Really? Okay, but...(starts laughing uncontrollably)

Tina Fey: (confused) What's so funny?

Seth Meyers: (continues laughing but manages to keep himself together) Oh, nothing. I just burst into laughter at the most random of times.

Lorne Michaels: (annoyed) Seth, if I had wanted to keep Jimmy, I would have blackmailed him with those photos I took of him and Derek Jeter sharing an...intimate encounter. Next!

Tina Fey: Here's our new anchorman, Will Forte! Will?

[Will Forte wheels onto the Update set]

Will Forte: (in a high pitched, squeaky voice) Thanks, Tina! The latest news in Iraq is that...

Tina Fey: (annoyed) Will, why are you screeching like that?

Will Forte: (still screeching) Oh, it's my... (stops screeching) It's my thing. I don't do "normal" characters, so I figured my Update persona should always talk (changes to the screeching voice) like this!

Tina Fey: Yeah, well, that's not gonna fly. Colin Quinn proved that people don't like Update announcers with weird voices.

Lorne Michaels: Next!

Tina Fey: Here's our new anchorman, Fred Armisen. Fred?

[Fred Armisen wheels onto the Update set]

Fred Armisen: Hello, Me am China-Max, ultimate Chinese comedian! Me so sorry that me tell jokes! Me mean no harm! In news of today, John Kerry...

Tina Fey: Fred, what is this supposed to be?

Fred Armisen: (surprised) Oh, it's my new Chinese comedian character. I didn't think Ferecito or Billy Smith would be appropriate for Update, so I created this guy. Isn't he great? (in China-Max voice) Me so sorry! (regular voice) That catchphrase is gonna take this country by storm!

Lorne Michaels: (throwing his hands up in the air) I give up! None of these guys are suited to do Update with you. I wonder if Kevin Nealon is still in that ditch I left him in...

Tina Fey: Wait, Lorne, I think I have an idea that'll work...

[SCENE: October 2, 2004. The new Update is about to begin]

[Cut to Tina sitting at the Update Desk alone]

Tina Fey: Hello, I'm Tina Fey. As you all know, my partner-in-crime, Jimmy Fallon, left the show this past May, leaving me here to anchor the news solo. Or did he? (laughs maniacally) Sorry. Anyway, I'm proud to introduce the new Weekend Update team and format! Don Pardo, give me that new voice-over and intro!

[The new intro begins]

Don Pardo VO: From Studio 8-H in Rockefeller Center, this is Three-Way Update, with Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, and Amy Poehler!

[Dissolve to the desk with the three women. Rachel is on the far left, Tina is in the middle, and Amy is on the far right]

Tina Fey: Welcome to Three-Way Update. I'm Tina Fey, that's Rachel Dratch, and this is Amy Poehler. Our top story tonight....

[Cut to a close-up of Tina Fey]

Tina Fey: (slowly/sensually) John Kerry dressed up....

[Cut to a close-up of Rachel Dratch]

Rachel Dratch: (slowly/sensually)...as the Addams Family character Lurch for a recent costume party.

[Cut to a close-up of Amy Poehler]

Amy Poehler: (slowly/sensually) He then proceeded to imitate Lurch by acting...

[Cut to a tight wideshot of all three anchors]

Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler: (slowly/sensually) Stiff!

[The three women laugh and begin playing with each others hair]

[Cut to Lorne Michaels standing off-stage]

Lorne Michaels: I think we have a hit on our hands. (turns to a stagehand) Take Nealon out back. You know what to do.

[FADE OUT]

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Replies:

pretty good (NT) -- pretty good, 21:30:29 07/25/04 Sun