Weekend Update Review -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 11:40:46 04/05/04 Mon
Author: JPIII
Subject: Weekend Update Review
In reply to: Patrick Lonergan 's message, "REVIEWS: Donald Trump 04/03/04" on 02:07:02 04/03/04 Sat

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories!

Told by a reporter that many Dutch people want to withdraw their troops from Iraq, President Bush responded, "I would ask them to think of the Iraqi citizens who don�t want people to withdraw, because they want people to be free."

In a related story, four American missionaries were killed in Iraq. I should add, however, that they were Southern Baptists.

Bush has said that ultimately the Dutch people must make the decision for themselves, saying, "No pressure. Remember when France didn�t want to participate? We didn�t give them a hard time, did we?"

THIS WHOLE JOKE IS WEAK. THERE'S NO CLEVER PUNCH LINE, NOR AN OBVIOUS ATTEMPT TO BE HUMOROUS. IT JUST SOUNDS LIKE A MESSAGE...AND SOME STEREOTYPING THROWN IN THERE FOR GOOD MEASURE.

Jimmy Fallon: Soun Ney, a Cambodian man, was hospitalized earlier this week when he castrated himself after having a dream where he was visited by four hungry spirits, and offered his penis to them as food. Cambodian psychologists analyzing Ney have compiled images of the spirits as based on his recollection.
(show images of Rock Hudson, Liberace, Paul Lynde and Montgomery Clift)

VERY ODD JOKE HERE...PROBLEM IS THE PUNCH LINE WILL NOT BE UNDERSTOOD BY MOST OF YOUR AUDIENCE, BESIDES THE FACT THAT IT'S VISUAL, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEND PICS.

Tina Fey: John Kerry said this week that America deserves a truthful leader. Kerry then disappeared to a telephone booth and re-emerged moments later unveiling his superhero alter ego �Truthful Leader Man�!

THIS WAS A NICE, COOL JOKE.

Ralph Nader announced that he would meet with John Kerry, next month, to discuss their plans to beat the current president in the November presidential election. The meeting between Nader and Kerry is expected to very boring.

BAD GRAMMAR AND A NEBULOUS PUNCH LINE KILL THIS ONE.

Jimmy Fallon: This week the U.S. Park Services met with the national government to discuss even further budget cuts to parks across the country despite the impending spring and summer season ahead. Park officials attribute their financial problems of the past couple years to the current economy, recent terrorist attacks, and a kleptomaniac bear.
(Shows a picture of Yogi Bear next to Jimmy)

THIS ISN'T BAD, IF NOT A LITTLE TOO WORDY. HERE'S ANOTHER CASE WHERE A PIC SENT WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE.

Tina Fey: Earlier this week, Pope John Paul II spoke to many young people in St. Peter's Square, saying that the church has to spread its faith out across our youth. The Pope later went on to say, "And if you don't start reading the bible I'll smack you upside the back of your head with my hat."

THIS ISN'T VERY CLEVER OR FUNNY. MAYBE IT WOULD BE IF DELIVERED, BUT I DOUBT IT.

Jimmy Fallon: And now, it is my great honor to present our guest on Update, Pope John Paul II.

Pope John Paul II: Hello, a Tina�hello, a Jimmy. It is a great a pleasure to a be a here in New York a City. I have a come all the way from the Vatican to address the audience of this a show�you call it �a Saturday Night a Live�. I am a here to address the viewers of the world. (Clears his throat) If you are going to be a catholic, you must a live by the rules of the Catholic Church. If you are not a going to be a catholic to hell you will a go.

If you are going to a catholic, understand a this, I do not a believe any kind of sport should be played on the day of worship, that a being a Sunday. Sunday is a day for the a lord and not whether or not a Tiger Woods can win a masters. Sunday is a day for the a lord and not whether or not Dale Earnhardt Jr. can beat out a Jeffery Gordon. Sunday is for the lord�and not a day for a rock can lay a so-called �smack down� on a �HHH�. Sunday is for the lord and not a day for a �George W. Bush� to attack a nation of tyrants with a �wmd�s� if he knows that they don�t have any. That is a just a stupidity! Thank you.

(The Pope slowly moved away from the Update desk)

Jimmy Fallon: Pope John Paul II, everyone.

SORRY, BUT THIS COMMENTARY IS RELATIVELY JOKELESS. GOTTA HAVE SOME FUNNY LINES HERE AND THERE TO MAKE THESE INTERESTING.

Tina Fey: Chinese veterinarians are hoping that the panda bear Hua Mei, formerly of the San Diego Zoo, will quickly mate with another panda. Because she was born in captivity, she has not had the opportunity to observe the natural state of panda copulation in the wild. Thus, the veterinarians have been giving her "sex ed" lessons by showing her video footage of pandas mating. If humans used this technique with their children, it would make sex ed a hell of a lot more interesting.

WORDY...AND NO CLEVER PUNCH LINE.

Michael Jackson said this week that he is planning a concert tour of Africa, because he wants to return to his roots. To which Joe Jackson commented, �Michael, your roots! Your roots! You grew up in Gary, Indiana!�

BOOORING!

Jimmy Fallon: Actor Tom Cruise and actress Penelope Cruz have officially broken up their relationship ending Hollywood�s most unorthodox pairing of a hot chick and a hot fag.

NOT CLEVER OR FUNNY.

Keeping with this �scratch your head� way of today�s Hollywood, Tom Cruise has been seen out on the town with the lieutenant governor of California, Cruz Bustamonte.

AT LEAST GET THE LT. GOV'S NAME RIGHT. SHEESH! BORING.

Tina Fey: At a press conference this past weekend, actor Jackie Chan bashed Taiwan's recent presidential election, calling it, "the biggest joke in the world." Adding insult to injury, Chan had to say the phrase �the biggest joke in the world� repeatedly because no one seemed to understand any of the words that were coming out of his mouth.

THIS WAS A NICE REFERENCE TO THE RUSH HOUR SERIES, ONE WHICH I DON'T REALLY CARE FOR, THOUGH. GOOD JOB ANYWAY.

M.A.S., �Mothers Against Shakira� was formed this week when a mother found nude pictorals of Shakira under her son, husband, and daughter�s bed while vacuuming the house. Either this is the case of a sick family, or Sharon Osborne has been house cleaning again.

I DON'T GET IT.

Jimmy Fallon: This week, MTV presented another installment in their coverage of the presidential election with a half hour program that allowed viewers to ask burning questions to John Kerry. MTV had tried doing this in previous election years, but every question asked to former President Clinton was answered with the question, �What are you wearing?�

OVERDONE.

Tina Fey: We here at Weekend Update wanted to do something very similar to this and we got John Kerry and President Bush to come the show and answer questions from members of our cast and our writers. However, President Bush apparently got lost on the way so, please welcome the guy who could be the next leader of the free world, Mr. John Kerry.

(John Kerry rolls on the update stage in a chair)

John Kerry: Thank you, thank you. It�s good to be here.

Jimmy Fallon: John, let me ask you the first question�should I make another comedy album?

John Kerry: (looks awkwardly towards Fallon) Jimmy, �The Bathroom Wall� was a great comedy album in it�s own way, so�I think you should�go ahead and make your next comedy album�but stop singing �idiot boyfriend� kind of songs! What are you�some kind of idiot?!

(Horatio Sanz walks on the stage)

Horatio Sanz: Mr. Kerry, let me ask you something�since Jeff Richards left the show, should I take over as �Drunk Girl�?

John Kerry: (looks awkwardly towards Horatio) Well�Horatio, I think that�s between you, your producer Lorne Michaels and the former Drunk girl, Jeff Richards. Personally, I don�t think it would be wise for you to do it, because you apparently always seem to have the �giggles� when you�re around Jimmy Fallon.

(Jimmy & Horatio start giggling together)

John Kerry: See what I mean. Get off the damn laughing gas and�and�stop ruining this dignified show!

Tina Fey: Mr. Kerry, I have a question.

(Horatio leaves the stage)

John Kerry: Tina, finally�a serious, professional humorous person. Please, ask your question.

Tina Fey: What do you think of Seth Meyers� impression of you on our show? Does he seem to be doing an impression Wesley Clark, instead of you?

John Kerry: Well, Tina�I think you are confusing the right with the�the�the extremely stupid! I can�t believe you would make such an idiotic comparison. That guy Seth Meyers is a golden god. I love his impression of me. I actually wish you guys would let him do that impression more often.

Jimmy Fallon: Mr. Kerry, I have another question. Do you use botox?

John Kerry: You know�I really wish people would stop asking that question. I thought this show was a little more dignified than that. I thought this show was better than fart jokes and penis jokes�and the overuse of the bitch like the word is going out of style. This interview is over!

(John Kerry rushes off the stage)

Tina Fey: Presidential Candidate John Kerry, ladies and gentlemen.

THIS COULD BE FUNNY...BUT I DOUBT IT.

In television this week, Ashton Kutcher's TV show "Punk'd" was picked up for another season by MTV despite reports that Kutcher himself made saying that the show was done and over with. Experts say Ashton changed his mind after seeing the title for his next movie "Dude, Where's my Career?"

THIS WAS VERY FUNNY. NICE WORK!

Jimmy Fallon: Japan announced recently that, due to low ticket sales and lack of interest in the franchise, the upcoming �Godzilla: Final Wars,� will be the giant lizard�s last outing for at least ten years, possibly forever. I was really saddened to hear this news. You see, I grew up watching monster movies and thus�

KNOCK KNOCK

Jimmy Fallon: What�s that noise?

Tina Fey: It sounds like someone is at the Update door. I�ll go and see who it is�

(Tina walks over to the door and shrieks as the giant head and long neck of a dragon enters into the studio)

Jimmy Fallon: Oh my God, it�s King Ghidorah!!!

(Tina races back to the desk as Ghidorah's head roars and snaps at her)

Jimmy Fallon: I�m really scared. We�ll be eaten alive unless we do something.

Tina Fey: Don�t worry Jimmy, Godzilla will protect us from danger.

(The camera closes in on Jimmy�s face as he wipes a tear from his eye)

Jimmy Fallon: No Tina�No he won�t. For Weekend Update, I�m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I�m Tina Fey.

(They scream �good night and have a pleasant tomorrow� as Ghidorah closes in on them)

THIS ENDING JOKE WAS INTERESTING...BUT I REALLY DON'T CARE FOR SNY WRITERS TO USE THE "UPDATE DOOR"...THAT'S SNL'S THING...DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

JPIII

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Replies:

Just a quick comment -- CCS, 09:17:55 04/06/04 Tue
- Did I? -- jennings, 11:38:36 04/06/04 Tue
  - Same principle... -- JPIII, 12:02:14 04/06/04 Tue