Here ya go... -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 18:23:56 04/08/04 Thu
Author: JPIII
Subject: Here ya go...
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "JPIII, I have a little request" on 13:17:04 04/05/04 Mon

Announcer... Don Pardo
Yassar Arafat... Chris Parnell

(open on a screen displaying the Palestinian flag)

Announcer: (in an Arabic accent) You are watching Palestinian Television. The following is an announcement by Chairman Arafat to the people.

(screen fades to reveal Yassar Arafat in his compound, sitting behind his desk, speaking on a cell phone. The camera zooms in for a close-up)

Yassar Arafat: (speaking on the phone) So you tried the ointment and it didn't help you? (Pause as he listens to dialogue). Okay, Habim, here's what I'd recommend. First, get a couple of sticks of dynamite, and tie them together to form a belt. Strap it around the area of the rash and attach a detonator. Then walk into a cafe in Jerusalem... (notices the camera on him) Call you back later. (Turns off his cell phone)

THIS STARTS THE PIECE OFF VERY WELL. YOU DEPICT HIM AS KEYED UPON HAVING OTHERS CARRY OUT SUICIDE MISSIONS SO MUCH SO THAT IT'S EVEN PART OF HIS MEDICAL ADVICE. IT'S ABSURD, AND IT WORKS WELL TO BEGIN THE SKETCH.

Good afternoon, my people. I am here to speak with you about the major issues facing us today. But first, I wanna give a shout out to all our noble freedom fighters out there. Whattup, boyz?! (starts pumping his hands in the air). Holla holla for my man Allah! (stops pumping his arms and begins chuckling) Oh, I've wanted to do that for so long. Now, onto more serious matters.

THIS SEQUENCE IS HIGHLY LIKELY TO ELICIT SOME LAUGHS FROM A CROWD OF TYPICAL SNL VIEWERS, BECAUSE IT'S SO DAMN FAMILIAR. HAVING ANYONE NOT BLACK OR HISPANIC TALK IN EBONICS IS A VERY OVERUSED APPROACH TO HUMOR, SO IN SOME WAYS, YOU'LL GET SOME LAUGHS FROM THE CASUAL FAN. HOWEVER, TO AN AMATEUR OR PRO WRITER, IT'S HARDLY RESPECTABLE. IT'S LIKE A CREED ALBUM...YEAH, IT'LL SELL A LOT, BUT TO SOMEONE LIKE ME, WHO OWNS 300+ CD'S AND KNOWS THEY'RE BORROWING FROM MUSIC THAT CAME OUT IN 1992, IT'S NOT VERY ORIGINAL OR SPECIAL.

First, the recent assassination of Shiek Yassin, the leader of Hamas. Let me begin by saying that I greatly condemned Yassin's tactics of targeting innocent civilians and hindering the peace... (breaks into laughter again) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I tried to get through that with a straight face but I couldn't. Ha ha! (calms down)

HERE'S ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT, BUT IT'S NOT NEAR AS BAD. SNL HAS HAD SO MANY POLITICAL FIGURES DO THIS SAME THING. A SPECIFIC EXAMPLE? DURING THE FEB. 28, 1998 EPISODE OF SNL, CLINTON, HUSSEIN, AND LEWINSKY HAD A CONVERSATION AND SEVERAL TIMES THINGS SUCH AS "I NEVER HAD SEX WITH MONICA LEWINSKY" OR "I'VE NEVER USED ANTHRAX AGAINST MY PEOPLE" (PARAPHRASED) WERE SAID, THEN EVERYONE WOULD BREAK OUT INTO LAUGHTER AT THE ABSURDITY. THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE, AND LIKE I SAID BEFORE, WHEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS IS VERY FAMILIAR, YOU'LL GET SOME LAUGHS, BUT IN ALL REALITY, IT'S HARD TO RESPECT FROM A WRITER'S STANDPOINT. I THINK THAT IN THE END, ORIGINALITY WINS OUT...SO TRY TO BE THAT MORE SO THAN ANYTHING ELSE. I DON'T ALWAYS SUCCEED IN DOING THIS...BUT I ALWAYS TRY.

Alright, Shiek Yassin, stuck in a wheelchair and totally blind, was taken out in an Israeli strike. Well, it's safe to assume that he couldn't see it coming. Eh? (He points to his eyes to indicate the pun) Okay, that's enough comedy for now.

THIS IS A FUNNY JOKE...I LIKE LITTLE REMARKS LIKE THIS. NICE WORK.

But the killing of Yassin was a tragedy, and it shows just what kind of people these Zionist invaders are. No regard for human life, willing to kill anyone, even those who cannot defend themselves, just to further their selfish goals. I take great offense to that, we started that practice years ago. I don't like it when other countries steal our schtick.

THIS IS GREAT! I LOVE HOW HE'S NOT EVEN DENYING IT...HE'S UPSET B/C THE ENEMY IS USING HIS UNDERHANDED TRICKS!

Next, we are being attacked by the international community because two young boys were stopped in recent weeks for attempting to carry out suicide bombing missions. We have been decried as monsters, that we don't value the lives of our children, that we consider them expendable in our campaign. Like I said earlier, we started this practice, this is just more proof. I'm already working on filling out a copyright infringement lawsuit against the Israelis. Problem is, all the lawyers in the region are our enemies, if you get my drift.

THIS IS ALSO EXCELLENT...BUT "CATCH MY DRIFT" ROLLS OFF THE TONGUE MORE THAN "GET MY DRIFT".

So, the world is bitching because two children, one of whom had mental problems, were recruited by the Al-Asqa brigade to blow themselves up. They were paid twenty-two dollars to carry out their missions of martyrdom. I am shocked and appalled at these actions. Why, why do you give them the money when they're going to blow themselves up? Come on, think people! Do you really believe they'll be able to spend it after they explode? Then you can't get it back because by then it's ash, and you're out twenty-two bucks. Also, what were you thinking recruiting a kid with mental problems, do you realy think they'll carry it out properly? At the checkpoint he even told the Israeli officers he had a bomb on him. Please people, think these things out.

I LIKE THIS APPROACH. THIS IS MUCH MORE ORIGINAL THAN WHAT SNL USUALLY DOES. HE'S ARGUING THAT HIS PEOPLE'S EGREGIOUS TACTICS AREN'T BAD BECAUSE OF HUMAN RIGHTS...HE JUST THINKS IT'S BAD PRACTICE. LOVE IT!

Since this is such a hot topic, I have collaborated with Al-Asqua to alleviate this problem. From now on, all potential suicide bombers below the age of eighteen will be required to take intelligence and aptitude tests, and will be trained to lie properly. They will also be taught that, when stopped at a checkpoint, you DO NOT tell the officers you have a bomb on you! It just ruins the whole operation.

THESE SUGGESTIONS ADD TO THE FUNNY YOU HAVE EARLIER. VERY GOOD WORK!

Finally, rather than a monetary payment for their operation, all young suicide bombers who pass their performance tests will receive eight packs of Yu-gi-oh cards for their services. (he produces a pack of the cards from his desk.)

THIS IS GREAT! HE COMPLETELY IGNORES HIS RATIONALE FOR GIVING OUT MONEY...THAT THEY WON'T BE ABLE TO SPEND IT WHEN BLOWN TO BITS...BUT THINKS THAT GIVING OUT SOMETHING THAT THEY COULDN'T PLAY WITH WHEN DEAD WOULD BE BETTER!

I know this hardly stands up to an eternity in paradise, but you have to admit the game is very fun. It is advised, though, that you get the most out of the cards before you do your job. Enter a tournament if you're sure you'll win, because you won't have a chance to compete again. Plus, it's good to get a little bit of practice in, the seventy-two virgins you'll get up there love this game, so they'll want a heroic martyr who knows how to duel properly. (He opens the pack of cards and shows one to the camera.) Look, Exodia. (He slips the card into his pocket)

NICE USE OF YOUR YU-GI-OH KNOWLEDGE.

Next, the Israeli government has just declared that they will now target all Palestinian terrorist leaders for assassination. I want to assure the people that we will not cave in to this empty threat, and we shall fight against them no matter what the cost. That being said, I wish to make an announcement.

As of today, I am hereby relinquishing my position as chairman of the Palestinian territories and bestowing them upon my wife, Suha. If any Israelis are listening out there, remember; SUHA ARAFAT is the leader now, not me, I'm out of this. I have full confidence in my wife's abilities. She is an expert in financial and political matters, and she should be able to run this country smoothly, even from her luxury apartment suite in Paris, along the left bank of the Seine, on Rue de (the rest of the address is cut out by the sounds of a low-flying plane overhead. Arafat looks upwards and appears quite nervous.)

THIS IS REMINISCENT OF SNL'S APPROACH TO CLINTON PRE-MONICA...HAVE HIM WISH THAT SOMETHING WOULD HAPPEN TO HIS WIFE. HOWEVER, I THINK YOU DO IT FOR DIFFERENT REASONS HERE, SO I WON'T SAY YOU'RE NOT BE ORIGINAL. IN FACT, I THINK THIS IS A GREAT APPROACH. VERY GOOD!

(nervously) Well, I'm afraid I must cut my address short. I am attending a conference on Muslim rights in, uh, Saudi Arabia, yeah, Saudi Arabia sounds good, so I must be going.

(He stands up from his desk and grabs two suitcases by his side.)

When I return to my land, I shall continue to fight for the rights of our people, I just won't be your leader anymore. That's my wife's job now, Suha's in charge. She lives in Paris, and can be found in her apartment almost all day, except between noon and four, when she goes out shopping or to lunch, in case you want to wait for her to return. She typically goes shopping at the Palais Royal. It's easy to pick her out. She's the blond Arabic woman carrying the "I hate Jews" Louis Vutton purse.

THIS IS ALL GOOD...HER EXACT LOCATION...THE PURSE...NICE!

(He grabs a plane ticket from off his desk and a travel brochure that reads "Barbados, a world beyond your wildest dreams")

I LOVE HOW WHERE HE IS GOING IS MADE OBVIOUS!

Allow me to end by saying to my people, continue the fight, we will obtain our freedom. Also, blasting caps and detonators are a lot cheaper when you get them from Half.com.

THIS MIGHT BE UNNECESSARY...NOT A BAD JOKE, BUT YOU'D NEED TO CUT SOME FROM THIS PIECE.

(A loud crash is heard as the cannon of a tank crashes through the right wall of Arafat's compound. The cannon lowers and aims right at his head.)

(frantically) Okay, I gotta leave. My wife is the leader now and she's in Paris. I�m not running the show anymore! Go after her! Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

NICE LEAD-UP TO LFNY...OVERALL, THIS IS A FUNNY PIECE THAT HAS SOME EARLY PROBLEMS WITH ORIGINALITY, AND IS JUST TOO LONG. SADLY, YOU'D HAVE TO CUT INTO SOME GOOD MATERIAL, BUT I PROMISE YOU, IF YOU WERE AN SNL WRITER, YOU'D HAVE TO CUT THIS THING DOWN BY AT LEAST 2 MINUTES...MAYBE EVEN MORE. SO, CONSIDER CO'S TO BE ABOUT 3 MICROSOFT WORD PAGES AT THE MOST, AND AIM FOR 2.

JPIII

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Replies:

Thanks for the rundown, JP -- Jim Bevan, 19:16:34 04/08/04 Thu