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Date Posted: 08:08:25 04/12/04 Mon
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Rewritten sketch, Schick Happens (please leave comments)
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Schick Razors" on 18:22:27 04/11/04 Sun

SCHICK RAZORS
Jim Bevan

Mr. Wilkins... Darrell Hammond
Mr. Naiguro... Fred Armisen
Ms. Okanashi... Maya Rudolph
Chris... Will Forte
Peter... Seth Meyers

(open on a clean, typical corporate hallway, complete with potted plant and water cooler. Mr. Wilkins, an American man, enters from the right, leading a Japanese man and woman to a door, Mr. Naiguro and Ms. Okanashi, respectively. All are dressed in elegant business suits. He stops at the door and turns to speak to them.)

Mr. Wilkins: I trust you're enjoying your tour of the company, Mr. Naiguro.

Mr. Naiguro (in a dignified Japanese accent): It is quite impressive, Mr. Wilkins. Your corporation demonstrates great determination and efficiency. This would be a fine acquisition.

Mr. Wilkins: I knew you wouldn't be disappointed, sir. Here at Schick we are dedicated to product excellence to provide our customers with the best shave possible. If I may inquire, sir, what interested you in purchasing our razor company?

Mr. Naiguro: For years, I have been a user of Schick razors, and they have always given me a wonderful shave. Look at my face, there is no stubble detectable at all!

Mr. Wilkins (leaning in to get a close look at Mr. Naiguro's face): Yes sir, very smooth. I should have been able to identify you as a customer, you have a real Schick-face.

Ms. Okanashi (also speaking in a dignified, Japanese accent): He speaks the truth. I know of my employer's grooming habits, and he gets Schick-faced every night. He loves the feeling of Schick against his skin.

Mr. Wilkins: Ms. Okanashi, I am so pleased to hear that. To know that our products are so well recieved by men of your employer's prestige is a wonderful feeling.

Mr. Naiguro: And what I find most enjoyable is that the blades are gentle against my skin, yet incredibly durable.

Mr. Wilkins: Yes sir, we make some tough Schick here. (He points to the door by his side.) Now if you'll follow me, you'll see the assembly room of our corporation.

(He opens the door and leads them into the assembly room where workers are at tables putting the razors together.)

Mr. Wilkins: Here is where all the Schick comes together. We use machinery to prepare the blades and mold the handles, but it's all put together by human craftsmanship. These men love getting their hands in all the Schick.

Ms. Okanashi: I trust they thoroughly wash their hands with soap afterwards.

Mr. Wilkins: Naturally, they wouldn't want to taint the quality of our products. They show great dedication towards their work, it's in their blood. You might even say they have Schick for brains.

(An assemblyman, Chris, looks up from his table and turns to the three.)

Chris (enthusiastically): You've gotta have a real love for this stuff, and I certainly do. I gotta tell ya, I'm pretty much full of Schick.

Mr. Wilkins: Glad to hear it, Chris. Say, what is that you're working on?

(Chris holds up a razor that he has been piecing together.)

Chris: These are prototypes for the new product lines we're trying to launch. (He holds his right hand forward.) This razor is designed to release a small concentrated cologne after it passes over the skin, leaving the user smelling wonderfully.

Mr. Naiguro: An impressive idea, they'll love the smell of Schick in the morning. (He sniffs the razor.) Ahh, now that's some good Schick. It would add quite an aroma to the washroom.

Chris (smiling): Glad to hear it. We even gave the handle a design that displays its intensity. Look, a bull.

Mr. Wilkins (shaking his head disapprovingly): Sorry Chris, but an animal like this doesn't really seem to fit a product of this nature. I'm afraid you'll have to cut the Bull-Schick.
(Chris looks dejected, Mr. Wilkins attempts to cheer him up) Hey, don't feel bad, you had a great idea. Just tinker with it a little, and you'll have some hot Schick ready for sale.

Chris (now in a cheerful mood): Gee, thanks boss. I was really upset for a minute there. I was so depressed, I was ready to swallow one of the razor blades.

Ms. Okanashi (to her employer): These men are obviously quite devoted to their work.

Mr. Naiguro: Yes, he was so upset over his error, he was ready to eat Schick and die. I wonder if he is part Japanese?

Mr. Wilkins: Well, I'm glad you're not going to kill yourself, but if you ate one of our blades, I bet you'd find it enjoyable; you'd probably die with a Schick-eating grin on your face. Ha ha! (he pats Chris on the shoulder). Keep up the good work boy, keep putting the Schick on the stick.

(Mr. Wilkins leads the prospective buyers away)

Mr. Wilkins (inquisitively): So, you've now seen the inner workings of our corporation, gotten a look at the men and women who work here, are you still impressed?

Mr. Naiguro: Yes, I still find it to be a great company, but I must voice some concern about this assembly room. The floors are kept in a great state of uncleanliness with razor bits scattered about. Everywhere I look I see piles of Schick just lying on the floor. (He is now slightly angry). It is utterly disgusting. I almost stepped in some Schick by the doorway. And I'm wearing Italian loafers, do you realize the mess that would make?

Mr. Wilkins (worried): I'm sorry, I am so sorry sir, our janitor has not been doing his job lately, he should have been down here to clean the floor with a scooper hours ago. I don't know if it's drugs or drinking or...

(Mr. Wilkins is interrupted when another employee, Peter, comes rushing in. He has an expression of shock on his face.)

Peter (frantically): Sir, sir, I have something to tell you.

Mr. Wilkins (irked): Peter, please. I'm speaking with important personnel.

Peter (still frantic): But sir, I have something to tell you. As we were getting some razors ready for shipment, the dolly broke a wheel and they were sent tumbling into an air-conditioning vent.

Mr. Wilkins: You mean...?

Peter: Yes sir, the Schick's gonna hit the fan.

(This news has made Mr. Wilkins quite nervous. Now sweating, he turns to face the Japanese buyers.)

Mr. Wilkins (fumbling for words): Uh, I'm afraid I have to tend to some important matters. Sorry this interruption had to occur, but I need to fix this little problem before the Schick starts flying. If you wouldn't mind relaxing in the lounge, I'll be with you as soon as I can. Oh, here, a little gift to make up for this. (He pulls some razors out of his pocket and gives them to the two.) Here, both of you take a Schick, on me.

(Mr. Wilkins rushes after Peter out of the camera's view)

(fade out)

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