Re: Bush answers his critics -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 18:10:10 04/29/04 Thu
Author: jafi.com
Subject: Re: Bush answers his critics
In reply to: jafi.com 's message, "Bush answers his critics" on 15:23:02 04/29/04 Thu

Bush Answers His Critics by Jafi.com

CAST
George W. Bush-Chris Parnell
Dick Cheney-Darrell Hammond
Condolezza Rice-Maya Rudolph
Bob Kerrey-Seth Meyers
Laura Bush-Amy Poehler
Herself-Lindsay Lohan

SCENE BEGINS WITH BLUE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL OVERLAY

Pardo V/O-Saturday Night Live will be interrupted at this time in order to bring you this important message from the President of the United States.

CUT TO PRESIDENT BUSH SITTING BEHIND HIS OVAL OFFICE DESK
CONDEE AND DICK ON OPPOSITE SIDES.

George W. Bush-(welcoming)-Good evening, my fellow Americans.

I, President George W. Bush, have taken time away from Lorne Michaels' Cavalcade of Whimsey tonight in order to bring you this important message.

As most of you know, this week I personally testified in private to the 9-11 commission about whether or not this White House did everything in it's power to prevent the horrible attacks of that day.

I answered every question the 9-11 commission threw at me with honesty and integrity.

Even the ones that I asked them to repeat because I didn't understand them the first time.

As most of you know, there were no recording devices allowed during my testimony to the 9-11 commission.

I knew that the forbiddence of such recording devices during my testimony may add fuel to the fire of "conspiracy theorists" and other "undesirables" in our country...like the DNC.

(pointing to Condee)-That is why I asked Condee here to secretly film my testimony to 9-11 commission using her own home video camera.

CONDEE HOLDS UP HER HOME VIDEO CAMERA

The reason this video was taken in the first place was not out of my own personal paranoia, but as a backup...
...just in case the sh*t really hits the fan in July.

But now, I have decided to show you this video...
that we have convieniently transferred to super 8 film...

BUSH HOLDS UP THE REEL OF HIS SECRET TESTIMONY TO THE 9-11 COMMISSION

To once again show that this White House has no skeletons in their closet.

(to Condee)-Condee, hook up this reel to the projector. It's home movie time!

(to Dick)-Dick, go get the screen set up.

Dick and Condee-Right away, sir.

CONDEE AND DICK LEAVE BUSHS SIDE TO PERFORM THEIR DUTIES

George-(to Dick)-Hey Dick! You want some popcorn while we watch the movie?

Dick-It's not microwave, is it?

George-No Dick. I learned my lesson from last time.
Bought a real popcorn popper just like the ones in the picture show.
I also got a cotton candy machine for Condee.

GEORGE OPENS UP A HIDDEN WALL PANEL TO SHOW A MOVIE THEATER POPCORN MACHINE
GEORGE SCOOPS OUT POPCORN FOR HIMSELF AND DICK
HE THEN OPENS UP ANOTHER WALL PANEL
AND SWIRLS COTTON CANDY FOR CONDEE
GEORGE HANDS THEM THEIR SNACKS
CONDEE AND DICK SIT DOWN ON A COUCH ACROSS FROM THE SCREEN
GEORGE STANDS BY THE SWITCH OF THE PROJECTOR

George-(to both Condee and Dick)-You know what guys?
If we get a second term...I'm gonna put in a funnel cake fryer.

Dick-Sounds good, Mr. President.

George-Hey Condee! It looks like you got something stuck in your teeth.

Condee-(opening her mouth to show a blob of cotton candy stuck in between her two front teeth)-Where sir?

George-(turning on the projector) Never mind.

GEORGE TURNS OFF THE LIGHT SWITCH AND
SITS IN BETWEEN DICK AND CONDEE ON THE COUCH

George-Condee, did you add any trailers?

Condee-(mouth full of cotton candy) Didn't have time sir.

George-Oh well. It takes time from the feature anyway.

THE FILM BEGINS TO ROLL
THE TITLE SCREEN APPEARS

"THE TESTIMONY OF GEORGE W. BUSH TO THE 9-11 COMMISSION"
"FILMED BY CONDOLEZZA RICE"
"DIRECTED BY GEORGE W. BUSH"
"EDITED BY GEORGE TENET"

George-I always wanted to direct.

THE FIRST SCENE BEGINS
GEORGE IS SHOWN SITTING IN FRONT OF 9-11 COMMISSION HEAD BOB KERREY AND THE REST OF THE PANEL

Bob Kerrey-Thank you Mr. President for joining us here today to give us your testimony.

George-No prob.

Bob-Okay, let's start with the first question. Mr. President, what was your honest first response to the Presidential Daily Briefing entitled "Osama Bin Laden determined to strike inside of the United States?"

George-(on film)-Well my first response was....

THE FILM BEGINS TO SPUTTER

George-(to Condee)-CONDEE! FIX THE PROJECTOR! IT'S GONE NUTS!

Condee-I'm on it sir!

CONDEE LEAPS TO HER FEET AND FIXES THE FILM

George-(on film)-...and that was my first response.

George-(to Condee) Good save girl! High-five!

GEORGE AND CONDEE HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER AS CONDEE SITS BACK DOWN

Bob-Okay sir, my next question to you is this, "When was the first time that anyone in your cabinet ever told you of the possibility that planes may be used as missles by terrorists?"

George-I personally believe that...

THE FILM THEN CUTS TO A ANIMATED 1960'S CONCESSION PROMOTION

(SINGING)
"LETS ALL GO TO THE SNACK SHOP...
LETS ALL GO TO THE SNACK SHOP...
LETS ALL GO TO THE SNACK SHOP...
TO GET OURSELVES SOME SNACKS!"

George-(angrily)-WHO THE HELL PUT THAT IN THERE?!

Dick- I'm sorry sir, I did. For nostalgia.

George-(still angry) Dammit, Dick! You've ruined my vision!

THE FILM THEN CUTS BACK TO THE FINAL QUESTION

Bob-(on film)- Finally sir...

Condee-That's quick. This isn't the director's cut, is it Mr. President?

George-No ma'am. We're holding that back for the DVD release.

Bob-(continuing his question)-...do you believe that your administration should be held personally accountable for not being ready for such an attack like the one on 9-11?

George-In my personal opinion...

THE FILM THEN SLOWS AND THE STICKS INSIDE THE PROJECTOR AND THEN BURNS UP

George-(screaming) AHHHHHHHHHHH! MY MOVIE! MY BABY! SOMEBODY PUT IT OUT!

LAURA BUSH THEN KICKS OPEN THE OVAL OFFICE DOOR AND FIRE EXTIGUISHES THE PROJECTOR

George-(to Laura)-Thank you baby. You saved my movie.

Laura-(putting down the extiguisher)-Speaking of movies, honey. The twins want to know if they can borrow some money to go see a real one.

George-Which one?

Laura-Something called, "Mean Girls", starring Lindsay Lohan...
...and here she is now.
Come in Lindsay.

LINDSAY LOHAN ENTERS THE OVAL OFFICE

Lindsay-Hi everybody! I was just on the White House tour!

Condee-That's great! What's your movie about?

Lindsay-It's about a clique of popular girls and how they run a suburban high-school.

Dick-I liked it better the first time when it was called, "Heathers."

GEORGE SLAPS DICK IN THE CHEST

Lindsay-You big silly. As long as your union, you can steal from each other.

George-(correcting Lindsay)-Ahem, Lindsay...If you want to steal someone elses idea, you call it a homage'.

Lindsay-Thanks, Mr. President. So who wants to go see my new movie "Mean Girls!"

George-Who wrote it?

Lindsay-Tina Fey did.

Everyone except Lindsay-(tapping their watches to the syllables and speaking at the same time)-Damn, look at the time. It's a little past OUR bedtime.
Lindsay, could you do us a favor and start the show.

Lindsay-Of course, I can.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

END

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