The Dennis Miller Show -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 11:54:45 05/05/04 Wed
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: The Dennis Miller Show
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "I need help with a sketch, anyone have suggestions?" on 11:52:45 05/05/04 Wed

THE DENNIS MILLER SHOW
Jim Bevan

Dennis Miller... Dana Carvey (guest appearance)
Holden Miller... Jimmy Fallon
Marlon Miller... Will Forte
Kofi Annan... Snoop Dogg

(music cues and the Dennis Miller intro cards flash on the screen. The flashes dissipate to reveal Miller [Carvey, dressed impeccably like Miller] at his desk, recieving the applause of his audience. Dennis reveals a few facial tics and spastic twitches.)

Dennis Miller (in a nasally, white Sammy Davis Jr. voice): Hey cha-chas, welcome back to the show. Gotta bit of sad news, my little monkey co-host is still in the animal hospital, but I wanna thank everyone out there for your sympathy and support. We all pray for his quick, full recovery, and I deeply regret taking him to see Van Helsing, it just opened up a Pandora's box in his brain. His attempt to stake Michael Moore by mistaking him as a creature of the dark was quixotic and poorly thought out, but perfectly justifiable. Unfortunately nature shows that a blue whale always has the edge over a light-weight primate, especially when said Baelinidarian just lost his footing after scarfing down a cheese and beef chalupa-pa-pa.

Before we move on, I would like to introduce tonight's special guest co-hosts, my own flesh and blood, Holden and Marlon Miller. Hell, they're not chimps, but they share about ninety-eight percent of their protein structures and their facial features are as close a match as I could find, so let's welcome 'em. Boys come on out!

(Dennis's "sons", Holden and Marlon, walk out onto the stage and are greeted with cheers and applause. They resemble Miller right down to a tee, with similar hair styles, very light goatees, matching suits, and frequent facial tics. Holden is taller than Marlon. They take their seats in plush chairs to the right of the desk.)

Holden Miller (in the same nasally voice): Thanks for the intro, popster, and I wanna take this time to thank you for naming me after the protagonist of a novel practically nobody's read and nearly every public school wants to use in their homages to Hitler's policy on revolutionary literature. Sheesh man, why'd ya do this to me, you got a fetish for reclusive authors who drink their own bodily fluids?

Marlon Miller (in another nasal voice, chuckling): Count your blessings, H-man. If dad had a chubby for Thomas Pynchon, you'd be going through life as Lot Forty-Nine. Ba ba bow bow, baby.

Holden (sneering): It's not like I have the only nom-de-fag, Marlon. You're sharing a moniker with a once-respected actor who's spent the last thirty five years disproving Darwinism, not to mention the youngest offspring of a brood that's spawned more horrible comedians than Improv Night at the Gulag. Based on that, I can tell you've got quite a prospective future ahead, bay-bee!

Marlon (bearing his fists): Oh, that's it, tough stuff. You're going down like Jenna Jameson on overtime! (The two get up and prepare to brawl, but Dennis steps in betwen and separates them.)

Dennis: Hey, hey, calm down, ya little koo-koos. Turn those amygdalas off and sit your asses down. You kids aren't fighting unless I get twenty-to-one odds. (His sons sulk in shame and return to their seats. Dennis looks at them in disdain). I swear it's like I'm moderating a debate between Martin Sheen and Paul Wolfowitz in the Colosseum, the Derringer corporation's provided them with fully loaded Colt forty-fives for rebuttals, and Octavius isn't giving us a meager thumbs down, we're getting a full middle finger dexlue special.

Okay, bopparinos, now onto the big stuff. For the past few weeks the U.N. has been reeling from revelations that some high-ranking dictator-philiacs took bribes from Iraq's deposed Piltdown Man of a ruler. While they were mimicing the three See No Evil monkeys, Professor Harold Hill Hussein was scuttling off with more than five billion in humanitarian aid for his people faster than Marie Curie after Pierre told her "Sorry honey, I forgot to put in the lead shield." Now, I don't wanna get off on a rant here, but it seems almost hard to believe that there was a time the United Nations actually stopped atrocities like this from happening, but I guess nowadays as long as you hate Americans and Jews you're like Salk's vaccine patients, totally immune. I tell ya, I'd sooner trust Brutus and Cassius to be my bodyguards than I would the U.N. to fight oppression and cruelty. Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Marlon: Geez Louise, daddy-o, their morals are about as twisted as Watson and Crick's first proposed model of the DNA structure, ya ya ya.

Dennis (looking at his son oddly): "Geez louise? Daddy-o?" Whatcha been doing, kid, channeling the spirit of Jack Kerouac with the goth kids after school? Anyway, we've got a special guest here to share his views on this international boiler room, the United Nations Secretary General and Supervisor of Inaction, the African Chamberlain, and I mean Neville, not Wilt, Kofi Annan.

(Dennis and his sons turn to the screen where a camera feed of Kofi Annan, sitting behind a desk in his office, appears.)

Kofi (with a slight African accent): My thanks to you, Mr. Miller, for inviting me as a guest and allowing me to clear up this disgraceful scandal.

(cut off here, what next?)

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