Dennis Miller skit... finished! -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 12:18:58 05/06/04 Thu
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Dennis Miller skit... finished!

Here's the final product, let me know what you think:

THE DENNIS MILLER SHOW
Jim Bevan

Dennis Miller... Dana Carvey (guest appearance)
Holden Miller... Jimmy Fallon
Marlon Miller... Will Forte
Kofi Annan... Snoop Dogg

(music cues and the Dennis Miller intro cards flash on the screen, the CNBC logo in the lower right-hand corner. The flashes dissipate to reveal Miller [Carvey, dressed impeccably like Miller] at his desk, recieving the applause of his audience. Dennis reveals a few facial tics and spastic twitches.)

Dennis Miller (in a nasally, white Sammy Davis Jr. voice): Hey cha-chas, welcome back to the show. Gotta bit of sad news, my little monkey co-host is still in the animal hospital, but I wanna thank everyone out there for your sympathy and support. We all pray for his quick, full recovery, and I deeply regret taking him to see Van Helsing, it just opened up a Pandora's box in his brain. His attempt to stake Michael Moore by mistaking him for a creature of the dark was quixotic and poorly thought out, but perfectly justifiable. Unfortunately nature shows that a blue whale always has the edge over a light-weight primate, especially when said Baelinidarian just lost his footing after scarfing down a cheese and beef chalupa-pa-pa.

Before we move on, I would like to introduce tonight's special guest co-hosts, my own flesh and blood, my sons Holden and Marlon Miller. They're not chimps, but hell, they share about ninety-eight percent of their protein structures and their facial features are as close a match as I could find, so let's welcome 'em. Boys, come on out!

(Dennis's "sons", Holden and Marlon, walk out onto the stage and are greeted with cheers and applause. They resemble Miller right down to a tee, with similar hair styles, very light goatees, matching suits, and frequent facial tics. Holden is taller than Marlon. They take their seats in plush chairs to the right of the desk.)

Holden Miller (in the same nasally voice): Thanks for the intro, popster, and I wanna take this time to thank you for naming me after the protagonist of a novel practically nobody's read and nearly every public school wants to use in their homages to Hitler's policy on revolutionary literature. Sheesh man, why'd ya do this to me, you got a fetish for reclusive authors who drink their own bodily fluids?

Marlon Miller (in another nasal voice, chuckling): Count your blessings, H-man. If dad had a chubby for Thomas Pynchon, you'd be going through life as Lot Forty-Nine. Ba ba bow bow, baby.

Holden (sneering): It's not like I have the only nom-de-fag, Marlon. You're sharing a moniker with a once-respected actor who's spent the last thirty five years disproving Darwinism, not to mention the youngest offspring of a brood that's spawned more horrible comedians than Improv Night at the Gulag. Based on that, I can tell you've got quite a prospective future ahead, bay-bee!

Marlon (bearing his fists): Oh, that's it, tough stuff. You're going down harder than Galileo's steel spheres! (The two get up and prepare to brawl, but Dennis steps in betwen and separates them.)

Dennis: Hey, hey, calm down, ya little koo-koos. Turn those amygdalas off and sit your asses down. You kids aren't fighting unless I get twenty-to-one odds.

(His sons sulk in shame and return to their seats. Dennis looks at them in disdain).

I swear it's like I'm moderating a debate between Martin Sheen and Paul Wolfowitz in the Colosseum, Derringer's provided them with fully loaded Colt forty-fives for rebuttals, and Octavius isn't giving us a meager thumbs down, we're getting a full middle finger dexlue special.

Okay, bopparinos, now onto the big stuff. For the past few weeks the U.N. has been reeling from revelations that some high-ranking dictator-philiacs took bribes from Iraq's deposed Piltdown Man of a ruler. While they were mimicing the three See No Evil monkeys, Professor Harold Hill Hussein was scuttling off with more than five billion in humanitarian aid for his people faster than Marie Curie after Pierre told her "Sorry honey, I forgot to put in the lead shield." Now, I don't wanna get off on a rant here, but it seems almost hard to believe that there was a time the United Nations actually stopped atrocities like this from happening, but I guess nowadays as long as you hate America and Israel you're like Salk's vaccine patients, totally immune. I tell ya, I'd sooner trust Brutus and Cassius to be my bodyguards than I would the U.N. to fight oppression. Of course, that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Marlon: Geez Louise, daddy-o, their morals are about as twisted as Watson and Crick's first proposed model of the DNA structure, ya ya ya.

Dennis (looking at his son oddly): "Geez Louise? Daddy-o?" Whatcha been doing, kid, channeling the spirit of Jack Kerouac with the goth kids after school? Anyway, tonight's guest is here to share his views on this international boiler room, the United Nations Secretary General and Secretary of Inaction Against Despotism, the African Chamberlain, and I mean Neville, not Wilt, Kofi Annan. Kofi, ya there?

(Dennis and his sons turn to the screen where a camera feed of Kofi Annan, sitting behind a desk in his office, appears.)

Kofi (with a slight African accent): My thanks to you, Mr. Miller, for inviting me as a guest and allowing me to clear up this disgraceful scandal.

Dennis: Glad to have ya with us, Kofi. Now, I think the question on all our minds is, how much was your take?

Kofi: Well, it was a percentage-wise cut, based on the annual amount of funds... (stops talking, a beat, then he clears his throat), I mean, I take great offense to your groundless allegation. I was completely unaware of this travesty, and did not know of any monetary misappropriations until weeks ago.

Holden: Yeah right, you expect us to belive that bunko? What are ya gonna tell us next, that the Doppler frequency shift is only a rise in pitch?

Dennis: Good comeback, son. Come on, Kofi, ya had to be in on this stuff, if not an active participant, than perhaps as the key catalyst, expiditing the transfer of these ill-gotten gains to the profiteers while remaining isolated in the whole corrupt reaction.

Kofi (slightly irritated): Mr. Miller, I do not need to say that these accusations are foolish and without merit. I would never involve myself in such a contemptible act, which allowed hundreds of thousands to suffer while I recieved hundreds of millions to live a life of luxury. It is completely absurd. I only take bribes on the billion dollar scale.

Dennis (pondering the situation): Well, at least you're going for the big leagues, bow ba bow bow baby. You're the Secretary General of the United frickin' Nations. Regular scandals are benath you, ya gotta go for the kilo-embezzlements. Okay, now what about your Undersecretary General, Benon Sevan. He ran the Oil For Food program, which was used to raise this monetary aid for the people of Iraq, for six years, and when the scandal breaks, he does a quick Eichmann impersonation and heads off to the land down under, where I imagine he'll use his ill-gotten gains to make sure that the women keep blowing and the men keep chundering.

Kofi (now very angry): How dare you insult Mr. Sevan in such a childish manner. He is a fine, upstanding individual, and would never commit such blatant crimes under my watch. This entire slew of allegations is nothing more than American retribution for our refusal to support their war campaign against Iraq.

Marlon: Yow, popster, this guy's full of more bull than the Augean Stables. How can you listen to this guy with a straight face?

Dennis: Proper training, Marlon. You forget I was on Saturday Night Live for six years of my life, and the crappy excuses for comedy they put on during my tenure has all but completely decimated my ability to express mirth. Alright Kofi, we gotta wrap this up. Ya have any more lies for your final defense?

Kofi (incredibly angry): Mr. Miller, you are a shameful example of a human being, and I cannot believe I even agreed to this travesty of a show simply to let you humiliate me. I wish I could remain here to further berate you for your irresponsible journalistic behavior, but I must prepare for a meeting on Monday to discuss Kim Jong Il's latest request for humanitarian aid.

Dennis: I can imagine that scenario, the entire council meeting focuses around two main questions, "How much is Kimmy using for his weapons and palaces while the lower classes starve?", and "How much is our cut to keep you in business?"

Kofi (scoffs indignantly): Good day, sir!

(The camera feed cuts out, leaving a static-filled screen.)

Dennis: All in all, a rather productive interview. Alright folks, after the break we'll be talking with Dan Brown, celebrated author of the great work "The DaVinci Code."

Holden: Hey father of mine, while on the subject of old Leo, ya seen the news about how the Mona Lisa's wearing down? It's crumbling faster than Weber's theory of a plebiscitarian leader democracy.

Marlon: Got that right, my philial friend. If the Louve doesn't act fast, Miss Mona will serve as a shining example of universal entropy. Hopefully some good will come out of the breakdown; people will finally see the negative effects of a low-carb diet, ha-cha-cha.

Dennis (looking at his sons oddly due to their comments): I tell ya, if this doesn't validate Mendel I don't know what will; this is a perfect example of genetic inheritance at work. Either that, or it's gotta be the Puppy Chow. We'll be right back, my little schlemeels.

(the camera pulls back to show the Millers waving to their applauding audience)

(fade out)

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Replies:

Augh, sorry, I pasted the skit before starting a reply -- Jim Bevan, 12:27:13 05/06/04 Thu