Re: An Address From Former President Bill Clinton -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 23:10:27 05/12/04 Wed
Author: the writer
Subject: Re: An Address From Former President Bill Clinton
In reply to: Mark Jennings Reese II 's message, "An Address From Former President Bill Clinton" on 23:09:14 05/12/04 Wed

�An Address from Former President Bill Clinton�
Written by Mark Jennings Reese II

Bill Clinton�Darrell Hammond

(Fade in)

Don Pardo: Saturday Night Live, normally seen at this time, will be delayed so we can bring you the following special address from the former President of the United States, Bill Clinton.

(Camera fades to President Clinton sitting in a Lazy Boy recliner in his recreation room)

Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. I have asked the networks to air my address so that I can talk to�America. Now, I will be speaking to you in a very causal way because�I am here in my Lazy Boy recliner�and I am feeling good.

First off, I�d like to give a shout out to Jessica Simpson for just a second. Hey Jessica, you take my breath away. Baby, whenever you are ready to leave the douche bag husband Nick Lachey, let me know. I�ve got something to give you�let�s just call it my �big willie style�! And hey Nick, I don�t think you are a douche bag�whenever you want to share that hot slice of pootie tang, let�me�know!

Oh, hey Paris Hilton, you still haven�t returned any my calls. What�s the deal? Don�t be hatin� on the ex-prez!

Okay, on a more serious note, this week I gave my memoirs to the publishing company who will be putting out my memoirs as a book called, �My Life�. Now America, my address tonight is my little attempt to �scare up� some publicity for my book. In just a moment, I will give you what we call in the book world, a teaser. Now, understand this book will not be release until next month, but I figured since the book is done, why not give the people a teaser.

Here, in my hands, I hold the very first copy of my book. See the cover? It�s me�I got a great big smile on my face! You know why? I was getting a really great hand job when they took the picture! (Shows the cover of the book again) My book is called �My Life�. To the Republican Party, my wife Hilary and any other �nay Sayers�: I don�t care what you say anymore, this is my life. Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone.

(Audience applauds Bill�s reference to Billy Joel�s My Life)

Thank you. Now, here is a teaser from my memoirs.

Page 231. I was working on my health care plan, when all of a sudden, Miss America walked into the oval office. She climbed atop my desk and proceeded to take off her underwear. She then �spread eagle�. She then said, �Hungry, Mr. President?�

That is so hot! To find out the rest, you are going to have to buy the book.

More? Page 442. I had just finished my conversations with vice president Al Gore and the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Gore stood in the shadows of the oval office, as Jesse was about to bring his new girlfriend into the office. She was stunning. She looked just like one of the chicks from �Salt-N-Papa�. The one with the really big ta-ta�s! Al Gore turned off the lights. Jesse ordered her to take off her clothes. She did. Seconds later, Gore began to moan and then proceeded to leave the room. Al Gore was a premature ejaculator. That�s something I had never known, until just then. Jesse and his black beauty then laid on top of my desk and made passionate love, yet at the same time, it was dirty and rough sex. She came, then he came, then she came again and then I finally came. I turned the lights back on. Jesse and the woman began to catch their breath. I then asked her, �What�s your name?� She then said, �I�m one of the chicks from Salt-N-Pepa. You know, the one with the really big ta-ta�s.� I began to laugh. Jesse and the woman began to make love again. We all climaxed that the very same time. It was a thing of beauty. When we climaxed, we all yelled out, �Live from New York, its Saturday Night!�

(Fade to opening credits)

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