You thought I was done -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 23:19:09 05/25/04 Tue
Author: but you were mistaken - here's to a great season!
Subject: You thought I was done
In reply to: (8)Drum Roll(8) 's message, "And now, Jen's best of 2003-2004" on 23:05:26 05/25/04 Tue

Rather than select an update WU I put together my favorite jokes and commentaries. It's really long but that's what happens when you take 20 updates and compress it into one.

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I'm Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I'm Tina Fey. Here are tonight's top stories!

Jimmy: According to a study published on Monday, a British scientist has calculated that the optimum thickness for a slice of cheddar cheese be at least 2.8 mm thick in order to make the perfect cheese sandwich. Meanwhile, 40 more people died of AIDS this week. (Timberlake)

A bake sale protesting affirmative action was held at a Texas University last week where cookies were sold at reduced prices to minorities. The sale made only $1.50 as rumor spread quickly that the cookies were tainted with raisins. (squinting) Or does that say racism? Either way they sucked. (Black)

A Catholic cardinal, who believes condom use is like playing Russian roulette, wants to place mandatory health warnings on condom packets. The warnings will read: �Choking Hazard � Keep away from small children.� (Berry)

Tina: California Governor-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger will reportedly hire a private investigator to independently look into allegations of sexual harassment levied against him during his campaign. Schwarzenegger denies the charges and believes that the investigation will get to the bottom of things...just like a good grope. (Roddick)

Now that David Letterman has become a father for the first time at Age 56, it has sparked much debate as to whether or not he's too old to begin raising a family. Here to present their opposing perspectives with a Point/Counterpoint, are Weekend Update correspondents and resident Siamese Twins, Gary & Paul Forrestor.
(Will Forte and Fred Armisen)

[ camera pans to Tina's right to reveal Siamese twins who look somewhat like one bulky man, but with two heads side-by-side ]

Paul Forrestor: Thank you, Tina. First of all, allow me to doff my cap to Mr. Letterman and his girlfriend, and to offer my congratulations on their bundle of joy. While, certainly, I would never choose to embark on fatherhood past the age of 36, I admire Dave's passion and excitement for this new phase of his life.

Gary Forrestor: Well, I have to disagree. Frankly, the entire thing disgusts me! It's bad enough that Mr. Letterman and his girlfriend are having sexual relations outside the realm, but to then bring a baby into the world with joyous celebration is deplorable.

Paul Forrestor: Oh, lighten up, Gary! It wasn't a planned pregnancy.

Gary Forrestor: Oh, well.. then, I guess that makes me the jerk. Let's shoot me down for believing in planned parenthood and the sancity of marriage!

Paul Forrestor: We're not here to debate premarital sex, we're discussing whether or not we feel David Letterman is too old to become a parent at this stage in his life. Maybe you wouldn't be so appalled about the situation if you had the means to achieve a normal sex life.

Gary Forrestor: I meet plenty of women, thank you very much! Still, I think Mr. Letterman is too old to start having children now!

Paul Forrestor: You know what, Gary? I think you're jealous.

Gary Forrestor: Jealous.. of what?

Paul Forrestor: Jealous that, even on the few occasions that I have seen you have sex, you never reached your full potential. You either reached orgasm too early, or you fell completely limp halfway to the finish line. My jaw would drop in shock if you ever managed to get a woman pregnant with the blanks you've been shooting.

Gary Forrestor: What are you trying to say?

Paul Forrestor: I'm saying the scorecards speak for themselves. You've sired no children; meanwhile, I've got four little bastards running around from four different women. Give me a call when you make just one, and then we can talk turkey.

Gary Forrestor: Now, wait just a darn minute! We share the same penis, so those babies are half mine!

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, that's just gross! Does Gary think you two had sex with each other?

Paul Forrestor: Ignore him, Jimmy. If he was any good at Math, his multiplication skills would speak for itself!

Gary Forrestor: [ angry ] My subtraction skills are pretty good! Maybe you'd like to see what happens when 2 become 1! [ waves his fist ]

Paul Forrestor: Oh, bring it on! I've been meaning to lose 90 pounds before Christmas!

Gary Forrestor: You wouldn't know what to do with 90 pounds!

Jimmy Fallon: [ laughing ] What? That doesn't even make sense!

Gary Forrestor: You stay out of this, Jimmy! I'm not afraid of him, and I'm certainly not afraid of you!

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, is that right? Well, let's see about that.

[ Jimmy steps in and punches Gary in the face ]

Paul Forrestor: Hey, stay out of this, Jimmy! No one, but no one, beats on my brother except me! [ punches Jimmy in the gut ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ infuriated ] Hey, you want it?!

Gary Forrestor: I don't need you to pick my battles, Paul! Stay out of it! [ punches Paul in the face ]

Paul Forrestor: That's it! I'm going to make you wish you never did that!

[ Gary, Paul and Jimmy shove their arms into one another's faces, in bizarre pretzel fashion, until Tina jumps in to separate the three of them ]

Tina Fey: Siamese Twins Gary & Paul Forrestor, everybody! (Roddick)

Jimmy: Gary Kasparov has lost game two of his chess competition versus the computer known as X3DFritz. When asked to comment on it's victory the computer simply hummed softly. Cocky bastard. (Baldwin)

British researchers, studying the effects of music on restaurant patrons, found that when listening to classical music people were inclined to spend more on their meals. The research also shows that while listening to Kenny G, diners were more inclined to stab themselves in the eye with a cocktail fork. (Timberlake)

Tina: Scott Peterson's defense team will be giving their closing statement soon, where they are expected to say Peterson's late pregnant wife died from a fall down the stairs. According to defense attorneys, she hit the bottom step with such force that she bounced into San Francisco Bay, where she was later found over 40 miles away. (Black)

Roy Horn of the famous Las Vegas magic duo Siegfried and Roy was attacked by his tiger during a live performance last week. This marks the first time he has ever had a pussy in his face. (Timberlake)

In a recent interview Britney Spears suggested, through a hand gesture, that her ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake had a small penis. Here to discredit this suggestion is Justin Timberlake's very own grandmother. (Rachel Dratch)

Grandmother: Thank you Tina Fey. Hello everyone I'm Justin Timberlake's grandmother. I helped raise him and I want everyone to know that, that boy has one hell of a salami in his pants. If you don't recall, Miss Spears said, "I'm just a little bitter about the breakup" and then she held up her two fingers like this (holding up thumb and forefinger with small space in between) to suggest that my grandson's penis was only this big. I mean come on. Maybe my grandson's penis seemed so small because Miss Britney's mouth is so darn big! (pause) I was referring to oral sex. I hope I didn't offend you, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: Uh, no not at all.

Grandmother: Good. Now, not only does my grandson Justin Timberlake not have a small penis but he in fact has a very large penis. Let me show you. (to Jimmy) Give me your arm. (grabbing Jimmy's arm. With one hand on elbow and one on wrist) You see here, it's at least this big. No wait, Jimmy give me your leg. (grabbing Jimmy's leg) There we go, that's better. My grandson, Justin Timberlake's penis is about that big. (with one hand on knee and the other on ankle) Right there. (to Jimmy) You have very firm legs. (Jimmy lowers his leg).

Tina Fey: Okay, well that was very nice of you to come here and explain that to us...even though I'm sure some of us are wondering how exactly you would know that.

Grandmother: Oh gosh, I can't count the number of times I've walked in on him while he was pleasuring himself. (imitative) Close the door, close the door. We should really get a lock for that door. (to Jimmy) Between you and me, I'm not sure what he sees in that slutty CNN anchor. To each his own, I guess. Pun intended, ha ha! (Grandma's cell phone rings) Sorry, one second. (on phone) Hello? Oh hi, dear, I was just...what do you mean embarrassing you? I'm doing what you told me to. What? I had to say something. Okay relax, "tiny", don't get your knickers in a knot I'm leaving now. Bye bye, honey. (hangs up phone) Wrong number. (awkward pause) Oh and stop sending my grandson those penis enlargments e-mails, he doesn't need them!

Tina Fey: Justin Timberlake's grandmother everyone. (Sharpton)

A reported 17.1 million viewers tuned into to see Trista Rehn, star of "The Bachelorette" marry Ryan Sutter on ABC earlier this week. If you thought the wedding was great, just wait until you see their bitter divorce scheduled for sometime during May sweeps. (Wood)

Russell Arons, vice president of marketing at Mattel, announced Wednesday that Barbie & Ken have broken up after 43 years together, yet will remain friends. Arons said the break-up was prompted by the release of Cali Girl Barbie, who has already attracted a new admirer, Blaine the Australian boogie boarder. Thanks for the news, Russell. And all this time we thought it was Ken who was gay. (Barrymore)

Arons hinted that the separation may be partially due to Ken's reluctance to get married - but it may also have to do with the fact that Mattel forgot to give Barbie a vagina. (Barrymore)

Jimmy: Following President Bush's proposal of a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, Rosie O'Donnell and her female companion retaliated by flying to San Francisco to exchange nuptials. Determined to put O'Donnell in her place once and for all, President Bush proposed a new constitutional amendment this week, banning gay suicide. (Firth)

Here with a comment on latest goings-on at McDonald's, is Health correspondent Kenan Thompson.

Kenan Thomson: Thank you, Mr. Jimmy. Apparently McDonald's is getting rid of their super sized fries because they're too good of a deal. What the hell? This is a nasty precedent people. The next thing we know 7-11 will get rid of the big gulp because it's too good a deal. Where will that leave us? On a street corner with a small overpriced french fries and a sensibly sized gulp. Add in a T-shirt that reads "My name is Dingus McGee" and I think the picture is complete. We gotta fight this people. This is not the way.

First off, whose fault is all of this any ways? I'll tell you whose fault it is, it's skinny people's fault. Why don't you all just shut the hell up and eat your little soy products and let the rest of us alone? For your information skinny people, all that money I was saving with super-sized french fries was going towards a gym membership. Oh well, nice dream but it had to hit the street because of little skinny people looking out for me, I guess. Skinny people saying "Hey McDonald's, your french fries are making America fat." Idiots! McDonald's is still gonna be selling just as many fries as it was before only they'll be making more money on them. Now, if McDonald's really wants to help people lose weight they can start by closing drive-thrus. At least then people would have to walk a bit to get their food. After closing the drive thrus, they can take it further and install treadmills by the tills. If you're too out of breath to finish your order you know you're ordering too much. It's called fast food right? Well all right then, you better move fast if you want to get it.

So in conclusion, never say no to good value, skinny people are stupid and exercise is the answer. I'm Kenan 'Super-sized' Thompson. Thank you. (Firth)

This week the U.S. Park Services met with the national government to discuss even further budget cuts to parks across the country despite the impending spring and summer season ahead. Park officials attribute their financial problems of the past couple years to the current economy, recent terrorist attacks, and a kleptomaniac bear.
(Shows a picture of Yogi Bear next to Jimmy) (Trump)

Tina: In political news this week, President Bush admitted that he and his staff did not have the proper information available to prevent 9/11. When Bush was later asked by the press if he still believed there needed to be a bill outlawing same sex marriage, he said, "Silly voters, penises go in the vaginas." (Jackson)

According to Finnish researchers, eating chocolate during pregnancy can have a positive impact on a newborn baby's behavior. However, eating chocolate mixed with peanut butter will spawn evil offspring from Hell. (Jackson)

Jimmy: Robert Downey, Jr. announced this week that he would be ending his marriage to actress Deborah Falconer, his wife of 12 years. He says he wants to return to his first love: nose candy and hookers! (Lohan)

A new study has shown that book sales have dropped dramatically over that last year. The study blames the drop on.. (awkward pause) Well I didn't quite finish reading the whole article. It was kind of long. (shuffling papers) I'm pretty sure it'll be on tape or something soon. I'll let you know. (Olsens)

Hollywood movie studios traditionally load the holiday movie season with costume dramas and other high-minded Oscar bait. But sometimes there's also room for some rip-roaring action flicks too, like the John Woo thriller Paycheck. Here to speak about Paycheck is its star, Ben Affleck.

[Affleck approaches the Update desk with hesitation on his face and a mid-sized duffel bag in one hand. He looks like he's somewhat dazed.]

Tina Fey: Ben, are you alright?

Ben Affleck: I, I'm not exactly sure, Tina. Your name's Tina, right?

Tina Fey: Yeah, Tina. What's wrong Ben?

Jimmy Fallon: And why do you have that duffel bag?

Ben Affleck: I don't have good answers either way. I mean, I know who I am: Ben Affleck, Oscar-winning co-writer of Good Will Hunting and rising star of films like Armageddon, Forces of Nature and Boiler Room.

Tina Fey: Right, plus a few movies made THIS decade: Bounce, Changing Lanes? Pearl Harbor ring a bell?

[Ben Affleck looks at Tina blankly, then shakes his head no.]

Jimmy Fallon: Let me get this straight, you starred in one of the biggest bombs in movie history, but you don't remember anything about it?

Ben Affleck: [defensively] Hey now, lay off of Reindeer Games! Sure it didn't win any awards, but it opened to decent dead-of-winter numbers, more than $8 million its first weekend.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah that's right. So how about seeing what's in the duffel bag?

Ben Affleck: You're right, maybe I'll find some clues about the time I can't remember.

[He opens the duffel and starts sorting through its contents.]

Ben Affleck: Lot of stuff in here, I think about 19 items in all. Let's see... some kind of leather mask [pulls out the red hood from Daredevil]... a plush toy of an anaconda, wearing lipstick for some reason... a jewelry store receipt?! "Diamond engagement ring, imperial cut, sold for" -- holy crap, that's a lotta zeros!

[Jimmy reaches into the duffel and pulls out a hot-pink latex mold of a woman's butt. He sets it on the Update desk with an exaggerated THUD.]

Jimmy Fallon: And how about this one, big guy?

Ben Affleck: I haven't the foggiest idea. [reads the gift tag attached to it.] "Something to remember me by, love, J. -- P.S., caress my lower left check for a surprise." Great, another surprise.

Jimmy Fallon: Hang on, I think I see it. [He flips a switch, and the mold starts softly vibrating.]

Tina Fey: Jimmy, how did you know --

Jimmy Fallon: Um, there was this ad on the Travel Channel.

Ben Affleck: Wait you guys, there's another clue [holds up a brass-bracketed movie script.] "The Sum of All Fears" -- hey, I read this one, it's good. Based on a Tom Clancy novel. I remember my agent got me an audition for Jack Ryan...

Tina Fey: News flash, Ben: You got the part, it hit the screens over a year ago, and the DVD has some nifty extras.

Ben Affleck: But wait, there's a photo inserted into the script... it's an exotic brunette woman, kinda Spanish-looking... hey, is that Salma Hayek?

[Jimmy pulls out a handheld "stun gun" and zaps Affleck with it. Bzzzzzzzzzt!]

Tina Fey: Jimmy, what the hell did --

Jimmy Fallon: Don't worry Tina, there's no permanent damage. [motions for some burly NBC pages.] This is how Ben wanted it, to spare him the unending pain of remembering. [to pages:] Take him away boys, and lose that pesky duffel bag.

Tina Fey: Unconscious Ben Affleck, everybody. (Wood)

Pamela Anderson became an American citizen this week saying she felt it was important that she be able to vote. She added "It's important that everyone in this country votes. We have to make sure that what happened to Laytoya London doesn't happen again." (Olsens)

An independent group of scientists have reported that they do not believe that the planned missile shield over North America will work effectively. They reached this conclusion through years of testing done with a minature version of the shield placed inside Kelly Ripah's vagina. (Olsens)

Jimmy: A German bar has initiated a new "Kindergarten for Adults" program. It's a big hit with women because they can drop off their spouses for a relaxing day of shopping. It's a big hit with men because of the hookers. (Timberlake)

The school district of Paris, Texas has apologized for a recent performance in which a marching band played an Adolf Hitler anthem and waved a Nazi flag. They did add, however, that the book-burning was a big hit with students and will be repeated next year. (Black)

Patrick Dalzel-Job, the British war hero who was Ian Fleming�s inspiration for James Bond, died this past week at the age of 90 when the slow-moving platform he had been strapped to since 1988 finally entered the shark tank. (Berry)

For weekend update, I�m Jimmy Fallon,

And I�m Tina Fey! Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

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