Sketch: Diner Politics -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 15:56:30 05/27/04 Thu
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Sketch: Diner Politics
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Skit for the summer episodes" on 15:54:03 05/27/04 Thu

DINER POLITICS
Jim Bevan

George W. Bush� Will Forte
Dick Cheney� Darrell Hammond
Waitress #1� Amy Poehler
Waitress #2... Maya Rudolph
John Kerry� Seth Meyers

(open on a typical truck-stop greasy spoon diner: booths covered in tacky tablecloths, a bar set up before the kitchen with patrons sitting on stools, cheesy 60s music emanating from the jukebox, and the sizzle of meat heard from the kitchen. The camera pans around the diner until it focuses on a dimly-lit booth where President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are sitting, a glass of water and soda on the place settings before each of them. Cheney is sipping on a soda while Bush is looking over the menu. After a few seconds, Bush looks up from the menu and waves to a somewhat sluttily-dressed waitress as she passes by.)

George W. Bush (motioning towards the waitress): Yeah, uh, excuse me, ma�am. I�m ready to order. (The waitress comes over.) Yeah, I�ve thought it over, and I�m in the mood for an itchy labia with some jalapeno sauce to spice it up. Nothin� I love better than a spicy hot itchy labia.

(The waitress slaps him on the cheek in disgust and storms off. As Bush nurses his pain, Cheney sighs and rolls his eyes.)

Dick Cheney (exasperated): Sir, how many times do I have to tell you? They pronounce it �inch-ee-lah-duh.� Honestly, I thought you were only a �tard when it came to the English language, not Spanish.

George W. Bush (apologetic): Gee, I�m sorry Dick, it�s just things have been goin� so rough for me I don�t know where my mind is. Like all this month I�ve been doin� everything to straighten out this gay marriage mess, then last night I walk in on my little girl Babs readin� her latest Vogue, and I pray I heard her wrong, but I could have sworn that she said, �Damn, that girl is hot.� I tell ya, that�s just a frightening thought, having a lez as a daughter. (Cheney looks at his boss with some disdain. Bush gets a nervous look on his face.) Uh, no offense, man.

Dick Cheney: None taken, sir. I can imagine quite a number of stressors are affecting you, but you have to put them aside and focus on your campaign or you�re ruined. Now, after we�re done here, we�ll drive down to Chesapeake where you�re scheduled to make a speech at Atlantic Industrial Control. Did you read over the copy of the speech? (Bush gives him a �what do you think� look, and Cheney groans.) Of course, why did I even bother asking. Anyway, your speech entails three main topics: you�ll start off by detailing how the administration has successfully handled the threat of international terrorism, then you�ll segue into how the economy is rebounding and how you will continue to make our country prosper under a second term, and you�ll end by explaining to the plant employees why it�s good that their jobs are being sent to India. Sound good? (Bush gives him an �OK� hand gesture)

(A blonde waitress comes up to the table with a pad and pencil in her hand.)

Waitress #1: Are you two gentlemen ready to order?

George W. Bush: Yup, I�ve been ready for about six minutes, and I�ve got a real craving for an itch�

(Cheney reaches over and places his hand over Bush�s mouth.)

Dick Cheney: He�ll have a chicken cheese-steak with extra mushrooms. As for me, I�m still undecided. What are your specials?

Waitress #1: Well, we have quite a few brunch specials available. We have a delicious bacon and eggs platter; six strips of bacon grilled to a crisp with fried eggs. There�s a succulent ham and cheese sandwich� (she fails to notice Cheney is mildly moaning and clutching his chest). Oh, today we have spare ribs for twenty percent less. They�re dripping with barbecue sauce, cooked and simmered� (Cheney is moaning even harder now)

Dick Cheney (panting): Huh, huh, huh� uh, miss, does this (gasp), this diner have one of those defibrillator pads? You know, I heard a lot of businesses are putting those in (gasp) nowadays.

Waitress #1: Right near the men�s bathroom, sir. (she points out the direction. Cheney jumps up and rushes off to the defibrillator.) I�ll be back with your cheese-steak in a moment, sir.

(Bush resumes reading the menu as the waitress casually walks off to get Bush�s order, and the camera follows her away from the table as she passes before the bar. It stops on the back of one well-dressed customer, sitting on a stool at the bar. The camera angle shifts to show that the customer is Senator John Kerry. A waitress from behind the bar approaches him and sets down a cup of coffee before him.)

Waitress #2: Here�s your Folgers decaf, sir. No sugar, just as you asked.

John Kerry (looking at the cup with disdain): No, no, I�m afraid you�re mistaken miss. My order was for a regular Maxwell House with no milk and three scoops of sugar.

Waitress #2 (confused): Sir, I distinctly heard you order a decaf.

John Kerry (sternly): Listen, I ordered the decaf without sugar� before I ordered the regular with sugar.

(The waitress shrugs her shoulders)

Waitress #2: Fine, I�ll fix your coffee. (She turns to leave, but is stopped when Kerry speaks.)

John Kerry (pouring on the charm): You know, if I�m elected, I will work my hardest to raise the minimum wage for the working classes.

(The waitress turns around, intrigued by this prospect.)

Waitress #2 (interested): Really? (Kerry nods, and the waitress becomes overjoyed) Well that�s great! I don�t want to sound sappy, but that would mean so much to me! My husband just left me, and I have two little kids at home, and every extra dollar makes such a difference! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, sir!

John Kerry: Oh, don�t thank me, it�s my pleasure. (the waitress again turns to leave, but stops again when Kerry resumes talking.) Of course, with a raise in your wages, your taxes will increase substantially.

Waitress #2 (shocked, with a very confused look on her face.): What???

John Kerry (dismissively): I know you may be upset now, but once you�re privileged, you�ll soon understand that such sacrifices are necessary to benefit those less fortunate than yourself.

(The waitress gives Kerry a nasty �F-you� look and heads back into the kitchen. As he swirls a stir-stick in his coffee, his eyes wander and he spots Bush sitting at his booth. Getting up from his stool, Kerry walks over and positions himself behind Bush, who is reading through the menu trying to make a selection.)

John Kerry: Try as hard as you want, Dubya, I don�t think you�ll be finding any weapons of mass destruction in the dessert menu.

(Kerry begins to chuckle at his joke. Peeved, Bush turns around to face his insulter. When he sees that it�s Kerry, his eyes narrow and he smirks.)

George W. Bush (with a faux-dignified air): Well, well, well; Flippy the Flip-Flopper. At long last we meet face to face.

John Kerry: Man, you�re getting as much mileage as you can out of that nickname, aren�t you?

George W. Bush: You bet yer sweet patootie I am. Used it thirty-some times in my last press conference. Really shut up those lousy liberal reporters; kept grilling me on all that nonsense; �Can you truly say that control of Iraq is ready to be given over to the people in its current state?� Well, I just threw Flippy at them, they didn�t know what the hell to say. Damn, you should have seen the looks on their faces, totally stunned. I am gold, man!

John Kerry: Say and do what you will, Bush, but the time has come for change. Your administration has been greatly flawed in one key area; throughout your term you have ignored the plight of the working class and done nothing but benefit the wealthy. But I suppose it�s to be expected; you were born into prosperity, you can�t relate to the middle class of America and their needs.

George W. Bush (sarcastically): Oh, yeah, and I suppose you�re better in touch with them, ketchup boy.

John Kerry (defensively): Hey, I�ll have you know that I worked for that money!

George W. Bush (still sarcastic): Really?

John Kerry: Yes, I mean, come on, have you ever seen Teresa up close? (his voice switches to a somber, depressed tone.) Dear God, the woman is sixty-six and has the libido of Jenna Jameson. So yes, I am earning my fortune; (even more depressed) every night of my miserable life.

(Bush looks at Kerry with sympathetic eyes, trying to identify with his torment.)

George W. Bush: Gosh, I, I had no idea you had to go through so much.

John Kerry: Believe it. Have you ever been with a woman who likes to role-play characters from Katherine Hepburn movies? Every time we�re at it, all I hear is, �Oh, Spencer, I thought you were bigger than that!� and, �Yes Henry, yes, sully up my golden pond!� That stuff gives you nightmares, man! I�m praying for the sniper flashbacks to come back just so I can get it out of my head!

(Bush shakes his head in sorrow)

George W. Bush: I�m sorry, Johnny, I had no idea you had to go through that.

John Kerry: Well, now you do, George. It�s just so painful. I think I know why Senator Heinz died in that chopper crash now.

George W. Bush: Why�s that?

John Kerry: He wanted to.

(The two start laughing over John�s joke, then it dies down.)

George W. Bush: Well, with luck it�ll stop soon.

(The lights in the diner flicker on and off for a few seconds, as a loud electric crackle is heard.)

Dick Cheney (off screen, in a loud, ecstatic tone over the electric buzz): Oh yes! Yes! Yes!

(Bush and Kerry look around in confusion, then return to their conversation.)

George W. Bush: Thankfully my wife�s never put me through that. We�re not much for movie role-playing; she and me have furry fetishes.

(Kerry looks at his political rival in surprise)

John Kerry (shocked): Really?! A guy like you goes in for that stuff?!

George W. Bush (smiling): Oh yeah, it�s killer fantasy. Get the cat ears on, some fake claws, a little tail right above the hiney-hole, it�s a helluva lotta fun. Let me tell you, Laura�s the prettiest kitty from Texas. You gotta try it sometime, it�ll really spice things up.

(Kerry ponders the suggestion, his hand under his chin.)

John Kerry (contemplative): Yeah, it does seem like fun, I think I will try it. When�s Laura free this week?

(The two begin laughing again, harder than before. Bush slaps the table in his humor fit and Kerry clutches his chest in glee. It dies down again, and Bush wipes a laugh tear from his eye.)

George W. Bush (still chuckling): Oh man, that was a good one. Thank God you weren�t on the 9/11 committee, I would have never been able to keep a straight face. (He ceases laughing and takes a swig of water. A thoughtful look comes across his face.) Why do we do this, John?

John Kerry: George, I�m as clueless as you on that. Every four years our parties present a slew of potential candidates and weed out the truly qualified ones, leaving people like us to take the helm of our great nation. I mean look at us: two self-serving, hypocritical soft-money whores vying for the most prestigious office in the land, and do we deserve it?

George W. Bush: Hell, I didn�t deserve it the first time I got in. (sighs) But you�re right, Johnny, what good can we do for the country? Damned if I didn�t screw almost everything up already; two-thirds of the world hates us and wants us dead, and the other half is laughing at us and callin� us a nation of fools. I mean, can you believe all the countries that are ready to blow us up because of my decisions.

John Kerry: Yes, yes, it�s quite a sad state. And if I�m elected, I�ve already promised to reduce our military influence, so we�ll just be a more accessible target. I tell you, G.W., I don�t really envy you right now. Sure you screwed up big time, but Lord knows what havoc I�ll wreak if the people vote for me. I could drive our country further down the crapper than you already have, but nothing is for certain. It�s just the risk we take in our business.

George W. Bush: I see what you mean. You�re an okay guy, Johnny, ya know that? (He stands and shakes Kerry�s hand, and the two smile, having reached a common ground.) Hey, you have good luck in November.

John Kerry: No, you have good luck, George.

(The two start chuckling again. Cheney returns, his hair standing up straight on end, an obvious result of the electricity he had coursing through his body. A huge grin is on his face.)

Dick Cheney: Well, I feel great! You ready to head out, Dubya? (George nods that he is.) Perfect. (turns his head to the left.) Oh, waitress, make that chicken steak a carry-out, we�re taking it on the road. (Turns back to Bush.) It�s okay if we split it, right.

(The waitress from their table earlier arrives with a Styrofoam container. She gives it to Cheney.)

Waitress #1: Here�s your order, sir.

Dick Cheney: Great. Thank you very much. Okay, let�s go. (He turns to leave, but is stopped by the waitress.)

Waitress #1: Sir, wait, you can�t take your order without paying!

Dick Cheney (snickering): Madam, I don�t think you understand. I�m Dick Cheney, I can do what I please. (He wraps his arms around her, feigning a hug, and when he releases, he�s holding a pair of panties in his right hand. The waitress feels her thighs and looks shocked when she fully comprehends what he managed to do, and how swiftly it was done. Cheney is laughing in delight.) See, I can�t be stopped. (Stops laughing and turns to Bush.) Alright, Mister President, let�s go deliver that speech.

Bush: Kick-booty. (The two begin to head out, Bush waves good-bye to Kerry). See ya later, Johnny.

John Kerry (waving back): Have fun, G.W.

(The president and vice president walk out of view, and Kerry lowers his hand and stops waving. A ring-tone of �Bad Moon Rising� is heard. Kerry reaches into his pants pocket, pulls out his cell phone, presses the Talk button, and speaks.)

John Kerry: Hello, senator John Kerry speaking. (pause as he listens to the person on the other end.) Oh, hi Tess. How�s everything going? (another pause, and a worried expression comes across his face.) Really, they had �The African Queen� on the classics channel today? (another pause, his expression of fright grows.) It got you really riled up? (another pause.) You�re hoping that Bogie comes to call later tonight? (Kerry gulps in fright, then answers his wife with a semi-depressed Humphrey Bogart impression.) Well, I�ll catch the first plane home tonight, shweethaht. When ya need me, just whistle. Love ya, babe.

(Kerry turns off his phone, groans in despair, and mimics shooting himself in the temple with the phone. The camera pans out to show the waitresses serving more customers and cleaning empty tables as we fade out.)

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Replies:

mini-review -- Jen, 19:49:47 05/27/04 Thu
- Thank you for your input, Jen -- Jim Bevan, 21:05:12 05/27/04 Thu
  - Revised skit: condensed and shortened -- Jim Bevan, 06:39:29 05/28/04 Fri