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| Subject: hurt again | |
Author: sweetsong | [ Next Thread |
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] Date Posted: 22/01/07 9:52 my close friend (the one that didn't have me as brides maid) last night told me she had made a new friend who is 'the most amazing person to have conversations wtih ever' she can talk to him for hours. why did this make me hurt and feel that she thinks i am not i nteresting to talk to? why do i torture myself like this? you lot are so helpful any help please let me know. [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] |
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Author: Lilly from the Valley [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22/01/07 14:20 Because you are human sweetsong. Im sorry, but your so called fried isnt really much of a friend if she can be so insensitive. My advice is to steer clear of anyone that hurts you intentionally. Even if YOU are very fond of them, they obviously get a kick out of upsetting you. Make new friends hun & be around people who make you feel good about yourself and put your faith back in others. One bad apple dont spoil the whole bunch as Michael Jackson very wisely sang in his youth. You need to focus on your good points (everyone has something so dont even think about telling me you dont!). If you continue to 'hang around' people who treat you in this way, you will only get further and further down the ladder of self esteem and this makes you resort to doing really stupid things that I know you would regret - Ive been there hun, got the tee shirt, wrote the book etc. Lecture over with - as always, its easy to say and much harder to do, particularly when you are feeling vulnerable. Take care hun. Lil [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sweetsong [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22/01/07 16:05 thanks lil, thing is i don't thing she deliberately meant to hurt me, its just that well maybe friends tell you all the positives about their other friends but don't tell you to your own face about yours so it seems everyone is more interesting to everyone else. though zenny you said complementary things to me about my humour. but i hear your words and i feel you are wise.thanks. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: heather [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22/01/07 16:38 Don't you just feel like saying to them sometimes "what am i then? chopped liver?" I always say to shadowcat..ask yourself how your friends make you feel, if they make you feel like crap why are they your friends? It is nice to hear every so often how valued you are as a friend to someone....i feel ya honey. Big hugs and bright blessings, love heather.xxxxx [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sam spaniel [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 22/01/07 22:13 sweetsong dear sweetsong... the more negetave things people say to you/about you, the more you will believe what they are saying, you are a strong person inside, reach deep in to yourself and find that strong you. tell your friend that you feel hurt about what she said to you and explain why. you have your whole life ahead of you honey, start listening to your inner (strong) self and try to believe in you... we do. lots of love sam xxx [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: zenwind [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23/01/07 8:38 Sweetsong You, as her friend and this new friend are separate events in your friends life ie) her opinion on him is not a comparison with you most likely. We all have a rainbow of colours inside, friends reflect different ones...all or just a few. Also consider the interpretation that she may not have meant anything by it and would say the same about you to someone else. Perhaps she was enthusiastic about a new friend and by letting her/rejoicing in her sharing her happy moments (with a person, over her work/job/creativity, a partner, an occassion) you give her the gift of your friendship....she is sharing things with you. What is more wonderful than that than to feel anothers world through your ears and eyes....(to me we share the same world). Of course it is possible she said these things to be cruel. If so, don't drink from the same pool twice. Do not do the same things and expect different results. Most likely that doesn't work. Put space between you and this friend. But you have misinterpreted things that I have said and believe me my motivations towards you have only ever been ones of friendship. I am very sensitive to the feelings of others as I am a very sensitive person myself. And I think you are a fantastic funny girl but you got to start seeing that for yourself my friend. zenwind [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sweetsong [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23/01/07 10:06 thank you all so much. and thankyou especially zenny. you are right. my friend told my sister i am the bubbliest person she knows last night. so i imagined that she thinks me unintersting. i think i have a problem with jealousy cuz i'm insecure. :( just so scared of losing my friends i cling to them like dear life. does this his happen to you guys? or did it used to? [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: gaiangrub [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23/01/07 13:08 look at this way your friend raves on about friend in question because /you/ being an (obvious to all but you) optimum example of understanding and coolness yourself would appreciate the fact that friend in question is also worthy if it makes sense try it on --big hug---- [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Ash [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 23/01/07 20:23 Rubbish. It's not a case of being sensitive. If being a friend means you have to constantly walk on egg shells around the other person and hold back your opinions on things then it's a pretty lame frienship. Friends are things we have to learn from, sometimes and depending on star signs (geminis like me in particular) another person who is new and fascinating comes along and you talk and talk and get all excited but in the end you learn all you can and talk as much as you can to them and it gets boring, so you don't talk as much, yet you still have your good close friends around you who can handle not having attention for more than 5 mins. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: gaiangrub [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 4:22 ouch just trying to help thanks for calling me on that one [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: whitewolf [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 5:05 (I don't think Ash's 'Rubbish' comment was directed at what you'd said gaiangrub) [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sweetsong [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 9:28 well im offended at the rubbish comment. i feel it was directed at zenwind who mentioend sensitivity and was saying she was thoughtful of others feelings because she knows how when people have had a past of people being nasty to you and speaking without thinking you are extra sensitive to hurt and a little extra sensitivity from a friend is a kind thing and does not mean that they are walking on egg shells just not imposing their will on another thoughtlessly. i expect my friends to not be open and say what they think but my sisters and friends are all too quick to open their mouths and hurt in the name of honesty. cruel thoughtless honesty. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sweetsong [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 9:30 meant to say: i do NOT expect my friends to not be open..... [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Dragonlady [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 10:33 I think perhaps you are too easily offended sweetsong. You know, sometimes we feel things are directed at us when they are probably not. People are very different, and can be like that, open mouth and think about what they've said afterwards. Life is not all sweetness and light and neither are people. I am not saying that is right but it is certainly a fact of life. You should maybe try and learn to ignore such things, otherwise you will continue to be wounded by un-thinking people who are not necessarily trying to hurt you. Please don't take offence at what I have said - just my thoughts. Dragonlady [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sam spaniel [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 16:16 in the wise words of Forrest Gump..... " lofe is like a box of chocolates..... you never know what you're gonna get" blessings Sam xxxxx [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sam spaniel [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 16:16 in the wise words of Forrest Gump..... " life is like a box of chocolates..... you never know what you're gonna get" blessings Sam xxxxx [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Awen [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 17:15 Dear Sweetsong, please don't be offended by Ash's 'rubbish' comment, Ash just say's things in a direct manner, straight from his heart. He's not trying to hurt anyone..its just his way.. Isn't that right, Ash??? and us Gemini's do have a tendency to do that..I'm guilty of sometimes saying things in a direct manner too.. Anyway, sweetsong, hope your okay! Take Care x [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Ash [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 18:10 I didn't mean to offend anyone. But I do not rescind the point of my original post. As for "cruel thoughtless honesty", who are you to decide it is thoughtless and cruel? Honesty is neither kind nor cruel, it simply is. And i would rather be honest with someone and them not like it, than lie to them and not have any belief or strength in my words. Though I find it somewhat hypocritical that you would consider my honesty so offensive and then make an insulting comment with little real veracity to it. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Dragonlady [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 18:21 Ash wrote: "And i would rather be honest with someone and them not like it, than lie to them and not have any belief or strength in my words." Yes, I agree. You are neither doing yourself or the other person any favours by not being honest with them. Dragonlady [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Dragonlady [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 24/01/07 18:25 sweetsong wrote: "my close friend (the one that didn't have me as brides maid) last night told me she had made a new friend who is 'the most amazing person to have conversations wtih ever' she can talk to him for hours." Did it also occur to you that perhaps she fancies this "new friend"?! I only noticed that when I re-read the post she talks about "him". You may be doing her a dis-service. We all rave on about someone, particularly if we take a real liking to them. I don't know how old you (or your friend) are, but it sounds that way to me. :-) Dragonlady [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: gaiangrub [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 25/01/07 16:11 that thaought occured to me to (that she fancies him) [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sweetsong [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 25/01/07 14:05 i hope not dragonlady - my friend was only recently married. i have done a silly thing. i have joined livejournal which is a blogging community and am now hurt by hearing the man i am in love with talking to other women flirting with the people that leave comments in his journal. am torturing myself. honesty can be thoughtless and cruel. i have the ability to decide. telling someone you think they are ugly, uncreative and lacking in intelligence (as my sisters tell me) is not kind honesty even if it is true. i think it is BS to think honesty is always the best policy. who are you to decide to hurt people with your version of opinions? all the thoughts that go on in our heads, anyone would be unwise to share them all! [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Ash [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 25/01/07 19:29 I think honesty is the best option. If you lie, even the smallest and with the best intentions, it can and usually does come back to bite you or the person you lied to on the ass. Have you ever watched pop idol? With those people whose families tell them they can sing when they can't and they go on there and end up feeling broken and humilliated because of lies which had the best intentions to begin with. Well, honesty would have saved them the shame. And life is the same. And honesty doesn't have to be kind or cruel, like I said..honesty is honesty. It is the summation of observations. If you are going to get into the "who are you to decide to hurt people with your version of opinions?", then being hurt by an opinion is merely a point of experience. Someone else could take the exact same comment to be completely innocuous and then what happens? Is it an ambivalent truth that is torn between being kind or cruel? No, it just is. Truth is truth. That's all I am going to say on it. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Rowan [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 25/01/07 15:50 I must agree with you on that point Sweetsong. Honesty must go hand in hand with integrity. Honesty should stem from genuine care and respect of the other(s). There are times when a 'white lie' is necessary in order to prevent hurt, other times when it is best simply to stay silent on the matter, if your opinion is likely to cause pain. Sweetsong, people are usually cruel to others because of a feeling of inadequacy and/or unhappiness in themselves (I am not pointing a finger at any forum member here, but your family and friends). When you are fulfilled, happy and love yourself unconditionally, this reflects in your relationships with others. So it seems that the cruel comments of your sisters stem from jealousy, not from what is actually true. Also you seem to be giving out a strong feeling of being a victim - bullies, who are often in pain, make themselves feel stronger by picking on those who appear weaker than they themselves are. I believe that all experiences in our lives happen for a reason - to make us wiser and more loving beings. It might be helpful, rather than feel all this pain and victimisation, to sit quietly and reflect if there is anything you are doing which is encouraging others to be cruel. Maybe you are unknowingly attracted to a certain type of person who has this aspect to their personality, for instance. Maybe these feelings you have are simply an indication of your lack of self esteem and these people are in your life at the moment to help you to realise this and encourage you to work on it. I would suggest you look for some self help books about loving and accepting yourself first.Also you may find some of the buddhist literature on loving kindness to be useful. I used to be very insecure myself and always seemed to have a feeling that people were judging me. This either made me put up barriers or become needy in my relationships - both, drove people away or stopped them approaching me. You, Sweetsong are a blessed and beautiful soul and equal to everyone on this planet. You are unique and should rejoice in that uniqueness. Love is like water - the more you try and grasp it, the quicker it slips through your fingers. True love gives without expecting return. Once you have learned to love and respect yourself unconditionally, you will find that it will spill out towards others with ease. And in return, like a mirror, the love you give out freely, will come back to you many times over. Don't forget, that most of the cruelty or thoughtlessness of other people is due to their own issues and nothing to do with you at all. I think it is important not to take every little slight, personally - there are times when you have to swallow the hurt, forgive and move on. There may be other times when you actually have a distorted view of the situation, because of your feeling of insecurity. In that case, rather than stay silent, feeling terrible, be honest and discuss your feelings with that person. Chance is, you've gor them completely wrong! And for those instances when a person hurts you with deliberate intent, move on and away from them. There are plenty of others out there with kinder hearts! We are all human, we all struggle, we all mess up at times, we need to forgive ourselves and forgive others. Let go of your pain and hurt Sweetsong - it is eating away at your heart. Just let it go and keep your face to the sun :) Blessings, Rowan xx [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Pilgrim [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 25/01/07 16:26 Wow! What wise words Rowan. Very well written. On the subject of honesty being cruel or not.... I have a friend who used to be very fond of the expression "The truth can be cruel." Usually said after they had said something completely offensive to someone. One day they were telling me about how they had said such and such to so and so and then said "The truth can be cruel." I couldn't take it any more and said, " The truth is never cruel. It is person telling the truth that is being cruel. Truth can almost always be worded in such a way that it is not cruel." An example of this is when my wife and I went looking for her a dress for a special occasion. I had watched her try on many outfits and come out to show me with an expression on her face that said NOTHING LOOKS GOOD ON ME. Then she tried on one that I thought was not very pretty. She came out beaming with excitement and said:"How do I look!?" I really didn't like the dress. But she was so excited and I could tell she thought it looked wonderful. So I said: "You look beautiful!" And SHE did. Her face was smiling, her posture was confident. She was glowing. Every time she wore that dress I focused on how wonderful she felt and not the fact that I personally didn't like the dress. Now thinking back on it I think it was my favorite dress she has ever had. I could have been brutally honest about the dress but chose instead to be very honest about how she looked in the dress. Sorry I went on so long but I think it is important that we be as careful with how we are honest as we are with being honest. Pilgrim [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Rowan [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 25/01/07 17:50 Pigrim - reading your posting I almost cried! To be so heart-centred in your love is an inspiration to me. Your wife is truly blessed to have you in her life :) Actually on the way home tonight I was mulling over what I had written (as you do!) and came back in here to say to Sweetsong that I hoped I hadn't come over as preachie and holier than thou .... it is always easier advising others than giving ourselves that same advice. Maybe that's because we are not so constricted by the confines of our emotions when trying to help another. Believe me, i struggle with staying heart-centred and loving every day of my life. Only recently I felt bad because i was unkind to someone I love dearly through no fault of their own. I was aware at the time what i was doing but because I was feeling stressed and tired, i took it out on them. That doesn't excuse me in the least, but I just want Sweetsong to know, so it might help her to see that when people are being hurtful, it is often due to their own issues and weaknesses, rather than any reflection on herself. I did beat myself up about it for a while - you see, not taking my own advice again, LOL - and it took the wise words of a friend to ease up on myself. Like I said before, we all mess up now and then - all we can do is keep on forgiving ourselves and each other and remember that despite the bad bits, there are also many beautiful and wonderful things to enjoy on this journey of ours :) Rowan x [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: zenwind [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 25/01/07 18:00 Beautiful post Rowan and I echo your words. As for livejournal and your reasons for joining it. I cannot see that it will bring you peace. It may be that your interest in being around this guy has an obsessive quality to it - understandable as you are in love with this man. However, being around someone from a distance who is out of reach is going to hurt you more. Sometimes we want to hold on because on some level it feels are efforts will work but in my experience the universe does not work that way....... It sounds like lurking at that community without joining it is like sitting on the edge of an emotional whirlpool, the longer you stay, it could become difficult to paddle back out sweetheart.... How would it feel to gradually try to let go of this guy and turn towards your beautiful self, beautiful new experiences and wonderful new people? peace zenwind [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: zenwind [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 25/01/07 18:07 Rowan, I saw your new post after I posted mine - just wanted to give you a hug so..... ***big HUG*** and thank you for your wonderful words (again). a deep bow to you my friend zenwind [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Pilgrim [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 25/01/07 18:08 Rowan wrote: "Pigrim - reading your posting I almost cried! To be so heart-centred in your love is an inspiration to me. Your wife is truly blessed to have you in her life :)" Thanks Rowan. :) Just caught me on a good day that's all. (Pilgrim, hands in pockets, looking down and shuffling feet) [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sweetsong [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 26/01/07 9:46 rowan, your post is great and have printed it out along with this thread full of support and care and am going to follow your advice. thank you for taking all that time and you are wise and caring and out of everyone here seem to know exactly how i feel!!! it is clear from your message. thank you so much. zenwind, thankyou. you are right. it does feel like i am addicted to him but after reading your post i went to amazoon and found a book that helps me deal with addictive patterns of thought in relationships and codependency issues. i am going to read that and do my best to stay away. i am also seeing a counselling group where i am going to explore my hurt. hopefully i will find an outlet that does not impinge on people. love sweetsong [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Dragonlady [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 26/01/07 10:20 I am sl glad you are able to get some counselling Sweetsong. I think it will help you so much and make life much lighter and better for you. Good luck with it. Dragonlady [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Rowan [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 26/01/07 12:13 Sweetsong - i understand how you feel cos I've been there myself. I was going to suggest counselling but didn't want to offend you. I'm glad you have decided to take that route as I agree that depression can get to a point where it is beyond sorting things out yourself and antidepressants can break the cycle of despair and help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had a couple of counselling sessions after major surgery a few years ago and it was enough to help me see the way forward. I hope you get the support you need, my love, and that sometime in the future we see you back in the garden :) Blessings, Rowan xxx [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sweetsong [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 26/01/07 13:27 thank you dragonlady and thankyou Rowan so much. ivy an amazing older friend in her sixties that lurks here (come out ivy) and astute wonderful zenwind helped me to realise i am not crazy and am more than these horrible thoughts i have and am usually alone with. if i hadn't come here and shared these thoughts for them to witness and help me with off the board i would not be taking this hard step towards a better future and finding counselling support. so thank gaias garden for being there and helping me share these thoughts. you have been a crutch but i will no longer abuse you. love sweetsong [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Pilgrim [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 27/01/07 0:48 Abuse us? I haven't felt abused. I'm glad your starting to feel better. :-) [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: Wolfsdream [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 27/01/07 17:45 Hope things work out for you Sweetsong and that you'll stay around in the garden. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sweetsong [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12/02/07 13:51 i said something very hurtful to zenwind in an email. i am sorry. i made the mistake of assuming that nobody has problems because they are further on the path than me. i made the mistake of thinking the same of zenwind and i don't even know her really. envy and jealousy got to me. why do i always muck up things? please forgive me. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |
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Author: sweetsong [ Edit | View ] |
Date Posted: 12/02/07 13:58 i got a reply from Zen and all is sorted out. i do have to sort out my big mouth though and my presumptiousness. reply not necesasary. [ Post a Reply to This Message ] |