Reviews...Coming this November and Buzz and Sal Jr. -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 13:39:01 03/06/04 Sat
Author: JPIII
Subject: Reviews...Coming this November and Buzz and Sal Jr.
In reply to: Patrick Lonergan 's message, "REVIEWS: Colin Firth 03/06/04" on 01:54:33 03/06/04 Sat

Coming this November

[Open on an empty black screen. White letters flash on and off in silence: �COMING THIS NOVEMBER�]

[Cut to a mother sitting on a park bench in a virtually deserted park. She is rocking a baby in her arms, playing with it, amusing it. A young child, about 5 years old, runs up to the mother and tugs on her sweater.]

Child: Mom! Watch me!

Mother: (laughing) Ok, honey.

[The kid runs back into the playground.]

Mother: But don�t be too long, we have to be back for dinner by 6!

[Cut to a police station. A police officer walks into the office of the chief with the same woman from the first scene behind him, she is crying profusely.]

Officer: Chief, we have another, uh, (looks around the room in suspicion, then stands closer to the chief so the woman is unable to hear him) S-H-O-R...

Chief: Jesus, that�s the third one this week! (The chief turns to the woman) Ma�am, can you tell me what happened?

Woman: (trying to be audible over her tears) my son was just playing in the park, and then... and then... this other boy with a beard wanted to play...

Chief: Oh no...

Woman: �Oh no�?! What do you mean �oh no�?! What happened to my son?!

Chief: I�m sorry ma�am, I�m afraid he�s one of them now.

[Cut to the sound of a heartbeat over a slow pan up from the ground that reveals a man about 4 feet tall. As a the camera blinks in unison with the heartbeat, we see the man�s shoes; his waist; his torso; his face; as the camera continues to pan upwards several feet above his head.]

I THINK THE VISUALS ARE KEY IN THIS SKETCH. YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE A LITTLE MORE TO DESCRIBE THE "LITTLE PERSON" IN A HUMOROUS MANNER.

V/O: This November, in theatres everywhere.

[Cut to a reaction shot of the chief of police.]

V/O: Don�t.

[Cut to a reaction shot of the woman from the park.]

V/O: Look.

[Cut to a shot of a short man charging at the camera.]

V/O: Down.

[Loud, pump-up music starts to play as we see shots of police officers on their knees fighting men in parking lots, women clutching their children and running, and large monuments being pushed to the ground by many short men.]

HERE AGAIN, YOU JUST SAY "SHORT MEN"...I'D USE SOME DESCRIPTORS TO DESCRIBE THE ACTION SO THAT THE VISUALS CAN BE BETTER CONCEIVED BY THE READER, BECAUSE FOR ME, I'M LAUGHING MY BALLS OFF THINKING ABOUT THIS...WHAT I'D LIKE FOR YOU TO DO IS GIVE ME WHAT YOU'RE THINKING, 'CAUSE I IMAGINE IT'S HILARIOUS.

[Cut to the police station. The officer is talking to the chief, with a second officer standing in the corner who remains silent.]

Officer: Chief, we can�t hide on top of high ledges and dressers forever! We have to reason with them!

Chief: This is my station, I�m the chief, and we do what I say! (The chief picks up a walkie-talkie and speaks into it.) Send in the tanks.

[The officer stares him down.]

Officer: (quietly) you son-of-a-bitch.

[The officer exits, slamming the chief�s door behind him. The chief looks over to the second officer in somewhat questioning disbelief.]

2nd Officer: His mother was short.

[Cut to the chief and an army sergeant sitting inside a tank.]

Chief: Here they come!

[The sergeant begins to pull up on the handle inside the tank but is struggling significantly.]

Sergeant: It won�t! It won�t go that low!

Chief: Well do something!

[The two men scream as the tank rocks back and forth violently.]

[Cut to a close-up shot of the woman.]

Woman: (whispering) I think we�re safe here.

[The camera pans backwards and shows the woman sitting in a tree with one of the police officers. The screen goes black. We hear the woman scream.]

V/O: When small men do big things...

[White letters flash on and off in unison with the voiceover: �DAYS OF WAR�

V/O: Days or war. Directed by Alan Smithee.

FADE

I LIKE THIS IDEA A LOT. I THINK A LITTLE MORE COULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITH IT, LIKE A BRIEF LINE OR TWO ABOUT WHY THE SHORT PEOPLE ARE ANGRY...SOME HUMOROUS RATIONALE WOULD BE THE ICING ON THE CAKE. ALSO, AS I MENTIONED BEFORE, DESCRIBING THE SHORT PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE MADE THIS MORE ENJOYABLE. OVERALL, THOUGH, THIS WAS A WONDERFUL EFFORT, AND I THINK THAT YOU DID AN EXCELLENT JOB WRITING A TRAILER.

Buzz and Sal Jr.

[ Int. Radio Station � Day ]

[ Buzz and Sal Jr., loosely dressed in ragged t-shirts, at control board of 103.5 WROC Solid Rock. Bush�s �Machinehead� plays in background, fades out. ]

Buzz: You�re listening to Buzz and Sal Jr. on 103.5 WROC Solid Rock. As you know, we�re giving away tickets to see Irongear at the Arena tonight; all you gotta do is call in and answer some Irongear trivia at 555 � 3838 as soon as you hear Sal Jr. say something stupid.

Sal Jr.: Buzz, we�re never going to be able to give these tickets away like that.

Buzz: Now, I see your calls coming in, and I know what you guys are thinking, but the judges aren�t giving us that one. You probably won�t have much longer to wait though. Coming up, a traffic report from Chopper Number Clive, but first, I gotta tell ya, I had this great steak wrap for lunch. What did you have, Sal Jr.?

Sal Jr.: [ proud ] Cup-a-Noodle [ a beat, then frantic ] Oh crap, I left it in the microwave again� [ runs off ]

HERE, YOU HAVE TWO OPPORTUNITIES TO MAKE SAL INTO AN IDIOT, BUT I THINK YOU MISSED THEM. FIRST OF ALL, WHEN BUZZ NOTES THAT SAL JR.'S REMARK ISN'T STUPID ENOUGH, HE COULD HAVE GIVEN A VERY HUMOROUS PAST EXAMPLE TO GET THE READER LAUGHING RIGHT OFF. SECOND, THE CUP-A-NOODLE THING REALLY DIDN'T DO IT FOR ME. I'D LIKE TO HAVE HEARD HIM SAY SOMETHING INSANELY STUPID...EITHER THAT, OR LEAVE IT AS IS, AND BUILD UP TO SAL SAYING CRAZY THINGS.

Buzz: And the board is on fire! Let�s take the first caller. [ flicks a switch ] Hello, you�re on the air with Buzz and Sal Jr., answering Irongear trivia for tickets to the show tonight. What�s your name?

Andrew V/O: Andrew

Buzz: Alright, Andy, now tell me, which member of Irongear lost his dog to a cocaine overdose? Think carefully, remember, his dog, not his cat or his snake.

Andrew V/O: Oh, that�s easy, Dave Anger.

[ correct buzzer ]

HERE'S ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY I FELT WAS SQUANDERED. I LAUGHED AT THE QUESTION, AND NOT SO MUCH AT THE NUMEROUS ATTEMPTS TO GIVE THE CALLER THE STATION IDENTIFICATION. I WOULD HAVE COME UP WITH SEVERAL TRIVIA QUESTIONS THAT BUILT UPON THE INANITY OF THE INITIAL QUESTION, WHICH WAS DAMN GOOD.

Buzz: Congratulations, you won two tickets to the show tonight; just tell me what station is Solid Rock?

[ silence ]

Sal Jr.: [ rushing in, carrying soup cup gingerly, placing it on a table away from electronics ] Alright, I�m back.

Andrew V/O: Ummm...

Sal Jr.: What�s up everybody

Buzz: You already answered the trivia, Andy, all you gotta tell us is which station is Solid Rock

Andrew V/O: [ exasperated ] Huh. I should know this. I really should� It�s just sitting in the back of my mind there�

Sal Jr.: [ obnoxiously loud whisper to Buzz ] What did I miss? [ eats soup ]

Buzz: This really shouldn�t be a big deal, Andy.

[ Chopper Number Clive enters, wearing a cheap, oddly-colored suit ]

Andrew V/O: [ uncertain ] I think it starts with an M� I�m just not really sure�

Buzz: We got Chopper Number Clive in the studio now, waiting on Andrew who�s trying to tell us which station is Solid Rock.

Andrew V/O: Why don�t you guys go on to the traffic, I�m still thinking.

Buzz: [ patronizing ] Alright, we�ll be checking back in with Andrew in a minute, you all set to go, Clive?

Clive: Yeah

[ Buzz flips a switch, cueing a station promo ]

Announcer V/O: [ a deep, hard rock station announcer voice ] It�s time for a traffic report with Chopper Number Clive, on 103.5 WROC, Solid Rock

Chopper Number Clive: Today�s traffic is sponsored by Tony�s Cucumbers, you could buy a more expensive cucumber, but why? And by Stuff Your Grandfather Drinks Package Store, for when you�ve finally decided to stop being a pussy about getting drunk. Uh, it�s two o�clock on a Saturday, so there�s really no one out there; I just really need the overtime this week. I�m Chopper Number Clive with traffic on 103.5 WROC, Solid Rock.

HERE'S ANOTHER EXCELLENT JOKE...THE STATION PROMOS. I THINK THAT YOUR SKETCH SHOULD HAVE TAKEN A THREE-PRONGED ATTACK: SAL'S STUPIDITY, STUPID TRIVIA QUESTIONS, AND HILARIOUS PROMOS. YOU DID MARVELOUSLY WITH THESE. INSTEAD, WE ONLY GET A TASTE OF EACH, AND A GUY WHO CAN'T REMEMBER THE STATION IDENTIFICATION. IT'S A VIABLE WAY TO GO WITH THIS, BUT I WOULD HAVE PREFERRED THE FORMER.

Buzz: Let�s check back in with Andrew, who�s taking far too long to answer this easy question. Andy, are you still there?

Andrew V/O: Yeah� I think I almost got it

Buzz: Andy, you know you already answered the trivia question right, we can just give you the tickets�

Andrew V/O: [ defensive ] I�ll get it, I�ll get it. You don�t have to break the rules for me.

[ Buzz flips a switch, cueing a station promo ]

Announcer V/O: You�re listening to the only station that is Solid Rock, 103.5 FM WROC, Solid Rock.

Buzz: [ slowly ] Andy, what is the only station that is Solid Rock?

[ Buzz flips a switch, cueing a station promo ]

Announcer V/O: You are listening to 103.5 WROC, the only station that is Solid Rock. This is the only station that is Solid Rock. There are no other Solid Rock stations. 103.5 FM WROC is your only source for Solid Rock.

Andrew V/O: I�m thinking, I�m thinking�

Buzz: Andy, is your radio on?

Andrew V/O: Yeah�

Buzz: Just checkin�

[ Buzz flips a switch, cueing a station promo ]

Announcer V/O: Just say 103.5 WROC, moron.

Sal Jr.: 103.5 WRO�

Andrew V/O: [ interrupting ] Don�t help me!

[ Buzz flips a switch, cueing a station promo ]

Announcer V/O: Hey Andrew, the f[ bleep ]ing answer is 103.5 WROC. We�ve had a lot of f[ bleep ]ing idiots call in before, but you�re the first one that�s this f[ bleep ]ing stupid. 103.5 WROC.

Andrew V/O: It�s right on the tip of my tongue� It�s just like dancing there.

[ Killer Ralphie enters, a high class man in full business attire ]

Buzz: Hey, everyone, Killer Ralphie, our producer here at 103.5 WROC Solid Rock, just walked in.

Killer Ralphie: Buzz, we�re having a station reformat�and also, you�re fired.

Buzz: What!? [ standing up ]

Andrew V/O: Oh, bummer man.

Killer Ralphie: Buzz, cut that guy off. [ Andrew is dropped ] Our ratings have fallen one hundred and sixty three percent since five minutes ago. Look, if you can�t even handle ticket giveaways correctly, you have no future here at 103.5 FM, home of epic orchestra.

[ Alynna enters, wearing a casual evening gown, sits in Buzz�s chair ]

[ Alynna flips a switch, cueing a station promo ]

Announcer V/O: [ lite, female voice ] Sit back and enjoy life with 103.5 FM WROC, your home for epic orchestra.

Buzz: This is bullshit. [ storms out ]

Killer Ralphie: I gotta go make sure he doesn�t touch my fish tank. Oh, and anyone that calls me Killer Ralphie again gets sacked. [ exits ]

Alynna: Welcome on this Saturday afternoon. We have a performance of Beethoven�s 4th by the London Symphony coming up, but first we have tickets to tonight�s performance by the Metropolitan Orchestra at the Stuffy Richguy Opera Hall. Call us here at 555 � 3838. Hello, you�re on the air, who is this?

Martin V/O: Martin.

Sal Jr.: Hey, Marty.

Alynna: Congratulations, Martin, you just won front row tickets. Tell us, what station is your home for epic orchestra?

Martin V/O: Umm� Crap! I know this one�

[ fade out ]

I DIDN'T FIND MUCH HUMOR IN THE STATION CHANGE...IT REMINDED ME OF THE MOVIE "AIRHEADS", WHICH SUCKS, SO THAT MAY HAVE BEEN IT. I THINK GOING WITH THE THREE-PRONGED HUMOR ATTACK THAT I MENTIONED BEFORE WOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR BEST BET. ALSO, I THINK THAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE THIS AND LEFT IN THE STUFF ABOUT A DUDE NOT REMEMBERING THE STATION CALL LETTERS. THE ANNOUNCER V/O'S WERE FUNNY ENOUGH TO KEEP. HOWEVER, THE STATION CHANGE SEEMS TO GO AWAY FROM THE HUMOR YOU EXHIBITED IN OTHER AREAS, AND JUST GIVES THE SKETCH AN ADDED DIRECTION, EVEN THOUGH THE INITIAL DIRECTION(S) SEEMED LIKE THEY'D WORK WELL: A STRAIGHT-MAN DJ, AN INANE SIDEKICK, FUNNY TRIVIA QUESTIONS, HILARIOUS PROMOS, FRUSTRATION VIA ANNOUNCER V/O'S WHEN A CALLER COULDN'T REMEMBER THE STATION'S NAME.

JPIII

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