Reviews...Father Tim and Overlooked Sports Stars -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 10:45:03 03/07/04 Sun
Author: JPIII
Subject: Reviews...Father Tim and Overlooked Sports Stars
In reply to: Patrick Lonergan 's message, "REVIEWS: Colin Firth 03/06/04" on 01:54:33 03/06/04 Sat

Teeing Off with Father Tim

Music Open: progressive Irish music.

Father Tim: Hello, and welcome back to "Teeing Off With Father Tim", the informative golf program for the Catholic diocese. We've been on hiatus for quite a while, available only in reruns, but we're happy to be back on the air at last, following the cancellation of the now-defunct "Plucky Duck Fun Hour". We had hoped to have Tiger Woods on our show today.. but we had to bump him because I found out that he's a black man, and I won't have his kind causing trouble on my program. Instead, we searched long and hard to find another golf professional to take his place. Please welcome world-class minature golf champion - Pierre du le Froggie.

THIS IS A GREAT SET-UP LINE, MEANING THAT IT'S SHORT, CONCISE, AND HAS JOKES WITHIN IT. GOOD JOB, PAT.

Pierre du le Froge: Actually, Father Tim, that's pronounced "Fro-jay". It's French.

Father Tim: [ silent growl ] They didn't tell me you were a minority.

Pierre du le Froge: I'm no more a minority than you. Aren't you Irish?

Father Tim: Aye, but we Irish don't cower in the darkness like roaches when it comes time to fight. We're proud to make animals of ourselves and get down to business!

Pierre du le Froge: Sure, you love to fight. Especially in pubs while drunk. And what do you mean by calling me a roach, and then saying you're proud to fight like animals? Aren't roaches considered animals, too?

Father Tim: Don't confuse me with facts, laddie! I'm so piss drunk right now, I'm liable to shove this club so far up your ass, you'll slice it into the woods everytime you cut a fart!

THIS IS A GREAT JOKE...SICK, ABSURD, FART HUMOR...BUT AT LEAST CLEVER.

Pierre du le Froge: [ crinkles his nose ] That's disgusting.

Father Tim: That's a strong accusation coming from someone whose culture has no history of bathing with tap water!

ANOTHER GOOD JOKE HERE...

Pierre du le Froge: [ shakes his head ] Look, could we quit harassing each other and get back to the subject of playing golf?

Father Tim: Alright, alright. So tell our viewers how you came to be the world-class minature golf champion. What skills do you need to achieve your status in that arena of the sports world?

THROUGHOUT THE SKETCH, THERE ARE SPRINKLES OF "IRISH ACCENT" IN FATHER TIM'S LINES...I THINK THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE WORKED A LITTLE HARDER TO "IRISH-IZE" ALL OF HIS LINES. FOR EXAMPLE, THE "YOU'S" SHOULD HAVE ALWAYS BEEN "YE'S".

Pierre du le Froge: Well, miniature golf isn't really in the big leagues of the sports world, but, for a lot of people the world over, it's as important a sport as, how you say.. badminton, croquet, and wrestling.

Father Tim: Yeah, those all sound like sports substitutes enjoyed by fags, Froggie.

Pierre du le Froge: They're legitimate sports, just not as popular as football and basketball. And there's no reason to classify any of those sports by sexual orientation. Don't most of you serious golfers were argyle socks pulled up to your knees? That is not exactly the wardrobe of true men, if you ask my opinion.

Father Tim: [ shaking his club in a menacing manner ] You make one more crack like that, laddie, I'm going to come over there and show you what it's like to be an altar boy in the middle of July. It ain't pretty!

Pierre du le Froge: Look, are we discussing miniature golfing skills or homoerotic behavior. I'll do one or the other, but not both if you don't mind. What I would like to do is demonstrate one of my golfing stances for you.

NICE RESPONSE..."ONE OR THE OTHER"...I LOVE IT WHEN A SKETCH CAN INCORPORATE LITTLE GEMS LIKE THIS INTO EVERYDAY DIALOGUE. LINES DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ALL-OUT JOKES...THE WAY THINGS ARE PUT OR SAID, THE WORDS USED...THAT KINDA STUFF CAN BE EVEN FUNNIER THAN A ONE-LINER LIKE THE FART OR ALTAR BOY JOKES.

Father Tim: Alright, let's take a look. I believe we have all the toys and tools set up for your version of a professional golf course?

SINCE FROGE TAKES OFFENSE AS TIM'S BELITTLING OF HIS COURSE BY USING THE WORD "TOYS"...WHY NOT SOMETHING AS EQUALLY BELITTLING INSTEAD OF "TOOLS"...HOW 'BOUT "CONTRAPTIONS", OR SIMPLY "CRAP".

Pierre du le Froge: The toys and tools you describe are called obstacles, designed to prolong the ball's arrival to the hole in much the same way a sand trap and foliage would prevent a smooth ride into the green.

Father Tim: So, that's why you brought the plastic crocodile?

HERE IS ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY YOU HAD TO HAVE FATHER TIM BELITTLE THE COURSE...THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THESE TWO IS OBVIOUSLY SET UP TO BE CONTENTIOUS...WHY NOT CONTINUE THAT HERE? HE COULD REALLY DOG THE PLASTIC CROC OR SOMETHING...

Pierre du le Froge: The idea is to putt the ball through the crocodile's mouth while he has it open wide, in order to reach the hole at the back of his leg. [ grabs a ball canister ] Some people use decorative balls, like those found at courses in Smalltown U.S.A., but I prefer to use a Titlest. [ opens lids, as the balls bounce across the floor ] Oh no, my balls are all over the place. Father Tim, will you please help me with my balls?

Father Tim: Certainly, I'll give you a hand with your balls, laddie. If you'll allow me to grab your balls, I will hang onto them tightly and make sure the little critters don't slip away. [ retrieves the balls ]

I THINK THIS EXCHANGE IS HORRIBLY FORCED. MAYBE IF HE'S SAYING THIS TO A KID, WHO'S COME ON THE SHOW TO DEMONSTRATE FROGE'S TECHNIQUES...I DON'T KNOW. IT JUST SOUNDS FORCED.

Pierre du le Froge: You're a sick bastard, you know that? Now, we'll line the ball on the pad, and hit it just light enough to riccochet off the side wall. [ spreads his legs apart and takes a light put as he described ]

Father Tim: Come on! You're stroking off like a pansy! [ loosens his collar and removes the tab ] Let me show you how to tee off the Father Tim way!

[ Father Tim forces a mighty swing onto the ball, sending the ball offscreen with a ferocious crash sound effect ]

Pierre du le Froge: Dammit! You shattered the crocodile's teeth!

Father Tim: [ waving his club in a menacing manner ] Pipe down, Froggie, or I'm going to shatter your teeth as well!

Pierre du le Froge: Not only is this sacrreligious, but it's poor sportsmanship as well! Golf is not about winning and losing, or whose skills are higher than another player's! It's about getting out on the green with a ball and a club, and becoming one with nature.

Father Tim: Laddie, laddie.. [ wraps his arm around Pierre's shoulder for reassurance ] That is so true, that is so very true. [ suddenly raises his other arm and smacks Pierre across the head with his golf club, as Pierre falls to the ground and lands on his balls ] There! Now you're playing with a handicap! Froggie bastard.. [ looks up to the camera ] That's all the time we have this week for "Teeing Off With Father Tim". Join me again next week for our horticulture demonstration, when a trio of women golfers show us to proper way to trim the greens around their holes. Until then, stay below par and keep your eyes on your own balls for a change!

Music Out: progressive Irish music.

THE ENDING SEQUENCE WOULD LIKELY MAKE FOR SOME FUNNY VISUALS. OVERALL, I LIKED THIS BIT, BUT I HAVE THE FEELING THAT IT COULD HAVE BEEN MUCH FUNNIER OR CONTROVERSIAL, LIKE "PLUCKY DUCK FUN HOUR".

More Overlooked Sports Stars

[Scene: Start with a PBS logo then fade to a talk show setup. The host, Edward Pierre, sits to the left with two empty chairs beside him. Super 'Overlooked Sports Superstars' and overlay music.]

[Logo and music fade as shot goes to closeup of Edward Pierre.]

Edward Pierre: Hello and welcome once again to Overlooked Sports Superstars, the show where the greatest unrecognized talent comes to be recognized by the unworthy masses. I am your host, the great yet overlooked Edward Pierre. Do not adjust your set, my eyes are that color. My first guest tonight is a legend who none of you have probably ever heard of because you've all been too busy watching your football. I find it quite ironic that a game which involves throwing around a pigskin should attract so many uncouth swine. Oh wait, in light of Janet Jackson's halftime performance, instead of football perhaps I should refer to it as breastball. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha. (chuckles. Singing like Bruce Springsteen.)Wo wo wo, I'm on fire. Ah, well without further adieu let me introduce my first guest, a legend in the world of the bataille a trois...I give you national rock, paper, scissors champ from 1980 to 1987, Mr. Arnold Anderson.

I LIKE THIS OPENING SET-UP...EXCELLENTLY DONE, EXCEPT FOR THE LAST LINE, WHICH READS CONFUSINGLY. MAYBE IT SHOULD SAY..."I GIVE YOU 7-TIME NATIONAL ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS CHAMPION, MR. ARNOLD ANDERSON"...AND IN THE DIALOGUE, MENTION THAT HIS REIGN OCCURRED IN THE 80'S, BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT, AS YOU ESTABLISH HIM AS A HAS-BEEN LATER ON IN THE SKETCH.

[Enter Arnold Anderson]

Edward Pierre: Welcome, welcome. Don't look directly into the camera for your gaze might be too intimidating for our viewers.

Arnold Anderson: Uh, okay. Well I just want to thank you for having me on your show. This is actually the first time I've been interviewed on a show like this.

Edward Pierre: Yes, while every other show is showing us the repugnant 'reality' of middle class America, I choose instead to expose people to the reality of what can be when one strives for greatness.

Arnold Anderson: Why thank you. (into camera)I'd like to send a shout out to my boys in Anaheim!

THIS LINE HERE IS REALLY ODD...IT SEEMS QUITE OUT OF PLACE.

Edward Pierre: Indeed. Anyways, I think what makes your story particularly championic, are the circumstances by which you find yourself back vying for the title. Tell us what happened to end your reign and how you've come back so many years later.

Arnold Anderson: Certainly, well after I won the championship in '87 I was on an all time high. I mean, my fingers were like Midas's. I couldn't so much as stick out a thumb as 5 cabs would stop for me. And the ladies...needless to say, they couldn't get enough of the rock, paper, or scissors.

Edward Pierre: Yes, it is a noble sport indeed.

Arnold Anderson: That's not what I meant.

Edward Pierre: I realise that but I chose to ignore it. Please continue.

THIS EXCHANGE HERE IS PRICELESS. I LOVE PIERRE'S REACTION.

Arnold Anderson: Uh, anyways, after one night of partying I got it in my head to go to Mann's Chinese theater to try and fit my hands into C3PO's hand prints. Now I know the dude is a fruit but I loved him in those movies and basically after 8 lagers, it just seemed like a good idea. So I get there, and remember I'm totally wasted, and as I'm fitting my hands into the imprint an 18 wheeler drives over my hands.

Edward Pierre: How dreadful!

Arnold Anderson: Yeah, well it turns out I wasn't at the Mann's Chinese Theater. I was at a chinese food place in Portland, Maine, called Maine's Chinese Theater. And C3PO's handprint was actually a pothole on a busy highway. Anyways, the doctors saved my hands but due to extensive muscle, tissue and bone damage I was no longer able to open them.

THIS IS A REALLY FUNNY STORY.

Edward Pierre: And hence your long championship run was ended. And on an ironic note, C3PO only has his footprints imprinted in the concrete at the Mann's Chinese theatre.

AND THIS IS A HILARIOUS REJOINDER TO THE STORY. GOOD WORK!

Arnold Anderson: Seriously? Damn. Anyways, yeah I couldn't compete professionally anymore since all I could do was 'rock'. I mean paper covers rock, it's as simple as that.

HAHAHAHA! ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS HUMOR!

Edward Pierre: Indeed. But now modern science has given you another chance.

Arnold Anderson: Yes, thanks to a new procedure they managed to fuse the bones in my hands together and though I have no independent use of my fingers...(opens hands) I can do paper!

Edward Pierre: Incredible.

Arnold Anderson: Yeah, I think being able to do paper will really give me a chance at this year's tournament. Oh yeah, (holding hand up with all fingers straight and extended looking nothing like a W) Westside.

THAT'S GREAT! HE CAN ONLY DO PAPER AND ROCK, AND HE THINKS HE HAS A CHANCE! HAHA! UH, THE "WESTSIDE" THING REALLY SEEMS WEIRD...BUT LIKELY WOULD BE FUNNY JUST FOR ITS STUPIDITY HERE.

Edward Pierre: Not that your tales of boorish behavior haven't been resplendent but I believe it's time to bring out my next guest. Please welcome your sister in arms, 5 time rock, paper, scissors champion Susan Rock.

[Enter Susan Rock wearing a t-shirt that has a thumbs up sign with a red circle around it and red slash through it(a 'No Dynamite' t-shirt), Edward Pierre gets up to greet her.]

HERE, I THINK YOU CALL HER "CURRENT CHAMP" OR SOMETHING...INDICATING SHE'S THE BEST RIGHT NOW, AND ACCENTUATING EVEN MORE SO ANDERSON'S HAS-BEEN STATURE IN YOUR SKETCH.

Arnold Anderson: Hey, what the heck? I thought this was going to be all about me. What's she doing here.

Susan Rock: Relax dude.

Edward Pierre: Yes it is a bit unusual to have a second guest but the moment I saw her I was both struck by her beauty and her aura of greatness and knew she had to be a part of the show.

Arnold Anderson: So what...you're boning her or something?

[Edward Pierre shakes his head at Arnold Anderson and then extends his hand as though he is going to shake Susan Rock's hand but instead he makes a 'scissors' hand gesture while she responds with a rock gesture.]

Edward Pierre: Oh yes, the best never rest. Brilliant.

[Edward Pierre turns away and then quickly turns back with 'paper' hand gesture. Susan Rock responds with 'scissors' hand gesture at the same time.]

Susan Rock: You'll have to do better than that slugger.

Edward Pierre: (deep laughter) Ha ha, indeed you vixen.

[Edward Pierre sits in his chairs facing backwards then spins around quickly and does a 'paper' hand gesture. Susan Rock responds with 'scissors' hand gesture almost before he's spun around.]

Edward Pierre: (on his knees and exstatic)OH OH OH OH. (begins pounding the floor and laughing hysterically) A normal human being would have conjectured 'rock' as my next move, never imagining I'd go for two consecutive 'paper' salvos. But you would have none of it would you? All I wanted was a tie but you wouldn't even give me that. Brilliant!

THIS IS AN EXCELLENT INTERACTION...I IMAGINE THIS BEING SIMPLY HILARIOUS! "SALVOS"...HAHA!

Arnold Anderson: That's it, nobody steals my shine. I challenge you to a show down, right here, right now.

Susan Rock: You're on.

Edward Pierre: I shall referree. (into camera)Turn off you sets, you don't deserve to see this. (to participants)On the count of three. One two...three.

[Susan Rock plays paper, Arnold plays rock.]

Edward Pierre: Ah, (puts hand on Arnold Anderson's shoulder)perhaps if the laws of the universe were different...or perhaps if the paper were dipped in liquid nitrogen then yes...yes maybe then rock could break paper. Sadly though, fair warrior it is thus that once again paper has covered rock.

Arnold Anderson: (fuming about to cry) Yeah, well rock still breaks your face!

[Arnold Anderson punches Edward Pierre in the face.]

THIS IS WHERE THE SKETCH VEERS OFF...I FELT LIKE A COUPLE MORE SHOWDOWNS AND FOLLOWING COMMENTARY BY PIERRE WOULD HAVE BEEN YOUR BEST BET, GIVEN HOW WELL YOU SUCCEEDED WITH THE PIERRE/SUSAN INTERACTIONS.

Arnold Anderson: Oh geez...I'm sorry I just lost it. To be honest I've had a few.

THIS RESPONSE SEEMS FORCED AND WORDY FOR AN APOLOGY FROM A GUY WHO'S JUST PUNCHED THE SHOW HOST IN THE FACE.

Edward Pierre: Indeed you did lose it. I invite you here to be regaled as a champion only to find that the only thing you champion is treachery! Be gone!

Arnold Anderson: Screw this I'm out of here.

[Arnold Anderson tries to give host the finger as he leaves but all his fingers extend.]

Edward Pierre: No need to wave at me like some beauty queen. Just leave!

[Exit Arnold Anderson.]

Susan Rock: I think he was trying to finger you.

Edward Pierre: Indeed. He is like a tiger whose teeth have become damaged and useless. No more is he a proud, majestic beast...now he is a mangled, bitter man-eater. (baby-like)Or in this case man-beater.

Susan Rock: There there, come sit on my lap.

Edward Pierre: It just hurts so much. I just want to educate the brainless television audience watching us right now and show them what a true champion is. And this is what I get for it.

Susan Rock: Aww, c'mon it's okay. How about I buy you some ice cream.

Edward Pierre: Yes...yes I do so love ice cream. Sometimes I think it's the only thing man has invented that doesn't cause me pain.

Susan Rock: There there. It's gonna be alright.

[Susan Rock nestles Edward Pierre's head in her bosom. He smiles at the camera then covers his eyes.]

Edward Pierre: Make them go away.

Susan Rock: Cut (does 'scissors' gesture with movement). That's enough. (makes 'paper' gesture with motion)I said cut it. (makes fist or 'rock' gesture and grimaces at the camera.)

[Fade out]

THIS IS A REALLY WEIRD ENDING. I'D SAY YOU WOULD WIN WITH A SHOWDOWN BETWEEN ROCK AND ANDERSON, AND PIERRE'S SILLY COMMENTARY ON THE MATCH, AND THEN WITH ONE OF THE TWO WINNING, AND HIM CROWNING THEM CHAMP, OR SOMETHING. AS IS, IT REALLY VEERS OFF INTO THE UNREALISTIC AND UNGAINLY.

JPIII

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