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Date Posted: 12:33:07 06/11/06 Sun
Author: Prateek S.
Subject: I don't know if you recieved this Pat,
In reply to: Patrick Lonergan 's message, "REVIEWS: Stephen Colbert 06/10/06" on 22:12:11 06/10/06 Sat

There was one other sketch I had Pat, I don't know if you recieved it so I'll post it here.

A Night to Forget
Tagline: Calvin has a hard time mingling at a party
Calvin... Stephen Colbert
Malik... Kenan Thompson
Michael... Seth Meyers
Jerry... Fred Armisen
Christine... Rachel Dratch
Rick Stanford... Bill Hader
Amanda... Amy Poehler
Girl... Kirsten Wiig
Man... Andy Samberg
Alabaster... Steve Carrell (special guest)

(Open to Calvin and Malik standing outside on front porch. Calvin is in a red striped button down collared shirt and khakis. Malik is in a green t-shirt and jeans)

Malik: I’m just want to warn you. I don’t know anyone at this party, are you sure it’s okay that I came unannounced.

Calvin: Oh don’t worry my friend. (laughs casually) Remember to be yourself and if things go wrong stick with me. Because socializing at parties is my forte!

Malik: Man, I don’t know how you do it good job and good socializing skills. You are definitely tasting the sweet life 24/7.

Calvin: Oh I don’t want to boast... but yes I taste the sweet life every moment of my life. I wish there more hours in a day just so I could have even more happiness.

Malik: That is very righteous.
(Calvin and Malik enter. Michael walks up to them.)

Michael: Hey Calvin... oh is this Malik?

Malik: You know me, I thought you said you didn’t tell him about me!

Michael: Calvin said you were coming with him. Hey did you know Cindy Warzecha?

Malik: Yeah! (lights up)

Michael: Hey Calvin, you’ll be okay right? I’m taking Malik over to meet some people.

Calvin: Don’t worry about anything. You see I’d like to think mingling is a forte of mine, that and dog grooming.(Looks around and notices Malik and Michael have left. He walks over to the living room where guests have already begun socializing. He notices a couple sitting and conversing by the couch)

Jerry: Oh the Eiffel Tower. Wasn’t it a magical land-mark?

Calvin: I can’t help but overhear your conversation. I just love Paris and Italy.

Jerry: Oh you’ve been to Europe as well?

Calvin: Well no, but I sure do a good conversation about Paris!

Christine: How could anyone love Paris if they haven’t been to it?

Calvin: Well... I’ve read books and it sure would be fun to go there.

Christine: Yeah...

Calvin: Hey you guys want something to drink.

Jerry: Tom Collins on the rocks.

Christine: Michelob light.
(Calvin walks off. Jerry and Christine look weirdly at him)

Jerry: Who was that?

Christine: I don’t know... did he even introduce himself?

Jerry: Nope.
(Calvin comes back)

Calvin: Here’s a Rod Tobbins and a Heinkein!

Christine: Uh... I asked for a Michelob.

Jerry: It’s not Rod Tobbins, it’s called Tom Collins. (looks at his drink) And this is Coke mixed with Mountain Dew?

Calvin: Oh sorry, I uh... I’m a bit nervous actually. So-

Jerry: Wait... where’s your drink.

Calvin: Oh I wasn’t thirsty.
(Jerry and Christine look at him oddly)

Calvin: Yeah... so where are you guys from?

Jerry: If you’ll excuse us, we have to go.(Christine and Jerry walk away shaking their heads)


Calvin: I uh... wow! (Shakes himself off) Did I screw up their drinks or something? No worries, I’m just a little rusty in my mingling. Time to regroup and take back the night!
(Calvin stands around for a bit before he walks into the other room. He notices a group of Rick, Amanda and 3 extras sitting around chatting. He stares at them for a minute)

Calvin:(breathes heavily)Just be yourself. C’mon you’re a social beast!
(He walks over to the group and sits down. They don’t notice him and continue to converse)

Rick Stanford: So I was enjoying the fall foliage and who do I run into but Bill Gates. He’s a friendly guy!

Amanda: Oh my god Princeton weather is great this time of the year as well. You get great flowers and lacrosse games on the main lawn.

Calvin: Haha yeah sure do love lacrosse.
(Everyone looks at him)

Rick Stanford: You’re a Princeton alum as well. Rick Stanford’s the name.

Calvin: Oh no. I didn’t. I’m sorry.

Rick Stanford: No it’s cool. Where you from?

Calvin: Oh hey, my name is Calvin.

Amanda:(confused) He asked you where you from.

Calvin: Oh I know, I was just wanted to introduce myself. Oh and I’m from CHI-Town.

Rick Stanford: CHI-TOWN? No one calls Chicago that. How pathetic!

Calvin: Hehe (laughs) I guess not.

Amanda: Why are you laughing? He’s criticizing you!

Calvin: He is? (Confused) WOW! I am really out of the game! I must look like an ass... ahaha!
(Everyone looks at him oddly.)

Calvin: AHAHA(laughs for a bit before losing his smile) Okay so I may sound awkward but I thought maybe we could laugh it off. So you’re last name’s Stanford and you went to Princeton, irony at it’s finest.

Rick Stanford: Yeah... irony! You a comedian or something?

Calvin: Well I went to community college so you tell me.

Amanda: Enrolling in community college... as a joke?

Calvin: No for real.
(Right after Calvin say the word real, Rick gets up along with the others and they walk away)

Calvin: Catch you guys later. (laughs for a minute before turning serious) No I won’t. What is wrong with me? That’s 2 strikes, I just can’t keep myself laid back. I’m going insane. Wait, wait, maybe words are a bad idea. I’ve got dance moves. Maybe I’ll mingle my way to victory on the dance floor. He gets up and runs down to the basement. Where random people are dancing including Malik.
(Sean Paul’s Temperature pots up)

Malik: Calvin my man. This party is awesome if I’m having a good time you must be having an excellent time.

Calvin: Yeah... a great time. (Calvin starts to dance by waggling his arms around) Yeah yeah, get me some chips and fries with that shake ow!

Malik: Uh what are you doing? Coz, I’m not getting the joke.

Calvin: (stops) Dancing?
(Man and woman dance by him)

Man: I would ask what century it’s from but I don’t think it’s from any century!

Calvin: Hahaha nice one! I’m so old my internal clock is set on Tokyo time!

Woman: Eugh!

Malik: Dude what’s going on? You alright or something. Was it the shrimp or something I knew I shouldn’t have had the snacks.

Man:(laughs) You know this guy?

Malik: Yeah, but I thought he was pretty cool... except for right now.
(Jerry walks onto the floor)

Jerry: Uh he was never cool or interesting. It was just awkward and uncomfortable.

Calvin: Well I’m just a little rusty at mingling.

Jerry: Uh no one is ever rusty at mingling. You’re just weird and probably have some social anxiety issues. Looks like it’s a summer of therapy for you!


Woman: And with those dance moves, I’d think you were raised by centipedes!
(Michael walks onto the dance floor)

Michael: Calvin, this is why I didn’t want to invite you. You’re a weirdo who can’t socialize at a party to save your life.

Malik: What’s going on? Calvin, is this true?

Calvin: Well uh... it is but... what isn’t weird. And I can socialize at a Republican party.

Michael: That makes no sense, you are not funny! Why are you here! (Looks at Malik and how do you know him!

Malik: He just came up to me and invited me to this party. (Looks at Calvin) Do you not go to many parties?

Calvin: What- no I do! I do go to many parties.
(The music stops and everyone continues to look at him.)

Calvin: Okay I don’t but I psyched myself into a confident state and invited a random friend as back up okay! I just thought with a little help and self confidence I would succeed.

Michael: Yeah... success went right out the window the minute you entered. Believe me you guys, if it weren’t for his parents knowing my parents I wouldn’t have invited him.

Calvin: But hey I’m still cool if my friend’s cool with you guys then I must be alright.

Malik: First off I’m you’re accountant not you’re friend! I assumed that you were just casually inviting me and not using me as a backup! GOD!

Michael: Calvin, I think you should leave!

(Calvin sadly walks outside and sits on the curb. Alabaster a man dressed in an ugly raincoat and a rainbow hat sits down next to him.)

Alabaster: Hey

Calvin: Hey (a beat) wait... I don’t know you.

Alabaster: You don’t know me, because you are me. And I am you!

Calvin: That makes no sense.

Alabaster: Are you really one to decide what makes sense? Think about it, there’s a party in there and we’re out here like social rejects. The reason is because of the “that guy” curse.

Calvin: The what?

Alabaster: We are destined to be “that guys” people who are friendly but never go to parties or dance or do anything fun. When we try to go to parties chaos and awkwardness ensues!

Calvin: Chaos and awkwardness, you’ve got my number friend.

Alabaster: The name’s Alabaster, I am the scarred partygoer.

Calvin: What?

Alabaster: The scarred partygoer goes around to different social functions reliving my awkward social gathering memories. Wow you think saying some weird crap is bad, I got my foot stuck in the toilet once and then I socked the caterer who collapsed on the desserts.

Calvin: Wow. So you wanna get a beer?

Alabaster: Best idea I heard all night!

Calvin: Psyche! You fell for it! I’m too cool to hang out with weirdos like you!

Alabaster: Did you not just see the events that unfolded tonight!

Calvin: Yeah, so what. This just a night to forget. I’ll bounce back and if I don’t... there’s always a Charles in Charge marathon waiting up for me.
(Alabaster gets up walks away. Calvin gets up and continues with his waggling awkward dance moves. The scene fades to black)

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