Sketch: Holiday Hutch -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 07:10:51 12/09/05 Fri
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Sketch: Holiday Hutch
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Sketch for Alec's show" on 07:06:55 12/09/05 Fri

HOLIDAY HUTCH
Jason Dignard & Jim Bevan

*Tagline: The Laugh Shack's Jared and his wife sell questionable holiday paraphanelia.

Jared... Will Forte
Angela... Kristen Whig
Customer #1... Rachel Dratch
Customer #2... Alec Baldwin
Rabbi... Chris Parnell
Customer #3...Fred Armisen
Husband...Jason Sudeikis
Wife...Amy Poehler
Black Customer... Finesse Mitchell

(open on an outlet-store like setting with various Christmas and winter-decorations in the background: inflatable snowmen and Santas, fake snow on the windows, holly and ivy on the counter, a fully decorated tree, ect. Jared and Angela stand behind the counter, both dressed in red and green.)

Angela: I'm glad you brought me in to help you out at your new business, honey. But are you sure you can afford to be away from the other shops?

Jared: Nothing to worry about, Angie baby. Norman's got everything under control at the Inconvenience Store, and Worthington's doing a great job handling gag and panty sales. Besides, now's the perfect time for a business such as this. People need one-stop place to shop for all their holiday needs.

Angela: I see what you mean. (smiling) I'm positive this store is going to do great!

Jared (confidently): Yep. It's bound to be as successful as all my other businesses.

(a woman approaches the counter carrying a tray covered in plastic wrap. Jared and Angela look at her with creepy, unsettling expressions.)

Jared (over-enthusiastic): Good afternoon, and welcome to the Holiday Hutch. How can I help you today?

Customer #1 (put off): Uh, yes. I was looking at the pre-packaged gingerbread cookies you're offering, and I noticed something quite disturbing.

Angela: Oh, really? What did you find that was so upsetting?

Customer #1: Well, take a look at these. (She points to the cookies on the tray.) I saw that these gingerbread men had little beards and mustaches. At first I thought those were made of sprinkles or licorice bits, but when I looked closer I realized it was hair. Why on earth would you put actual hair on something meant for human consumption?

Angela (nonchalant): Oh. That gives them authenticity.

Customer #1 (a beat, then confused): What?

Jared: Yes. You see, these are specialized gingerbread dictators. Each one shaped and molded to resemble one of the twentieth century's most depraved rulers. And as so many of these inhuman monsters had facial hair, we scoured barber shops and salons across the city to match folicular color and texture. (He begins to point out various dictators on the tray.) See, right here. There's Arafat, there's Idi Amin, Pol Pot, Stalin, oh, can't forget Hitler. Man it was hell getting hairs the right length for his 'stache.

Customer #1 (shocked): And you actually expect people to buy effigies of some of history's biggest mass murderers and tyrants?

Jared: Well, sure. I mean, if you can get past their crimes against humanity, you'll find they are tasty as hell. (He opens the packet and pulls one out.) And as long as you don't mind getting hair in your teeth...

Angela (interrupting): And he doesn't mind at all, I can attest to that if you know what I mean.

Jared (chuckling): Oh you saucy vixen. (The two begin laughing, making their customer quite uncomfortable. Jared takes a bite of the figure, smiles, and mimics a Jackie Gleason voice.) Mmmm, that's good Khadafi.

Customer #1: You people are insane. I am going to fight tooth and nail to make sure this madhouse is shut down.

(The female customer walks away. A man soon takes her place at the counter.)

Angela: Good afternoon, sir. What can we do for you today?

Customer #2: Yeah. My family moved to a new house in April and our Christmas decorations got damaged during the move. I've been buying replacements, but every place I've gone to so far doesn't carry any good garland. I was hoping that this place would have some quality garland. You know, the kind that has a nice shine but that's not gonna have all its leaves fall off or snap or get knotted. That just gets so damn frustrating.

Jared: Tell me about it. I hate getting that crap all twisted up in knots and having parts shed off.

Customer #2: Oh, you have trouble with garland also?

Jared (nonchalant): Garland? (a beat) I thought we were talking about our penises.

(there's an uncomfortable silence between the three)

Customer #2 (hesitant): Right... anyway, do you have any high-grade garland?

Jared: You are in luck my friend. We happen to have the highest grade! Angela, can you get it for him?

Angela: Sure thing honey.

(Angela reaches down beneath the counter and pulls up a steel crate with a radiation warning symbol on it. She flips a latch and opens the crate, which eminates a bright green glow. Reaching in, she pulls out a wreath of brightly shining silver garland. Jared closes the crate as the customer looks on dumbfounded. She holds the wreath before him.)

Angela: This is the finest garland you can buy. Doesn't bend, shed or snap, and it will glow brightly for your next thirty thousand Christmases.

Customer #2 (worried): Is that radioactive?

Jared: You have a very astute eye, sir. This was enriched in a bath of polonium waste.

Customer #2 (still worried): Polonium?!

Jared (cheerful): That's right. Element number eighty four on the periodic table, atomic mass of two hundred nine grams per mole, discovered by the Curies in 1898...

Customer #2 (frantically): All right, stop it, stop it! That's incredibly dangerous material you're handling! Have you even thought about the health risks?!

Angela (perky): Not to worry, sir. Here at the Holiday Hutch, we provide remedies for any and all side effects our products may cause. (She reaches up to her head and pulls off her hair, which was a wig, revealing that she's bald. This act disgusts the customer.) For this product, we offer free wigs and toupees to compensate for any radioactive garland-attributed hair loss. And when you handle such harmful material as frequently as I do, that's a welcome treat.

Jared: And, should the radiation poisoning progress into further deterioration, we provide free dentures as well. Show him, honey.

(Angela reaches for her mouth, and the customer starts to shudder.)

Customer #2 (sickened): No, no, stop. You don't have to show me; I can do without those visions haunting my sleep. Look, I'm going to have to leave. I have to visit a friend at the biochemical plant... and ask him if the decontamination showers are open to the public.

(The customer rushes out of the store. Angela shrugs and tosses the radioactive garland back over her shoulder. A man dressed in rabbinical clothing walks up to the counter and gets a shock when he sees the bald woman standing there.)

Rabbi (cautiously): Excuse me...

Angela (turning to the rabbi): Yes, what can I do for you Deacon?

Rabbi (caught off guard): What... first off, it's not "deacon." That's way off. Secondly, I was hoping that this store might have some menorahs for sale. The temple's is badly rusted, and I desperately need a new one for the Hanukkah services.

Angela (perky): I believe we have just what you're looking for. Hold on, Reverend, and I'll be right back.

(Angela heads out from behind the counter as the rabbi tries to correct her.)

Rabbi: No, again that's the wrong... oh, forget it.

Jared: Oh, don't let that bother you. My wife has trouble getting all those faiths straightened out anyway.

Rabbi (skeptical): Well I don't see how hard it is to separate a Christian preacher from a Jewish one. (he begins to eyeball Jared) Pardon me for stating this, but you look familiar. I can swear I've seen you before.

Jared: I get that a lot. Have you ever shopped at the Laugh Shack?

Rabbi: Oh, you mean that horrendous prank shop? Yes, the city's spiritual leaders held an interfaith vigil some months back to pray that such a dreadful business be closed for good.

Jared (nodding): Yup, that store was mine.

(upon hearing this, the rabbi does a double take.)

Rabbi: My better judgement tells me that I should leave right now, but for some reason I have to see what's coming up.

(Angela returns carrying a beautiful golden menorah. She puts it down on the counter.)

Angela: Will this do, Father?

Rabbi (studying the menorah): My word, this is spectacular. The craftsmanship is unparalleled. I must say this is a very pleasant surprise.

Jared (interjecting): And as an added bonus, there's no need for candles. Watch.

(He flicks a switch at the bottom of the menorah and streams of flame shoot up from the candle holders. They die down after a few seconds. The rabbi is in shock, but Jared and Angela don't seem phased at all.)

Rabbi (stunned): What on earth was that about?!

Jared: Built-in defense mechanism, sir. It comes with a motion-sensor relay as well. Just place it under the window and any intruders will have a very unpleasant reception.

Rabbi: But that's absurd. Aside from the fact that it's security overkill, who would want to break into a synagogue?

Angela: You never know in this crazy world, sir. Might be some neo-Nazis or Islamic radicals looking to cause trouble, a few punk vandals, or maybe some greedy burglar breaking in to steal the Jew money you've horded away in your temple.

Rabbi (offended): I beg your pardon...

Jared (in a calming tone): Just hear us out, Bishop. Reports have shown that anti-Semitic attacks have risen sharply in the past few years. Living in such a hostile environment, you're better off having a good defense.

Angela: Yeah, haven't you been watching the news? I mean, you guys control the media, I would think you'd pay more attention to it.

Rabbi (furious): Good day to the both of you!

(the rabbi storms out of the shop as Jared and Angela wave goodbye to him.)

Angela: Shalom.

Jared: L'chaim.

Angela (to Jared): Was he Jewish?

Jared: I don't think so.

(A new customer enters the store with a joyous look on his face)

Customer #3 (cheerful): Hi, there. Merry Christmas.

Jared: Merry Christmas.

Angela: Same to you. How can we help you this chilly day?

Customer #3: I was looking for a scented candle to light on Christmas morning. We're going to have a big dinner, and I want everything to be perfect.

Jared: Well, I don't blame you. You want everything to go absolutely right on your holiday, for it only happens once a year.

Customer #3: Too true. Do you have anything that will bring out the aroma of a delicious turkey feast?

Angela: Let's take a look over here, shall we?

(all three go over to a podium with several scented candles)

Customer #3: I think the ideal scent would be something like cinnamon or ginger. What would you recommend?

Jared: Okay, we have skunk scented, one with onions, sulfur smells....

Customer #3 (confused): Wait, what?

Angela: No, wait. There's many more different aromas. Barnyard. Bleu Cheese. Wet Dog.

Jared: Cigarette Smoke. Used Urinal Cake. Pepper.

Customer #3 (surprised): Pepper? I'm asuming the black kind.

Jared: One in the very same.

Angela: There's Garbage Water. Breath From A Man With Halitosis.

Jared: Elephant Fart. Cocaine.

Customer #3 (not amused): That one's just stupid.

Jared: Black Diarrhea....there are so many.

Customer #3 (exasperated): You know, this is just going nowhere. I'm probably going to regret this, but I'm looking for something else.

Angela: Name it.

Jared: I guarantee you we have something like it.

Customer #3: I believe you. I actually need a nativity scene.

Angela: That shouldn't be a problem.

Jared: Come here. Let me show you this.

(Jared leads him to a table featuring a nativity scene with several different toys as many of the holy entities)

Angela (overcome with emotion): Isn't is beautiful?

Customer #3 (confused): What the hell is this?

Jared: It's a nativity scene. I honestly don't remember who was there the day Jesus was born, so I thought why not make it a fun-filled menagerie of dolls?

Customer #3 (angered): But, look at what you have here. You have dolls of Larry Fine, Mr. T and Screech from Saved By The Bell as the three wise men. Joseph is a G.I. Joe, and Mary is a Chatty Kathy. And for God's sake, why is the baby Jesus being portrayed by a giant blowup doll with the likeness of Brooke Shields? Surely, you know this is just sacrilegious.

Angela: Actually, we're just showing you what we had from our home. You can fill up any of these nativity scenes with anything you have at home.

Jared: I would probably use wrestling action figures, if I had any.

Customer #3 (outraged): You people should be put away, for good!

(the customer exits in rage. A married couple walks up to Jared and Angela.)

Angela: Hi, there. What can we do you for?

Husband: We were looking for a choir boy doll that holds one of those candles that lights up.

Wife: Yes. We wanted something to brighten up the living room.

Jared: You're in luck. We have one of those right here.

(They walk back to the counter where Jared pulls out a
choir boy doll holding a candle near its crotch)

Wife (enthralled): Oooh, honey. What do you think?

Husband (put off by the image): It's a... bit disturbing.

Angela: Well, many dolls do look strange, but they're all filled with love!

Husband (hesitant): I don't know. He looks like he's having too much fun.

Wife: Well, we were also looking for a Santa Claus.

Angela (inquisitive): A talking Santa Claus?

Wife: Yeah, that would be great. Just what we were looking for.

(Jared pulls out a normal looking Santa Claus with happy grin on its face and string coming out from behind its back)

Jared: All it says is "HO HO HO!" I hope that's okay.

Wife: Let's try it, honey.

(she pulls the string and Santa Claus says "HO HO HO" in orgasmic tone, as if each word brings him closer to....you know.)

Husband (shocked): Omigod.

Angela: Impressive, isn't it? And the more times you pull it, the louder it gets.

Jared: It only takes a few pulls. Watch. (he pulls the string and Santa Claus is louder and more disturbing)

Wife (disgusted): Gross! Let's get out of here, honey. You people are the worst group of degenrates I have ever met!

(wife leaves)

Husband (angrily): Yeah! (he starts to leave, then stops and looks back at Jared and Angela, adressing them with a happy voice.) Thank you! This store may have single-handedly saved my sex life. (he leaves)

Jared (crying out to the couple): We're willing to discuss a bargain with you on any purchase! We'll give out free mistletoe candy!

(An African American man enters and comes up to the counter. The owners look at him.)

Black Customer: Hi, uh, I was wondering if you could help me?

Angela: Well, we will certainly try to, sir. How can we assist you?

Black Customer: Yes. I read in your ad that you carry merchandise for all holidays, even the lesser known, less publicized ones.

Jared (proudly): That we do, my good man. Here at the Holiday Hutch we don't restrict our stock to Christmas and Hanukkah merchandise. We find that it's important to provide the necessary material to those people who celebrate other festivities. Just because their holidays don't garner the same notoriety, that's no reason to deprive them of the means to enjoy it.

Black Customer (pleased): I'm glad to hear that, it's so nice to know that at least one business in this city can help me. My neighborhood is preparing for Kwanzaa, and I voluteered to get some material for the celebrations: cloths, Unity Cups, mats...

(He is interrupted when Jared and Angela burst out in laughter. The customer can only look at them in shock.)

Jared (wiping a tear from his eye): Oh, God, I'm sorry. I guess we should have specified. We only carry merchandise for real holidays. Kwanzaa! Really!

(Jared starts laughing hard again, rejoining his wife. The customer, offended, turns and storms out of the store as the owners loudly chuckle.)

(fade out)

- Oh, the word "real" in Jared's last line should be italicized.

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