Cold Opening- A Message from President Bush -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 20:43:37 02/27/06 Mon
Author: Brian Dean
Subject: Cold Opening- A Message from President Bush

Here's my idea for this week's cold opening. Like many it is a political one.

Don Pardo...Announcer
Will Forte...George W. Bush
Darrel Hammond...Bill Clinton

(Cut to the Presidential insignia)

Announcer: And now a message from the President of the United States.

Pres. Bush: Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight my aides, you know the 'rents, told me I should hold a prime time press conference. They keep blah-blah blahing about my low approval ratings and how now even the Republicans are questioning my policies. But things are great.

I mean sure New Orleans is still all messed up and energy prices are high but so what. (Nervous laugh) And yeah now it looks like North Korea and Iran have WMDs but at least we know Iraq don't got 'em (Another nervous laugh) And it looks like every day another Republican is charged with something. (Starts wiping his brow.) Brownie, Delay, hell even Uncle Dick shot a dude in the face. And yeah it looks like Iraq is about to be engulfed in civil war and the troops will never leave.But at least...at least...

(Bush begins to break down crying)

Bush: Oh who am I kidding? I hate being president. It's no fun and hard work. I hate work and not having fun. It's not fair. I thought the second term would be a breeze but it's not.

(To the camera.)

Bush: No one ever wants to talk to me anymore. The other day I called Gov. Mitt Romney, but he talked about was Ports this and UAE that. I didn't even know what he was talking about. I can't even watch TV anymore. All I hear is that Dick likes shooting old men in the face and how I'm letting terroists into the country. It's hard work.

(Bill Clinton enters the room with a cigar in one and and a glass of scotch in the other.)

Clinton: Hey George, whats the good word?

Bush: Bill Clinton, how did you get in here?

Clinton: (Chuckling) Oh hell, the guard at the gate is an old friend of mine from time in the office. (Looking around at the Oval Office) Damn I got me some memories in this room. Both good and bad.

Bush: Speaking of bad, Bill that's all I'm gettin' these days. Nothings going right. (Cries on Clinton's shoulder while Clinton shows a look of both glee and pity at Bush)I don't wanna be President no more. (Looks at Clinton) Do you want it back. Honest Injun, I'll give right back right now.

Clinton: (Chuckling again) Sorry George. But I've done my time in Shawshank and I'm never coming back to the spotlight. I'm just here for a stroll down memory lane. Besides Hillary will be the prez in two years and I'll be back as the First Gentleman like that show with Geena Davis. (Chuckles) She may be hot, but that show sucks. But let me give you one piece of advice from one two-termer to another.

Bush: What's that?

Clinton: Don't pork any of the interns. Hell I presided a term with a kickass economy and relative calm in the world and she got me damn near kicked out of office on my ass.

Bush: (Crying again) Oh God! (Put's his head on the desk)

Clinton: Well he'll be like that for another hour, so that gives the chance to say...LIVE FROM NEW YORK IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!

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Replies:

Um... that was bad. (NT) -- A harsh critic, 21:02:23 02/27/06 Mon