Guinness ad parodies -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 16:37:55 03/10/06 Fri
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Guinness ad parodies
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Sketches for the Matt Dillon episode" on 16:33:56 03/10/06 Fri

Guinness Draught Ad #1
Jim Bevan

*Tagline: The Guinness Brewmasters prepare for St. Patrick's Day.

Brewmaster 1... Darrell Hammond
Brewmaster 2... Will Forte
Announcer... Chris Parnell

(open on a still shot of the Guinness Brewery. The scene then shifts to an office inside, which is seen in black and white. The two Brewmasters stand as they do in the commercials, 1 on the left, 2 on the right. Brewmaster 1 is standing near a keg. They both speak with the Irish accents you hear in the commercials.)

Brewmaster 2: What new breakthroughs have you come up with for our Saint Paddy's Day celebration?

Brewmaster 1: I've discovered a way to store our Guinness Draught in this metal keg. (he pumps the keg and fills up two mugs) The metal keeps the beer nice and cold, and you can tap it to get a quick refill. (He gives one of the mugs to his colleague, who sets it down on a table.)

Brewmaster 2 (amazed): It keeps the beer cold and it provides quick easy refills? Brilliant! What else have you got?

Brewmaster 1: You know how every time you have too much to drink at the pub you pass out and that fag O'Shaughassey bones you up the arse?

Brewmaster 2 (mournful): Aye, I'm still farting blood.

Brewmaster 1: Well, I've invented this. (He pulls a butt plug out of his pocket and shows it to his colleague) Before you head out to get loaded you shove this up your cornhole and the next time you pass out, he won't be able to ream you.

Brewmaster 2 (amazed): Stick it up me pooper so I don't get man-raped? Brilliant!

Brewmaster 1: Brilliant!

(Brewmaster 2 takes the butt plug and moves it down to his pants. The camera shot changes to a close-up of his head. You can see his face strain as he shoves the plug up his rectum. He moans, grits his teeth and tears start to form around his eyes. After a few seconds, he finally finishes and breathes a sigh of relief. The camera pans out to show both Brewmasters, with the second one's pants down around his ankles. They both pick up their beers.)

Brewmaster 2: (in a high-pitched voice) Brilliant.

(They clink their mugs together in a toast. The scene then shifts back to the outside still of the brewery.)

Announcer: Guinness reminds you to drink responsibly this Saint Patrick's Day. Especially if you're around homos.
(fade out)
------------------------------------------------------------
Guinness Draught Ad #2
by Jason Dignard & Jim Bevan

*Tagline: More "brilliant" innovations from the brewmasters.

Brewmaster 1... Darrell Hammond
Brewmaster 2... Will Forte
Announcer... Chris Parnell

(open on a still shot of the Guinness Brewery. The scene then shifts to an interior office where the Brewmasters are standing.)

Brewmaster 1: My friend, I have come up with something quite exquisite for our Guinness draught beer.

Brewmaster 2: Well, what is it?

Brewmaster 1: I call it a can (He produces a beer can from behind his back).

Brewmaster 2 (puzzled): A can?

Brewmaster 1: Yes, see. The aluminum is more resistant than glass, so it can't be broken as easily. And look....you open the can by pulling back on this tab, and the hissing sound it makes means it�s perfectly cold and well carbonated.

Brewmaster 2 (amazed): Our best alcoholic beverage inside a receptacle not made out of fragile glass? Brilliant!

Brewmaster 1: And watch! When you hit the aluminum canister against your head, it won�t shatter into hundreds of pieces and your face will not require several stitches. (hits can against his head and crumples it)

Brewmaster 2: What an innovation! What else do you have?

Brewmaster 1: You know how every St. Paddy�s Day you go home with a big lump on your head from a barroom squabble?

Brewmaster 2: Do tell.

Brewmaster 1: I have created this helmet made out of plastic. (He produces a helmet from behind his back) It will protect your cranium from blunt objects. Watch. (takes pool cue and snaps it in two over helmet)

Brewmaster 2 (amazed): Keeps me noggin from getting bashed in by a billiard cue? Brilliant!

Brewmaster 1: And as an added benefit, O�Shaughnassey won't be able to take advantage of you since you won't be unconscious.

Brewmaster 2: Genius!

Brewmaster 1: Genius!

(He gives Brewmaster 2 a can of beer and they clink them together. The scene shifts to the still of the brewery's exterior.)

Announcer: Guinness reminds you to always drink responsibly. And never get into a barroom argument near a pool table unless you're well protected.
(fade out)
------------------------------------------------------------Guinness Draught Ad #3
Prateek Srivastava

*Tagline: The only way to really celebrate St. Patrick's Day.

Brewmaster 1� Darrell Hammond
Brewmaster 2� Will Forte
Announcer� Chris Parnell

(open on a still shot of the Guinness Brewery. The scene then shifts to an interior office where the Brewmasters are standing.)

Brewmaster 1: Friend of all friends I have come up with the ultimate dispenser for our lavish draught beer!

Brewmaster 2 (sounding a little stoned): What is it you frilly waffleman?

Brewmaster 1 (confused): Eh?

Brewmaster 2: Oh, with all these aluminum cans being built I decided to store my paints in them as well, and I may have sniffed the fumes.

Brewmaster 1: Well I�ve thought of this apparatus quite nicely� (he pulls out a funnel with a coil pipe) I call it the beer bong!

Brewmaster 2:(intrigued) A beer bong?! How does it work?

Brewmaster 1: You pour the beer down the funnel and one person uses the coil and sucks intensely to achieve a higher state of mind. Meanwhile random acquaintances stand around and shout "Chug you filthy animal, chug!

Brewmaster 2 (amazed): Brilliant! I�ll be lit beyond my dreams and even faster than I would sniffing paint thinner!

Brewmaster 1: Ah, and I thought of an action phrase to help sell this beer bong!

Brewmaster 2 (sounding really out of it): Wait� I have good news you ya frilly waffleman, I just saved a bunch of time and money by switching to beer bong. I got lit just as fast!

Brewmaster 1 (confused): My friend� how did you know what I my campaign phrase was?

(Brewmaster 2 collapses as Brewmaster looks on with astonishment)

(The scene cuts to the outside still of the brewery.)

Announcer: Guinness reminds you to never drink paint thinner, always buy our products and always ripoff other companies' ad slogans! Happy St. Patrick�s Day you frilly wafflemen!

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Replies:

number 4... -- jennings, 03:36:01 03/11/06 Sat