Sketch - Oedipus Wrecked -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

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Date Posted: 20:00:33 09/30/05 Fri
Author: Jim Bevan
Subject: Sketch - Oedipus Wrecked
In reply to: Jim Bevan 's message, "Re: Sketches" on 19:49:34 09/30/05 Fri

This is an idea I've had for a while, my own twisted take on a classic Greek myth. I hope it's funny.

OEDIPUS WRECKED
Jim Bevan

Oedipus... Seth Meyers
Sphinx... Amy Poehler

(Open on a desert setting in the middle of the day. Large stones are scattered about the area, and a path has been worn in the sand, caused by travelers passing through. A young man, Oedipus, enters from the right walking along the path. He is clad in a white toga that covers his chest and lower body down to his ankles, as well as sandals. He sings to himself as he travels)

Oedipus (singing to the tune of "Rock Me, Amadeus"): You are a superstar, you beat the punks at Troy; you're a hero, you're a legend, come and rock me Agamemnon! (switches to a falsetto voice for the chorus) Agamemnon, Agamemnon, Agamemnon; Agamemnon, Agamemnon, oh oh oh, Aga...

(His singing is interrupted when a strange beast jumps out from behind one of the boulders and gets in front of him. It is the Sphinx, greatly resembling a normal woman clad in a white robe, but with cat-like ears, lion paws for hands and feet, and a lion's tail protruding from the rear of her robe.)

Sphinx (enthusiastic): Hi there.

Oedipus (shocked): Aah!

(Surprised by the appearance of the beast, Oedipus stumbles backwards and falls on his butt in the dirt. Seeing this, the Sphinx grabs his hand and helps him up.)

Oedipus (still a little nervous): Oh, th-thank you very much.

Sphinx: No problem. I apologize if I frightened you.

Oedipus (calming down): Frightened? No, no, I, I wasn't scared. You caught me off guard, my dear.

Sphinx: Huh, is that so? (She goes behind him and looks down at his butt.) Doesn't really look like you kept your cool there, buddy.

Oedipus (confused): What are you talking about? (He looks over his shoulder checks out his butt, then gets an embarassed look on his face. He then turns around to face the Sphinx). That... that's from the road! I must have fallen into a muddy patch!

Sphinx (sarcastically): Okay, sure, you fell into some mud. (returns to a normal tone) Let's put that little incident behind us for now. Tell me stranger, who are you?

Oedipus: I am Oedipus of Corinth. I was named so due to the swollen feet I had as an infant.

Sphinx: Is that so?

(The Sphinx gets a strange grin on her face and begins eyeballing him up and down. Oedipus seems put off by this strange action.)

Oedipus (confused): Forgive me, but I must ask... what are you doing?

(the Sphinx stops evaluating him)

Sphinx: Oh, uh... this is going to seem kind of foolish, but I wanted to see if the tales were true. Heh, you know what they say a guy with swollen feet has.

Oedipus (nodding): I'd be a happy man if that were true. Sorry to disappoint you.

Sphinx: No problem. But that's the last time I believe a rumor from those bitchy Sirens. Anyway, it's a pleasure to meet you Oedipus. (she shakes his hand) I am the Sphinx, daughter of Typhon and Echidna, bearer of ill fortune and destruction.

Oedipus (sarcastically): You must be quite popular with that reputation. (The Sphinx scowls) Oh, again, I apologize, but you bring up another question. You stated that you are descended from Typhon and Echidna, king and queen of all monsters, and I have been told that they are great serpent beasts. If your parents are reptiles, why are you a mammal?

Sphinx (pauses for a moment while she thinks): You know, they never really explained that to me. My best guess is they did some drugs when I was conceived.

Oedipus (nodding): Ah, makes sense.

Sphinx: Yeah. By the way, kid, a little word of advice: guys who go around pointing out inconsistencies and plot holes aren't too popular at the orgies. Just thought you might like to know that. (Oedipus nods again in understanding.) So, I guess you're going to Thebes. Mind if I ask why?

Oedipus (sighs): I'm traveling to Thebes in order to escape a most horrible fate. The Oracle of Delphi told me that I was destined to murder my father and wed my mother.

Sphinx: Wooh, that's nasty. But if your destiny is to marry your mom, I'm surprised (shifts to a stereotypical redneck accent) ya don't talk lahk this. (shifts back to her normal voice and chuckles lightly)

Oedipus (scowling and unammused): I'm glad you find that so funny. I had to leave my home and my family so that this tragedy would not come to pass. How could I live with myself if I did such a thing to my parents?! We'd be dragged on the Jerius Springericles show at the theater and be laughingstocks. (sighs again) So, to save my parents and myself, I must find a new life elsewhere. Hopefully, a better existance awaits me in Thebes. Now, I must be off.

(Oedipus turns and starts to walk off, but the Sphinx runs in front of him and blocks his path)

Sphinx: Woah, hold up there, kid. I can't let you go so quickly. If you want to go to Thebes, you have to pass my challenge.

Oedipus (confused): A challenge? What's the meaning of this?

Sphinx (nonchalantly): Look, I'm a monster. We're supposed to make life difficult for you guys. Admittedly, the tax collectors have us beat in the overall torture department, but I'd like to think that we look better than a lot of them...

Oedipus (becoming annoyed): Can you just pose your challenge so I can go on my way?

Sphinx: All right, calm down. Zeus H. Olympian, you're impatient. Now, all you have to do is answer the riddle I pose to you, and believe me, it is a doozy. Solve it correctly, and you're free to go along. Get it wrong, and you have to turn back... (a beat, then quietly speaking) and I have to kill you.

(Oedipus hears that and gets freaked out)

Oedipus (shocked): What?! You've gotta kill me?!

Sphinx (upset): Oh damn, did you hear that? (moans) Uh, I hate it when the cute guys panic. It just makes this job so much harder.

Oedipus (trying to calm down): It just, it, it just seems odd that you would have to slay me simply because I failed your test, and... you think I'm good looking.

Sphinx: Better than most of the guys I've seen pass by here. Of course, when I remember how a lot of them look, I mostly recall their insides. (she chuckles politely, hoping her humor has eased Oedipus' worries. It clearly hasn't, and she speaks with concern.) Oedipus, I'm sorry about this, really. But this is what I have to do. The gods ordained it. I'd like to let you go by without any troubles, but then my supervisor would give me negative marks, I'd have to clear this mess up at the main office, go through all that red silk... it's just too much of a hassle.

Oedipus: Haven't you let anyone pass by without solving your riddle?

Sphinx: Well, there was that Egyptian guy who was passing through. Poor man, he was just so pathetic I just couldn't bear to mutilate him. He was really grateful for that. Said he'd build a monument in my honor when he got back to Egypt. (she laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. The day you see a Sphinx in Egypt is the day they stop partying in Atlantis. But I got in a Tartarus of a lot of trouble for that, so I can't let anyone else slide. I'm sorry.

(Oedipus falls to his knees and begins to act overdramatically)

Oedipus (shouting in): Oh, cruel fate, will you give me no solace? My hopes to escape my dark future have been dashed by this foul beast's horrid challenge! (The Sphinx scowls upon being called horrid and crosses her arms in anger) Rather than living with the sins of incest and patricide, my life will surely be brought to an end. Is there no relief for Oedipus, son of Polybus and Merope?!

(Upon hearing these names, the Sphinx gets a strange look on her face)

Sphinx (surprised): Polybus and Merope... wait... you're that Oedipus?

(Oedipus rises to his feet and looks at the Sphinx)

Oedipus: You have heard of my name?

Sphinx: Yeah, when you mentioned your name it sounded familiar, but I thought it was just a coincidence. But when you mentioned your parents, it clicked with me - I've heard about you before. The harpies told me all about you from what they heard from the gods. (she chuckles) And buddy, you are not gonna believe what's in store for you in Thebes. You're trying to get away from your destiny, well... (laughs again), oh, I can't spill this secret.

Oedipus (frantic): You know of my fate? Please, you must tell me what awaits me.

Sphinx (thinking): Well... how about this; if you solve my riddle, I'll let you pass by and I'll tell you what your future holds. Sound good?

Oedipus (bravely): Yes, I am prepared. If it will help me avoid tragedy for myself and my loved ones, I would gladly place my life on the line. Proceed with your enigma.

Sphinx: All right, but remember, this will be a killer. In more ways than one if you get it wrong. Ha ha. Okay, here is the riddle. (she clears her throat) What beast walks upon four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?

(After hearing the riddle, Oedipus gets a smile on his face and starts laughing)

Oedipus (laughing): That is your perplexing riddle? (bursts out laughing) Oh Zeus, who came up with that, a retarded nymph? (The Sphinx gets an angry look on her face and crosses her arms; she's ofended) That is so easy. It's man; he crawls on all fours when born, walks upright in the prime of his life, and uses a cane in his twilight years. Is that, is that right? (The sphinx growls and nods her head, making Oedipus laugh louder) Wow, this is incredible. I solved the "deadly" riddle of the Sphinx. Hah hah!

Sphinx (angrily): All right! You've made your point! You think my riddle sucked! The first guy who gets it right has to put me down! (grunts) Just go on your way. (She points off to the left in the direction of Thebes)

Oedipus (calming down): Wait... wait... before I go, you said you'd tell me about my future, what fate has in store for me.

Sphinx (curt): I'm not telling you now. (huffs) You hurt my feelings.

Oedipus: I did? Well, I apologize. I didn't mean to offend you. But the way you hyped it up, and finding it was so easy, that's just rather funny. (The Sphinx "hmphs" in disdain, and Oedipus becomes sympathetic) I truly am sorry, miss Sphinx.

Sphinx (becoming calmer): Okay. I forgive you. But I'm still upset, so I don't feel like telling you my secret now.

Oedipus (shrugging): I understand. Whatever fate awaits me, I'm sure I will figure it out. Now, I'm sorry, but I must be off if I'm to reach Thebes by nightfall. With luck I can get employment at the royal palace. I hear the queen is a real hottie. (Oedipus walks down the path and exits to the left, waving to the Sphinx) Good bye, Sphinx.

(The Sphinx waves back to him as he leaves)

Sphinx: Farewell. (When he's gone, she crosses her arms and tsk-tsks, knowing what is in store for Oedipus) Poor mother-loving shmuck.

(Fade out)

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