Alternate CO -- Saturday Night You Bull Sessions

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, [4], 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 19:57:01 10/03/05 Mon
Author: Prateek S.
Subject: Alternate CO
In reply to: jennings 's message, "A note about writing the Steve Carell episode this week" on 13:31:10 09/26/05 Mon

This cold opening was "cut" from the show. I will give a review of the full show towards the end of the week, but I was wondering what y'all thought of this sketch. Thanks

What About the Season Premiere?

Announcer... Darrell Hammond
John Roberts... Steve Carrell
E! Channel Anchor... Fred Armisen
Ultimate American... Will Forte
... John Goodman(cameo)

(Open to a black screen with the NBC logo)

Announcer: And now it�s time for the season premiere of Saturday Night Live!
(The familiar theme pots up, as the inter-cut images begin. Suddenly the camera cuts to a blue title screen)
Announcer: We interrupt this episode of Saturday Night Live to bring you this special message from Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts.
(Fade to John Roberts sitting in an office)

John Roberts: Hello America, I know you�re tuning into your late night programming. But I just had to intervene. Does it really matter if I interrupt another few minutes of your underrated life? Right now our nation is going through a great crisis-
(The scene is interrupted camera cuts to a green title scene.)

Announcer: We interrupt this message to bring you a special news update from the E! Channel.
(Cut to the E! Channel Anchor on the E! News set)
Anchor: Hey forget about Boring Pants Jackson! I know you�re all just wasting away on NBC. But make sure to check out E! COME ON... YOU KNOW YOU WANT THAT CELEBRITY GOSSIP! And we got that comedy program thing that everyone likes. We show like 2 of those a day, what else do ya guys want? But listen, E! has even more quality programming for the Fall!

For all you sketch comedy fans out there, we have something for ya. From the topsy turvy minds of SNL fans, we present Saturday Night You on E! Get ready to have stoner fan sketches read by some of your favorite celebrities. How about having pedophile JAY-C sketches read by Dakota Fanning? What if crazy race related sketches are your thing? Well we got some, in our compilation episode. The best of the ignorant race sketches read by Tony Danza and sponsored by new ZIT-BLAST-MOFO! It�s ZIT-BLAST-MOFO, the only acne fighting creme that literally pops a cap into a zit�s ass!
(Cut to the blue title screen)

Announcer: We interrupt this E! Channel Turd-a-thon to return to a message from outdated Frankenstein... John Roberts!

John: Hey let�s cut that out. I�m not the biggest hipster okay, and I�m not going to break the precedent set by current politicians. But I will do this, I�m going to have my own dance party. (Cheap music pots up)

John Roberts: I do a mean mambo jambo. LET�S MAMBO!
(Starts slowly dancing arms outstretched like an idiot. No one else comes to dance with him.)

John Roberts: Look at me go!
(John Roberts starts his awful Robot)

John Roberts: Domo Arigato Mr. Machino! I�m doing the machino right?
(Cut to the Ultimate American standing by a nice Cottage with the flag in hand and Patriotic Music pots up)

Announcer: We interrupt these 2 broadcasts to bring you a special message from Ultimate American Mike Smith... look at that crystal clear face and the crystal clear success!

Ultimate American: Hello America! While you watch your pitiful late night show... I will be making over 1 million dollars and donating it to charity. I am the Ultimate American. I was all around, best looking, smartest, and most athletic man in high school and I still am! And my name is Mike Smith... it doesn�t get more American ever. I can say that I never wasted my time watching comedy programs. All they do is dishonor our government. And if you dishonor the government, you should just leave the country!
(Cut back to John Roberts at his desk)

John Roberts: Whatever man, I�m gonna move these people to death... not you! I may be Chief Justice, but I�m still human. Just the other day I lost my I-POD nano. Those damn things are smaller than a deck of cards. How the hell do people hold on to them? They�re small but not small enough! I can barely fit them in my pant pockets. See I�m one of those guys who wear the tight pants. I supposed to wear a 36-38 size and I wear 30-32. So I lost my I-POD and guess what, money doesn�t grow on trees people! I know, I tried planting money trees once and I failed miserably!
(Cut to E! Channel Anchor laughing)

E! Anchor: Heh, I-POD nano $240. Losing the I-POD nano and your dignity in one day... priceless. If you love dumb downed humor like this, you�ll love E!�s new fall lineup. We�ve got more programs about rich white kids doing what they do best. Having sex and being ignorant assholes!
(Cut to Ultimate American)

Ultimate American: You pitiful people spending your money on music. What�s music ever done for you! Does it help you raise a flag, does music help build a better society? By Uncle Sam�s name... no it doesn�t! And to all you people watching your SNL... get a life! You will never make it in life just wasting your Saturdays away. Get out once in awhile, take up a hobby, like Baseball, or Football! I don�t care who are, but if you don�t love baseball... that�s just sick, go back to Canada! Just go back you anti-hobby person! Because I love America, and sports, and church... and BOTOX! Get a shot of that grin.
(His huge smile tightens up even more. His cheeks also puff out. Cut to the E! Channel Anchor)

E! News Anchor: Speaking of self mutilating procedures, how about some medication for those awful thighs. From the makers of Fat Away... it�s FAT Apocalypse. Just insert the Armageddon pills into your system. Tiny enzyme like Satanic demons will release plagues and evils onto your fatty tissue. It will slowly burn away and all that will be left is the smell of burnt lard. Speaking of burned out lard, don�t forget to check out our new reality show called Celebrity Medicine Cabinet. See what pills the stars are poppin. I can bet on one thing, there�s more poppins on this show than in Mary Poppins. Don�t forget all the great beauty product ads we can show in between. And we�ve just got an SNY press release ladies and gentlemen. From Dhoogie Howser, and uh... a dildo commercial, Neil Patrick Harris. Yes, Neil Patrick Harris is on tap to read 4 episodes from the 2003 season. Hear him read about the most surreal Thanksgiving memory ever along with a bunch of crazy sketches about Bush and FCC regulations.
(Camera cuts to John Roberts)

John Roberts: As your supreme court justice you would think I am a drab, boring, pig of a man. And you�re right... I am but with a whole new twist! I plan to be the first supreme court justice to really get it on! I�m boring I know, and I said I�ll respect the precedents set by other people, but I�m going to have to ditch that whole precedent crap! I�ve got to loosen my tie and pants. I need to get some loose pants! Do you know what it�s like to have the whitest name in America?
(Ultimate American cuts in)

Ultimate American: Nope... that�s me! I�ve got the whitest name in America!
(Cut back to John Roberts)

John Roberts: So I�m going to party it up, oh and I�m gonna let loose. Because judges have to be fair and balanced on both sides. Believe me, I�m gonna tango on the other side. Oh I�ll tango... I�ll take that trip across the tracks. (sleazy party music pots up) Got my 40 ouncer of malt liquor. And I�m outta sight, OW! I put the ow back into supreme cOWerth justice. I�m going to dispense more justice than a Robo-Cop pez dispenser. In fact I wanna get �The Dispenser� sewn on my robe!
(Screen gets fuzzy as all three images start crowding the screen. It turns into a 3 way split screen between John Roberts, E! Channel Anchor and Ultimate American)

Ultimate American: Bottom line...

All three of them: STOP WATCHING SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE! We don�t watch it and look how great upstanding people we are!
(Camera fades to John Goodman in his living room watching this whole thing on his tv)

John Goodman: Aaah! It�s happening again, fate has prevented me from my SNL experience. Why hasn�t SNL called me, it�s been 3 years! I need to find something else to do on my Saturday Nights. I will not end up an SNL fanboy!
(Cut to a closeup of the tv. It�s a black screen with the announcer speaking)

Announcer: And now... it�s the season premiere of Saturday Night Live

John Goodman: Oh god, it�s starting! Screw my plans, I�ve got to watch. (Looks at the camera) I mean... it�s time for another fun filled exciting season of... Live from New York-
(Announcer interrupts John)

Announcer: Attention America, we have breaking news. It seems that SNL will not have their season premiere tonight. In fact the show has been cancelled till further notice. The cause of this cancellation, is unknown, but sources say Lorne Michaels has made some deals with the devil. Not THE DEVIL... but Devil Jenkins. You know, the sausage king from the Midwest Ohio.

John Goodman: NOOO! I�ve had to deal with this with off the wall representation of American society and now there�s no new SNL!
(He throws his shoe at the tv and furiously leaves the room. Camera cuts to a close-up of the announcer)

Announcer: Never fear though, NBC has put together a last minute slacker comedy show. Who is part of the show? We have no idea. But the troupe has stated that every show will have an opening sketch with a phrase yelled at the end to kick off the show. Now the troupe hasn�t decided on a phrase so until then, they will use... �LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT�S SATURDAY NIGHT!�

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Not sure this got sent correctly -- Brian Grigg, 22:18:32 10/03/05 Mon